Memory 7 | A Brush Called Memories

RAVI'S POV:

After turning the VLive off, I laid there staring at the hotel ceiling in utter silence. A while ago, I wasn't even aware of 40 minutes flying by when I was doing the live stream with our fans. However, the very moment I was left all by myself, it began to feel as though the world had stopped spinning and the time was frozen still.

They said that our minds have the tendency to forget those who have left our sides as time passes by. We tend to forget their voice, their face and eventually their existence as well. Although deep down in my broken heart, I felt strongly enough that I would never be able to forget even her briefest glances, I was still frightened by the oddest possibility of it. With years moving by and the hectic workload in my head, I was afraid I might run out of her sacred essence that was left within my scarred soul.

Hence, I began spending a solid amount of time in solitude, only to think of her. During those times, I would desperately reminisce every single moment I spent with her, from the happiest to the saddest ones. Though I'm not a painter, I'd still hold onto a brush called my memories and draw out her face in my heart over and over again. That's why, on days like this, sometimes I would cry and sometimes I would also feel good. And through those yearning efforts of wanting to carry her presence in my own, I usually would end up composing serenades with sorrowful lyrics.

However, with Gia around, every usual habit seemed awfully haywire.

She has been haunting me since day one and because of her, I kept losing my rationale. Her walk, her talk, and everything from her face to her voice was nothing but a painful reminder of my past and it burned too badly to admit that I don't have those in my future anymore. And even if I try to snap out of that despair, in the end, I still break down in front of her. After a couple of days of successfully avoiding any sort of encounter with Kang Gia since Incheon, here I was, still thinking of her. I sighed at the failure of my pathetic attempt when my phone rang and Taekwoon hyung's name popped up.

"Hyung, what are you doing still awake?" I glanced at the digital clock on my nightstand and it indeed was later than his usual bedtime.

"Wonshik-ah, how are you feeling now?" Overwhelming concern was obvious in his soft voice.

Due to the sudden change in my behaviour since arrival, the hyungs began worrying about my well-being. They assumed I was pressured with the current Daydream concerts and LR comeback in line, and I didn't correct them either. In the attempt of improving my mood, it was Taekwoon hyung who suggested having a little chat with our Starlights. Hoping it would make me feel better and it really did. I talked about all sorts of random things for 40 whole minutes and I was genuinely happy throughout the entire live session. However, I couldn't stop my stranded thoughts from straying back to the initial point when it was over though.

Clearing my throat a little, I tried replying in a brighter tone, "I'm good, hyung and I didn't breathe a word about our LR comeback. So, don't worry about it and go to sleep, okay?" I heard him laugh on the other hand as he began with his usual brotherly nagging.

"Yah, Kim Wonshik! I didn't tell you to go on VLive for that! You didn't even get down from the stage yesterday and you seemed disturbed during the entire High Touch event today too. Fans are worried, Wonshik-ah. We are worried too and here you are... making fun of that concern. Do you want me to come over to your room right now?"

He pretended to be angry while I laughed a little relaxed by the appearance of his original silly self.

"Wonshik-ah..." He called softly again.

"Ne, hyung?" I answered with the same amount of affection as he sighed before speaking.

"If you're bothered by anything, you have to let us know. Algesseo? Don't suffer on your own... again."

He sounded too cautious of his own words and I knew the reason very well. As both my brothers and another family, VIXX members knew me too well and because of that very reason, I could never hide anything from them. Especially not from the hyungs who always seemed to possess the power of looking right through my walls and somehow that made me feel secured and seriously grateful.

"Ne... Algessumnida, hyung-nim!" I answered in my most polite tone as he laughed in relief before finally hanging up. Placing the device back on the nightstand, I dragged myself to the balcony as I watched the busy city of Tokyo dwell actively even at that late hour.

"Ah... I miss Eundongie..."

I attempted to avert my thoughts from the one thing that was bothering me. It has been two days since we arrived in Tokyo, and I was supposed to be guiding Gia with her research paper. However, neither of us took any initiative into that as I was busy avoiding her at all cost and she,... she did nothing either. Even when the other members brought up her name during conversations, I always ended up running away. The only time I actually heard of her in two days was when our stylist noona told N hyung about Gia's constant nightmares and how she hasn't been able to sleep.

