Chapter 22 - Alexia

I was suffering. Not from me being sick, but from heartbreak.

I thought I could trust Luke, but he turned out to be… a boy. Just a stupid boy.

When Luke came to my house, I was actually happy for a second, until I remembered what he had done to me.

I told him of my feelings: how I thought that the thing that hurt more was the fact that he lied to me. The kiss with Vanessa was more like the cherry on the cake. I'm not really the jealous type, even if it was with the person I hate most in the world, but I need to be with someone that thinks that trust is the most important thing in a relationship. If you can't trust one another, then it's not a healthy relationship. And Luke, doing what he did, proved to me that we weren't working out.

Even after the accident though, I couldn't stop thinking about him. He was constantly on my mind.

What is he doing right now?

Is he thinking about me?

Has he gotten another girlfriend already?

Ugh.

My life was a mess. The only positive thing is that I was sick, so I couldn't go to school, so I didn't have to deal with Luke. Yay.

Unfortunately though, my luck ran out. On Sunday morning I checked my temperature and it was back to normal. That meant that I had to go to school the next day. I know I could've just skipped, but I only skip if I'm sick.

I know, I'm a goodie-two-shoes. But I don't care.

Monday I woke up, got ready and walked to school. As I was pacing, I decided that I wouldn't let what happened between me and Luke ruin my life. So, from then on I would just ignore him and move on. And I did exactly that.

I got to school and went to English class. I sat down and took out my stuff. After a while Lisa walked in, sat besides me and we started chatting. She told me about her weekend and I told her about mine (leaving out Luke, of course).

When Luke walked in, I pretended not to notice him, but I could still see him with the corner of my eye. He looked at me, but then saw that I was ignoring him. He lowered his head and walked to his seat.

He didn't speak to me the whole lesson.

I honestly thought that seeing him miserable would cheer me up, but that wasn't the case at all. It hurt me to see him sad. I wanted to help him, but I knew that that wasn't the right thing to do. This was his punishment for his lies.

But what's the point in punishing someone if you're suffering too?

These thoughts were crowded in my brain the whole day. By the end, I was actually kind of sad that Luke hadn't acknowledged me. Deep down, I was kind of hoping that he would come talk to me. But no, nothing.

After P.E., I decided to go to the school library and get a new book. I'd finished the one at home, so I needed a new one. Plus, I needed a distraction from all that was going on in my life (cough, Luke, cough).

I walked around the aisles for a while, picking random books, reading the summary on the back, and putting them back again. When I finally chose one (What If It's Us), I left and went home. I wanted to start reading it right away, but I knew I had homework to do, so I put the book on my bed and did my work. It took me about an hour and a half. When it was done, it was already 7 pm, so as soon as I opened the book, my mother called from downstairs.

"Alexia, it's time for dinner!"

"Coming!"

I reluctantly placed the novel on my nightstand and went downstairs to eat. I sat down just as my mom placed a dish of Lasagna in the middle of the table.

"I made this just for you," she said.

There was nothing strange in the gesture, but I understood what she was really trying to say. She was trying to cheer me up after the break-up. She found out about it after she found me in my room, crying. I told her everything, but at the time she didn't seem affected. Then she started putting delicious food in my face.

I guess it's not that bad, but it's unnecessary.

"Mom, you don't need to do this," I said.

"Yes, I do," she stated. "Everyone needs food after a break-up."

"Not me," I said. "I just need time."

"And food?" my mother asked.

"Mom, no," I answered sternly.

"Ugh, fine," she said. "I won't cook anything over-the-top anymore. Now eat your food."

"Thanks mom."

"You're welcome, darling."

I finished my food and went to my room. Finally, I could read a bit. I read two or three chapters, then decided to call it a night. It was only 10 pm, but I was so tired that as soon as I closed my eyes, I drifted off to sleep.

A week has passed and still Luke hasn't talked to me.

But what was I expecting? I basically banned him from my life. There was no reason for us to talk anymore. I just wanted him to apologize. When he came at my house the week before, he wanted to explain what had happened, but hadn't tried to say sorry.

Anyways, Monday after school I had to bring What If It's Us back to the library.

Yes, I'm a fast reader.

To reach the library I had to walk past the swimming pool. As I was walking, I spotted Luke on the edge of the pool. I accelerated my pace and gave back my book.

I was walking back, and again I saw Luke with the corner of my eye, but there was another person with him.

Suddenly, the two figures morphed together. Wait, what?

I turned my head completely.

A read-head. He's making out with a fucking read-head.

I sprinted outside, desperate to get away quickly. I ran all the way home, then crashed onto the bed and cried. How could he do this to me?

