Keeping close and bearing with the distance

Since exams were close, Johanna had lots of learning to do. With a pile of books, a notebook, snacks, and water next to her she started the quest for learning. A notification appeared: josh posted something. For s brief moment she interrupted her learning. A status appeared on her screen: "Josh: Being in a long-distance relationship sucks. It's almost as being in no relationship at all."

She tried to stay focused as exams were knocking on her door soon. After 3 or 4 hours of learning, she discovered another post by Josh on Facebook: "I hate my life, I want to die."

And half an hour later another one: "Unhappy about the long-distance relationship."

She decided to hit him up on messenger that evening, as soon as she had some spare time:

Johanna: "Hey, how are you?"

Josh: "Not that great."

Johanna: "WHY? What's wrong?"

Josh: "I hate my life L I just want to die."

Johanna: "Why?"

Josh: "University is really hard and I can't keep up with my colleagues. There's a big probability I will fail some important exams. There's an even bigger probability I might not even finish university. How am I supposed to finish it? Everyone seems smarter than me and gets everything faster than me. On top of that, I am in a long-distance relationship… I can't hug you, I can't spend time with you, there's no physical closeness, we can't kiss, we can't have sex, we can't go out…. L"

Johanna: "Ok, calm down. I know it's easier said than done but look at you. You've overcome already so many obstacles. And you will overcome these hurdles too. And yeah, I know it sucks that other people have it easier than you, but the fact that you stuck to your guns and kept studying Electrical Engineering proves how strong you are. You do know you have the option to quit and study something a little bit easier to learn if you feel at a certain point it's too hard for you."

Josh: "Yeah, I do. But I won't earn that much money if I quit."

Johanna: "Then focus on your why. You'll get through this."

Josh: "I kind of feel better now, that I talked to you J"

Johanna: "I am also sorry that you don't feel happy with the long-distance relationship. I don't necessarily feel happy either. But at the moment I don't feel we have any better solution."

Josh: "I just wish it was easier. Did not think it was going to be that hard. L"

Johanna: "In regards to the university, I know how hard it can be. Schooling and university have not been easier on me either due to my vision problems. Always felt other pupils or students could follow the teacher better along because they saw better on the blackboard than me. Then the question arises: why me? I still don't have the answer. And it doesn't feel fair at all."

Josh: "I'm sorry L that sucks."

Johanna: "Yeah, it does. However, I don't quit and I just follow my goals like any other normal human being, and most of the time I reach them. Sometimes though I wish a fairy would come to me and say: "I know you've had a hard life. Here's a break." "

Josh: "Introduce me to her :P"

Johanna: "I would if I could."

Is there a way to love someone who has an illness? Is there a way to be there for them, without being too pushy, yet too detached? Is there a way to love yourself, when you're so used to your flaws that you can't see your good sides anymore? Is there a correct way to suffer when you have an illness without being selfish and still having empathy for the people in your life?

We all deserve love: self-love, love from other people, our pets. Sometimes our health and other types of issues make us forget that we are worthy of people's love too. In our mind as soon as we are perfect, then we'll be worthy of love. Truth is though, humans are imperfect. We do have good sides and bad sides. However nobody's perfect. You can wait a lifetime to become that perfect version of yourself or you can miss out on life completely forgetting to cease the moment. The magic is inside you.

*****

The winter passed by slowly. It was one of the coldest and most snow-filled Johanna had ever experienced. "Johanna, there's a special delivery for you." her mother called her. "Oh, my god!" Johanna's mouth fell open, as she grabbed a bouquet of flowers. "They're beautiful!" she looked lovingly at the pink roses, she just got. They were wrapped in green paper and smelled amazing. A little note stated: "Happy Valentine's, dear Johanna! Love you so much! Josh"

"These flowers are beautiful. I see you receive quite some attention!" her mother smiled and remarked, as Johanna was looking for a vase in which the flowers would fit. "Yeah, I do!" she grinned and placed the flowers in a blue vase. The phone rang: "Johanna, it's Josh. He wants to talk to you!" her father called her. "I'm coming," Johanna hurried and grabbed the phone from his hand. "Happy Valentine's, sweetheart! I love you!" he softly told her on the phone. "I love you too, sweetheart!" Johanna answered and then informed him on a nervous tone: "The roses you sent me are so beautiful! They're my favorite!" "I'm glad you love them."

Later Johanna ordered a gingerbread latte and took a selfie with the flowers and the latte and uploaded it on Facebook after doing her makeup and styling her hair and dressing up in her favorite shirt with flowers. Minutes later, after uploading the photo Josh commented: "What a lovely smile! This is a sexy ad for Starbucks and will bring those lots of customers." Johanna replied: "Haha, thanks, blowing a kiss emoticon"

"You have some nice flowers. Whom are they from, May I ask?" her little sister grinned and asked. "Someone special, I think you know who I mean!" Johanna smiled widely and could not stop. "Aww, someone's in love!" her little sister teased her. "A little bit," Johanna admitted and her cheeks turned red.