"What might be haunting her?" I wondered.

A faint image of her restless face crossed my mind, and I found myself longing to caress her tight until she could finally sleep in peace. However, I knew that I can't simply go and caress a girl whom I haven't seen in two days after the first awkward meeting although I was dying to do so. So, I just stood there, with both my sense and sanity on loose as they crawled back to the thoughts about her like a habit.

★

GIA'S POV:

"Aniya, Jiwon-ah... It's not what you think it is. Ravi-shi is only going to guide me with my research paper and it is SO NOT considered a date. OKAY?" The girl giggled more as I heard loud oohs and aahs from the other hand.

"Let me think, you are going to be spending time ALONE with Kim Ravi and it is still not considered a date... TOTALLY GET IT, GIA!" Sorim chuckled for the hundredth time while I facepalmed myself here. I sincerely regretted telling them anything at all.

As die-hard Starlights, both Sorim and Jiwon literally did die when I told them, how I happened to work with the great VIXX themselves, thanks to my lecturer in charge who knew them personally. They even freaked the hell out, when I updated them about my supposedly private tutoring with their legendary rapper of VIXX. However, I didn't think that they would keep freaking out every single time I called, though.

"Oh eonnie, did you listen to the songs I sent you?" My beloved roommate finally decided to speak of something other than Ravi and I being alone after almost half an hour of the whole conversation.

"Yah! Are you crazy? How am I supposed to listen to all of VIXX's songs in just two days?" I complained, trying to sound sulky.

"WELL, YOU HAVE TO, GIA! Especially the ones composed by Ravi himself!" Sorim exclaimed and both of them began complaining about my lack of determination because I wouldn't even listen to their songs.

However, they weren't aware that I actually did listen to them. To be honest, I had already listened to every single one of the songs from VIXX's discography including featured ones, LR tracks, Chinese and Japanese albums, member's OSTs for dramas, and even all of Ravi's solo. Yet, the effect of listening to him sing was way more heart-pounding than I had imagined. For some unknown reasons, since the first conversation itself, I haven't been able to even properly look him in the eye yet. Some kind of fear and anxiousness have been swallowing me from within since I heard his hollow voice. At first, it only felt unreal, but later on, it began to haunt me.

As though I was living in my dreams instead of reality.

On the other hand, the astonishing diversity of the songs he composed really surprised me. His dance songs were seriously catchy and sensual at the same time, while his solo hip hop tracks were so damn energetic and addictive. Even more shockingly, he had all upbeat, sexy and melancholic songs composed in the same album without contaminating their individual colours. I was in awe of his outstanding ability to produce quality music in every genre possible with remarkable lyrics as well.

Although he was more recognized for his hip-hop music, among all of his genres, I found myself being defenselessly drawn towards his soulful ballads. They were all so serene and sorrowful at the same time and I was truly stunned by the intensity of his profound lyrics. It sounded as though he was pouring his damaged heart into deep words, and they talked to me painfully.

He seemed lonely. He was yearning for love, either a lost one or a yet to be gained one. Either way, he was in pain and I believed that he has been trying to get over it for a long time. For the past two days, I have not seen him in person yet because he was caught up with concert and fan meets and for no logical reason, I was missing a stranger I met two days ago.

I was missing his cavernous voice, his charming face and his ever so captivating eyes.

After ending the call with my dearest housemates, I decided to take a walk on the terrace of the hotel for fresh air despite the dangerous height daunting me. Like a habit, I found myself playing Ravi's sad serenades, while I hummed along with the soulful music and somehow I felt fear easing a little. My heartbeat instantly raced for all of his parts and even if it was only for a few seconds, he still sounded as breathtaking as ever. Leaving a cautious distance between my body and the railing, I looked up at the starlit night sky and let myself be carried away by the calming chorus as I began humming the sad lines along.

