S2 Ep6: Deadliest Catch

The more you read the more you realize...this book is fucking stupid, like the dictator who got penetrated, the officer who got the hose down, the dog abuser who gets crushed, how about the instructor who got destructed, or the teen who likes to blow, the Dan Schneider who gets it down the throat, and finally ICP remember them? Yeah this book is dumb but you're reading so that makes it somewhat good, so take a load off and enjoy this Chapter of 2000 Ways To Dieeeee...

Date: March 24, 2010

Location: Somewhere In The Middle East

Javez was a Middle Eastern dictator who used televised rants against the United States of America to make a point for his country, but in private, he loves America almost as much as he loves his own country. He even had his own private room filled with American-style decor and items. The item that this hypocrite liked most in his crazed collection was a mechanical bull he called "Old Smokey". All his troubles went away when he rode it. When he was riding it one day, Javez began to grow impatient and told his assistant Amed to speed up the bull. Javez spun erratically on the bull, until Amed accidentally hit the stop button and Javez flew right off his mechanical steed and right on his model of Washington D.C. where the Washington model he described as looking like a "camel penis" stabbed through his heart and sternum, and out his back, sending this hypocritic dictator to hell where he deserves much to the astonishment of Amed. Javez's strange obsession with the U.S. ultimately led to his demise, but through all this carnage, a question lingers, was Javez really a bad guy? The answer is yes because he put negativity out into the world with his threatening speeches and he was also disloyal to his country by faking his feelings toward America.

Javez's love for America was strange, but misguided. In the land of the free, he was one more dead guy.

Way To Die #1642: Trip Table USA

Date: May 15, 2016

Location: Downtown Philadelphia, PA

A group of protesting women get hosed by flunky police officer Lenny, who was too dumb to pass the police exams. The women getting hosed protest against animal cruelty at a local pharmaceutical company. However, Lenny couldn't handle the water pressure, and he lost his grip of the hose. After whipping back and forth at over 30 MPH(48 km/h), the hose lethally goes out of control, tripping Lenny and then slamming into his skull with its brass nozzle, with death becoming instantaneous. Sending the flunky and corrupt police officer to Hell. The protesting women scream in shock.

This was a perfect opportunity for Lenny to air out his cruel streak. But the tubby loser couldn't handle the 1200 pounds per square inch of water pressure blasting out of the nozzle. Whipping back and forth at over 30 miles per hour, the out of control hose became a lethal weapon. First, it took Lenny's legs out, and then it took...him out.

Lenny was a frustrated rent-a-cop who thought he was a bad ass. All it took was some protesters, a hose, and a shattered skull to put him in his place...a very dead place.

Way To Die #1241: HOEs

Date: November 16, 2018

Location: Floyd's Crib, Bloomington, MN

Floyd is a famous bike rider. He keeps an Altitude Chamber to relax. However, he trained so hard that his girlfriend moved out, leaving behind her dog, whose named was Lance. Lance needed some water, but Floyd wasn't going to give any of his water to drink. Not only that, he talked smack to Lance by calling him names. As Floyd, who injected steroids onto the vein of his left arm, went inside of the chamber, Lance reached for the water but accidentally turned off the oxygen in the process. 20 minutes later, Floyd woke up, gasping for air. He then knocked his own homemade chamber tank door side down in the process. As a result, he suffocated to death. Sending the mean dog abusing bike rider to hell, where he belongs. Lance then gloats and drinks the rest of Floyd's water.

Way To Die #1820: Suffer-cated

Date: April 14, 2021

Location: Indoor Park, Dodge City, KS

Evan is a rock-climber who didn't pay attention to his climbers and just attempted to seduce his female ones. When a fat beginner climber named Terry slipped, Evan wasn't paying attention. The rope wrapped around his neck like a noose and he couldn't breathe. Evan had a choice: strangle to death or screw Terry. He cut the rope, but he forgot one of the rules of climbing. When it's raining big fatties...get out of the way. Terry fell 50 feet and landed on Evan's neck, snapping it and killing him, sending him to hell, much to the horror of the climbers.

