Ruining things again

I find it frustrating to be blamed for how things went when I had good reasons to be upset. Daniela acts as if I offended her in the worst way possible and Lorel keeps behaving as if I made false allegations. I don't feel like skating around their feelings right now. It's all I do because it's been instilled in me to be accommodating to them but I need to prioritize my own feelings sometimes and all I do is push it down and it's beginning to hurt me more than I let on. I enjoy being their friends but the secondary aspects muddle everything.

So here I am at a party hiding somewhere not trying to get drunk like usual but just drinking for the fun of it while I scroll through my phone. Occasionally I would see Macius but he didn't see me because I would rather blend into the background. It seemed like at some point he was searching for me but I didn't show myself.

Lorel found me but after earlier we didn't communicate. I think she expected me just to severe everything but it seemed like she was disappointed in me. I don't feel like I could be okay with her until she sees my side. I feel like most of the time she's on my side but now she's just wrong in my opinion.

I started to forget what I really was to them and here I was downing drinks. I'm the responsible one, the designated driver. I really did get worse as time went on. It's kinda my fault things went to shit. If I didn't just impulsively drink maybe Daniela wouldn't be having the problems she has now.

I kinda hate myself more and more everyday. It kinda annoys me. I feel like to place blame on myself and for some instances I feel like I was being gullible. I want to believe people could be better underneath all the facade they usually share but after the third time my judgment should be better but it still isn't.

I should indulge too much because the last moments of the night before always slips my mind and I hate myself when the early morning hits me and I guess I should have brace myself for waking up in a familiar environment. It shouldn't become second nature to be this comfortable here. I shouldn't be so normal waking up in these silk sheets. If I open my eyes and look at him I'll be trapped again and this might take me back to start.

FUCK MY LIFE

I'm ruining things, I always end up ruining things. I don't want to ruin things. I'm in a damn relationship yet here I am. Oh my god. I could feel his arms wrapped around me. I could feel his skin and I felt like an all around bad person. I have a boyfriend. Even if things are kinda rough right now doesn't mean I should be where I am right now.

"Stop moving, you're gonna make me hard again." Aaron whispered in my ear as he pulled me closer. "What are you trying to do? Leave me again without saying anything?" Obviously. I want to leave. I'm panicking. I am doing something wrong.

"I need to-"

"Need to what?" He said in almost a mocking tone which made me want to shove him but his hold was really tight. "You seemed really skilled if you know what I mean. Have you been training for me or am I being delusional? I thought you were inexperienced."

"I don't need to answer that."

"It would satisfy me if you did. I'm kinda bothered now. I feel like there's something I don't know."

"I want to leave, I need to leave, I shouldn't be here. There is nothing for you to know because it's none of your business. I can't remember shit. I shouldn't be around you because of who you are. Are you forgetting what you said about me Aaron." His hold on me slackened and I took the opportunity to push him away and get up. I don't need to say anything.

"I'm just curious is all. You know I still like you."

"And you're the worst person to like. The public hates you because you're a snake. You're a bad person and you need to see that. What you did to me should have me throwing shit on you anytime I see you and to this day you still get booed when seen even in school so give up. I can't like you because of who you are and I can't overlook it anymore."

"Wow. I guess I shouldn't feel bad for you when you get drunk anymore." He said as he sat up to look at me.

"No you never had to. You only started doing that to distract me like the snake you are. Where is my shit?" I shriek as I stand in my naked form. What's the point of blocking anything when he's seen it before in a sexual and non-sexual way. We do share a locker room.

"Down the hall. You took it all off by the couch." I really do need to remember my night before because I don't remember that. "You're acting like you have a lover or something." That made me pause for a second and I guess he picked that up. "Is that true? Is it Lorel's sister or are you with some guy on the low. Either way I'm kinda jealous." I ignored him and left the room. I am absolutely disgusted by myself because maybe later or tomorrow I have to face Macius and lie to his face. "Do I know the guy? Is he any better than me? Do you love him?" I try to block him out as he follows me but that last one made me tisk out loud. Why would I ever love Macius? He's a really nice guy but there isn't much to pull me in and the most that happens is I might get mildly infatuated with him.

"Yeah, way better. You're acting like you're the best guy you act like you are." I thought I was over him yet here I am. I guess I am. He now annoys me more than ever. I see him alot like how I see Elenore. I would rather die than express feelings for him. I hate being as vulnerable as he sometimes gets me.

"You're making me feel like a shit guy." Aaron rattled with a voice crack.

"Because you are a shitty person!" I want to scream at this guy so badly. "I can't tell if you're acting or being real, that's how bad of a bad person you are."

"Are you for real?"

"Yes, yes that's how I feel. I can't tell which aspects you made up to make me like you or you're just saying shit to sway me. You're a bad guy Aaron and everyone sees it." I think I was the last person he was expecting to say that to him. Everyone was saying it before he left but I didn't say anything. Now that I've said it to him it just makes everything raw and real. "You need to forget about me and pretend I don't exist. I'll do the same." I fish my phone out of my pocket to find it dead and I sigh in disappointment. I don't want to ask this guy for a ride but I could walk to Daniela's and call an uber. I leave him slumped on his couch in deep thought and half naked.

Instead of receiving an uber when I arrive unexpectedly at the Venices they send me home with their Chauffeur. When I got home my sister had questions to ask but let me go to my room. I seemed fine. I wasn't shaken up, just annoyed. Now that I had to sit next to my phone I kinda dread opening it. I don't think of looking at Macius' contact and not feel the need to tell him the truth no matter how painful.

"So where were you now?" Laverne asks as she makes her presence known.

"Making a bad decision that I'm regretting."

"Zayn I swear to god if It's what I think that's so bad. You're just hitting the same mistakes in your relationships." She rolls her eyes and scoffs.

"Yes I know. I'm the bad guy. I wasn't planning for it to just happen. I can't even remember it happening. It's not like things are boring, it's just tense right now. I had no reason to even do that and it's the worst person ever." I look up at my ceiling while clutching my phone I accidentally turned on by my tight hold. My phone proceeds to vibrate over and over as messages come through. "What the fuck?" I mutter as I bring it over to my face to see what the hell was going on. All the messages seemed to be from Macius. Alternating between his own cell and Anthony's with sporadic voice messages or verbal text. Some seem like nonsense but it was clear that he wanted to see me.

"Get out, I have to be somewhere."

"But you just got here."

"Who cares."