♫ "I don't like anything that's not you

Nothing in this world can interfere

Right here, right now,

It's only you and me...

Lalalala...

Lalalala..." ♫

"It needs to be only you..." A hollow voice echoed from the side as I felt a shiver colder than the night spread in my spine when I recognized it in a heartbeat.

"Ne?" Turning in his direction, I asked uncertainly, as the man himself stepped out of the shade and strolled towards me, smiling a little from his soft eyes. I noticed how he was still in his clothes from the High Touch event with that cute fashion glasses on. Although I've already seen all of the VIXX members wearing it, in my eyes it suited him the best.

"That's the next line of the song. It needs to be only you..." He pointed at my phone casually while I spend a few solid seconds staring at him like a pigeon before finally apprehending. However, with no coherent reasoning, it felt rather disappointing to know that he was simply quoting the lyrics and nothing more.

"Of course, it's the next line. I mean... you composed it. So, you'd definitely know it. Wait! Isn't this from like... 3 years ago?" I rambled on like the hopeless disarray I was while he stopped right before me and placed his forearms on the railing. Unknowingly I took a step backwards, from two of my fears at once.

The railing that looked over a seriously traumatizing height.

And the man who was leaning against it.

"It doesn't matter how long it has been, Gia-shi. I composed it and I know all my lines by heart. Speaking of which-", he turned my way as I froze with eyes wide open. I didn't know what was about to come next but I was already panicking.

"Someday is from our VOODOO album and as you've said, it's from 3 years ago. Why are you listening to it now?" He sounded really curious while I was plain dumbstruck.

I didn't know how I was supposed to tell him that not just Someday but all of his ballads were too damn beautiful. And I have been listening to nothing but those in the past two days because I couldn't stop myself from feeling the pain of his music. He was watching me expectantly while I was busy having monologues in my head. Luckily, my usually useless subconscious decided to save me on time with a perfect diversion.

"Well, I had no other options than to work on my own, since the person who was supposed to guide me seemed to have totally forgotten about my existence..." I stated sarcastically as he buried his head in his hands.

"About that... I'm so sorry, I was-"

"It's alright, Ravi-shi. I know you were busy." I interrupted his apology calmly as he seemed taken aback by the sudden change in my tone while I simply smiled.

"Wait, what? Really?"

"Yeap. I'm already thankful enough to you for willing to help me. So, I know better than to disturb you during your working hours. Come, on, Kim Ravi-shi! Do I look like a parasite to you?" Right after I said it, I heard the same words reverberate in my own head but with a slight change in the tone and an obvious change in the name mentioned.

'"Yah, Kim Wonshik! Do I look like a parasite to you?"'

I stood there frozen by the stinging sense of that scary deja vu while the gorgeous man before me reflected my own reaction precisely. It was shocking to recognize my own voice, calling him by his real name and that too, informally. Though we were coeval as well, something within my timid mind has been halting me from speaking casually with him, whereas it was easier with Hongbin. Both of us were equally taken aback by the sudden chillness in the air as I slipped a little while moving backwards and my hands instantly reached for the railing.

To my utter discomfort, I ended up catching the horrifying sight of the hotel's height as he stood there staring at me in shock. As if on cue, I felt the lump in my throat build up as the anxiety began to kick in slowly and my body was responding to the upcoming panic attack with cold sweats. Fortunately for him, he was quick to regain his composure as he cautiously approached a little closer to me.

"No... you don't look like a parasite at all, Kang Gia-shi. So, why don't you calm down and we can have a little chat if you want? Okay? Now, take a deep breath..." He sounded way too cautious as I tried to catch my breath. Even in that agitated state, my heart was expecting him to explain the earlier sense of deja vu. However, I quickly realized that it was impossible and decided to listen to him instead. Guiding me away from that godforsaken railing, he led us towards the nearest bench and we sat there staring at the sky in yet another awkward silence until my breathing returned to a normal rate.

"So..." I secretly sighed in relief when he attempted to start the conversation.

"Have you been sleeping well?" Although the question was a little weird, I could still feel his concern through it.

