Our deepest fears and desires

Johanna entered the park. She was wearing a striped scarf with warm color tones, a red cap, and a black, long coat and a pair of boots. Josh was waiting there for her and he hugged her very tightly. They started walking hand in hand: "How are you feeling?" "I am ok, but my cold is still not completely gone. My doctor prescribed me some antibiotics I am taking. How are you?" "Meh, I am ok, I had some coffee and scrambled eggs." Johanna coughed, looked at him, and smiled. "What's wrong? Do I have lint on my clothes?" "No, it's just that you're handsome. He replied after carefully examining his clothes with his hands: "Aww, thanks. You're nice, but I am not handsome. Besides sometimes I feel I am very, very far away from Mr. handsome or from the guy I should be."

Johanna looked around and enjoyed the view of the lake and the many trees. They were in the Cismigiu Park. There were also many benches. The question lingered on Johanna's mind. On one hand, she did not want to ask him, but on the other hand, it just slipped out of her mouth: "Why don't you feel Mr. Handsome?" He sighed: "I don't fit in. When I get angry, I am very rude and heartless. Sometimes I feel like a monster. Also, I don't have the best looks. I should work out more. I sometimes eat too much when I'm sad, then I realize I ate too much and feel even more horrible, but then it's too late. Sometimes this happens during the night." Johanna shrugged her shoulders: "I just see a smart man, who doubts himself even though he is very smart." They silently walked hand in hand and he giggled proudly: "I saw you naked last night." Johanna replied: "Did you like what you see?" "Of course. What kind of question is that?" he laughed and looked into her eye, while they sat down on a bench. "You're so beautiful!" he dreamily gazed at her and leaned to make out with her."Pff," he mumbled and took out a tuft of hair. "When I try to kiss you, I mostly get to kiss your hair." "Sorry," she apologized and took her hair tuft from her mouth. "Now we can continue." she smiled and they continued making out. She gazed in the distance and saw some kids ice skating.

"What do you think happiness is?" Johanna asked him curiously. "I don't know. This is a tricky question. It's most likely the smallest of things: drinking a glass of hot cocoa, a song, a book, a sunset, a sunrise, an animal's affection, yet when it comes to the really big stuff it somehow blows because the happiness you get from the small stuff doesn't last a lot and the big stuff feels somehow unattainable." She sighed: "What if what we think happiness is, is just a projection of our mind when we reach a certain goal, but it somehow doesn't exist and the only real special occasion is being alive?" He sighed: "Yes, probably, but being alive comes with pain." "Pain is part of life and unavoidable. Only by experiencing the lows, can we somewhat also appreciate the highs." She snuggled up in his arms and he protectively kissed her on her forehead. "Did you get to play the game on the Nintendo with the dogs?" "Yeah, I played it for a while yesterday. It was fun."

"I feel so lucky to have you," he said and smiled at her, while she was in his arms" He covered her face with kisses. "Oh, look, there's a frog!" "Where?" "Right there," he stood up and she followed, hand in hand with him. "They went closer to the little lake in the park and she sighed and quietly said; "I still can't see it, Josh. Sorry!" "Oh, I hope I did not make you feel bad for not seeing it!" "It's ok, I am used to not seeing stuff!" she calmly replied. "Let's grab some hot cocoa!"

"You surely don't want some boiled wine?" She refused, as she was taking the antibiotics and could not interrupt the treatment. A few moments later, after his turn finally came at the kiosk he bought the boiled wine and the hot cocoa. 'Thank you," she squeaked when she received her hot cocoa.

He sipped a few times out of the boiled wine. She tickled his elbow, his hand, his belly, and everywhere she thought he would react. Soon enough he could not stop laughing after he initially muttered not entirely sure, what was going on: "What the…." He could not stop laughing and she was giggling and could not stop having fun seeing how ticklish he was. "Stop it! Stop it!" he shouted, yet she replied: "You're not very convincing!" She stopped for a few moments, then he tickled her under her armpits and in many places of the upper part of the body. "It's payback time! And payback time is very sweet!"

She stopped and stared for a moment at him: he used to be a kid when they met the first time. He looked the same, but bigger and somehow she saw the boy she fell in love with at kindergarten. Now he was bigger, stronger and the voice she remembered was deep and sexy. One of the things she found attractive in men was a man's voice. He passed this test with flying colors. But the question was: was he still the same boy she fell in love with? After all, so much time passed since they met the first time. How well could she get to know him in the two weeks he was supposed to spend in Romania. And worse, in a few days, he was supposed to return to Canada. How were they supposed to continue having something?

