Memory 6 | Heaven And Hell

RAVI'S POV :

Flashback ~

Gangwon Province, 2007.

I could barely feel my own skin as I kept pulling the hem of the sweater to cover my exposed fingers. The winter wind of that vast mountain was way too crueller than I had expected and I was freezing out in the cold all by myself. Gradually, I even began to resent myself for taking off on my own in a fit of blind rage. I should have grabbed a thicker winter coat at least.

"Gwenchana... Kim Wonshik. Your anger is justifiable. I mean, who on earth would visit mountains in this freezing winter? Appa's sense of vacation is seriously awful... When I become famous and start making money, I should send him on a proper vacation... Ah! Cold! Cold!"

I kept walking ahead without a proper sense of direction in that freezing winter. That was when I heard the frosty wind carry her faint voice from afar. Recognizing the song immediately, I rushed to the source of it and soon, I found myself stopping at the foot of that giant mountain range. In front of the hollow road which I believed might lead to the mountain top, there was a girl.

She was dressed up in all white except for her black boots as she sat on that snow-covered bench unaffected by the frost with her legs dangling happily. She continued singing without even noticing my presence and she definitely wasn't bothered by the cold either. And the serenity of her voice was too dreamy and delicate, as it felt completely otherworldly.

♫ "Take all, even the good memories

Because without you, it'll only be a burden for me

It'll only increase my yearning if I keep opening them

It stops my footsteps on the road back

Memory resembles love and I'll keep looking back

Because you're still there and that's why it must hurt

At least once, maybe at least once, in case you will look at me

I wait again today..." ♫

"You've got a seriously serene voice there."

I finally spoke through my shivering lips as the girl instantly stopped singing and whipped in my direction. Her already big eyes, widened more in shock as a slight shade of red highlighted her pale skin beautifully.

Frankly speaking, I am the type of person who does not believe in superstitious things that I can't rationalize, such as the afterlife or even the mere existence of heaven and hell. However, the divine beauty and heavenly voice of the girl standing before me proved all my heathen theories wrong and for the first time, I felt happy about it.

If heaven did really exist, then she was definitely an angel.

"Sorry to interrupt but who are you waiting for on a cold day like this, anyway?" I strolled towards her as she simply stood there staring at my face while I waited for her to speak or at least sing something again. After a long pause, she finally spoke.

"It wasn't meant for anyone actually. I was simply singing the lines that popped in my head." She began to grab her things as she answered, preparing to leave already. A sudden urge to make her stay for a while or longer surfaced in my heart as I rushed after her like a lost puppy.

"You're leaving already? Let me come with you. It's not safe for a girl to wander in these winter woods alone." I offered in the most casual manner but she saw the motive right through me as she smiled a little.

"That's very nice of you but I'm too used to these winter woods because I live up in the mountain's temple and I'm not afraid of going alone either." She folded her fingers one by one as she stopped to think before finally realizing. "But then... I've never seen you around before. Who... are you?" She asked in the most calming tone ever as I politely greeted her like I was taught, at an instant.

"Annyeong haseyo. I'm Kim Wonshik-imnida and I'm very happy to meet you." She began to laugh at my sudden politeness as I felt my heartbeat race wildly at the addictive sound of it.

"Are you sure that you are really happy? Even in this numbing cold?" She giggled once again before bowing back politely.

"Anyways, my name is Choi Mira and I believe you have lost your way in the woods. If you tell me where you were staying, I can bring you there myself. Now, hurry up before you get frostbites, Kim Wonshik-shi."

★★★

I wiped away the never-ending stream of teardrops with the back of my hand for who knows how many times now. I slowly lost count of it as my heart kept weeping out all the bottled memories from five long years at once.

On the night of that tragedy, I remember making a wish under the bloodshot stormy sky, to see her one more time. Since then, that has been my only prayer and having her stand before my eyes like that again, shattered all my beliefs in a blink. If she had really descended from heaven to grant my only wish, then I felt rather content to throw myself in the fiery flames of hell as the price for it.

But... What if it isn't her at all?

What if Kang Gia wasn't my Mira?

