Chapter 6: I'm Learning From My Mistakes

This time, I was the one who volunteered to stay behind. My brothers were on that kid Jeremy's tail for trying to kill Bobby and to take him out before he took them out first. I sat in a lounge chair in the motel room with the newspaper Dean was reading in one hand and a shotgun across my lap… Just in case. I chew on the butt of my pen and think of a seven-letter word for coward. That's when I hear a soft click from the door. I freeze for a moment before jumping out of my chair and crouching down behind it out of sight, shotgun in hand. The doorknob twists lightly and the door opens a crack. I poise my gun gently in the intruder's direction but remain out of sight, that's when I see her. Bela slips into the room and checks around. She has a gun in her hand but quickly packs it into her purse before starting to the back of the room towards the safe. I step out of my hiding space when she has her hand on the dial and I cock off the safety.

"Freeze bitch." I hiss at her with my gun aimed at her chest

She spins around in shock and raises her hands in the air "Oh! I didn't realize anyone was here" She smiles brightly at me

"Guess you're not as smart as you think you are" I counter

She grins fondly at me as though I amuse her. It's irritating. "Evan is it?"

"You know who I am. What the hell do you think you're doing in here?"

"Did anyone ever tell you, that you sound an awful lot like your big brother Dean?"

"Shoot like him too" I squint, "You have about thirty seconds to tell me why I shouldn't blast a hole right through your chest"

"What are you, like twelve" She frowns

"Thirteen going on fourteen"

"Ah" Bela nods, "The littlest Winchester boy"

"You're running out of time"

"Okay, how about because if you do, someone will hear the gunshot and you'll be taken away in cuffs and slammed away before your brothers even know that you're missing"

I consider it for a moment and smirk "Not good enough"

"Okay Evan, you drive a hard bargain"

I smile proudly but don't lower my gun. I place my finger on the trigger.

"Have you ever killed a person before, Evan?"

"I've killed lots of things"

"I'm sure you have. But have you ever killed a human being before? It's quite different. Taking away a life from a flesh and blood human being. Listening to the cracking of their bones as a bullet smashes through them, watching the life drain from their eyes as they lie there swimming in a pool of their own blood. Can you deal with the visions and nightmares? Those images will never leave you, I can promise you that"

"You sound like you've had experience with killing"

"I've had more experience than you can imagine"

"I can imagine a lot"

Bela smiles again "I'm sure you can. What would your brothers think? They don't kill people out of cold blood. They're vigilantes sure, but for monsters"

"Some of the most dangerous monsters are human." I say. I think I heard that on a television show and I'm thrilled to be able to use it. I feel so grown up and witty. And powerful…

"You're a smart boy"

"That's what the last monster I met said" I lie. There have been plenty of monsters after yellow-eyes but now I feel like I'm in a dramatic movie scene so I try to keep up the sharp comments

"How about we make a little deal?" She shrugs, "you let me have the colt and let me leave here alive, and I'll give you and your brothers 3 million dollars. How does that sound?"

I laugh out loud "Are you kidding me? I'm not selling you the colt"

"You can do a lot with 3 million dollars"

"I said no. My whole family almost died to get that gun, it's not for sale"

"Your whole family?" She asks with a cock of her head, "even your mother?"

I tighten my grip on the gun.

"I'm guessing by your features that you're a half-brother? Your mother didn't die in a fire did she?"

"I wouldn't start talking about my mom if I were you" I was angry and protective over a woman who I had no recollection of. Maybe it was just the principle of it.

"I can help you" She smiled, "it's what I do… aside from stealing. I connect people with their lost loved ones. Isn't there anything you'd like to say to her? Anything you'd like to ask?"

Yes, of course. Starting with how she died since I've never been brave enough to ask my Dad and now it's too late.

"Give me the colt and I'll give you what you want." She says

I notice that I had lowered my gun slightly and I quickly reposition it "How about this instead, you shut up and I'll let you leave with your skull in one piece"

"Fair enough" She nods and adjusts the purse strap on her shoulder. She walks past me and gives a finger twiddle of a wave goodbye and leaves. I shut the door behind her, tuck the shotgun under my arm, and check the safe. The colt is still there. I close and lock the door again.