They say love is home. Unfortunately, for me, that "Home" was never stable. It was more a floating, abstract thing. Something I could never be one hundred percent sure to count on. Because sooner or later I had to learn to say goodbye to everything my heart even dared to dream of or somehow got attached to. But hope is the last one to die. And when you get attached to something, you hope things will work out in the end. Even though all the voices in your head teach you better. You just shut them off and ignore them in hopes of tasting a little bit of bliss.

"So, what's your type," Josh asked Johanna, as they were walking around: "Let's see," she answered smiling from one ear to another. "Tall, handsome, smart, funny, affectionate," she recounted as he replied "Short, funny, caring, beautiful, kind, patient", he continued his list. "I don't think I know her." Johanna shrugged her shoulders and laughed. "Oh, yeah, I think you do! Thanks for sticking around and believing in me even when I'm at my lowest!" "You're welcome," Johanna replied and scanned the surroundings. In a fashion shop for teens, they brought the new Christmas collection: there were T-shirts and sweaters with reindeers, Santa, and penguins. Most were red, green, and blue. They also brought pajamas with snowflakes, reindeers, red slippers with snow, and gingerbread men, which were for sale.

They sat down in the courtyard and Josh gazed at her dreamingly: "You're the best thing that happened to me! I am so lucky to be able to hold your hand right now!" Johanna blushed and moved from her chair into his arms: "Yeah, you probably are, but I am certain you forgot about me at a certain point, or did you still think about me after moving to Canada?" "Well, I stopped thinking about you, but it's a good thing that you contacted me again."

"You smell nice and sweet!" he said, and she replied: "Thanks!" "I like the fact that you always take care of yourself and put makeup on and dress so nicely! Some girls don't care at all!" Johanna took out her smartphone. "You asked me yesterday to take it with me so we could take some pictures we could treasure!"

Then a whole bunch of photos was taken: Josh, hugging her, Josh kissing her, Johanna's face held by Josh and he holding her cheek and pressing his lips against her cheek, a photo, where they sat next to each other smiling. "Now I can show to the whole world what a beautiful girlfriend I have!" he smiled. "Yeah, I'll probably just look at these pictures when you've gone back to Canada, and I am going to miss you!" she said with a sad smile, trying to refrain from crying. "Aww, don't be sad! We can still skype. That won't be the ending!" he caressed her cheek and kissed her passionately.

She coughed violently and took her cough syrup out. Then she looked for the lines depicted on the little cup she was supposed to drink from her syrup that measured the quantity. Annoyed and sad she exclaimed frustrated: "I can't see shit the lines on this stupid cup and I need to take my cough syrup!" "Hey, it's ok. Don't worry! Give it to me! I'll be your eyes!"

She handed the bottle to him and he carefully looked at the bottle, then poured the syrup into the cup and said "Bottoms up" while he brought it closer to her mouth and she drank the liquid. "Thanks!" she mumbled and took a handkerchief out of her bag to wipe her mouth.

He stroked her hair and replied: "No worries. You know I'd do anything for you! What kind of games do you like to play? You told me that this is your hobby. " "Um, uh… I love simulation games. How about you?" he scratched his head: "Silent hill, GTA, I used to play a subscription-based game, but my dad said it was a rip off so we canceled the subscription. What kind of simulation games do you play?" "Sims," she answered his question and he teased her: "So, who's your husband there?" "You are," she said laughing. "Really? Aww, you could have paired yourself up with any male sim in the game, but you chose me!"

They spent the afternoon at the movies. Josh bought popcorn and cola and they chose a movie about different people with different situations on New Year's Eve. "Aww, they're having a long distance relationship. Look, that's us." Johanna laughed and held his hand. When people kissed in the movie, he kissed her too. She may have missed some parts of the movies they were watching, but it was ok because she enjoyed his kisses and closeness. Most of the kisses they shared tasted like passion and salted popcorn and warmth and desire.

"Hey, the movie finished and I drank like a crazy person this cola, which was a lot and now I have to pee. Can you wait for me here outside the toilets please?" he asked her and she agreed to it. While he was in the bathroom, she checked her makeup in a pocket mirror with flowers she got from Italy on a trip months ago. Then she took a mint out of her bag and sucked on it. Then her breath was fresh again. When he came back from the toilet he opened his arms, smiled, and asked: "Hug…?" "Hug," she jumped enthusiastically into his arms and soaked into the warmth of his body, and enjoyed the safety of his big teddy bear body. Then they made out and he told her: "You're so fluffy and touchy-feely like a cat!" he exclaimed.

There are moments and moments. There are persons and persons. Persons you love to talk to and spend time with occasionally and persons, who despite their imperfections can help you see the world a little bit more beautiful than it is, even when your vision is not even half of what it is supposed to be. And there also are people, who manage to bring out the most beautiful parts of you, and people who manage to bring out your worst demons. Sometimes the line between these people gets blurred…No matter who you fall in love with there are going to be moments that will test you and are going to make or break you.

