Bitterness, Tears and Unfiltered Sentiments

"I forgot that the great Mr. Luther Flinn was never true to his words,"

Stepping into the room, my voice halted the people inside.

Rene and Darius removed their eyes from the blonde to turn to an uninvited guest.

Deither remained on his far seat, seemingly one with the shadow as usual.

While my eyes remained on Luther's back who seemed to not be shaken by my arrival.

"You may leave the room for you are not needed in here," Rene stated, with a familiar bright sword on his hold.

My eyes flew to a little gun Darius is holding, which is currently placed to the woman's chest, just in the right place to fire her heart. Her stomach and shoulder are already gauzed up and unlike earlier she isn't as pale as a corpse, but still…death was remained offered to her.

How many times should they offer her it? How pitiful and awful is that?

I walked languidly until the area of more light made my skin glow.

"The moment we voted, I realized she is my business to take."

It was already dim outside and I believe it was already past 7 when I got here after the hospital.

"Mr. Flinn has not called for the reaper." Rene repeated the idea, now getting more serious to shoo me away, but because I am irrevocable, I effortlessly ignored it.

"Why not?"

"You shouldn-"

Luther's straightforward judgment cuts Rene's explanation for me. "Something is making me think you are favoring the traitor."

I smiled.

"I am not surprised, you always think the worst of me, Sir." I mocked him the last word but he remained unbothered at it.

His eyes drifted to the helpless body on the ground, scanning her whole before he get those sinister eyes back at me to stare. It would be minutes of walk for me to fully get on their position but I can clearly see him and his in-depth thoughts under the shaded moonlight.

"Where do you think your mindset and attitude will get you to?" he questioned as he roams his eyes on his remarkable establishment.

Are we flaunting what we have here?

"Haven't thought of that for the past years. But I am certainly sure any path except yours,"

That statement of mine made him fully focus on me. And with certainty in his voice, he said, "Don't you want a successful, powerful, and soaring life?"

"I do not want your immoral, worthless, and disappointing life."

"Every day you won't worry how you will live-"

"I would certainly be guilty everyday, knowing I decided to toss someone away just to stand high above others. And that is not what living looks like for me,"

He stared longer at me that I have to reset my mind thinking he was offering me a life with him.

He tore his eyes on me afterwards, just to throw a statement that would highlight both of our nights.

"You are so unlike your mother,"

Insensitive of how that specific word would crucially dig a part of my heart, that is what he stated.

It's been so long since he mentioned her.

My palm automatically closed as well as my steps halted. I unnoticeably blink once, feeling something warm rushing inside me. And this time it is not my demons.

It is something churning… and burning.

And it is roaring ballistically in my head.

"You are blinded by your rage. You always resort to insolence. You own darkness like you have never seen light. You are one hopeless cas-"

"What did you say?" I probed, ignoring the latter statement. Ignoring all the words he described me but not that particular word.

I insisted again when he just stared at me.

"Tell me what did you just say,"

"You still got the mood to remember her? I thought you've fully forgotten her when you laughed the loudest laugh you could ever laugh in your whole damned life?!"

My eyes failed to stay staring at the orbs identical to mine as I recall him, me, and my mom on that specific night.

Where mom and I are hopeless, and he is a mad man.

I creased my forehead as I force a gulp on the lump building up on my throat because I had a lot of baggage to suddenly talk about. And I do not care if they'll be seeing and will be taking advantage of my truth. I really want to speak of it— all out.

And tonight, I do not care who will hear of it, as long as Mr. Flinn will.

For this is all for him.

"You abandoned us that night. You leave us, hanging…" I narrated. "You laughed when she was disgraced by that awful woman. You even laughed. Whoa! What is there to laugh at?"

I laughed even when there is nothing to laugh about.

My eyes twinkled like the few stars above, but it is definitely not out of happiness.

"My mom who is helpless on the floor? Weird. I couldn't see anything funny on that? Tell me what's funny on that." I urged him again but he remained muted at my sentiments or if he is even listening to any of them I do not know anymore! All I am aware of is that I wanted to scream the frustrations I've been hiding for the past years!