What if this was all just another nightmare?

What if I'm stuck in my own fantasy of wanting her back?

Overwhelming despair choked my soul as I felt helpless once again. Recomposing my scattered senses, I slowly rose to my feet. It felt as though my burnt and black heaven has now seen a spark of light. My love that grew from the sadness of Mira's loss felt stronger in Gia's presence. If I wanted answers for my questions, then I'll have to be brave enough to withstand the fatal pain of whatever fate that's awaiting me. With that optimism, I headed back to where I initially ran from.

As soon as I stepped closer to the waiting lounge, the sound of her sweet voice struck me right away. Although it shook all the strength that was left in me, I still braced myself to enter that room. At once, every single head in the room spun in my direction as an awkward silence settled in the atmosphere. Ignoring all the turbulence and terror that was throbbing in me, I walked towards where she was seated with the rest of my members.

"Yah! Kim Wonshik! Where the hell did you go?" Hongbin instantly reached for me in concern.

"Oh... I just stepped out a little to get some air... Sorry, if I worried all of you. Hyung-", all three of them turned in unison upon my call, and I smiled unknowingly before apologizing, "-Mian-haeyo!"

"Mian? MIAN? Did you really think saying sorry will suffice?" Our ever so cute Jyani hyung stood up as he raised his voice in annoyance at me, causing the room to fall into a tensed silence again. Looking at how I'd angered even the loveliest one in the group, made me feel really guilty and that's when I began regretting it. I opened my mouth to apologize one more time, but his anger overtook me again.

"Yah! Answer me! If saying sorry would suffice... Then, why do we have law and police?" He quoted his favourite line from the Musical 'Boys Over Flowers' in his cutest accent while laughing adorably like he always did and hugged me immediately. The awkward silence was broken and everyone began laughing at his addictive adorableness.

"Ah! Jyani hyung... I thought you were really mad at me!" I whined, trying to break out of his embrace but he held me tighter and giggled. Among all the laughs that filled the room at that moment, my heart heard hers the loudest. I held onto Jyani hyung in an attempt of covering my lack of confidence as I finally went to stand before her.

"I'm sorry about just now, Kang Gia-shi. Let me introduce myself properly. Annyeong haseyo, I'm VIXX's rapper Ravi-imnida and I'm glad to meet you."

I spoke, half worried about giving away the shakiness in my voice but lucky me. Hyuk and Jyani hyung decided to rescue me without even realizing it. They began imitating my voice as usual, and for the first time since our debut, I felt grateful for it. She smiled nervously as I found myself trying harder to stay unswayed by the beauty of it.

"It's okay, Ravi-shi. I hope we could get along well." Her captivating gaze pierced straight into my eyes as she spoke and I couldn't help but wonder her reason behind doing so.

"That's quite hard actually, noona. You see, Ravi hyung is the next hardest member to get through after Leo hyung. Our LR unit is rather boring than the rest of us, to be honest." Hyuk stated casually while Taekwoon hyung shot him a death glare to which our maknae simply smirked like the satan he was.

"Well... I think I've already gotten through Taekwoon oppa though. Have I not, oppa?" Hearing her address him oppa shocked me a little, but my smart brain swiftly recalled Hyuk calling her noona and Hongbin's informality with her, and that eased my tension a little. Taekwoon hyung nodded at her smilingly while she turned towards me with a proud grin.

"Since I've already gotten through the hardest one, second hardest shouldn't be a problem. Don't you think so too, Ravi-shi?"

She was staring at me expectantly while I felt dumbstruck by her boldness. It reminded me of the courage I saw in the dreamy eyes of that daring girl in the northeast mountain ten years ago. As though reading my wavering thoughts, N hyung stepped in to help hopeless communication skills.

"Well... I think you don't have much of a choice, Gia-yah. Our Wonshikie is the best composer and producer you can ever find, and he'll be the one you'll need to work mostly with for your thesis. So, Wonshik-ah... make sure to guide Gia properly. She must get a full score for her thesis. Algesseo?" He touched my shoulder slightly, as I nodded at him in response.

