Chapter 82

This is Harry guys

Everyone thinks I'm a wizard, so let's test it!

Today, I'm gonna tell ten facts about you-

1. You're reading this right now.

2. You're realising that is a stupid fact.

4. You didn't notice I skipped three.

5. You're checking now.

6. You're smiling.

7. You are still reading this even though it's stupid.

9. This time you realized I skipped eight.

10. You're feeling smart.

11. You didn't realize that it was only supposed to be ten facts about yourself.

So you see guys, I ain't no wizard. Yeah, I do some magic here and there sometimes to make things go my way.

Just kidding.

You know what I'm thinking- According to all that I witness nowadays, I think that humans are evolving.

Maybe in the near future, humans won't look anything like they do now.

Maybe they get bigger lips or smaller butts. Or their d**ks grow so large that they'd kind of get- A third leg between their legs WHICH IS EXTREMELY GROSS!

HEY, WHO EVEN WROTE THIS SCRIPT!?

I did.

Who are you?

I'm Pedi Cock, I'm 90 years old. My son died due to final stage of armpit Herpes-

Okay, so even old men like you are dirty minded these days? What the f**k have you written in here?!!

I don't have a dirty mind.

Then what is this?

Un...Your d*ck?

LOOK AT THE PAPER, NOT SOMETHING WHAT'S BENEATH IT! MAN! YOU REALLY ARE DIRTY MINDED!

I'm not dirty minded, I just have a sexy imagination *Cough* *Cough*

W- WHAT happened?

You are such a hot young man. I can't breathe, I'm asthmatic just by looking at you-

THEN DIE! WHAT ARE YOU, A PEDO?!!!

No, Pedi- That's my name.

SOMEONE TAKE HIM OUT!!!!

Take me on?

NO, TAKE YOU OUT!!!! OUT!!!

Take out what? My cu-

SOMEONE THROW HIM OUT OF HERE!! PICK HIM UP!!!

Lick me up?

I SAID PICK!! PICK!!! ARE YOU F*CKING DEAF?!

Currently, I'm f*cking you and you seem to hear well enough.

F*CK YOU, OLD GEEZER!!!

You will f*ck? Wait...let me nosebleed in a corner first.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH OKAY!!

Yeah yeah, we'll f*ck enough. Lie down here-

SOMEBODY EITHER THROW ME OUT OR THROW HIM OUT!!!! READERS ARE GIVING RED FLAGS!!! HOW DID HE EVEN GET INSIDE THE STORY?

AIW mysteries *Angelic music in BG*

*Staff members pick him up and throw him out of the story*

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

*Sigh*

Ahem! Soooooo~ Where were we?

Yeah! Maybe in the near future, humans won't look anything like they do now.

Maybe they have a cylindrical body like a snake or maybe even worse. Women may lose their breasts!

That would be the end of HUMANITY!!!!

Not meant to be a pervert but this is a serious issue.

Back to topic- Maybe we grow facial hair, or maybe we lose the hair on our head.

Or maybe, all those people may gather and vote for a motherf*cker to become their president and f*ck up the entire f*cking system and the country!

...Wait- I think this has happened already.…

.........

Anyways guys, this is Harry again, for all those who have forgotten who the heck is even narrating all this. And today, I'll be narrating to you the most beautiful moment of my life.

How, I, Harry Louverne, fu*ked up REAL BAD and I still don't look a day older.

The secret to this guys- Is the Super Youth Lala death token cream- Pichiu~

Just kidding guys.

So let's get back to the story-

"PRE- PRESIDENT!" The president's PA said as a (potential) terrorist pointed a gun towards the president.

"Reece Franklin, now you are dead!" He said.

"HEY! WAIT!" Brandon shouted.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU IDIOT??!!! HE HAS A FRIGGIN GUN IN HIS HAND!!!

"Aye~ Who are you?" The (potential) terrorist said. He had a Spanish accent.

"I'm just a handsome passerby and as a good samaritan, I just wanted to let you know that...." Brandon said.

"That?" I said.

"That?!" The (potential) terrorist said.

"That?" The president and his P.A said.

"...That you zipper is down dude. Pull it up, your size ain't that great to show off." Brandon said as he pointed at his zipper.

