Chapter 5

In a cold night, I rested my head onto the wall. Perhaps the cold wall turn into your warm chest.

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" I like Hyun Ree"

Nonesense?

What blunder I was about to make?

' I like Hyun Ree' just kept repeating in my mind. I didn’t utter it and I thanked God for this later.

What I was thinking about? That he might be jealous?

My mechanism of defence said these words that I refrained in time.

I despised myself just for the idea of using Hyun Ree, but I got a grip.

I stood still a little with silence surrounding me.

My defense mechanism carries out its activities inside me while I'm a silent fool.

He waited for me to answer. He remained silent while I narrated thousands of dialogues inside me. And between curses and desire to confess that what he's said was true; that I'm really in love with him in a way he's never imagined.

" why don’t you talk?"

His strong husky voice snapped me back to reality as I was drifted between words blowing off inside me. I tried to balance and be stable to tell him with a voice I wish he couldn’t hear it shivering. I added to it some intensity and sarcasm.

" Why would I lie to you? Actually, who are you to lie to? I'm not afraid of you, Jeon Soo. Don’t let my good treatment deceive you. I was already with a client and saw your father accidently! As for why I was at this café precisely, you can ask the client."

I said as my voice intensified with each word I utter. I tried to get through my trembling with insist to look into his bright eyes in order to make my words more truthful.

How I made an effort to contemplate his childish eyes that turn into a whip on my heart when his looks intensified.

I'm not embarrased with him, I'm not afraid. I'm… happy.

Yes, I'm happy that we got to talk.

What talk!

How incredibly pathetic I am.

I uttered my words. If it wasn’t for my loud voice, my heart beats would reach him.

I headed outside. I wished he would stop me.

I found his hand holding mine that was on the doorknot.\

My wishes come true these days.

I shivered upon his touch. I'm afraid he might recognize how he affected me like now or when he danced with mw yesterday.

What I fear the most is that his insticts conclude that I fall for him, so he would meet my love with cynicism and enstrangement.

" Wait, my father is still here" I wanted to turn and shout at him that I'll go out and I don’t care.

Am I not affecting him as a woman, even a little?

I look like a solid statue before him that badly?

He got away and sat on his chair to continue his work.

I came here to watch him from afar but fortune served me to make me watch himm closely.

Does anyone notice his details like I do?

When he focuses on something, he turns into a child trying to solve a puzzle. I'm sure he doesn’t know how hw looks like. I wish I could tell him one day.

It's been a while; I'm sure he forgot about me. I didn’t take my eyes off of him for a second.

My heart stopped more than once because of every move he made, beginning with rolling uo his sleeves off his wrists in order for his visible hand veins to appear, his moves while talking to people on the phone and shouting at them angrily, to knitting his brows while reading papers.

My sweet contemplation was interrupted when he said coldly and quietly:" Your eyes took many photos of my face" he raised his eye brows but, unususally, I didn’t take my eyes off his. I wasn’t shy as if seeing him is a drug against his cold words.

I wanted to shout that trying to act cold didn’t suit him. I wondered that I didn’t take my eyes off his. That strong bond in his eyes intrigues me.

You can lie in your words, attitude, your body moves, but eyes are always right.

If you claimed someday that you hate someone or don’t care for him, you can lie easily but your eyes know their way very well. Your eyes follow your heart, not your mind.

Your eyes carry a lot of stares that belong to that person alone.

When your eyes carry flaming sparkle as if you're standing I front of one of the Seven Wonders.

These stares are his own only.

" I have nothing to do and you're busy working. You asked me to stay here!"

" Wait a second to make sure where my father is then you can go. I can't stand you being here any more"

That sentence was more than enough for me to stand uo as if a scorpion stung me. Who am I to sit with him like this? Who am I even to talk to him? I promised myself not to bother him or see him.

This situation between us…

We're completely strangers.

Stranger, you're close to me than myself.

" I'm going now, enough insults" I was about to scream but I tried to control my tone of voice then ran towards the door. But it opened suddenly and his father came in, so we remained looking at each other confusedly.

" Are you leaving that fast? Wait for your husband to finish then go together"

As if all what happened wasn’t enough!

" By the way, there is a family dinner tonight. I hope you won't be late" he said getting on our nerves.

I'm apparently getting ready for a disaster.