"Joh-a, geuleom! What about you two have a little start while we're still free because it will be crazily hectic once the concerts begin?" He suggested out of the blue, causing the rest of them to groan at our leader hyung's weird timing.

"Ah, this weird hyung! There is still time for her to start... Why must you- Ouch!" N hyung began neck slicing Hongbin repeatedly when he began to complain out of habit and that made her laugh again.

"Gwenchana-yo! Hakyeon oppa is right. It's good to stay focused on my purpose here anyway."

She threw a rather quick glance at me from the corner of her eyes but I noticed it clearly enough. Right away, N hyung began dragging the rest of them to the other side of the room, leaving me alone with her. Although I wanted to run screaming after them and hide behind Hyuk, I held the urge back and presented her with my most professional face. However, she fixed her unnerving gaze right on my face as I sat there with my heart in my hands. She didn't say a word, she didn't even move, whereas I kept shifting in my seat due to the intensity of her gaze.

Sharing space with a girl who resembled my lost love to an unbelievable extend and being unable to embrace her till the yearning evaporates was already torture for me. And having her sit right next to me but still not utter a single word was even more tormenting than that. It felt as though all heaven and hell were determined on punishing me for making such a dreadful wish.

"I think you should ask what you want to know first, in order for me to help you with anything at all, Mi-", I cleared my throat right away, before faintly covering the close slip, "-Miss Gia." I mentally sighed in relief when she finally smiled.

"Okay... My housemates have already given me seriously long lectures about the basic things, like the positions in the group and how comebacks and music shows work. Since they are both die-hard Starlights, they have narrated everything about VIXX from your survival show till the latest comeback. Also, I've already talked to the others about your positions in the group, so I think we can skip those basics as well. Now, what did I wanted to ask the legendary rapper of VIXX?"

She kept turning the pages of her notepad while she bit her lips nervously. Even in that nerve-wracking moment, I didn't miss to notice how she folded her fingers one by one as she listed down the details and I couldn't help but gape in shock at her involuntary habit. However, I shook it off right away because almost half of the human population fold their fingers while counting so it can't be considered a common trait.

"Found it! Okay... Seeing that you're both the main rapper and lead dancer, I was wondering which one you liked more? Rapping or dancing, Ravi-shi?" I smiled a little at that familiar question, and so I decided to give her a similar answer, hoping it would ring a bell.

"Both. I like doing both. Rapping and dancing are habitual to me. I automatically dance when I rap, and rap when I dance. So, I can never really pick one." However, I realized it didn't ring any bell because she moved on to her next question without any comments.

"Alright then. Hyuk said that you can also sing well. Is that true? Can you sing too?" There was a slight hint of excitement in her tone as a teasing grin graced her face. She clicked her pen, getting ready to jot down my response but I simply shook my head, smiling a little.

"Well, I can't actually hit high notes like our main vocal line but I can sing the guides for the songs I composed pretty decently. So, yeah..." She nodded, pursing her lips together as she scribbled on her notepad. Since we were already at it, I decided to make use of the moment to throw my baits as randomly as possible.

"What about you? Can you sing?" I tried fishing for clues as she laughed a little, catching my breath even through that effortless action.

"I don't know. I've never really tried singing either." She stated with uncertainty.

"Why not? You've got a seriously serene voice there." I shocked myself when a wave of deja vu hit me as soon as I said those words. And more surprisingly she seemed a little taken aback by my comment too. She whipped in my direction with eyes wide open.

"Ravi-shi... Hogshi, have we ever..." She stopped in the middle of her own sentence, as her gaze got locked with mine again and I found myself unable to break that moment. Gazing into her ethereal eyes used to be my favourite thing to do, and I could feel that old addiction fill me again as it pierced my heart painfully. Without another word, I waited for her to continue.

I waited for her to say what I wanted to hear.

I waited for her to admit that she was my Mira.

And I waited, with all my broken heart and crooked fate in line, for her to remember me.

"Have we ever... What, Gia-shi?" Though it pained me to call her by that unfamiliar name, I knew I still had to. After a brief moment of searching my face in silence, she flashed her heavenly smile again, only to wreck me with a reply that burned like hell.

