S2 Ep7: Crane Dead

Death is playing it cool today, seeing that you are not dead, but death has different plans for the southern belle who choked up, a phony tow truck driver gets hooked, a waitress gets a bad tip, the food critic who gets the point, how about the spoiled teenager who loses face, or the cheating wife who has an unhappy ending and an arrogant break dancer loses heart. Death is still waiting...for you to read this chapter of 2000 Ways To Dieeeee...

Date: July 4, 2022

Location: Charity Fair, Marietta, GA

Louise is an attractive Southern Belle who is running a kissing booth at a local town charity. She refuses to kiss any of the participants on the lips, only allowing them to kiss her on the cheek. Louise is also stealing the money from the jar. Louise's high school crush named Johnny, soon comes into the carnival, and Louise is quick to make out with him. Johnny had also kept up the habit of chewing on sunflower seeds from his baseball days. Louise winds up dying from anaphylactic shock after suffering a severe allergic reaction from the sunflower seed oil, but not before burning her cheek on a grill, sending this thieving bitch to hell.

Louise was a bad girl. Stealing money for charity was wrong. She paid for her sins with her life after swallowing some guy's... seed.

Way To Die #1251: Did Not Succ-Seed

Date: August 28, 2019

Location: Roadside, Union, NJ

Dave was a tow truck driver, and also a scam artist. He would put fake 'No Parking' signs up and then overcharge customers when he illegally towed their car or does any other services. When a woman with a broken down car agrees to pay his high prices to get her car towed, Dave accidentally hooked onto the cars steering rod instead of the tow link due to him being too busy checking out the woman's legs. While the car is being towed, the tensed steering rod breaks and the towing hook flies into Dave's head, crushing his skull, leaving the woman terrified while this selfishly perverted scam artist and tow truck driver is sent to Hell, where he won't be illegally distracted on his job anytime soon.

Dave was a douche who got a big kick out of taking car owners for a run, but then he screwed up and got a big kick in the head.

Way To Die #1462: Tow Fuck

Date: May 24, 2021

Location: Hooters, San Francisco, CA

Kerry and Sherry, two rival waitresses at Hooters, haven't been making much money. When an all-male softball team comes in to get their orders, the two get in a catfight for the role of being their waitress. Kerry defeats Sherry after placing her head in a plate of spaghetti and plans to go in for the kill, but instead gets her left breast pierced when she lands on the spear of the receipt holder. When Kerry gets up, she gets the holder out of her breast and both silicone and her heart's blood leaks out, and she dies from blood loss.

It was the dead zone at this Hooters. Then, business picked up. In the end, Kerry beat up Sherry on the table. I don't think that was the tip she was looking for. Check, please!

Way To Die #1296: Tipping Point

Date: March 24, 2018

Location: Royal Forks Restaurant, Boston, MA

Sebastian is a food critic notorious for writing negative reviews on the restaurants he visits, some restaurants even closing due to his bad-mouthing reviews. One day, Sebastian visits a newly-opened restaurant called Cafe Vistro. One of the waitresses, aware of the critic, hatches up a plan with the chef to get him to write a good review: get him drunk off martinis. In his drunken state, he accidentally swallows part of an olive toothpick while eating the meals given to him. Two days later, while writing his bad review on Cafe Vistro, Sebastian begins to suffer from peritonitis caused by an abscess the toothpick formed in his intestines, which he believes was just indigestion. However, when he visits the next restaurant, he vomits blood induced by his peritonitis, and dies shortly after, sending the selfish food critic to hell.

Sebastian loved sticking it to other restaurants, until Cafe' Fate served him a dish called... death.

Way To Die #1554: Critical Condition

Date: November 24, 2017

Location: Cannon's House, New Suffolk, New York

During Thanksgiving holiday, a spoiled brat college student named Cannon decides to throw a redneck-themed party as a joke on his cousin Amos, who was visiting from Alabama (Even though Amos was a law school valedictorian). While the cheap booze and Twinkie casseroles were appetizers, Cannon goes inside to get what he calls the "best part". He comes back out with a frozen turkey, which he drops inside of a deep fryer. The reaction creates steam under the turkey, which expands rapidly and causes the turkey to shoot out of the deep fryer like a cannonball. Cannon, who was peeking into the deep fryer, is hit directly in the face by the turkey, forcing the cartilage of his nose to go into his brain, killing him instantly, much to the horror of Amos and the other college students.

Cannon's redneck party was an insultingly bad joke. Amos took it in good humor. In the end, it was Cannon who cried...fowl.

Way To Die #1280: Dead Neck

Date: September 24, 2021

Location: Liz's House, Bellevue, Washington

After a long day at work, Dan decides to relax by using a neck massager. Dan's cheating wife, Liz comes in complaining about her neck. Dan offers to massage it, but Liz refuses and says that she is tired of feeling like a piece of meat around him. Earlier that day, Liz hooked up with a much younger handyman, having an affair on her husband. She then takes the neck massager into the bathroom. However, when she brings the massager up to her neck, her necklace gets caught on the motor and begins to choke her. Running out of breath, Liz tries to break free from the necklace's grip, but the massager kept wrapping the necklace tighter and tighter around her neck. Causing her to be strangled to death. Sending this cheating wife straight to Hell as she deserves.

Liz was a two-timing sexaholic. She didn't care if it was man or machine, as long as it did the trick, but then, right before she died, she realized, the "choke" was on her.

Way To Die #1366: Strang-girled

Date: February 12, 1985

Location: Alleyway, Bronx, New York

Sophie Liebowitz (aka Sister Shmear) is an arrogant, Jewish-American break dancer. She and her crew "The Massapequa B-girls" were about to have a dance-off with "The Levittown Lady Breakers". Shmear also had a modified sound system on her car which boomed out sound waves at a sonic level. So at the dance-off, the two dance crews go toe to toe in a colossal dance showdown, and Sister Shmear decides to intervene. But in the middle of her dance, she dies of Sudden Arrhythmic Death Syndrome triggered by her high-energy dancing and the soundwaves disrupting the rhythm of her heart.

Sister Shmear tried to talk the talk, but in the end, it was the beat... that beat her...

Way To Die #1094: Pop And Lox