Before he talks to me, before my heart bleeds more and decides to stop beating, I decided to go out fast behind his father. I was careful his father wouldn’t see me.

I don’t know what to do.

Why does my betraying heart still want some gentle nice things from him, while he hates me?

I wished, I really did.

However, I don’t know when I will get rid of this desperate hope.

I have no idea what to do or where to go. I felt I want to go somewhere that won't meet me with darkness or rage or people detesting me.

I headed to Hyung Min's company where I found everyone working in full swing tirelessly.

I came through the door, seeing my reflection on its looking glass. I looked like a ghost that just came out of its grave.

I looked at these active atmospheres that were completely opposite to my miserable look, my black circles and my shoulders that were about to touch the ground.

My eyes landed on some trainees and Tae Yang working with them excitedly until she saw me and dismay over my look was clear on her face. She walked towards me in a rapid pace and I was more than willing to fall in her arms.

" Yeon Hee, what's wrong? Come, come with me"

She held me and entered a room with closed door. She left me for minutes so I rested on a couch until I found a glass of juice looming in front of my blurry eyes.

My mind didn’t stop babbling which tired me out even more.

" Drink this"

I heard Tae Yang's voice as if it was coming from afar but I followed her orders in the end.

" Is it because of Jeon Soo that fool? Weren't you with Hyun Ree at work? What happened to you?"

I tried to find my voice to tell her.

" I went to his company" I answered with a disappearing voice.

And soon I heard a volcano with its lava flying above me.

" Damn it, Yeon Hee. What the hell is wrong with you to go to him? Why do you do this to yourself, why? Tell me. He hates you, detests you and you insist not to hurt him! You insist on letting his love grow in your heart day by day. This only brings you fatigue and stress. I'm sure that your blackouts are because of him"

Her yelling increased and my eyes were about to shed tears so hard due to her painful words.

I wished someone would deceive me and tell me he loves me; that there is a little bit hope that we will be together someday.

I'm not that submissive to anyone at all, but I know what happens to me next to him.

I'm turning into someone else, someone I've never wanted to be ever. Desperate and thirsty, and satisfied with the scraps of feelings Hyun Ree gives me unintentionally with little attention that anyone is supposed to have.

I wasn’t like anyone my whole life. I was hungry and thirsty for some of these feelings.

Well, look at those years I remained holhing back my desire but it exploded, so illness came to my heart and body just because I see you around me while I'm trapped trying to reach you.

As if my soul is outside my body wandering around, trying to tell you that it is here. But it is an unseen ghost in the end.

" I love him, Tae Yang. I love him a black love; love I've never imagined to give to someone. Love, if it was mutual, it would have been like myths and stories that we read. You won't understand though you're in love. But you won't understand a thing"

I'm crying. Each time I talk about him with happiness or sadness, I just keep crying.

If something good happened to him and I felt happy for him and celebrated alone, I keep crying because I can't share this joy with him.

When I saw him crying over himself at the beginning of our marriage, while knowing that he was crying and I couldn’t help him, I was crying.

Mentioning him was always associated with crying over himself or mine.

" Yeon, do you think that by torturing yourself he would feel you? He would have done so long time ago. Forget him and get on with your life. You can date and fall in a hppy pink love, not a sick black love."

" If it was easy to choose, I would.. I would.. I wouldn’t take him out of my heart if I had the choice. I don’t regret my love. It's odd that I don’t. if time goes back, I would love him again."

She looked at me, not believing what I've said. I know she was taunting me as she fears for me.

" Go home and rest a little. I'll drop you"

"No, no need"

" How is it unnecessary while you're shaking like that?" she uttered with her angry voice. I told her I'll take a taxi and she should go back to work. So she obeyed my orders.

I reached home and it seemed he hadn't arrived yet. I felt my whole body shivering, I was burning up. My body was all perspired. I entered and found her setting on a couch.

San Hee, the intruder on my life.

I went quickly upstairs but she could feel me. She called me but I didn’t want her to see me like that. I hurried to my room.

I thank my legs for bearing till I reached the room but I'm ungrateful to my head because it didn’t endure and caused me to fall on the ground as usual.

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I'm sleeping.

There's a move around me.

" Wake up, Yeon Hee. Yeon Hee, wake up!"

" Hyun Ree?" my mind wonders.

"Jeon Soo?"

He was a man, but who??

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