Where we stand

When I said I'd think about it I was obviously going. Pretending like I didn't care was my way of being in control of the situation. They have to wait on me and things have to be on my terms. It made sense for Macius to want me to attend his game. I never went to them because I just never cared for them but now it makes sense in a way for him to show off to me.

I don't resent him. This is probably the most at ease I felt in a relationship. I didn't feel like I had to show off in any way or prove I'm the most suitable amongst many. I didn't feel inadequate in any way despite the nobility difference. He isn't even a bad guy he's just kinda… himboish at times. He likes to show off and I kinda feel like I'm holding him back from doing that.

I forgot about the amount of people who belong to the lacrosse team and specifically I forgot Christian ran amongst them. It's not like I don't see him everyday. It's the fact that I still kinda dread seeing him. I know and the whole school knows about that painting yet no one except myself knows the context. To see myself represented in a way I didn't see myself is kinda intimidating in a way but at the same time it's like a mirror. It is me but spread in a different media. The painting was so uncanny to me.

It would be so odd for him to see me sitting watching him when I never did before. I wasn't for school spirit unless it was about me. The one and only time I showed up was when Daniela wanted to show me some dance she came up with for cheer.

I watched down to the sidelines where Mormon sat clenching his stick watching something he can't take part in or Marshall messily and goofily trying to woo the cheerleaders who paid him no set of attention because they were focused on Chantelle who was parting away hair from Daniela's face. My eyes strayed onto the field and caught eye contact with Macius to which he pointed at me but the crowd didn't know that. They just thought it was a fan service type of thing.

"I thought this wasn't your scene."

"When did I say that?" Lorel wanted to come back around talking to me when she didn't even apologize. Make it make sense. "You can't just show up like nothing happened."

"And you can't act like my reaction wasn't valid. Imagine your friend accusing you of flirting with their boyfriend. Offensive right, of course it is. The only attraction I've ever had to Macius was sexual and didn't go beyond that. If I wanted him, Zayn I could have had him. I didn't need to pass you over to him."

"You're not even apologizing." I roll my eyes as I try to focus my eyes back to the field.

"I'm sorry you felt that way."

"I mean apologize for not listening to me." I close my eyes as I'm close to snapping on her.

"Because what you said was bullshit. Chemistry or whatever you think we have is just our natural interactions. I'm sorry you're jealous of that. You're insecure about your short relationship with stipulations. Sorry you agreed to that." I want to drown her out by listening to cheers and chatter in the crowd but of course she is right beside me and the loudest voice near. "What I'm saying is true and you hate to hear it. It's not my fault. If you have such a problem just break up already and stop dragging it out and bringing it up with me. I'm surprised he didn't initiate the break up yet. This isn't his thing. You're being way too emotional." She turns towards the field as they get ready to start. "There is no other perspective other than you're being insecure. You're making everyone else feel guilty for your own problems. If you care about him in anyway do everyone a favor and break up. Nobody knows about you two anyways." She's right. There is no one except us who knows. At this point everyone must think him and Lorel are getting together. That stings. Maybe she is right but I don't really want to admit it.

Plenty things now run through my mind what if I ran onto the field right now and wrap my arms around him and kiss him right now would fix everything or just wait until the end of the game and just end it like Lorel said or we talk it out and see how things go but all of those might not happen as smoothly as I imagine in my head. Maybe I'm stupid for real. Now I feel somewhat guilty. It feels kinda painful to watch him cross the field at this point.

There was a point in time where it came into my mind I might be the bad guy in some aspects of my story. Did I think selfishly? I ask as I genuinely don't know. I know I'm vain but I know I can see the other side. I feel like I should have gotten rid of him in the first week when I heard Anthony type some of his messages. I can't leave because he might be disappointed by my absence so I smiled through it until the end.

I feel kinda bad for ruining the mood today because he won and the happiness in his face is kinda hard to look at. He's looking at me waving and cheering all I think is this might not be what he wanted to hear today.

"Are you crying?"

"What?"

"You're crying." I wipe my fingers under my eyes and feel the wet texture of tears under my eyes.

