Chapter Three

"My arrival was not at the will of Rafi. This is my own will. I want to confess my sins to you, for ruining your life, Rafi and the children. I'm not calm, Naz. Especially since my father died. I feel like Rafi… Rafi doesn't want to spend his life with me.” Renata looked down for a moment.

"It means?" asked Nazwa not understanding.

“As a husband, Rafi is a good husband. He gave me more than enough birth support. But as a man, he is not a man of lies. He can't get your shadow off him. And that's what makes him unable to fulfill his inner support for me, Naz. You may not believe it, but I'm telling the truth." Renata looked into Nazwa's eyes. "Since we got married, I haven't been touched by Rafi," Renata whispered.

"Astaghfirullah alaziem," said Nazwa in her heart. She stared fixedly at Renata's eyes. And she found no lie there. "How dare Rafi," she thought again. As a married woman, Nazwa could feel Renata's turmoil.

“Every time I asked why Rafi said that he didn't want to hurt my heart. He said, “I'm sorry, Ta. But it wasn't me on purpose. I just... I can't do it by imagining another woman when I'm doing it with you. To be precise, I can only do it with the woman I love. Again, sorry, Ta. You also know the real reason I married you. Maybe I sound very selfish. But, here I am.” Renata looked down for a moment. “Honestly, every time Rafi talks like that, I get mad at you, Naz. I am jealous. Annoyed! Why didn't Rafi close your story immediately after marrying me?!” Renata's voice was full of emotion.

Nazwa was unable to say. She just looked at Renata and let her express her feelings. She didn't understand how to deal with Renata's feelings.

"Twenty-two years I harbored hopes for him. Twenty-two years, Naz, we've been together. I never let go of my feelings for him. I always waited, when he confessed his feelings and asked me to marry him. He once promised my parents that until he was established, he would not marry any woman. And that's what he did."

Nazwa did not expect that Renata had feelings for Rafi. She suspected that all this time, all of Renata's concern for her little family was the genuine concern of a friend and relative. As Naz knew, Rafi had lived with Renata's family for many years and was considered a part of their family.

“You know, Naz, it turns out that my parents had the same hopes as me. They also patiently waited for the establishment which Rafi felt was sufficient for the provision to invite me to marry. They judged that Rafi is a man who can protect, look after and love me as he has shown. Rafi cares about me. But…,” Renata was silent.

"But what?" Nazwa couldn't help but be curious too.

“It turns out that Rafi's feelings for me are only limited to brotherhood. I found out when he told me he knew a woman who had stolen his heart. The woman made his life uneasy because he did not know how she felt about him. For two years I suppressed feelings of jealousy deeply. Listening to fairy tales about the woman he admires with a broken heart. And the slash was getting wider, as he brightly said, “Ta, Renata. Hear! My life will be perfect. Complete! You know why? Because Nazwa has agreed to marry me! You hear? Nazwa is willing to marry me!” after that he danced and sang like a child getting candy.” Renata took a deep breath.

"As for me? Stare at him with tears in his eyes. When Rafi felt his world had just woken up, I felt my world crumble. I couldn't bring myself to share this news with my parents. This heart is just crushed, what will happen to my parents' hearts? I can't bear to destroy their dreams of me, the only child they have lived with their struggles." Renata spoke softly.

"Sorry, Renata. I didn't know that…” Naz interrupted Renata's story.

"No need to apologize, Naz. It's not your fault," Renata said softly. Smiling, she continued, “Actually, I also don't understand whose fault this is? What was wrong with my parents, who wanted Rafi to be his son by marrying me? Was it my fault that I dreamed of being with a man as good as Rafi? Or is it Rafi's fault, who doesn't seem to realize the expectations of me and my parents? I don't know, Naz. At that time I was heartbroken. I even know what it feels like to be suicidal.”

"How come does it feel like?" asked Nazwa in disbelief.

Renata smiled. “It may sound weak and whiny, Naz. Honestly, yes. I want to leave this world immediately. What else can I hope for, if someone I want to walk within this life I can no longer have? But, thank God. God still loves me. Not until I took that cowardly step.”

"You are a strong woman. As I recall, you used to attend our wedding,” Nazwa said softly.

"Yes. I have to come. I want to show Rafi that my love is really sincere for him. If he is happy with you, then I will be happy too. Even though it's really hard." Renata looked down again. "You may be wondering, why didn't my mom and dad attend your wedding?" Renata asked then.

"Initially yes. But Rafi explained that your father and mother were out of town because at the same time a family celebrating the wedding too. Your presence is representative enough, said Rafi. And I can understand." replied Nazwa.

Renata smiled again. "Yes, that incident is true. My parents witnessed my nephew's wedding. However, if they knew that Rafi would also be getting married on the same day, they would not have agreed to the request. To be honest, I didn't tell them because I knew the impact it would have on them. And I did forbid Rafi to tell her wedding plans.”

"But, Ta. Whatever it was, it didn't seem like it would be any more use. After all, Rafi and I have separated. We have our own lives now. Rafi with you, and I... Insha Allah, we are heading towards the same thing as what you and Rafi are doing right now,” Nazwa said clearly.

"That's what I came for, Naz. I want you to reconsider before it's too late." Renata said carefully.

"You mean?" asked Nazwa not understanding.

“Your little family could be reunited, Naz. I will release Rafi. You can remarry. And the children will not lose their father and mother," Renata answered trying to convince.

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Continued