When Sam and Dean get back in I tell them what happens and Dean ruffles my hair so hard I stumble a little. It makes me feel like a little kid when he does that but he's so happy and proud of me that I can't help but to smile and blush. Sam gives me a high five and a pat on the back. I'm not sure whether he's happier that I saved the colt or didn't kill Bela but I'll take either. We lost it anyway a few days later; it was stolen right out of the Impala while we were sleeping. Sam thinks that Bela must have found a way to drug us when we stopped to eat or something because it takes a few days to shake it off. Dean is talking about shooting her on sight and normally I would agree but my mind is preoccupied with the note I found in my pocket the morning after the gun was stolen. Margaret Ann Kingsley, cause of death, stabbing.

"When I track her down" Dean is going on in the front seat

"We have to find her first." Sam says

"Well, she couldn't have gone far"

"You really believe that?"

"Guys" I say slumping over the front seat, "Did Dad ever talk to you about my Mom?"

"No. Why?"

"No reason" I sigh and sit back in my seat.

"I swear, Sammy. When I get my hands on that bitch-"

"Do you think we can not kill her when we find her?" I ask loudly over his ranting

"What?"

"You know. I just think that maybe we shouldn't kill her" I shrug

"Since when?"

"Yeah, Evan" Sam says, "I thought you hated Bela"

"I do hate her." I say honestly and debate whether or not I should tell them why I'm feeling so reluctant. "It's just that… I found this in my pocket" I say leaning forward again with the note. Sam takes it from me and reads it out loud.

"She gave this to you?"

"I found it in my pocket after I woke up"

"What's it say?" Dean asks peeking over

"Margaret Ann Kingsley, cause of death-stabbing" Sam reads, "Is that why you asked about your mom?"

I nod even though he can't see me since he's facing forward with his eyes on the paper.

"How does Bela know about your mom?" Dean asks suspiciously

"I don't know but she got her name right. That's something right?" I say

"Do you know how easy it is to get a name?" He quickly rebuffs, "You know what I think? I think she's trying to get inside of your head so we don't off her. Playing one of her manipulative games"

"But what if she knows something that we don't" I whine

"I don't buy it" Dean mutters, "plus, there's nothing she knows that we can't find out for ourselves"

I just say okay and drop it. I don't want to make it a big deal when we already have so much on our plates trying to get the colt back and Dean out of his deal. I think about my mother for the next couple of days and try my hardest to recall even a shred of memory, a smile, a laugh, a smell, but no matter how hard I willed the images into my mind I was still left with the same empty nothingness where I began. All I had left were my eyes, which I knew, were blue just like my mother's. My focus changed again, though when Dean died unexpectedly one night on a hunt when we were investigating a "mystery spot" in a town where some guy went missing. The owner of the cheesy funhouse knockoff blew a hole right through my oldest brother in front of my eyes. Blood splatter speckled my lips and eyelids and Dean laid on the ground dying. While Sam ordered Dean's murderer to call an ambulance, and cradled Dean in his arms, I remembered what Bela had said about the difference between a human and a monster dying in front of your eyes. The sound of the gunshot was still ringing loudly in my ears as Sam begged Dean not to leave us like this, and even though it was all erased by the next morning, I would never forget the blood.

Dean died a hundred times on a single Tuesday that kept replaying from the sound of that Asia song Dean loved so much. For as long as I live, I've never been able to stomach that song again. For a year or two even hearing the song as I flipped through radio stations would make me physically ill. It was too much for me to take and I'll admit that I shut down. I just didn't understand why life would be so cruel to me as to torture me day after day with my brother's untimely death and reset the clock so I could watch it again. Thankfully, Sam was kept pulling me through day after day silently working things out in his head until one day he attacked a man on the street. Dean told him to relax but I knew there was a method to Sam's madness that I would never understand. Turns out that a trickster that my brothers thought they had killed was spinning Sam and I through a loop.

"Why?" I demand through my teeth.

"This wasn't about you kid"

"He's my brother too!"

The trickster promised to let us out of the time warp but Dean just died again the next day and then he didn't come back the next morning. I was a zombie while Sam dragged me from place to place tracking down the trickster again. We hardly spoke for six months, he operated mechanically like a robot and I followed mindlessly like a dumb dog. I cried at night. Sam didn't hear me and if he did he didn't mention it. I soon lost track of all the places he took me until we hit the "Mystery Spot" again.