"Anieyo... I meant... Have you guys ever been to New York before?" This time her gaze remained glued to the notepad while my instincts began to debate over my blind assumptions about this unrealistic situation.

"Aniyo... We haven't actually had the chance yet, Gia-shi." I said her name through a forced smile as she wrote it down like it was nothing. In cue, our manager hyung decided to save me from the pain of that twisted reality as we were told it was finally time to board the flight to Tokyo.

My thoughts began to wander as I sat in the plane, reminiscing the earlier incident in detail. Happening to meet a girl who looked exactly like my Mira felt too good to be true. At the same time, having to accept the fact that she was not actually my Mira, choked me to death. And because of that very reason, Gia's existence was both heaven and hell, and I didn't know whether to feel blessed or cursed in this fateful fantasy of mine that just came true.

★

GIA'S POV :

In just one single moment, I felt the reality spread throughout my system like silent smoke. I couldn't differentiate between fact and fantasy as the pain began rising from every part of me. If what I just heard was real, then whom I just met was indeed the answer to all of my questions. While I was busily debating with my own self, the room suddenly fell into pin-drop silence. I found my senses heighten unusually when the sound of those oddly familiar footsteps became audible.

"Yah! Kim Wonshik! Where the hell did you go?" Hongbin exclaimed in worry and my eyes fell onto the person in question as he entered the room in utter silence.

Kim Wonshik... For no relevant reason, that name sounds so heartfelt.

He began apologizing to his members for taking off rudely earlier, while the supposedly cute main vocal Jaehwan oppa started scolding him. His beautiful eyes brimmed with sadness while he remained quiet at the outburst of his elder member and I felt my heart slowly breaking at the sight of it. However, the atmosphere switched from fatal to fun in a blink, when we realized that Jaehwan oppa was actually joking. I couldn't help but notice how much he cared about his older member's feelings when a sincere smile of adoration appeared on his face when Jaehwan oppa began laughing childishly.

As I was lost admiring his lovely smile while he clung onto his cute hyung like a puppy, he suddenly turned in my direction and began walking towards me. I felt my heartbeat increase a thousand times faster, as his eyes remained locked with mine all the way.

"I'm sorry about just now, Kang Gia-shi. Let me introduce myself properly. Annyeong haseyo, I'm VIXX's rapper Ravi-imnida and I'm glad to meet you."

I literally felt my deepest emotions shuddering at the sound of his hollow voice. I couldn't believe my own ears when his deep voice that I've only heard in my dreams, reverberated louder before my face. While I was fearing if he'd noticed my shivering hands, Jaehwan oppa and Hyuk began to mock his peculiar voice, saving me unknowingly.

"It's okay, Ravi-shi. I hope we could get along well." I smiled in an attempt of hiding the nervousness as my eyes found his like habit. I felt a deep yearning of wanting to keep looking into them as much as I could. And I did without hesitation, surprising my own self along the process.

"That's quite hard actually, noona. You see, Ravi hyung is the next hardest member to get through after Leo hyung. Our LR unit is rather boring than the rest of us, to be honest." The maknae began making fun of his hyungs again and I suddenly felt this impulse to defend him.

"Well... I think I've already gotten through Taekwoon oppa though. Have I not, oppa?" I asked as casually as possible for which the rather quiet man nodded with an approving smile.

"Since I've already gotten through the hardest one, second hardest shouldn't be a problem. Don't you think so too, Ravi-shi?" I had no idea of where I got that sudden courage from, but I knew it was necessary for me to be brave there as I glanced at him expectantly.

He nodded with a surprised reaction as Hakyeon oppa explained how I'll need to work mostly with their talented rapper for my thesis. Although I was thrilled to know that I'll be spending private time with him, it also terrified me at the same time. Out of the blue, the leader threw a sudden suggestion for us to start working right away, considering the concerts and all, and the others began opposing. However, I was more than happy to do it. So, I voiced out without another thought.

"Gwenchana-yo! Hakyeon oppa is right. It's good to stay focused on my purpose here anyway."