We broke up a little more than a week ago and he's already made out with some tramp. I know that technically we weren't together anymore, but he should know that I'm still in love with him!

Oh god, I still loved him. In that moment I realized that, even if he lied to me, he meant the world to me. I couldn't live without him, and I couldn't stand the idea of him being with someone else. But what could I have done? He went for the read-head. It's not like I could've gone there and said Hey, Luke. I'm still in love with you. Lose this bitch and let's go make out.

I was heart-broken, and I thought that I would never forgive Luke.

Fortunately I was wrong.

For the first time in my life, I skipped school. I locked myself in my room for days, refusing to go out. I wouldn't even go downstairs to eat, so my mother had to leave the food in front of my door and knock. I would open it slightly and take the food, even if I rarely ate. I probably lost like ten pounds for lack of food. I would spend all day watching TV, reading, sleeping, but mostly crying. My mother was worried sick. She kept trying to talk to me, but I would just shut her out. I was too depressed to even care. The only person with whom I could feel better was Tom. Even by just sitting in my room, playing with Spider-Man, he would bring me joy and he would make me forget about my worries.

One day, I heard my mom walking towards my room, and knocking. I waited a little bit, just to make sure that she would walk away. I didn't want her to see me like this: messy hair, sunken eyes, puffy cheeks and dirty clothes. I was a mess.

After a while, I opened the door only to find myself facing my mom.

"Please, Alexia. Let me in," she pleaded.

I was too tired to complain. She walked in and turned to look at me.

"You look like crap," she noted. I smiled slightly. I knew she was trying to cheer me up a bit, and I appreciated that. "I know."

She sat on my bed and sighed. "This has to stop, Alexia. I know that you've been going through a tough time, but it's not healthy to go through it alone. I can help you."

"I know," I said again. She didn't say anything for a while.

"Did I tell you about my high school boyfriend?" she asked me. I shook my head.

"He was a senior, and I was a sophomore. He was really sweet, and cute, and handsome. I thought we would be together for ever." She paused. "But one day I found out that he had cheated on me with his ex girlfriend. I was crushed. I stayed in bed for weeks, not wanting to talk to anyone. Like you now," she said, tucking some hair behind my ear. "When I was finally able to talk to someone about it, I realized that there's so much more to life than a bunch of boys. I forgot about him, and a few months later I met your dad. What I'm trying to say," she continued. "Is that life is full of obstacles. You just have to get over them and forget about them. Sure, some are a little harder to pass than others, but only if you are alone. Talk to me, to your friends, to someone. I'm sure you'll feel better. Just keep going forward and you'll be fine." She kissed me on the forehead. "Okay?"

"Yeah. Thanks mom," I said.

"No problem, honey," she said, placing an arm on my shoulders. "Do you want to come help me cook lunch?"

"Sure, but let me wash up first," I answered.

"Okay, I'll wait for you downstairs," she said and walked out of the door. I took a quick shower, then opened my closet and chose some long blue jeans and a white t-shirt. I brushed my hair and then pulled it up in a ponytail. It felt good to be back to normal. Sort of. I was still miserable about Luke, but I promised myself to at least try to be happy and look at the positive things in life.

I went downstairs only to find my mother slicing the chicken.

"Oh, look at my beautiful daughter, all cleaned up," she said, grinning.

I smiled and then asked her what I could do to help. As all mothers do, she gave me a list of things, so I got to work.

After about two hours, the kitchen was clean, the food was eaten and the bellies were full.

It was a Saturday, and I decided that I would go back to school on Monday. It's been almost two weeks, and I didn't want to worry anybody. Luckily though, I still had a day and a half.

After lunch I went to my room and sat at my desk. There was a picture of Luke and I in the corner, showing us smiling like morons after our snowball fight. I smiled at the memory. I knew I should have thrown it away, but I somehow couldn't bring myself to do it. In the other corner was a lamp, which I turned on to see my multiple sheets of paper in the middle. For days I had tried to write a letter to Luke. They were all different, from I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have acted like I did, to Fuck you, you asshole. I discarded them all. They just weren't right. But now, after my talk with my mom, I knew exactly what to say.

Hey Luke,

I'm writing you to tell you that I'm sorry for what happened, but I can't overlook what you did to me. You really hurt my feelings, and it will probably take me a while to heal.

Knowing myself, I will end up forgiving you, but I'm not sure if we're really compatible with each other.

What I'm trying to say is that when all this will be behind us, and I'm sure it will, I don't want to have a romantic relationship with you. I just want to have a simple friendship, based on trust and goodwill.

I'm sorry, but I don't want to get hurt like last time, and honestly, I'm afraid to even try.

See you at school,

Alexia