Re: Judgement

I stop writing.

Looking back at what I have just typed onto the screen of my laptop, I feel like I have greatly improved when comparing my current capabilities with with how I started. In fact, I have trouble recalling when I have ever written as much as I have to begin with.

Though, knowing perfectly well that my meticulous analysis of people will not get me anywhere in the world of writing, I have, for a while now, attempted to simplify my writing as a solution to the issue. Nevertheless, something feels off.

If I were to objectively criticize my own work before me, despite it hurting my ego, what I can immediately say is that it feels... empty.

So empty, that I do not feel conflicted in calling it as such considering that the last woman I murdered, Barbara as well as Elle have managed to elicit more feelings from me than my own words that I have written.

I stand up from the chair and walk away from my desk as I approach my dearest window, and gaze outside yet again, only to see how dark it has become out there.

Perhaps, if my heart and soul were to have a color, than this shade of darkness might just be it.

As I observe the decreased number of passerby's on the street below me, I manage to calm the storm that was about to wreak havoc inside my mind. With it being evening, and in consideration to how long it has taken me to write that story, the fact remains that I have, nevertheless, improved. I have written more and have gotten more creative. The issue laid in expressing myself...

"Ugh, the bane of all those who do not socialize." - I mumble as I cannot help but land my hand on my face, groaning.

One way, or another, moping will not get me anywhere, and as such, I must make a plan.

Having established the lack of emotion and feelings as well as inadequate detail in my writing; what I need is to establish a manner in which I could gain those skills. The most natural solution, is to spend time with the person on whom my character is and story are based on.

This action, as well the chain of subsequent actions after it, will allow me to get closer to the individual in question, knowing more about them, and possibly grant me better glimpses into the chaotic world of emotions.

Since, I suppose it would be hard to expect an individual to talk about or describe emotions when I have only ever hesitated to pull the trigger, once.

Perhaps re-writing the same story as time passes, keeping the original drafts as I go along, would do wonders for my skill.

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It was late in the evening, and I have spent the better half of the last hour or so sitting atop my bed, the TV in the background, and some wine in my hand. Amidst the noise radiating from the cold, black box of nonsense about this year's top ten upcoming rookie hunters, I was frankly, yet again, at a crossroads.

I was seriously questioning my desires of fulfilling the woman's last wish. What came of this contemplation? Despite my relatively objective nature, not much. What I have identified about my issues, however, is the lack of action in my current life.

By action, I do not necessarily mean taking the lives of people, but at the very least, being capable of using everything I learn freely; since, as far as I am concerned, nobody around me is actually aware of my real identity.

The fact that I allowed a television program to make me jealous and depressed at the lack of action in my life is something I never thought I would stoop down to. Nevertheless, I believes this just goes on to show that, perhaps, living such a linear life of just a writer would not do me well in the long-term.

My skills will begin to deteriorate.

Something that no professional with any degree of pride for their capabilities, ever desires to witness.

Naturally, following this train of thought, there is really only course of action I could take.

Tsk tsk, becoming the very thing I wished to avoid in this place, a hunter. While I do have great respect for hunters, their actions sometimes beg me to question the amount of inflating ego's they all seem to possess. While I suppose it's only natural that armies have been long replaced with them, as well as with recruits from other races and awakened; and the acknowledgement of world leaders around the world of their importance does much to grow that sense of pride...

It's rather pathetic.

The individuals I happen to respect are those who have great power as well as control over their abilities, those are the sorts of people who are allowed to boast, be filled with pride, and inflate their ego all they want; since their deeds can and will speak for themselves. In the case of lower ranked hunters and onwards, while I do not mean to belittle them, who the fuck do they think they are?

One might say I am getting too carried away with this issue, but I assure you, that's not really the case. It is a matter of personal pride. You do not simply pick terrorize those weaker than you for extended periods of time simply because you can.

If you plan to do so, at the very least, you can end their lives swiftly, as I have throughout my career. Otherwise, you should always attempt to target those who are as strong as you in order to achieve a power balance.

Manipulating people in my opinion, is neither good nor bad; as sometimes doing so can achieve positive effects for the person being manipulated. However, in the case of coercion, has anyone ever heard of someone feeling better after being coerced?

Sure, there is the Stockholm Syndrome in the case of kidnapping, however, that doesn't apply as much as one would think since the focus of the modern society has changed from achieving 'control' to achieving 'strength'.

In other words, the basis of achieving your desires is through showcasing strength, rather than the amount of control you have over a person, hence making the Stockholm Syndrome a rather rare occurrence in present day.

I would suppose that with my new identity, as well as permanent new look, both should prove to be more than enough to become a rookie hunter myself. Doing so will open several prospects. Firstly, I can continue to practice my magic and skills. Secondly, it will allow me to lead by example, even if I stay in the lower ranks. Lastly, there will be a completely different world, in which normal people don't play any role, in contrast to the ones I observe now. Writing about Elle made me wish to see how, at the very least, lower ranked hunters utilize their skills, as well as how they live their life in comparison to normal people.

While my ego may be getting the better of me here, I must say, I am quite impressed with myself, really. A master practitioner of magic and a top-ranked killer globally, now living a different life as a writer and future hunter. I sure seem to make my life busy, though I am not sure if that is the same as adding meaning to it; nevertheless, the thought of gradually revealing my powers as a hunter as if I am training them is quite exciting.

It would be quite interesting to write something about the journey after reaching the list of top one-hundred hunters globally.

In any case, I look at the time and by the time I've finished with my future fantasies, it was already late; as also evident by how a completely different show was playing in the background. Being in no rush, I put the finished glass of wine on my writing desk next to me, proceeding to then get off the bed.

After which, I began getting ready for bed by taking a shower and washing my face, followed by brushing my teeth. Then proceeding to get back to bed, only that now, I was fully naked.

Inside my queen-sized bed filled with 4 pillows, most of which I barely use, I close my eyes as I prepare myself to sleep, thinking of what has to be done the next day; from asking to spend some time with Elle, to visiting the Hunter's Association, as my brain finally shuts itself to sleep.

The last thought on my mind, was painfully true.

I am both a genius, and a naïve fool.