S2 Ep2: Die Trying

Let's all set aside our differences and celebrate all that is stupid starting with the dude who became shark food, then the guy who had a smashing good time, the girl who met her biggest fan, the weather reporters who got swept away, how about the anti-maskers who got HOE-VID 19, Or the guy who went head over wheels for some hotties, and finally the girl who got her point across. It's time to put away our differences and enjoy this chapter of 2000 Ways To Dieeeeee...

Date: 07-21-1989

Location: Pacific Ocean, New Smyrna Beach, FL

Meet Herold McHenry he was at one time one of the best surfers in the world but after years of Cocain and a failed urine test he got a new career as a surfing coach at the local beach. Today Herold had snorted extra coke and was feeling good, he went out to show the surfers how it is done like a champ. But the Lifeguard said that it was to dangerous to surf as sharks had come onto shallow end to hunt for food. What the lifeguard had said ment jack shit to Herold, he grabs his surfboard and hits the waves. He was doing good until the shark squad pulled up on his ass. First while he was in the middle of hanging ten a shark came up and took him off his board after this Herold was in the water. The squad if five sharks took the honor of ripping him limb from limb leaving him a gory mess of intestines of what used to be a drug obsessed teacher.

The sun sets on the tropical skyline as Herolds beheaded head washes up on shore, another beautiful day in Florida.

Way To Die #1320: The Sgark Knight Returns

Date: 10-29-2021

Location: Gate City Bank, Fargo, ND

Joseph Hemmingsworth is a douche employee at the Gate City Bank in Fargo North Dakota, he runs the mortgage department and is kicking his clients to the curb and loving every minute of it. He tells a sweet old woman that she has to move out of her house she tells him that her grandkids love the house and he tells her that her wrinkled ass and her spoiled grandkids can have fun on the streets, he then shoves her out of his office. He is doing paper work when his boss tells him to come into office. Inside his office his Boss tells him that do to budget cuts they have to let him go. Joe goes full on berserk and starts to threaten his boss, his boss gets up in front of a window, Joe decides to run full speed at his boss only to miss and fly out of the 7 story window, he landed on his head causing it to basically explode like a water melon with his brains scattering all over the street. Heads up, your dead...

Way To Die #1008: Window Pain

Date: 04-24-2018

Location: Rooftop, Los Angeles, CA

Mary Jane is your average bitchy celebrity, she had just been in a new Quentin Terintino movie and is at a booth signing autographs. She was to obnoxious for anyone to enjoy her booth, the one thing Mary did enjoy was snorting coke in the rooftop of her apartment. After Obnoxiously signing autographs and flirting with the security guard she heads back to her apartment to snort coke. After heading to her rooftop and doing about 3 lines, she was feeling it. She ran around her rooftop and screamed to the city "FUCK YOU LOS ANGELES!!!" after all of that she saw something, it was her reflection on a giant fan on an air-conditioning system. She looked and saw the poor sad lonely woman she was, she went in to see what else she could see when suddenly...WHOOSH SHING SHING SHING the AC System came on and started to turn Mary into minced meat. The first blade cut her arm off which had her brachial artery, cutting this caused sever bleeding. The next blade cut her head in half this would cause her to immediately be knocked unconscious but not dead, her frontal lobe is still working. The next blade cut into her back this cut her spinal cord causing her to be paralyzed causing her to stop breathing. As she lies there the fan continues to ground her up. She died a lonely woman, but...nothing...she died lonely.

Way To Die #1094: Bloody Mary

Date: 08-24-2013

Location: El Reno, OK

We all are aware of the 2013 Oklahoma tornado outbreak, but we might not be aware of the amount of weather reporters that died in the storms. This is Bobby Joe and Sheryl they decide to go and get some videos of the storm to get some money from the Weather Channel so that they can feed their heroin addiction. They are in El Reno and start to spot something...they see it...the mother of all tornadoes...a 2.6 mile wide twister and it was coming at them fast. They blaze out but you can never outrun a tornado, any fool knows that, they get swept up and thrown to Timbuktu. As soon as their car hit the ground they both were ejected from the car as they where not wearing seat belts. they where laying on the field when their 6 ton truck came out of nowhere and squashed the druggies. The tornado of El Reno was the largest tornado in recorded history, Bobby Joe and Sheryl never got their money but they did however get the recognition they deserve as news teams from every station come out to see their dead bodies. Where your seat belts kids.

Way To Die #1001 Torna-D'oh

Date: 07-11-2020

Location: Karen's Garden, Chicago, IL

Karen and her husband are...how do I put it nicely...complete dickheads. They do not wear masks as "it's there body, their choice" Ok then let's se how death wants to play with them. After Karen Obnoxiously orders a ice coffee without her mask a man comes up and accidentally coughs on her, Karen decides to yell at the man causing him to run off. After returning home she slammed her coffee and went to work on her garden.

3 Weeks Later...

Karen is feeling awful, she can't taste or smell, her head was on fire and she was coughing like a 40 year old smoker. She doesn't care and decides to go to her garden. After a few steps she suddenly feels lightheaded and she can barely breath. She collapses right on top of her gardening hoe which lacerated her jugular vein causing her to bleed to death. Dirty old hoe...

Way To Die #1611: Red Karen

Date: 06-23-2003

Location: Malibu, CA

William had no respect for the female body, all that they were there for was for a man to touch and play with. William would cat call any woman who came his way and would make fun of any fun sized ladies that would come his way, in other words Wiliam was a pig. Today he is driving his convertible that was a gift from his millionaire parents. He sees two hot blonde bitches and decides to give them the William Treatment, he drives up on them slowly and decides to start calling them inappropriate names. the girls ignor him, William starts to get irritated and decides to show the girls his car and what it can do. His plan? Show the girls his car's sexy sounds and then they would go to bed with him. He drives off fast with his car sounding like everyone's uncle when he sleeps. William was driving 50 MPH, he was about to turn around when he slammed right into a tree. William was not wearing a seat belt and flew right out of the roofless car. He He flew head first into the street causing his face to be smeared on the hot rough road. He died almost instantly as his frontal lobe was destroyed first. Remember guys "no" means NO, and driving 50 MPH into a tree means...death.

Way To Die #1840: Rocky Road Kill

Date: 10-11-2024

Location: Manhattan, NY

Bella is in the head for the election, she has no idea what she is doing and backed by loads of money, a perfect president if you ask me, she is widely known for her temper and her need to always be right. Today she is giving the people what they want, lies so they can go crazy, she decides that to make her point more clear she takes a musket with a sphere point on it.She decides to tell the people that it is their country not the "liberals" and proceeds to shout other non sensible words and wave he gun around. As she is walking she twists her ankles on her heels and hits the ground with the musket falling on top of her, the musket doesn't kill her as she lies up a sandbag falls from the stage and snaps her neck back killing her. What she doesn't realize was while she was waving her sharp point musket around, the point was slowly cutting a rope holding a sand bag, as she fell the rope gave away and the sandbag crushed her. Her neck broke in the C3 and C4 vertebrae causing her to instantly become paralyzed causing asphyxiation killing her. Bella should have known that being president is a dangerous job, it just might kill you.

Way To Die #1024: Bayonetted