"Woah." I didn't even realize it. I didn't feel anything. I don't feel that upset but yet I'm crying. "I'll be back."

"Since when do you like Lacrosse? I remember you saying it's basically tennis but with longer rackets." Saintclair asked as he stood beside me in the bathroom.

"Didn't you also say it's a shit sport you didn't respect?"

"Yeah but it's kinda fun to watch. It's kinda funny but since I'm bored and have been kicked out of everything I loved like debate and drama club so I'm taking Journalism seriously not using it as a front for nefarious activities as the principal said. I used my camera as intended when it was gifted and I took some candid photos of the team and my skills are better than I thought. Maybe I can shape up my portfolio before it's too late."

"So now you're a real journalist?"

"Yep, I convinced some people I am a changed person and this is serious so we have like 3 other members. Interested?"

"It's not my thing?"

"What is your thing then? You have no interest in anything it seems like. I mean you're in the authors and poets club but I doubt you actually take it seriously."

"Who said I don't enjoy it but I don't have to submit anything. I have nothing to prove."

"If you say so."

I intended to come in here and just dazed into the mirror until I felt better but it's such a bad time because it's so busy. I scoffed at myself as I realized I had to find somewhere else to be by myself or just go back outside and I decided to do the latter. I glared at Lorel as I made my way on the field passing by Daniela and Chantelle who were surprised to see me.

"When I saw you in the stands I was really surprised I thought you wouldn't come or lie to me." Macius smiled at me as I walked up to him which made me even more bad.

"Are you here to end things?"

"Shut up, Anthony. I already said I don't want that." He rolled his eyes in his direction. "Anyways, I wanna say sorry I guess. I feel like I should have been more considerate of your feelings if this is gonna work and if it makes you uncomfortable I will be more considerate with the way I speak to people because I actually enjoy spending time with you." Errr. Why does he have to smile and make me feel like shit. Ugh he seems so sincere I hate this.

"I'm sorry abou-" I swallow down the need to break down about this. I should have sat in my car and let it all out before coming down here. I turn my face away from him as I rethink what I had to say. The appearance that I had my feelings under control was slipping from me slowly. "I'm really sorry for everything."

"What are you apologizing for? It's on me. I should've listened to you and taken your feelings into consideration but I didn't and it's my fault. I get it I would feel uncomfortable if you were seeming to flirt with someone you used to have interest in.

"I think we should break up."

"HUH!?!"

"Zayn I don't think we need to break up. I'm fine. The question is if you're fine."

"If he really wants to go separate I say cut the rope."

"Oh my god can shut the hell up and stop butting in for 5 minutes. You're one of the reason he hates me, the fuck. I just want to talk and handle my own problems without you in my head like you're my conscience." Macius yells at Anthony who almost smallens at the callout. "I just want to have something for myself. Please stop." Anthony nods as he reluctantly walks towards the locker rooms after side eyeing me. "I don't want to break up because of something so stupid. C'mon we could make this work right. I actually enjoy myself and I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I'm sorry." Uhh. I was told this was the right decision but it doesn't seem like what he wants. "Zayn I care about you a lot and we haven't spent that much time together yet I'm begging you let's not end this now. It feels too fresh." That is true. The crack in his voice is making me feel like a villain. Lorel's words really got into my head.

"I feel like you really want to be able to show off what we and you want to show off and right now I'm not for that. I just think it's better."

"Zayn, I'm not that superficial because I like being an open person doesn't mean I wouldn't want to be with you or you're holding me back. I actually like what we have. It means everyone's not up in our business all the time. No people mobbing us all the time. It is quite quiet."

"So what?"

"So what? It's up to you because I'm the one in the wrong, right?"

"I don't know."

"I don't want to live in this state of limbo. Zayn, just make up your mind as soon as possible but I'm extending a hand to you to attend my hurray party and please come like you came today. Say yes." he would feel bad if I said no.

"Yeah."

"Good. Whenever you make up your mind I'm gonna be the best boyfriend I could. Go down in history probably." So you say.