S2 Ep3: Dying For Death

Do you ever sit back, look at this, and think "Who the fuck actually reads this shit?" Well...you are of course. You get to read about the critter who went up the shitter, the fat man in a little swing, a boxer who was dehydra-dead, a Stoner who went high, how about the guy who took a bath, or the food battle turned war, and finally...chain on you. Ready to read and laugh? Then read this chapter of 2000 Ways to Dieeeee.

Date: May 15, 2017

Location: Ferret Legging Contest, Richmond, VA

A Scottish man named Reggie enters a "ferret legging" contest at a ferret festival (Ferret Legging involves having live ferrets inserted into one's pants, which are then sealed and whoever endures it the longest wins). Reggie is immediately the last man standing when the other two contestants run off the stage shortly after having the ferrets inserted into their pants. Reggie attempts to break the world record time, but cheats in the process by learning that starved ferrets become docile to preserve energy. Hours later, there was less audience in the crowd, just one drunk man. A swollen hemorrhoid bursts in his rectum shortly before he is about to break the record, waking up one of the ferrets, who then crawls inside of his rectum, and begins to feed on the hemorrhoid, killing Reggie from excessive bleeding. In the end, he may have lost but he did go to heaven.

Reggie went looking for a record. The ferrets went looking for blood. Final score: Ferrets won, Reggie done...

Way To Die #1780: Ferret in the hole!

Date: October 5, 2011

Location: Playground, Bloomington, MN

A drunk, morbidly obese man named Fred bets his buddies that he can get into a baby swing at a playground. After he strips naked and lubes himself up, he squeezes into the swing, he win the bet fair and square but as a prank his buddies left him in the swing for the night. Fred tries to scream for help, but no one comes to his aid. Due to how extremely tight the baby swing is fitted around his waist, Fred got stuck and dies from sepsis due to a ruptured appendix.

Fred stuffed his blubber into a baby swing, and won his bet. But in the end, he was the biggest...loser.

Way To Die #1141: Morbidly Deceased

Date: September 5, 2016

Location: Boxing Ring, New Town, ND

"Poundstone" is a semi-pro lightweight female boxer who quickly rises in the ranks due to her reputation for cheap shots. She soon wants to box in the bantamweight class, due to the increase in money. Using pills and diuretics, she manages to dehydrate herself, losing enough weight to qualify for the bantmanweight class. During the match against her first bantamweight opponent, she tosses her out of the ring and receives a one-point penalty. In a fit of anger, she punches herself against the head and dies. This is because due to the lack of water in her body, her brain had shrunk and the punches caused her brain to rattle within her skull, causing massive internal bleeding.

Poundstone was an up-and-comer who played dirty. She dropped too much weight... and wound up... a dead ringer.

Way To Die #1128: KO'd

Date: May 15, 2010

Location: Playground, Semi Vally, CA

A group of stoned teenagers in a park decide to mess around by putting the back tire of Nicky's motorcycle against the base of the carousel, getting on, and revving the bike up to create a large centrifugal force on the merry-go-round. In other words, Nicky's about to get the ride of his life... and death. With the carousel rotating at an extreme speed, Nicky flies off, and his brain stem is impaled orally on a horseshoe's pole sticking out from the sandbox nearby. The other teenagers upon seeing his corpse react in shock and horror.

Most of Nicky's brain cells had already gone up in smoke. The ones that were left blew out...the back of his head.

Way To Die #1216: Merry-go-wrong

Date: January 18, 2019

Location: Cemetery, Chicago, IL

Demetrius is a crooked cemetery owner who hatches a plan to increase profit for his business: Demetrius will dig up the plots and dissolve the dead bodies in hydrofluoric acid, that way he can resell the plots as well as the caskets. Demetrius hires two ex-cons to help him do the dirty work, but they get freaked out and ditch Demetrius after he demands them to dump the body of a woman into the vat of hydrofluoric acid. Deciding to do it himself, Demetrius pulls the body out and drags it to the vat.

That dead girl will completely disappear in his tub of hydrofluoric acid. But then karma steps in, and Demetrius is the one that takes... a bath.

Suddenly, he trips and accidentally falls backwards into the vat. Even though Demetrius manages to hop out of the vat, the damage is already done as the acid enters inside of his body and burns him from the inside out, sending the "grave-robbin', body-snatchin', corpse-burnin' bastard" straight to Hell and bringing his scheme to an abrupt, painful end.

Way To Die #1613: Vat's All Folks!!!

Date: May 30, 2015

Location: Art Fair, Philadelphia, PA

Dennis is a cheesesteak vendor at a Philadelphia Art Fair. When new rival Stan opens shop, Dennis starts a pricing war, which escalates with a food fight. When Stan wins the pricing war, Dennis snaps. He tries to set Stan's place on fire with a Molotov cocktail. However, Dennis detonates the Molotov too close to himself, setting himself on fire instead and runs, trying to escape, into what he thinks is a tunnel. Unaware that the "tunnel" he ran into was actually a wall decorated in 3D chalk art, he slams into it and dies from multiple skull fractures. Sending the cheesesteak vendor and failed arsonist to hell, closing his cheesesteak shop, forever.

Dennis wound up in a Philly food fight, then some chalk art ate his lunch, but in the end, his cheesesteak was...to die for.

Way To Die #1099: Tunnel Vision

Date: August 9, 2010

Location: Verna's Tattoo Parlor, Denver, CO

Zeke was a tattoo/piercing fetishist who was jealous of Verona, who was the most popular tattooist in his tattoo parlor, due to the reason she had a split tongue. It caught everyone's attention, but Zeke didn't like that. A man requests Zeke to tattoo "Warrior" in Chinese on his arm and Zeke does it. Well, not really. He actually tattooed "Douchebag". Even worse, the man was in a biker gang. But Zeke thought he would never figure out. The next week Zeke showed up with a chain in his mouth, through his digestive system and out his butt. He called it the "Chainus". The girls were disgusted. Right after that the burly biker returns and is furious because he found someone who knew Chinese. He chases Zeke down the street, but then Zeke hides somewhere and loses the biker. He let out a huge sigh of relief, but then was faced with a bigger problem. He was unknowingly hiding in between the two prongs of a forklift (whose driver didn't see or hear Zeke), which pulled him up by his Chainus which caused the chain to become taut, which caused it to slice through his intestines and esophagus and caused his body cavity to fill with blood. Sending this tattoo art idiot straight to hell, where he will not make offensive tattoos ever again.

Zeke thought the Chainus would raise his career to new heights. It gave him a lift, but left him... hanging.

Way To Die #1987: Chain Reaction