Chapter Twelve: I'm Sorry

Recently Luke has been trying to pressure me to accept to go on a date with him, but I just don't want to. I'll admit I had feelings for Luke in the beginning or at least I thought I did, but I just don't have them anymore. Maybe he was too late in telling me his feelings and I just lost them along the way, but I can't bring myself to feel the same way and I feel bad. Luke is a great guy, but just not for me.

All week I've been spending time with Jude at school and it felt like old times. Of course, I still ate lunch with Jordyn and Ray, even Gabby joined us with Julian, her boyfriend. Julian was able to convince Gabby that Sabrina was not really her friend and that she was just using her. Luke started eating with other people though, I guess he was upset that Jude and I were hanging out again. I have to end things with him before they even really start, I don't want to hurt him.

I texted him and asked if he could meet me at the park, took about an hour but he agreed. I was nervous about meeting him because I didn't even know what I was going to tell him. I mean what could I possibly say?

'Hey, yeah I don't like you in that way I'm sorry have a good life.' I was for sure not saying that.

I thought long and hard about what I was going to say and I think I figured it out. I sat at the edge of the hill waiting for him to arrive, it wasn't long until I felt his cold hand touch my shoulder. I got up and greeted him with a hug, it was probably the coldest hug I have ever felt in my life. I could tell he was pissed and he knew what I wanted to talk to him about.

"Look Alyanna," he didn't even make eye contact with me, "there's no easy way to say this but I'm just gonna come right out and say it," he paused for a bit and finally managed to meet my eyes, "I'm moving," he finally spat out after a long dramatic pause.

"You're what?" I was in shock, I didn't even see this coming. This was so random, he never brought up the fact that he might move.

"Well, my dad got a new job in New York and he asked if I wanted to move or if I wanted to stay here with some relatives. I told him I wanted to stay since I thought I had a chance with you, but I see now that it isn't going to happen anytime soon so I agreed this morning to leave," he says as if it meant absolutely nothing.

"When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow night," he says so calmly.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" I'm almost on the verge of crying even though I know I shouldn't since I might have caused him pain and I drove him to make this decision.

"Would it have mattered Alyanna? You have always loved Jude and you probably always will. There's no denying that, and you know it. I already warned you and told you that you are going to get hurt, I just won't be here for it anymore," he shrugged his shoulders and turned his back as if he was about to walk away.

"Why are you doing this?" I yelled at his back.

He turned around and walked a few steps closer and he saw the tears forming in my eyes.

"You feel that pain?" He almost whispered. I nod a little and look down.

"Good, because that is the same way you made me feel. You're nothing but a carefree girl who has no idea what she's doing or who she bothers hurting on the way. Have a good life Alyanna." With that, he walked away and I never saw him again.

I called Jude to come over to the park and he almost rushed over here since he heard a crack in my voice. As soon as he got there he embraced me in a hug and kissed my forehead.

"What happened Aly?" He questioned and you could hear the worry in his tone.

I told him everything that went down and all he did was disagree with what Luke had told me. I know what Luke said was true, I am a carefree girl who doesn't even know who she hurts.

"Look at me," he held my shoulders and focused on my eyes trying to get me to look up at him, "you are an amazing girl who has a big heart. It's his loss, not yours. You are so beautiful, smart, and extremely kind. Any guy would be lucky to have you, and to top it off you are the best friend anyone can ever ask for. I'm lucky to have you."

He was so sweet, but Luke was still right. I am a heartbreaker and I didn't even know it. Luke was right, I need to move on because Jude isn't mine and he never will be. He's a great best friend and that's all that really matters to me. Jude embraced me in another hug and walked me home.

We waited at my doorstep for me to open the door with my key. I went in and said bye but he stopped the door from closing.

"Aly, can we talk?" He asked with such a sincere tone in his voice.

"Maybe tomorrow, Jude. I just want to be alone right now." He nodded and I closed the door behind me.

I walked upstairs to my room and sat on my bed. I saw the picture of my mom and me on my desk. I get up to pick up the picture and just hold it. She was so beautiful and amazing, I wish I could be just like her. I wish she was still here, why did cancer have to take her fucking life away. Fuck cancer. I miss her so much, more than anything. She would know what to do and how to fix the mess I made. She would help me with Jude and figure out what was wrong and how I could just get over it. I want my mom back.