Nightmares are a living thing

3 days have passed since Wanda has left the compound.

I try my best to act as normal as possible, Natasha being there for me as much as she can. The days are hard but it's nothing compared to the nights. My assassin friend stays in my room when I sleep, occupying the couch. When she hears the screams that are caused by my nightmares, she does her best to wake me. She knows it's dangerous to try to wake someone up who is living a nightmare and has special powers, even without any powers it's still a dangerous task, but she never fails. I really wish that I can say that it helps, but after lying awake for an hour in silence, sleep takes over again and so do the terrors. Natasha has made it her personal task to make sure that I keep eating. I don't join the group for dinner, but when all of them have finished the two of us take over the kitchen. Of course it's Natasha doing the work, I just sit there and put in my mouth what she offers me. She makes small talk to me and I do my best to reply as lively as possible, but she's not blind. I know her eyes are always watching my every movement and register what and more importantly: how I'm doing. Every day we train together, and even I notice that I'm doing more my best than usual. I keep training until I'm close to fainting from exhaustion or I can't get up anymore because my best friend has beat the shit out of me. She doesn't comment on it, she just goes along with it. I spend time practicing the things Wanda was working on before she had to go, but I notice it only makes me miss her even more, so I don't bother doing it anymore. I feel more alone then I ever have, even more then when I was a prisoner at the Hydra facility. It's like she took a part of me with her.

7 days have passed since Wanda has left the compound.

I'm really trying my best to keep as calm as possible but I can feel the fear kicking in. Wanda didn't have any idea about how long she would be gone but for some reason I told myself she wouldn't be gone for more than a week. But 7 days have passed and there was no sign of the Scarlet Witch or the other team members. I try my hardest to keep myself busy, I really don't want to fall back into that dark place I have been in before. I'm dragging Natasha out of the compound, ask her if I can join her on a ride on her motorcycle. The wind is flying around me but while I hoped to get a kick of adrenaline out of it, there is nothing. We go to shops together, I let Nat buy everything she wants for me, but there's just darkness. I can feel myself getting desperate, no matter how hard I try not to. I ask the guys if we can play another drinking game, but after 2 glasses of alcohol I excuse myself and go to my room. Natasha follows me of course, in these 7 days she hasn't left my side for more than half an hour. I sit on my bed and stare outside, looking for the moon. I can't help but wonder whether Wanda is looking at the same moon right now and thinking about me. I don't know where she is, but it's far away. I haven't been capable of feeling her since the moment she left. Sometimes I think that maybe it's the connection I miss more than Wanda herself… but in the end, isn't it part of the same thing? I keep looking outside when I hear Natasha enter the room. She sits down on the sofa and starts reading in her book, and me… I continue staring at nothing.

10 days have passed since Wanda has left the compound.

I don't leave my room anymore. Natasha is still here with me, but while at the beginning I appreciated her company, right now I'm just barely tolerating it. Twice a day she leaves the room to get me some food, but I barely touch it. I don't speak anymore, and since Wanda isn't here to translate my thoughts into words nobody knows what's going on in my head. I know that if I wanted to I could share my thoughts with Natasha, but the truth it quite simple: I don't want to. The longer Wanda is gone, the more I am convinced that she is never coming back. Maybe she's dead, maybe all of them are. Or maybe she finally saw the truth: that I'm not worth all of the trouble she has been going through. Maybe she doesn't want to come back to me and I'm back on my own, the way I have always been. I'm convinced that I did something wrong so I'm sure I deserve Wanda leaving me, after all, who could ever love a monster like me. The only difference there is between night and day is that when I'm awake I'm sitting on my bed and when I'm asleep I am lying in it. The nightmares are getting worse. Natasha still tries to wake me up but she barely manages to, I'm too far gone in them. I notice the redhead getting off the couch and walking towards the door. "I'm going to get us some dinner." She says, but I don't reply. When she leaves the room I concentrate all of my power on the door handle, and make it as hot as fire. I don't want her coming back, I don't want anyone near me anymore. Leave me alone.

13 days have passed since Wanda has left the compound.

Every day Natasha stands at my door and talks to me. She doesn't really try to convince me to let her in, she just sits there and talks about everything and nothing. The only thing she tries to convince me to do is to eat something. I can barely hear it anymore, I blocked her out. The few people with powers strong enough to get close to me left on that Quinjet and nobody has heard anything from them since they left. They don't have any idea about when they will be back, for all they know it can be another month… If they are even coming back. I don't bother getting out of bed, I've closed all the curtains, and I just lie there. There is no difference between night or day anymore, the nightmares are alive. I see Strucker smile at me, I see my parent's dead bodies, I see Gregovich walking towards me. I smell the burned flesh from when they were marking me. (It surprised me when Wanda didn't see it when she was helping me dress all these weeks ago.) I feel the stinging pain of the cold like knifes on my skin. I feel the guys beating me, raping me, over and over again. I don't feel alive anymore, and I just wish I was dead.

17 days have passed since Wanda has left the compound.

I can hear voices. "I tried taking care of her as best as I can Wanda. But she only deteriorated, no matter what I did. She locked me out of her room 7 days ago and there was no way any of us could get in without risking our own lives. Everybody with powers was gone or unreachable. She hasn't eating anything." People are walking in my view. Hydra lab assistances, kids I used to play with when I was young, rapists, Avengers… 2 redheads that I am supposed to know. "It's not your fault Natasha, I know." I can feel something warm pick me up, it feels like I'm flying. I close my eyes. It doesn't matter, it's always dark. "Ya nikogda ne dolzhen byl ostavlyat' tebya. Ya vernulsya, ya zdes'. Ponyal tebya Lidiya. (I never should have left you. I'm back, I'm here. I got you Lidiya.) A familiar scent reaches me but I'm too far gone to register it.