"Yeap... Your management got us one of the best hotels in Tokyo. Of course, I'll sleep well. Why do you ask?" I tried to sound as confident as possible while he rubbed his chin in silence, clearly not buying my answer.

"Nayeon noona was telling that you were suffering from nightmares. So, yeah... Best hotel in Tokyo, huh?" He shrugged giving me a sinister smile of disbelief, while my subconscious facepalmed herself as I momentarily forgot how close the group was with their stylist with whom I shared my room. I bit my lower lips trying to think of a believable justification but he overtook me again.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. I bet all of us have issues that we prefer to be left undiscussed." He slouched back in his seat while I contemplated his words. He was right and my nightmares top that list without any doubts and I knew quite well that he was related to them.

Correction. He was technically A PART OF them and I didn't know how to acknowledge him of it without sounding like a freak of nature.

"Do you have any issues like that too?" This time I took the first step to ask and he spent a little while thinking before finally nodding.

"Are those related to all your sad music?" He whipped in my direction with his alluring eyes wide open while I tried to remain unaffected by the sudden eye contact. He bored into my eyes again, with the same expression he had on the first day as I struggled to read them again. After what seemed like a heavy consideration, he finally answered.

"Yes... they are." He took off his glasses, revealing his flawless beauty in close distance after two whole days. Despite the breathtaking smile on his lips, his eyes seemed to be in pain and I caught myself holding back from craving to caress his face. While I was lost in absorbing his features, he continued to speak.

"But they are not that much of a big secret though... I've actually talked about them with the members before." I sensed a sudden thrill in my heart when I took note of the tiny spark of a chance I had in learning the reason behind his lonesome lyrics. If we could spend more time together, then perhaps, he will talk to me too.

"Didn't you say that such issues are not meant to be discussed?" I tried digging for more in the most casual manner. His lips twitched, indicating that he was thinking as he spun to completely face me.

"I used to think that way too. However, I started to feel a lot better after talking about it actually. I realized I felt at ease after sharing my thoughts with people who cared. Maybe... Just maybe, it might work for you too, if you would try talking..."

His eyes were shining with determination while I slowly digested his words. And when I did, I wasn't sure who between us was digging for answers anymore. However, what he said was undeniably true and somehow I felt myself wanting to tell him everything too but my insecure instincts didn't allow me to do so.

"Looking at your sorrowful lyrics... I think they are about your ex-lover if I'm not mistaken?" I made a bold guess and for the second time within just a few minutes, my choice of words made him gape in shock. He was scanning my face with an unclear expression. I wasn't sure if he was trying to study my abnormal mind's content or thinking of ways to casually avoid my statement, and I was hoping it to be earlier. He finally looked away, sighing to himself as he silently nodded.

So, I was right.

Love is a nightmare...

Love is incomplete...

It all finally made sense to me.

"Mianhae-yo, Ravi-shi. I didn't mean to interfere in your personal life..." I lied shamelessly.

That was exactly what I intended. I wanted to learn more about his personal life because I knew by heart, that it was in some way related to me. Related to a brush called my forgotten memories which had begun painting my past only in his presence. I wanted him to tell me that we were not strangers, and that was the meaning behind every single one of his yearning gazes since day one. However, he only shook his head, smiling a little uneasily.

"Anieyo... Don't be sorry. It was my fault.. that she left me. I am the only one to be blamed..."

"Wae-yo... What did you do?" I still braved myself to ask more even when my instinct was irking me not to. He glanced at me with the shadow of a sorrowful smile gracing over his trembling lips.

"I... I didn't hold onto her properly. I was-", his words choked in despair. "-I was not strong enough..." His elegant eyes whelmed with tears of regret as he tried so hard to blink them away. And it shattered my soul to see him break like that. Although he was blaming himself, somehow I was the one feeling guilty. Gathering enough courage, I inched a little closer and took his trembling hands into mine as they froze in shock. Even on that cold night, his hands were still as warm as his heart.

"Gwenchana-yo... You can cry if it is hurting. I won't judge you." His eyes remained static on our clasped hands when I suddenly recalled a quote from nowhere.