YOU TALK AS IF YOU HAVE AN ANACONDA IN THERE!

"OH! Thanks buddy." The (potential) terrorist said as he looked at his zipper.

"WHY WERE YOU EVEN LOOKING THERE, YOU PERVERT?!" I shouted.

"I don't know. Man instincts maybe. And it was bothering me for quite a while now."

"Aye~ Who are you?" The (potential) terrorist said to ME. ME- Who probably looked like the most NORMAL person out there.

"Hm...Me?" I said with a smile, trying my best to look cool, "I'm his girlfriend."

"WHAT?" Brandon said with a disgusted look.

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! IT'S NOT AS IF I'M ENJOYING THIS EITHER! AND F**KING I'LL BREAK YOU FACE IF YOU SAY SOMETHING UNNECESSARY!!

The president looked at me and I looked at him.

Meanwhile, the (potential) terrorist looked at Brandon and said "And who is she?"

....

Listen dude, are you a ********?! SERIOUSLY MAN, IF HE IS MY BOYFRIEND, THEN WHAT WILL I BE TO HIM, HIS SISTER?! F**KING PIECE OF ******

"Her name is...Un…Harria!" Brandon said.

"SERIOUSLY?! YOU COULD'VE NAMED ME ARIA, BRITNEY, EMMA, LUCIA, CASSIE BUT THAT'S ALL YOU COULD THINK OF?!!" I shouted.

"Hey...Are you both really dating?" The (potential) terrorist said.

The president was still looking at me.

I looked at him and said to Brandon "O- Of course, honey. I love you with all my butt!"

"Butt?" Brandon said.

"I would say heart but my butt is bigger, ha ha ha ha." I giggled.

That, people, was the ugliest giggle of human history.

"Aww...You really care so much for me!" Brandon said.

"Of course. Did you pee 8 times a day? Did you chew your food properly?" I said, taking advantage of the situation to mock him.

"Yeah, and did you poop? How much did you poop? Give me the exact weight in decimals." Brandon said.

"WHAT- YOU BAST- BEAUTY" I said, checking on my swears.

"Aye~ What the f**k did you just call him?" The (potential) terrorist said.

"I meant- B- Bust, Bust beauty!" I said.

"Oh...Hold on, he's a guy" The (potential) terrorist said.

"Yeah so, can't he have boobs?" I said "Even I have a d**k"

"...What?" The (potential) terrorist said.

I felt bad for that guy. He looked so confused. But more than that, nobody gave a damn about him.

People were just walking by, unaffected by the fact that this guy has a f**king gun in his hand!

Californians....I- I don't know what to say anymore...we are literally brave hearts.

We are so brave that even tigers have been extinct here, scared by our bravery.

You see, over here, nobody gives a f**k even if you die, or if you are shot or are hit by a terrorist attack.

People here are bothered only for major issues like...

'WHY HAVE YOU NOT DONE YOUR HOMEWORK?!'

EVEN IF THE WORLD IS ENDING, EVEN IF THE TEACHER OR YOUR MOM IS ON HER DEATHBED, HER FINAL LETTER TO YOU WILL BE…

"I loved you, son. Btw, how much did you score in your MATH exam ?"

SERIOUSLY?!!!

SERIOUSLY?!!

Sorry, I got overwhelmed with emotions.

Huh! Let's continue...

"Aye~ Wait- What? I can't get it. You have a d**k and he has boobs? And you both like each other, right?" The (potential) terrorist said.

"Then kiss!" MJ said as he jumped down from the glass window.

HEY!

IT'S THIRD FLOOR, ALRIGHT! REWIND THIS AND LET ME SEE HOW THE HELL YOU GOT HERE!!

Tsk! *Rewinding*...

I was sitting inside my bathroom this morning and praying to grow-

HEY DON'T REWIND THIS SO MUCH!!! FAST FORWARD IT!!!

Ffddhjhefasjnikklpodsdafgghjjjk

WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH THIS BOOK?!!

THE FOURTH WALL IS BROKEN, JOHNNY TEDSON'S D**K IS BROKEN, MRS. FIG'S MARRIAGE IS BROKEN, BRANDON'S HEAD IS BROKEN, I'M BROKEN, BUT MJ IS NOT BREAKING EVEN AFTER JUMPING FROM THE THIRD FLOOR! I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU WANT AUTHOR, WHAT?!!

