Sorry

I can't stop feeling bad at every minute I take as if I'm being suffocated I don't know if I can escape no there is no escape as the only way is to recover by killing what has been holding you back as life doesn't give what you want but what it can why don't we see the bigger picture if it's right in front of us but instead we view it how we want it to be just a mindless good for nothing that can't do anything except eating shiting and sleeping other then that it's worth nothing so why don't we get rid of it because it will eventually kill itself and when I mean kill itself I mean I'll kill myself I can't stand the suffering but I can't see myself dead but neither a future all that comes out is a variety of things that can happen and can't it's just a matter of time to find out what is going on but there will always be no empty spaces as no one ever fills them up as we fear the things we don't truly know and only hope we can avoid it but I just honestly hope I'll die soon or can die when I want to I don't want to have to find a way to understand why we continue neither why we stop but I just hope I'll do what I want and see what I can yet I don't want to I want to regret what I can if I do so I do see something yet nothing since we can't see everything but we don't see nothing as there is always something though I have no right in say since I'm just a kid whose already waiting and even better getting closer to my death either long or short but I somewhat see that it's most likely middle as that's all I have been in my life I hope I at least my bitch ass mom feel awful and fucking terrible for what's she's done and made me become cause she could've have a normal fucking ass child instead a son of a bitch whose a good for nothing lazy bastard but who the fuck gives a shot of just hope I don't have to stay in this hell hole anymore since there's nothing good with staying up this ass of a life since it's so wasted out already but ehh why do I gotta care life's always been this way no point in changing although it would be nice to be in a land of candy like a paradise waiting to be eaten but what about after that do I continue this routine of being fucking miserable having to endure being molested raped abused mentally and physically I can't keep going on even if therapy's an option since I'd probably say something that could cause me on medication or they'll tell my parents which I don't need but I did some what stop cutting for a while and oh I'm so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry a lot of things were going on I wasn't allowed to have my phone and I couldn't log into my account with my iPad and when I finally got it back I had to reinstall the app and sign back in but then have to prepare and somehow transfer a bunch of my chapters by typing all of it over again and it's such a pain I'll post it on Tuesday the latest Thursday but maybe Monday if I have the time to not just want to stay in bed or even try to run away again but they put this location thing on my phone so they know my location if the phone isn't dead or powered off hehe