"I am not sure where I heard this before, but I hope it would help you feel better." He lifted his dulled face expectantly as I tightened my grip.

"If you love something, try setting it free. If it comes back, then it's yours. If it doesn't, then..."

"It was never meant to be in the first place..."

We finished the quote in a chorus, startling myself once again. Firstly, I don't remember reading a quote like that before but it did occur to me out of the blue. And secondly, Kim Ravi knew it too. I tried rationalizing myself regarding the common knowledge for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it was from a movie, or a song or even Facebook. However, his expression proved otherwise. A permanent frown accompanied by an agonizingly painful smile appeared on his face, as he replied with his deep voice breaking in despair.

"Then, she was never meant for me at all, I guess..."

A silent tear fell from his starry eyes as he stayed still, not even trying to hide the vulnerability. I felt a heavy storm of agony cloud my heart, as it threatened to pour through my eyes while I watched the beautiful man before me break in grief. And the familiar sound of his devastated voice, stirred my emotions further, worsening my already wrenched state. On cue, his dazzling eyes began to pour and I finally did the one thing that I was longing to do since the moment our eyes first met. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer as he buried his tearful face in the crook of my neck.

My hands habitually began stroking his velvety hair and his wrapped around my torso while I tried to hush his heartbreaking weeps. He sobbed feebly in my embrace and I was fighting back my own tears, in order to remain strong for him. Although all my heart and soul longed to stay still in the tenderness of that emotional moment, I knew that I had to let him go at some point. With my sanity and subconscious on dysfunction, I blurted out the first random thing that came to my mind.

"It might not be the way you think, Ravi-shi. Who knows, maybe she might come back to you..."

And just like I predicted, my random line did break the closeness effortlessly, as he slowly pulled away from my embrace. Though it killed me to let go, I held myself back feeling thankful enough for getting to hold him even it was only for a short while. He rubbed his puffed eyes before burying his tear-stained face in his palms while I kept looking at the unreal man thoughtlessly. After a few minutes, he finally glanced at me and flashed his most breathtaking smile, stopping my heart in the process.

"That's very kind of you to say so, Gia-shi but... I don't think that's even possible anymore." He stood up while speaking as I instantly did the same, gaping a little startled.

"What? I mean- wae... wae-yo?" He tilted his head to the side, as he studied my dumbstruck face before smiling more.

"You sure are very curious like Jyani hyung said. However, I believe I have told you enough about me for today. Whereas, you didn't say a word about yourself or even your nightmares..." I pressed my lips into a thin line as I attempted to come up with another reason but he laughed, catching me off guard by the addictively adorable sound of it.

"It's alright, Gia-shi. Like I said earlier, it is fine if you want to keep it to yourself. You don't have to open up to me too just because I did..." The disappointment was evident in his tone as he masked it with another mesmerizing smile.

"I hope you get to sleep well at least for tonight, Gia-shi. Good night." He began walking away and I was already running after him like a lost kitten.

"Wait... can't you at least tell me why it is not possible for he-. I mean, for your ex-lover to return?"

Although I knew I sounded cruelly inconsiderate of his feelings, I desperately had to hear his answer. He stopped in his track with his rigid back facing me and I bet he must be mentally cursing me for acting so shamelessly selfish. Even my subconscious was cursing at me in various languages. However, he turned around with a curious grin plastered onto his gorgeous face as he asked back.

"Aren't you a little too persistent, Kang Gia-shi?" He was still smiling while he waited for me to respond. Whereas I simply stood there with my eyes begging for answers as his smile slowly disappeared. He took a deep breath before glancing back at me.

"It's because... she's no more to return, Gia-shi. She died in an accident five years ago."

With that he walked away, leaving me shaken by his unexpected response. More precisely, I was left traumatized by that almost unbelievable extent of resemblances his statement held to my own.

Kim Ravi lost his future in an accident five years ago.

And I lost my past, also in an accident, and that too was exactly five years ago.

★★★★★★

| Title's Song ~ Someday (VIXX - VOODOO) |