...You know what, let it be....

As MJ approached us, the (potential) terrorist turned his gun towards him and said "Don't move! I'll shoot"

MJ just took out a rifle and shot him in his head.

*BANG*

He fell down on the floor.

"Real men don't talk, they shoot." MJ said.

"GAH! !! YOU KILLED HIM!!!" The president's P.A. shouted.

*BANG*

MJ shot him next.

"Sir, the drink you ordered." A waiter said as he moved towards MJ with a glass of juice.

*BANG*

"Oh! Sh*t! I killed him in flow. Ha ha ha, well, better be careful next time." MJ said.

"YOU KILLED THREE PEOPLE WITHIN ONE MINUTE!! WHICH KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?!!" I shouted.

"A really hot and sexy monster." MJ said as he fired a gunshot on the chandelier hanging just above us "Congratulations, you've found the money, give me the other bag for my collection."

...I think…I'm done with these people.

MJ walked towards us, but suddenly the huge glass wall beside broke and Ralf jumped out of the glass wall, landing on MJ.

"WHAT THE- RALF!!!!!!" MJ shouted.

"Sorry, brother!" Ralf said as he got up.

"Ugh! My back!" MJ said as got up.

"FORGET YOUR BACK! WE HAVE BIGGER ISSUES HERE!!" I shouted.

"Yeah, I should check my d**k. What if it's broken?"

"THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE!!" I shouted at that human excuse of a GOOF!

"Oh really? Then should I break yours?" MJ said.

We heard the police buzzer and looked down. Two policemen- on bike- came towards us while we were still INSIDE THE MALL AND THREE DEAD BODIES WERE LYING BESIDE US!

"THINK OF SOMETHING!!" I said to MJ.

"I'm thinking about how police on bikes arrest people. "ALRIGHT, GET IN THE BASKET" MJ said.

"NOT THIS, YOU IDIOT!!" I shouted.

"Alright gentlemen," The police officer said.

OH GOD!! HERE IT COMES!! YOU ARE DONE FOR, MJ!!!

"Tell me, who the hell broke the glass of the mall."

...Seriously?

SERIOUSLY?!

THREE PEOPLE DIED HERE! D-I-E-D!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!

THERE'S A LIMIT TO WHICH YOU CAN IGNORE!! AT LEAST NOTICE NOW!!!!

MJ talked to them and paid for the expenses but THEY WERE MISSING THE MAIN CRIME HERE!!!

"Hmm...Why are these people sleeping here?" The police officer said.

FINALLY!!!

"Drug addicts, maybe..." MJ said.

AS IF THEY'D BELIEVE IT!!

"Oh God. Youngsters nowadays." The police officer said and left the scene.

.....

BRAIN- EXPLODED

CALM- LOST

ETERNAL SLEEP- GAINED

THINGS WASTED- A SUNDAY, MY BRAIN, MY FREE TIME, MY PATIENCE, ME!!

"WHAT WAS THAT?! YOU KILLED THEM AND THE POLICE OFFICERS DIDN'T EVEN CARE!!!" I said.

"I didn't kill them. This is just a sting gun. They'll sleep till tomorrow morning." MJ said with a smile.

"Oh thank God." I said with relief.

"AWESOME! Hey, let's kill more people!!" Brandon said.

".…MJ, give me that sting gun once." I said.

*BANG*

SIGH!

What a day!!

I went home, changed, took a bath and finally paid my hard earned money to that aunty. Now, we are done! I can go back to my peaceful life.

I sat on a bench in the park, spread my legs and left my body loose to relax to my fullest. I was relaxing myself under the sunlight when suddenly a shadow covered my body.

I opened my eyes and saw Jaden.

"Hi…Jaden, what are you doing here?" I said, lazily.

"Harry, I want to talk to you about something." Jaden said as he stood between my legs.

OH SH*T....

I CAN'T EVEN RELAX ANYMORE...

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS LACK OF PEACE IN MY LIFE?!!

I'M JUST A LITTLE MAGICAL!

JUST A LITTLE!

Just kidding guys :-)

-To be continued