Abyss

I walked into the room, desks aligned in neat rows and building into columns of soul crushing wood, it felt like the energy was being sucked out of me just by being near them. As I sat down and closed my eyes. The entire morning seemed to disappear until suddenly it was the break, I stood up for the first time in what must have been three years moving through the rows of desks and skulking past the groups of people, their gaze burning into my skull, every single person like a knife stabbing into me, but i kept moving forward following her, the long hair flowing behind her as she walked down stairs and I followed. As I was about to step downwards I felt a kick hit my leg,

"Eeeew he almost touched me,"

I fell forward, my eyes widening as I flipped over.

What? What happened, my head is facing the floor, but I'm not stopping, what the hell is happening.

Am I really going to fall down the stairs just because someone pushed me, because they think I'm creepy? What is this feeling, its not rage its not sadness, it's not even annoyance its just acceptance, the acceptance that nothing matters anymore, no matter what i try i always fail, i was strong enough, just this once to stand up and i ended up getting kicked on my face again, its my fate, every time I get up i'll be tripped again and i'll be put in this position, there is nothing left of me so why do i keep pretending like i'm something to be saved, salvaged, why do i have this hope, hope that something will change, that i'll be happy again, why do i keep fighting it? Is it because of her? Because she keeps showing up? Will she show up now?

"Uh huh..."

Time seemed to freeze. My body froze in mid air as I could only stare at her, for a split second she was there in front of me, extending her thin arm and spreading her delicate fingers. She pressed her hand on my eyes, closing them gently.

"You have to live, Lee, you have to. Because you were the only good part of me, the only part I regretted leaving behind, because lee, I love you, and I always will… no matter what you become."

In the black I saw it all. The instructions set out like a map, printed in a bright blue. Glowing for only me. I kicked out with my left leg and backwards with my right, hitting the stair with my heel and pulling my body upright, then I pulled my left leg back and kicked forward my body landing in the middle of the hallway. Dropping to the floor I slammed my fist into the carpeted floor, i remember that memory, those words, she said them a week before she died, she told me, she told me to live,

Why Ella, why are you so cruel?

By the time I was back to my senses Kate was gone,I failed, so spectacularly.

"Lee, you took quite the tumble, but would you mind if we spoke for a second?"

Standing above me with a smile was my faaaavourite teacher, the guy who saved me, mister Cole.

I picked myself off and walked back into his office,

"What?"

"As you know we did some tests and you got a perfect score,"

"Ok"

"That's all you have to say? You could get into the most prestigious college with these scores."

"Ok"

"It made me curious why you never got a scholarship so I asked around, in middle school you and another student had perfect scores in every test you were both offered huge scholarships and then one day it just goes to another student."

"Your point?"

"I want to know what happened."

"No you don't and anyway that happened in middle school and a long long time ago."

"It still doesn't explain why when I put you up for a bidenglish scholarship it was rejected instantly."

"It doesn't matter anymore, but if that's everything I have lessons,"

I walked out of the room, leaving him puzzled and alone, then returning to the classroom I sat down in my corner and drifted asleep. Teachers had learnt by now to leave me alone which is good, it means I can catch up on sleep in lessons.

At lunch I walked up to Kate again, my body burning and my heart throbbing, a splitting headache rippling through my skull, like the bone was cracking and shattering to leave me exposed to everything and… everyone.

"Hey, kate… can we talk?"

We walked together, onto the roof, opening the door to the warm noon light, the orange sun burning down onto my body.

"What is it Lee?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For everything… i was an asshole and a jerk, but you stayed, you all stayed, and you helped me through everything, i was an idiot because i left you all even though you were so kind to me, you were so nice and warm but i thought i didn't deserve that, i was scared and I hated myself. I thought you would leave me like… but in the end i left, even after what happened between us, even after all the time we had i still left, so i'm sorry… I truly am."

"I don't care about that, Jesus Lee, that was three years ago. You broke my heart twice in my life, i don't want to spend any more time thinking about you but, why lee? Why her, what does she have that I didn't. Why did you leave me but not her? Why do you have the same look in your eyes as when you spent time with Ella?"

"What do you mean?"

"Shut up Lee, you know it, you were never in love with me… not truly you just used me to fill the hole she left behind, but I wasn't enough… Even though I've loved you for all the time I've known you, you never looked at me with those eyes."

"I..."

"Don't worry, I lost it a little, seeing you with someone new, but now i'm fine, i don't care, but know this you'll never fill that abyss inside you, you'll never close the wound she tore open, not with Psye or with any other girl or friend or game or job, you and ella truly were the same but she saw the solution, you can't escape it, Lee you can't fill that hole inside you because she was the only thing you actually cared about, you're right you're an asshole but not to me or anyone else, to yourself. You told me once that you used to see her, every time you'd walk up to that bridge you'd see her and it's why you can never be hole, or why you'll never die, she will protect you because in the end you want to suffer I saw it when we were dating and I see it all the time, sooner or later Psye will figure it out and she'll leave you too or you'll leave her because there truly is no way you can be happy, because you can never have her. I hope you have a good life but we both know you won't let that happen, so do yourself a favour and apply for a scholarship, or just plain run away, do anything you can to escape this town because as long as your in it you'll join Ella at the bottom of that lake," she left after that the door closing behind her, my eyes streaming with tears,

She's right! I'm pathetic, I'm useless hahahaha in the end there's nothing i can do! There's nothing for me without her.

What am I?

What is left of me?

I stepped backwards slumping my back against a railing and staring at the clouds, then lifting the white cylinder to my mouth. I sparked a small flame, the plume of light smoke climbing into the sky, and then... gone.

After a few minutes the door opened again and an all too familiar figure walked through, her long brown hair flowing downwards, the wide beautiful eyes sparkling in the light of the day.

"You know you're not supposed to smoke, it's bad for the lungs."

"I'm a shut in aren't i? Do I really need lungs?"

"You shouldn't slouch either, you'll get back pains?

"Do I really need a back?"

"You shouldn't be mean to people who are nice to you, you'll lose your friends."

"Do I re…"

"YES!! Anyway I won't let you push me away, you're my favourite guild master."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, why else would I let you stay at my place?"

"Hmm, my irresistible charm?" I let out a cough as I laughed my throat raw from the smoke.

"Well that too."

She sat down next to me holding out her hand for the cigarette. I handed it to her but she threw it off the roof, the bright red ember tumbling into the ground.

"Now whose mean?"

"Still you, why are you up here?"

"I apologised to kate."

"Why?"

"I'm a jerk"

"Sure sure,"

"Ouch"

"So what did she say?"

"That she didn't care but I'd never be happy because I have an abyss inside me, something that can never be filled so I'll never be truly happy."

"Oof,"

"Yeah, hence the smoking"

"You believe her?"

"Yup,"

She pushed off her hand wrapping her far hand over my chest and pressed her body onto mine, then she tenderly placed her lips on mine, kissing them with a soft pressure. Then lifting her body off mine and sitting back down in silence she spoke,

"How about now?"

"Yup."

"Cold and that was my best kiss."

"Hah, told ya im a jerk."

"I dont think so, i just think people don't know you, but then again neither do i..."

"Then I'll tell you everything. If you want."

"Yeah, I'd love that."

"Then let's start at the beginning, like any good story:

Once upon a time there lived a girl and a boy..."