I stole a brief glance at the beautiful stranger beside me when the leader led everyone else to another place, giving us privacy. Once again, like a habit I caught myself admiring his unmissable features one by one. I didn't realize how long I was lost gazing at him until his husky voice interrupted uneasily.

"I think you should ask what you want to know first, in order for me to help you with anything at all, Mi-", my heart stopped beating for a brief moment as he cleared his throat right away, "-Miss Gia."

I wasn't sure if I heard him right or not but it was already affecting me. In anxiousness, I began ranting about everything that came to my mind. From Sorim and Jiwon till my most recent topic with Hyuk while he watched my every single gesture silently. I turned to a random page in my notepad and pretended to have questions prepared for him beforehand and luckily, the man didn't notice it.

"Found it! Okay... Seeing that you're both the main rapper and lead dancer, I was wondering which one you liked more? Rapping or dancing, Ravi-shi?" I blurted out another random thought that appeared in my anxious brain from nowhere. However, I only ended up surprising myself when the familiarity of my own question raised my attention. He smiled faintly before giving an answer which only made me feel even worse.

"Both. I like doing both. Rapping and dancing are habitual to me. I automatically dance when I rap, and rap when I dance. So, I can never really pick one." I tried exhaling the anxiety away while I scribbled blindly, as my mind suddenly recalled the details Hyuk said about the hyung he admired the most.

"Alright then. Hyuk said that you can also sing well. Is that true? Can you sing too?" I was a little intrigued by that fact, to be honest. I somehow felt that his hollow voice would definitely come out husky if he ever sings. Like raw, uncontaminated honey.

"Well, I can't actually hit high notes like our main vocal line but I can sing the guides for the songs I composed pretty decently. So, yeah..." I was considering whether to make him sing a few lines or not, but my anxiety screamed otherwise. Hearing his unreal voice was already killing me, and I would probably get a heart attack if he sings because just the thought of it made me anxious enough.

"What about you? Can you sing?" I was taken aback by his unexpected question as I laughed a little.

"I don't know. I've never really tried singing either."

"Why not? You've got a seriously serene voice there."

That's it. That was all I needed to break into cold sweats of panic. His way too familiar comment summoned a seriously huge train of deja vu, while my hiked-up anxiety hit the climax. And he too seemed affected by it the same way, as he instantly went quiet.

"Ravi-shi... Hogshi, have we ever..." I searched his eyes unknowingly when my mind travelled back to my regular dream. His devastated cry echoed in my ears, worsening my already soaring agitation. I was seeing the grief that I've only heard in that voice from my dream, in his eyes right now. He was hurting and so was I.

"Have we ever... What, Gia-shi?" Even though his unreal voice felt heavenly in real, hearing him call me by a different name than usual ached like hell. Strangely, my own name felt so wrong to be heard through his hollow voice. It sounded miserable and out of place. I sighed in defeat as my eyes whelmed with tears.

"Anieyo... I meant... Have you guys ever been to New York before?" I set my eyes on the scribbled page that resembled my troubled mind while he answered lifelessly. Somewhere during that awkward silence, their manager informed me about the departure and the first attempt at recovering my past ended there pathetically.

I was left with a feeling as hollow as his voice while I yearned for a sign. A sign to at least ensure me that Ravi or Kim Wonshik was the one I needed to have. I realized no matter how much I tried to escape from this, I can't even go a few feet away. I've lived each day with the same situation. With the same burden.

My subconscious was sprinting across my brain with a large luminescent signboard that read my emotions precisely.

SOMEONE HELP!

I know it has been five long years. Even if it's late now, I wanted the fantasy in my embrace to stop everything in the present and I wanted to live again in that place where my dreams resided. The only way for any of that to happen will be from getting to know this beautiful stranger before me.

But how do I do that without letting my own self get in the way...

I closed my eyes and prayed harder. At that moment, all I needed desperately was a sign of enlightenment and I didn't mind if it's from heaven or hell.

★★★★★★

| Title's Song ~ Fantasy (VIXX - HADES) |