Walking in the park hand in hand with your loved one can be a blessing and is pure health. Do you know what else is healthy? Deep conversations and exchanging opinions. There were many trees in the park and many carefully placed walking paths and bicycle roads. Johanna loved this park for its beautiful and vast green part and for this reason she loved walking in it, especially in the hot summers when the trees would provide the much-needed shadow to cool off. Another plus point of this park was the fact that it had many kiosks, where one could buy refreshing drinks and snacks.

"See that lake over there? In the summer we have ducks and swans and other birds. During winter they are brought to a shelter, where they are kept safe during the winter. We also have peacocks in that park. They're beautifully colored. I also love the way male peacocks court females." Josh smiled and asked her if she'd enjoy having a mini-picnic on the bench facing the lake.

She accepted and minutes later, Josh took out a bag of salty chips, a pack of biscuits, and two bottles of carbonated water. 'Mm, salty chips. I love them." "We'll share the bag," he replied and she joyfully dipped her hand into the bag. "How do you feel about education?" Johanna asked him with her mouth full. "If I remember correctly I may have already answered this question, but we can go into details if you want to. I think it's important. A college degree is also very important. When you get hired it is important to have a degree so the person who hires you, knows you're qualified for it. What do you think about it?" "Education is important, but I feel most school systems still don't teach people things that are important in life. I mean, it's important to go to school and have a college degree after, but that still does not prepare you for life. Yeah, there are subjects that need to be covered in school, but that's still not everything you need to be prepared in life. How about finances, parenting, cooking, relationship values, mindfulness, survival skills, mental health, sustainable living, sociology and anthropology, nutrition? Sometimes all I feel the school does is prepare people for the corporate ladder, to be obedient workers, who don't question the system and the world they live in." Josh took another chip in his mouth, then replied: "That may be true, but some school subjects can't be skipped. A friend of mine said she does not go to college as education is just a piece of paper!" "I am in favor of doing your education and going to college, however, that's not everything. You need discipline, patience, mastery of emotions, and a constant willingness to learn and adapt to the evolving job requirements and times. I think flexibility is the word."

Josh unwrapped the biscuits and pointed the bag in Johanna's direction: "Do you want some?' "Yeah, thanks. How do you feel about rich people?" "I don't like them. There are way too many rich people, while others live in extreme poverty, which is not exactly fair and how this world should be constructed. You?" "There are good and there are evil rich people and there's everything in between. I try to learn what the good things are that they do and use them as a blueprint to manifest what I want."

"And what would your life look if you had the power to manifest what you wanted?" he asked her. "Good financial situation, health, good vision, becoming a well-known writer, who inspires and entertains people, traveling, having a boyfriend…" He looked at her weirdly and she quickly added: "I am with you now, but I just briefly described how I'd see my ideal future. Also, I'd love to become a writer, but at the moment it is a little bit harder to envision that since my sight is not that great. Or maybe I'll become a translator, for a while until I turn into reality my writing dreams. How about you?"

"Having a good financial situation, a house, working as an engineer after I finish college, having a loved one, maybe kids… You're studying translations now and I am sure you'll finish college with flying colors!" "Yeah, I could maybe see myself doing translations in the future for a while…"

He sipped out of the bottle and asked her: "How about Canada? Do you see yourself moving there later?" Johanna also sipped a few gulps of water from the bottle and replied: "Yeah, maybe. I'm open to change. Who knows though where we'll be in a few years?" "Yeah, who knows. I am kind of scared about the move to Canada. My uncle helped a loved woman move there, but then they broke up. I am afraid not to end up in the same position."

"Guess you think you know people, but you don't. I don't know if there's such thing as a guarantee that a boyfriend or girlfriend will never dump you. There's no guarantee for "happily ever after". All you can do is take one day at a time and if things eventually don't work out and epically crash and burn at least you know you've tried your best and won't have any regrets."

He hugged her and she snuggled in his arms and looked at two ducks, which were flirting and bantering. "Look, that's us!" Johanna laughed. "What did your colleague say when they saw me in the photos you just posted on Facebook?" He smiled and caressed her face, moving his finger over every feature of it as if he wanted to later paint it and needed to remember every single detail. "They said I have a very beautiful girlfriend. Initially, they thought I have an ugly, fat girlfriend due to an old picture of you I showed them that wasn't that great. Now they say you're gorgeous. "Aww, thanks I guess. I mean I'm happy that they seem to like me." He kissed her forehead happily and pressed her against his chest, where she happily rested.

Steve Jobs taught us a valuable lesson: Sometimes when you look ahead the dots won't connect. However later when you connect the dots, the image becomes very clear and everything connects in a way you previously could not see it. Sometimes not even your inner voice can predict what the future will be like and even though you think you see the picture very clear, the closer you look the less you see.