S2 Ep5: Death Watch
The newspaper came in, the headlines are as stated...a group of strippers get shocked, a buffoon with a bouffant, a druggie blows his mind, a man gets pussy whipped, how about the woman who gets blend-dead, or the toxic couple who took the fall, and finally for diner is snake du jour. These stories seem interesting and dumb so let's read them, on this chapter of 2000 Ways To Dieeeee...
Date: September 28, 2016
Location: Car Wash, Semi Valley, CA
Five cheerleaders from Simi Valley University are promoting a car wash to raise some money. The fact is, Simi Valley University doesn't exist, and these so-called "cheerleaders" are actually strippers. They were desperate to earn more money and they accept whatever payment a customer has. One of their customers, a perverted elderly widower named Harold, cruised into the car wash, and said how dirty his car was. "Thank god my wife died!" - Harold, in the middle of the car wash
He was going into the car wash version of a happy ending when he saw how sexy the strippers were. One of them got a power buffer to polish Harold's car, but little did she know that the buffer's cord was exposed and is near a pool of water. The buffer gets wet by an igniting spark, electrocuting all five strippers in the process, who were dead before they could hit the pavement.
The phony cheerleaders got a big charge out of bilking their horn dog customers.
Give me a D, give me an E, give me an A, and another D. What do we got?"
D-E-A-D
Way To Die #1238: Washed and Fried
Date: August 15, 1956
Location: Makeout Hill, Los Angeles, CA
A woman named Betty on a date with her boyfriend and refuses to let her boyfriend, Joe make out with her, fearing her beehive hairstyle will be ruined. Finally, he gets frustrated with her and he steps outside to smoke a cig. Betty decides a cigarette sounds good and she steps out to smoke one. She grabs a smoke and asks Joe to light it, which he does. Only one problem: back in the 1950's, hairspray contained alcohol and other flammable substances, causing Betty's hair to burn hotter than a pizza oven and longer. The flame from Joe's lighter sets fire to her hair, saturated with hairspray. Betty trios on a rock and falls down slamming her head, knocking her unconscious. She may he out but that fire isn't. Betty dies when the fire spreads to her scalp, burning her brain and cooking her skull.
Betty wouldn't give it up and then she lit it up. All because of her killer hair.
Way To Die #1300: Bad Hair Day
Date: October 21, 1988
Location: Dennis's House, Pomona, CA
A drug addict named Dennis abused everything from pain killers to antidepressants to cocaine to crystal meth.
There was no substance that he hadn't, or wouldn't, abuse. His brains weren't just fried, they were burnt to a crisp.
Dennis, being the poster boy for what not to do, tries a random combination of drugs each night. One night, Dennis takes a combination of pills that drastically slows down his perception of time. Dennis tries to talk on the phone, but they can't keep up with him. He tries to listen to music, but with his perception of time skewed, it's also too slow. Finally, Dennis tries to watch his lava lamp. Not moving fast enough for him, Dennis decides to put the lava lamp in the microwave. After a few minutes of microwaving, the lava lamp explodes and Dennis is killed by a combination of the boiling hot liquid and the shards of glass embedded in his head and his skull, thus silencing the impatient speed freak, permanently.
The lesson here? Drug abuse is bad for you and will eventually kill you. Bring a lava lamp into a microwave, and it will get you there in no time at all. Time's up, Dennis.
Way To Die #1539: Lava Clamp
Date: May 12, 2017
Location: Annie's House, San Francisco, CA
A drunk named Peter begrudgingly agrees to take care of his girlfriend Annie's pet cat, Rocky, while she is away on a business trip. Little does she know that he hates and is allergic to cats. To pass time away and dull his girlfriend's frustration, he drinks heavily, becoming more aggressive as he did so. He tries to kick the cat, misses by a mile, slips on the rug he's standing on, and he hits his head on the fireplace slab, losing consciousness in the process. Peter then rolls over and lands on the cat's water dish face-down, and drowns from breathing in the water. Sending the cat abuser to Hell.
The lesson to be learned from this short story? Never fight a cat named Rocky...
Way To Die #1088: Cat-astrophe
Date: September 19, 2015
Location: Arlene's House, Austin, TX
Arlene was a very loving gardener, hoping to keep herself from aging. She thought that blending juices with wheat grass would do the trick. Little did she know that her wheat grass was toxic. Once in a while, while Arlene was away, her landlord would spray rat poison everywhere in her garden, including the wheat grass. Unaware of her landlord's actions, she consumed her blended juices anyway, but eventually, she would feel sick to her stomach. Every day began with the sound of her blender mixing up another immortal cocktail. But the more she drank, the sicker she was becoming. Never suspecting the source of her discomfort was the home-brewed mega-juice, Arlene kept knocking them down, hoping this would make her feel better but her grass was poised. Eventually, Arlene died while on her exercise ball after the rat poison's toxins caused internal bleeding, and a brain hemorrhage.
Arlene thought she could live forever. Instead, she found a different forever: death.
Way To Die #1457: Blend-dead
Date: June 19, 2009
Location: Golf Course, Atlanta, GA
Moira, a pompous, obnoxious has-been golf star, and her husband, Josh, were a married couple, taking shots at playing golf, and at each other. They would fight and insult each other at public courses while taking swings at their putters, alienating other people.
"Oh, and by the way, you know my secretary? I've been screwing her for the past six months!" Josh spits
"Ha, well you know what? So have I!" Moira retaliated.
Mark Twain described golf as 'a good walk ruined.' For these two, it was one long bad drive.
Josh loses focus on where their golf cart is going, due to him also being drunk, and the cart rolls down the hill, until it landed...in the pit of despair. During the crash, Josh and Moira sustained fatal head and neck injuries, silencing the rude couple and there a reunited in hell.
With alcohol and anger as their handicaps, it's no wonder these two wound up... in the rough.
Way to Die #1116: Golf Coarse
Date: August 21, 2018
Location: Chef Wangs Restaurant, San Jose, CA
Chef Wang is the head chef of an illegal underground restaurant. Why is it illegal? The foods he cook are made from endangered and protected animals. He told his assistant that his tonight's dish is a king cobra.
Before Chef Wang had a chance to cut into his cobra, it got loose...
He crawls on the floor and tried to capture the angry venomous snake. While attempting to catch it by charming it in order to get his attention, the angry venomous snake bites him by the face through his skull, leaving Chef Wang screaming in pain. His assistant is left completely horrified to see the infection across his face, which ironically looks like a snake's head, after he falls into a coma and dies from the snake venom and goes to hell where he belongs.
As the saying goes, you are what you eat. In Chef Wang's case, he is exactly what he should be... dead.
Way To Die #1142: Recipe For Disaster