******

The loud beeping sound of a call coming in Skype made Johanna's heart race a little bit faster. However when she clicked on the button answering the video call, Josh asked: "Hey, Johanna, can you hear me, hello…?" The image and sound froze for a moment: "Yes... I can hear you. Can you hear me?" "I hear you interrupted. Let's try again to do a call!" Josh closed the video call and called her again.

"Hey, sweetheart." "Hey, honey," she answered smiling. "Finally, it worked. "How are you?" "I am okay. Just a little bit stressed due to all my exams. How are you?" she asked him. "Same," he answered and yawned. "Did you get any sleep?' "Yeah, but apparently not enough." He took his water bottle and drank. "I need to keep myself hydrated." Johanna laughed. "Do you always drink enough water?" "Yeah, trying to keep my body working properly. How about you?" "I definitely should drink more water. I drink, but not enough." She confessed ashamedly. "Wait a minute," she told him and ran off and returned with a huge bottle of water. "I should use this occasion to learn something from you and take care of my health. From now on I'll keep a bottle next to me and try to drink every time you drink. To our health!" she raised the bottle in front of the webcam. "You imitate me," he teased her and grinned. "Of course I do!" she snapped. "Dirty minds think alike!" He smiled. "Oh, I meant smart minds." "It's ok," he giggled.

"When do you have your first exam?" "Next week. But I think it's going to be a breeze. I'm more afraid of the third exam in about two weeks. It's very hard and there are chances I might fail it, which might affect my overall score pretty badly. How about you?" "I'm afraid just of one subject I did not understand very well. But don't worry we'll get through it!"

"I missed you on Valentine's day! I wish you were here!" Josh told her. "Yeah, I wished I was there too…"Johanna added and sighed. "All those couples hugging and kissing and being together…. It's so annoying!" "Know what you're saying!" Johanna replied.

"However I have some good news!" Josh informed her. "What good news?" Johanna raised her eyebrow curiously. "I am going to visit you this summer! I am going to be able to hug you again. And kiss you and hold you again. Soon!" he happily chirped. "Oh, my god! That's great!" "Yeah, my dad made this suggestion and I happily accepted. I wasn't sure I was going to visit you this summer!"

"This summer's going to be amazing," Johanna replied and gazed dreamily to the screen. "It sure will be." Josh approved.

Johanna looked at her notebook with hamsters. It was pink and there were some red hearts on it too. It was locked with a golden locker. Behind the golden locker pages and pages of ideas, stories, characters, and feelings were hidden from the curious and dangerous world outside and locked from indiscrete views. She always dreamt of becoming a writer and helping people unleash their potential, live better, happier lives. However, there was always a voice, either from a well-intended stranger or maybe from someone in her family: "Writing is not a practical job. It's not going to cover bills and pay for food and a roof over your head!" Or maybe even her father suggested her to become an engineer even though that was the last thing she would have enjoyed doing. Society's noises are loud and even more confusing when you are living in fog and clarity is in the shadows.

Did you ever have a dream, but your circumstances made you feel that this was not the right moment to pursue it? If yes, you know the way it goes: you're not good enough, you want to wait for the moment to be perfect, you want your health to get better, and maybe then you'll be ready. You want to have more money when you'll finally decide to do it. It's going to be something big. You want to have faith. But where does faith come from? Do you see it? Nope. You rather feel it. And you act on it.

Finding love is nice. But if love would not even exist at all, who would you be? What would your identity be? What dreams would you pursue? What hobbies would you do? What places would you travel to? We are all ephemeral. We are all going to die whether we like it or not, and as sad as it is, we can't change it. However, our attitude is what counts. We can see death as a blessing and a motivator to give our best shot and try to live our best lives possible. The saddest thing isn't dying. It's an unlived life due to fears.

And yes, things will be hard and you might try and fail. Miserably even. However, it's smarter to try and fail, than not try anything at all. Some people ask themselves what the point of life is. Is it money? Is it love? Is thriving and soaring? Is it happiness? It's probably living. While succeeding at something might be a relief and stroke to the ego, it is important to remember that all experiences, good and bad created the person you are looking at in the mirror. Even losses made you stronger and wiser and taught you a lot about yourself. Strength is not the absence of fear. It is the audacity to look fear in the eye and do whatever you are supposed to do here on earth regardless of your insecurities. Everyone should do a bucket list from time to time and try to follow it. Taking care of your soul and dreams is mandatory for your health and wellbeing.