"What are we doing here?" I shiver, "Sam, I don't want to be here. Can we please go?"

Sam suddenly puts his hand on the back of my head and then in a quick change of pace he strokes my hair.

"Sam?" I ask in bewilderment and he grabs my face, pulls it close and kisses my forehead.

"Sam, you're scaring me" I say stunned

"Follow my lead" He says and exits the car. I obey and follow Sam closely. I know I'm thirteen, I feel an urge to hold his hand like a small child. I shove my hands into my pockets instead.

Bobby is kneeling on the floor with his back turned to us when we get in. I start forward to hug him but Sam reaches an arm out and puts a hand on my chest before I can take more than one step forward. I look at him in bewilderment but I don't say a word. Sam takes a step forward and I stay in my place. Bobby stands and turns around to face us.

"It's good to see you, boys" He says

"What are we doing here, Bobby" Sam says coldly

'Well, it's the last place we're sure the Trickster worked his magic."

"So?"

"I found a summoning ritual to bring the Trickster here"

My heart leaps and I gasp out loud. Sam's face remains deadpan.

"What do we need?" He asks

"Blood"

"How much blood?"

"Ritual says near a gallon. And it's gotta be fresh, too"

"Meaning we have to bleed a person dry" Sam says with a flick of an eyebrow

I'm ecstatic now. We should have answered Bobby earlier.

"And it's gotta be tonight. Or not for another fifty years." Bobby continues gravely

"Then let's go get some" Sam says and turns to leave. I'm already at the door when suddenly Sam stops and turns around. Bobby hasn't moved from his spot and I cannot imagine a reason why he's dragging his feet when we're so close to saving Dean.

"You break my heart, kid" He says to Sam as though I'm invisible

"What?"

"I'm not gonna let you murder an innocent man"

"Then why'd you bring me here?" Sam snaps

"Why?" Bobby stares at us incredulously "because it was the only way you'd see me!" He shouts

"Because I'm trying to knock some sense into you! Because you've kidnapped your little brother and threw him into this madness! Because I thought you'd back down from killing a man!"

"Well, you thought wrong." Sam shrugs "leave the stuff, we'll do it ourselves".

"Come on, Bobby" I urge, "this is the only way to save, Dean"

"You're just a kid, son. This is what you want to start doing? Killing innocent people?"

"I'll do whatever it takes, Bobby" I frown

"It's none of your damn business what we do" Sam glares at him

"You want your brother back so bad?" He asks, "Fine." Bobby takes a knife from his bag on the ground and holds it out to Sam.

"Bobby, what do you think you're doing?" I gape

"Better me than a civilian"

"I'm not killing you, Bobby" Sam says

"Look, Sam, I'm old, I'm coming near the end of my trail. But you can keep fighting. Saving folk. But you need your brother. Let me get him back to you. You boys are the closest thing I have to family. I want to do this"

Sam takes the knife from his hands and I hold my breath.

"Okay"

"Okay?" I ask Sam

"Good" Bobby says before turning around and bowing down to his knees.

"Do it, son"

Sam pulls a wooden stake out of his shirt "Yeah, okay Bobby. But you wanna know why?"

In a swift movement that I cannot even process, Sam grabs Bobby by the throat and stabs him through the back with the stake. I feel faint.

"Because you're not Bobby" Sam hisses and lets Bobby collapse face first onto the ground.

"Oh man, Sam! Oh man! What did you do?" I scream

"Bobby?" Sam calls out to Bobby's dead body "Bobby?"

"You just killed him, he can't hear you!" I shout at him and then Bobby vanishes right before my eyes. Sam was right. It wasn't Bobby and the Trickster appeared out of nowhere. Sam begs him to bring back Dean; it's an alarming change of attitude from the past couple of months from superhuman machine to this. The trickster doesn't seem phased by Sam's pleas and for a moment, I feel like we've lost. And then it's Wednesday again. Dean is ambushed by hugs and he makes a few lighthearted jokes before we're headed out again. I have lost both of my brothers and got both of them back. I know I can't lose either one of them again.