"Tell me what's funny about a dying person! Tell me what's funny upon seeing your wife!...struggling to death!"

I let a mocking smile highlight my feelings on the bitter tale. "Tell me…should I also laugh when my mom is being stripped away from me?"

An image of my mom on my lap and in between my arms, bleeding, flashed on my head. The situation where she smiled sincerely in that hole, pierced me so fucking bad like it was just a second ago that it happened.

I widened my eyes and wrinkled my nose to stop my tears from falling because I am not done yet.

Fucking not done yet.

These are long inside me and it was rebelling to come out of my heavy chest, to be heard by the exact person who filled them in.

"And now you are comparing me to her. Hah! Of course, I am definitely far from her!" I immediately wiped a tear that has escaped my eyes and wiped again when another fell. And then wipe continuously. "Her parents cared for her. I was left...without a father to lean on! Her parents stoods up for her. My father steps on me…injects pain on me. Invalidates my existence like I was never been born! Probably questioning "why was I even born?" in his head. "

"Her parents are always there for her..."

I sounded so lonely so I gripped on the necklace on my neck, the exact one I found on my mother's gun.

To find her warmth even just this time again.

I noticed how my father's eye widened when I let it out of my dress. He got stuck looking at it and I don't want to believe that it instantly made him stop breathing, literally. He craned his neck to look at his side, and again I am not sure if I saw his eyes glitter because mine is already getting blurry and misty.

Perhaps, it was mine because why would he cry?

Why would he cry when all this time I couldn't even touch a fragment of his heart?

"How a-about me? What about me?"

I tried hard to not kneel on the ground when I ask that.

I am tired... all these years. But he couldn't even be a 'quick rest' I needed in my fight. He cannot even offer a hand.

"I..." I closed my eyes, pitying myself. "I only need to depend on myself because you... you are not there. You are not there when I need you. You are not there in my darkest times. You are not there!…not there!... when I am battling my constant nightmares. When they are completely ruining me mentally, emotionally, and physically! You are not there when you s-should…should have been there f-for me. I was traumatized."

Mom, why is he harsh on me? You told me I am the world for him...

He promised me I'll be his only angel. I remembered that. How can I un-remember it?

"You are just there when you want to eye me, pick on my mistakes, mention how troublesome I am. See how flawed and undeserving I am of anything or anyone! To the point where I cannot even afford to open up to anyone anymore!"

Vien's crying face and Rex's disappointed face materialized on my mind.

"I can't even make friends like a normal person because I am scared they would leave me like you do..."

I am breaking down and he can't even...

"Because you! Are also present in my life at the start and I thought you won't leave...but surprise! You just did. You left me more than you stayed with me! And if my father could leave me like that, then there will be a huge possibility they would!"

I shaked my head, trying to defy the hoarseness of my voice and all the pain digging on my chest but it seems like I can't.

They are so valid that I can't invalidate them no more.

"I do want to astray away, so why do you have to be the one to do it? I couldn't understand... you promised you'll stay by my side,"

I can even feel the saltness on my tongue as I let my tears flow freely on my cheek, not wanting to wipe and hide them anymore. The difficulty of breathing is suffocating me and I can't help but choke in my own cries.

"And now you cannot understand why I am so unlike mom? What did you do to me?!"

"You can't blame others on how and what you've become. That's mainly a result of your words and actions,"

I lightly nodded at his refusal to accept defeat still. When will he ever back down right? I allowed silence to cover the next minutes of my rotten soul. And it worsened the false determination I kept counting on in times like this.

Me versus him.

I glanced sideways, then back at him again.

Wanting him to hear more of my impulses and getting bolder, I was able to step again, faster than earlier. "Maybe yes?"

"But I have the right to blame you for everything I lost. Been deprived of. And still being deprived of."

"All of those are the results of your actions and words too."

I am unstoppable so I stopped near his ear to continue.

"If mom was here, not you, I would probably have a much better life."

I brashly licked my lips as I ready myself to throw a statement I know my past dad won't love hearing.

"Tell me why the heavens need to get her from me... and not you."

Rene's warning eyes caught me in between my words.

"And I don't feel sorry to say that."