S2 Ep4: Deadly History
History oh History...the one subject in school we hate, but listen...your reading 1000 ways to die and we are going to make this History lesson fun. We have the man who wanted the key for immortality but only found a new way to die, the maid who had typhoid, a viking who got slayed by a dead man, a Greek tale of death, a brother who's got your back, how about the dying Maiden, or the 70s guy who got the point, and finally a Civil War Story that will have you whistling Dixie. Open up to page 14, this chapter of 2000 Ways To Dieeeee...
Date: December 2, 1936
Location: Laboratory, Berlin, Germany
Dr. Von Metsker is a scientist who is extremely interested in the process of reanimation. However, he is only able to reanimate the severed body parts of animals. Metsker soon decides to experiment by attempting to reanimate the entire body of a dead animal. He experiments on the body of a dead rattlesnake and successfully manages to revive it. However, the electricity triggered a muscle spasm, causing the rattlesnake to bite Metsker in the neck, while he is holding its' head. Metsker dies from a lethal dose of venom in his bloodstream.
Von Metsker was a questionable quack, looking for immortality. Instead, all he found... was a new way to die.
Way To Die #1441: Snakenstein
Date: March 5, 1908
Location: Long Island City, NY
In 1908, if you could afford it, you hired a private cook. The Longfellows felt lucky to have Mary. She was a hardworker who kept their kitchen going and their stomach's full.
The Longfellow couple hired Mary Mallon as their cook. What they don't know is that Mary was a killer. She has been suffering from typhoid fever. She is also a healthy carrier and infected other people by placing germs on her food that she cooks, and on the utensils. The only way to get typhoid was through contact with infected fecal matter. Mary was...hands-on in that department. Her nickname was "Typhoid Mary". After being served, the Longfellows dig in and began to feel symptoms of typhoid fever. Over the next four weeks, the typhoid fever took action on the couple causing diarrhea and vomiting before finally, the Longfellows became Typhoid Mary's second and third victims and died.
Mary might have been immune to the typhoid she carried, but nobody can beat the biggest bug of all...death.
Way To Die #1145: Mary-nated
Date: 1011 A.D.
Location: Battlefield, Hvarslo, Norway
In 1011 A.D., Sigurd, a medieval unbeatable Viking, has just defeated his rival by the name of Maelbrigt, beheaded him, and claimed victory. However, Maelbrigt's head bites on to Sigurd's leg after twirling the head in victory. The wound killed him. In other words, his rival was not done fighting. After ten days of walking back to this home village, Sigurd's leg wound got even more infected, and Sigurd was on his way to Valhalla. It would have taken centuries before medicines were made. When Sigurd finally reached his village, his fate was sealed and he was too weak to move. He removed his hat and said his final words, which were, "Slain by a dead man.", then, he passed away peacefully by the stairs to his home.
It was said those who dies during battle went to Valhalla, welcome to Valhalla...big guy.
Way To Die #1515: Vik-O-Done
Date: 560 B.C.
Location: Athens, Greece
Perillos of Athens, a metalworker, attempts to impress King Phalaris with the unveiling of a new torture device: the brazen bull, which is meant to roast enemies that are placed inside. To make it sound even more gruesome, the bull was built in a way to amplify the victim's screams, making it sound like the bellowing of a real bull and the steam from the victim's body fluids would make the bull's nose whistle like a tea kettle. To test the device, Phalaris locks Perillos in the device and cooks him to death, sending the peasant of Athens to heaven.
Perillos wanted more out of life. He tried to impress the king and wound up cooking his own goose...and that's no bull.
Way To Die #1348: My Big Fat Greek Death
Date: 10th Century
Location: Somewhere in Scotland
Viking king Nygard decided to go on a marauding campaign to leave his brother Mort in charge. With Nygard away, Mort made a party celebration by having sex with women. When the queen tried to shut it down, Mort told the other women to get out of here and he threw her down and raped her, thinking that he was the king she knew. Over the next few months, Mort was having his way with her until Nygard returned and caught him in the act, unleashing his berserker rage. He then orders his men to seize him and order an execution. Nygard took Mort's life by performing a blood eagle (Which is something the former calls the worst way of teaching the latter life). He slices Mort's back and pulls out his lungs (resembling wings, hence the name), which shriveled up due to the exposed air, causing Mort to suffocate and sending the treacherous Viking straight to Helheim (the Norse equivalent of Hell).
Blood's thicker than water, but Mort screwed up. Got your back... bro.
Way To Die #1869: Blood Eagle
Date: September 4, 1789
Location: Lyon, France
During the French revolution, a French spy for the revolution named Clara poses as a chambermaid to a wealthy magistrate named Pierre in order to steal valuable goods. One day, Clara decides to kill Pierre in order to steal his valuables, but is caught by Pierre's assistant, Gaston. Clara is then sentenced to death inside of an iron maiden (a torture device which impales a victim with spikes throughout the body, but because it does not puncture vital organs, it allows its' victims to die slow and painfully). Clara screams with pain because the spikes hurt her painfully, and Clara dies due to blood loss from the various wounds throughout her body. Sending the lying maid and attempted murderer to hell, where she won't be killing anyone and stealing their valuables.
When the doors open...Clara is dead. For her, the revolution is over. Au Revoir, Clara
Way To Die #1874: Dyin' Maiden
Date: November 5, 1974
Location: Backyard, Allentown, PA
In the 70's, back when a lot more stuff was legal, a man named Matthew parties with a bunch of his junkie and drunk friends at an outdoor barbecue. After one of his friends dodges death by moving out of the way when fire shoots from the grill, Matthew celebrates by pulling out lawn darts and showing one of the female partygoers how to use them. Matthew tosses the lawn dart up into the air, but gets distracted by the female flashing her breasts (another 70's fad called breast baring) and fails to catch the lawn dart. The dart comes back down with enough speed to impale Matthew through the top of his skull, piercing his brain and coming out the bridge of his nose, killing him instantly, much to the shock of the female.
Matthew had a lot in common with 8-track tapes, shag carpeting, and platform shoes. None of them made it out of the 70's.
Way To Die #1129: Lawn Of The Dead
Date: July 4, 1867
Location: Stonetop Canyon, Anniston, Georgia
The Civil War had been over for 2 years, but somehow these rag-tied group of rebel soldiers never got the message. Private Willie Holmes was born by the war and decided to take off, but he got caught trying to sneak away when he was branded a deserter and sentenced to death by firing squad.
Having battled side by side with him since the beginning of the war, his buddies are now facing the unpleasant duty of whacking their beloved Willie. Their hard bastard colonel wasn't about to let Willie off the hook. The only medals Willie was going to get were 4 lead slugs to the chest.
But a funny thing happened on the way to Willie's execution: Everyone fired, and everyone missed. And even funnier: He's dead. Something was definitely not right.
Adrenaline levels secreted from Willie's nervous system went way off the scale as he imagined the bullets riddling his body. It was like a lightning bolt to his heart. He suffered a massive carnory and died without a scratch.
Someday the south may rise again. But you can be sure, Willie never will.
Way To Die #1221: Pulse Out