S2 Ep9: Withdrawn

Down deaths highway we have the following who took early exits, the jersey chaser who chased a bullet, OCD woman who got DED, the terrorist who was anorexic, we have an average Michael Vic, the man who got a "crappy ending", the two gang bangers who were chain banged, and finally the mission impossible. Stay in the highway and enjoy those who took off, on this chapter of 2000 Ways To Dieeee...

Date: November 25, 2022

Location: Jerome's Mansion, Los Angeles, CA

Jerome, a pro footballer, gets seduced by a jersey chaser named Cindy. One night, Cindy sleeps with Jerome, hoping to relieve him of his money. Over the time, Jerome had no recollection of his rendezvous with Cindy due to a concussion from one of his games. The following morning, Jerome thinks someone broke into his home; during the paranoia, Jerome had hidden pistols in his pillow, in his bathroom, and in his kitchen, without Cindy knowing. As Cindy is cooking breakfast for Jerome, she is about to put some cinnamon buns in the oven, but Jerome warns her not to open it. Why did he warn her? Is it because A: he had a gas leak, B: it's where he dries his jockstraps or C: is it where he hid the third pistol? In this book, the answer is always C! The heat in the oven had heated the pistol, causing it to fire a bullet right into Cindy's head and through her skull; she was killed instantly.

One question lingers after watching this tragic tale of modern romance: Jerome, why the hell did you hide a gun in an oven?

Way To Die #1275: One in the Oven

Date: October 27, 2017

Location: Sunnyside Apartments, Tucson, AZ

Sarah was a germaphobe with OCD. In an attempt to wipe all the germs away, she cleans the house. Sarah falls off a ladder and crashes on the mirror, but survived. She embeds a shard in her armpit, which punctured her axillary artery but also blocked the puncture from drawing blood. As Sarah was going outside, the pain of the glass in her armpit was getting worse, but when she pulled the shard out (which is very stupid), she bled to death anyway after pulling it out and unplugging the puncture to her axillary artery, causing massive trauma, killing Sarah within a few seconds. In other words, Sarah's tragic and ironic death could have been avoided easily if she had seen a doctor to examine her or stayed away from the shard.

Isn't it ironic when a woman who was so determined to wipe the world clean of dirt and germs wound up leaving a really... big... mess?

Way To Die #1592: Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the deadest of them all?

Date: January 11, 2009

Location: Pakistani Border

Abdul was a terrorist who blew up a Pakistani police station, completely disregarding the fact that there could have been people inside. He was caught and was sentenced to life in prison without parole. He attempts to escape from prison by abstaining from eating for two months until he was thin enough to slip through the bars of his cell door. After escaping from prison, Abdul rejoins his terrorist friends and takes part at the feast they are throwing for him, unfortunately for him, while he is gorging on the food, he begins to suffer from refeeding syndrome (caused by eating too much too fast after abstaining from eating for a long time) and a ruptured stomach caused by the overeating, and dies of hypoxia and body poisoning.

The worst thing a starving man can do is eat too much too fast.

In the end, Abdul got what he deserved for his unlawful violence, especially the violent act stated earlier in the story: a one-way trip to hell. He should've known that Allah punishes the wicked who do not give thanks for their bounty. Courtesy to Allah himself.

Abdul was a bad man who thought he can escape his fate, and find freedom. But Allah punishes the wicked who do not give thanks for their bounty.

Pass the hummus, God is great!

Way To Die #1646: Scarf-face

Date: February 12, 2006

Location: Rochelle's Animal Haven, Little Rock, AR

Vic, an animal abuser, sneaks into an animal shelter to steal animals for his cruel pit bull fights. His intended target is a pit bull named Michael who he tranquilizes. When Vic goes into Michael's cage, a guard comes by and takes a nap. While Vic could leave Michael behind and take the chance to escape, Michael is too big of a catch to leave behind, so he decides to wait him out. Sometime later, the guard awakens and spots Vic, who then tranquilizes the guard, causing him to fall in front of the cage gate. As Vic struggles to move the unconscious guard out of the way, Michael wakes up and instinctively attacks him. He runs up to Vic and knocks him down, he then sinks his jaws into Vic's neck and began to crush his windpipe. He also lacerated his carotid artery and jugular vein. Unable to escape, Vic soon dies from the mauling because of massive exsanguination and sending him to hell, whereas Michael starts happily eating Vic's corpse. Michael was never put down, instead he was rewarded for protecting the animal shelter and was adopted 2 weeks later.

Michael was just a dog who just needed some love and affection. Vic was an animal who belonged to the cage. Michael and Vic: one was man's best friend...the other...the pits.

Way To Die #1174: Dog Dead Afternoon

Date: June 18, 2015

Location: Red Light District, Bangkok, Thailand

An American tourist named Dave visits an erotic massage parlor. But the thing is, Dave is a Quagmire and has had sex many times and is now rubbed out. During the session, however, he is unable to remain aroused and blames this on a strange buzzing sound within the walls. His frustrated masseuse removes an electrical outlet to check it out and flees in terror when an Asian giant hornet flies out and stings her client. Dave kills the hornet, but her pheromones attract the rest of the swarm, which proceed to sting Dave to death.

Dave was an oversexed sex tourist. Who went from horny...to hornet...to dead. Are you happy with "that" ending, Dave?

Way To Die #1213: Dead Light District

Date: June 23, 2007

Location: Maricopa, Arizona

Two prisoners named Mack and Billy are on a chain gang attempt to escape by jumping into the bed of a passing pickup truck. Today, that fickle lady called Luck seemed to be on Mack and Billy's side. Just as nature called one of the guards, they spotted a pickup truck coming up the road. This was their chance. The stop sign was all they needed. The chain gangers were on their way. The driver was kicking it to ear-splitting country music and didn't hear or notice a thing. But then Lady Luck turned into a vindictive bitch...and proceeded give Mack and Billy a fatal case of road rash. The chain of Mack and Billy's leg irons wrapped around the truck's hitch, they are dragged along the ground and die from blood loss, skull fracture, and multiple bone fractures. They were essentially dragged to death, and then to hell. The truck driver got out of his truck and realized that Mack and Billy were dead.

Mack and Billy were robbers, wanted to break for freedom, but for those two scumbuckets, freedom's just another word for... dead!

Way To Die #1493: Chain on you

Date: March 4, 2004

Location: Mills Bank, Chicago, IL

Nick, a nervous man, walks into a line at the bank, reveals a bomb around his neck to the teller, and claims that some guys wrapped it on his neck and will explode if he doesn't get the money. The teller gives him some money, but Nick says it's not enough and asks her to get more. Unbeknownst to the teller, Nick is working alone and the bomb is self-made so that he could have a decent alibi. Then, the cops come into the bank to confront Nick. Nick shows the bomb around his neck and tries to play the victim, but then, the teller, who fled from the scene, uses her car key to unlock her car, only for the key's electrical signal to send out a frequency that triggers the bomb and before Nick can react, his head is blown off his body with some of his blood splattered onto a nearby statue, killing him instantly. The police officer then calls the station to cancel the bomb squad and instead bring the meat wagon, roger that...

Way To Die #1715: Withdrawn