Evan thought he was God's gift to women, and then God gave him a gift, a 250-pound, neck-breaking Terry. Say thank you, Evan...Evan?

Way To Die #1307: Rocked Out

Date: August 1, 2019

Location: Back alleyway, Cedar Rapids, IA

3 youthful teenagers are killing time, standing next to a pickup-truck, behind a building, bored. When one of them, Seth, finds something for them to do, Chicken, which is when two or more people, usually males, do something dangerous, until one of them quits. They start of by squirting hot sauce in their eyes. Next they have un-powered jumper cables attached to their nipples. Finally, in the final round, Seth pulls out a pair of M80 firecrackers. Seth and his friend put them in their mouths while another guy lights the fuses. The two stare fiercely at each other, until the other guy backs down and spits out the firecracker, and Seth wins. In his excitement, he raises his head and loosens his jaw, causing his firecracker to fall down his throat. A moment later, the firecracker explodes inside his neck blowing out his larynx, and rendering his windpipe useless. The explosion also destroyed the important blood vessels in his neck. To sum it up, Seth's neck was completely destroyed. Inevitably, he collapsed and died. He drowned from his lungs filling up with his own blood, causing him to die in minutes. Seth thought his death would never, ever happen, but it turns out, it was just around the corner.

A wise man once said youth becomes but once in a lifetime. Seth also learned the same lesson about death.

Way To Die #1917: Chicken Boned

Date: September 14, 2013

Location: Mercy Hospital, Toledo, OH

A hospital janitor named Gunther with a fetish for feet and unconscious women sneaks around giving pedicures to sleeping or comatose female hospital patients while sucking on a foot-shaped lollipop. Tonight, Gunther's going to spend some quality time with his soulmate. Gertrude has been in a coma for weeks. This guy even makes his own foot-shaped lollipops. Gertrude didn't volunteer for this weirdness and lashes back...with an involuntary kick called the 'patellar reflex'. While finishing a pedicure on Gertrude, Gunther accidentally lets a hospital tray swing towards her kneecap, triggering the patellar reflex. She involuntarily kicks Gunther in the face, causing the lollipop to lodge in his throat and Gunther to choke to death. Gunther could have been saved, but since he liked his patients unconscious, no one was around to help him.

Gunther worked the night shift to satisfy his foot fetish, what finally stopped him was a sleeping beauty...who gave him a sucker punch.

Way To Die #1508: Toe Jammed

Date: July 28, 2010

Location: Music Festival, Los Angeles, CA

Funny Eddie, a circus clown with an axe to grind.

"Clowns don't rap!"

Stalks a horror-core hip-hop band called "Insane Clown Posse" with threatening hate mail and plans to sabotage one of their concerts, believing that they give real clowns a bad name.

"It looked like two beachballs, stuffed in some shorts." -ICP talking about random stuff right before finding out "the hater" sent them hate mail.

As he made his way through the crowd, Funny Eddie stood out like a nun at a porn convention. He didn't know what he was going to do until...he got knocked cold by a bottle of soda pop. When Funny Eddie came to, his mission was clear: unplug these monsters and shut them down. Eddie, who decided threatening hate mail wasn't enough, rushes to the front row, but is knocked unconscious when one of the group members hits him in the head with a bottle of Faygo. After regaining consciousness a short time later, Eddie becomes enraged, runs backstage and goes to unplug their speakers. Still drenched in soda (which contains a high concentration of salt), Eddie gets electrocuted (most likely due to a short in the wires or improper grounding) and dies of a heart attack, sending the angry circus clown straight to hell. One of the members of Infernal Clown Posse to says to Funny Eddie, "It's the hater. He's... dead." Then, they gloat "In your face" in the tune of their song to the now-dead Funny Eddie.

Funny Eddie went down with a frown. He didn't realize that it takes all kinds of clowns to make the world go round.In Yo FACE!!!

Way To Die #1260: Down With The Clown