To cure my inner darkness

Xuan Ti was asked by the Celestial Emperor to take back his position as the god of war as well as to bestow back his position as king of the dragons in the four directions of the world. To maintain the balance of the universe. Because the celestial emperor believed that under his leadership there would be peace and tranquillity.

Their return to the heaven, of course, this did not escape their friend, the dragon king of the four directions of the world. They met and joked around at the Phoenix residence as before, before all the disasters came. Unfortunately, one person is missing, namely Xuan Lung. the three dragon kings were still sad to lose their friend, regardless of what Xuan Lung had done to them, they still considered him a friend, especially towards Xuan Ti who was much sadder than them, but he was very good at hiding his feelings. Xuan Ti is still looking for the right candidate to fill the palace position of the northern dragon king, replacing Xuan Lung.

One night, Xuan Ti and Phoenix slept side by side. The atmosphere of the room feels harmonious, the effect that emanates from the aura of both. Who now live happily without having to separate from each other again.

They sleep facing each other. Phoenix snuggled into Xuan Ti's chest, feeling the warmth from his embrace. Xuan Ti himself, let his upper arm of his right hand become a pillow for Phoenix's head. His chin rested on Phoenix's head as he inhaled her sweet scent on his nose, and he embraced her with a softness and warmth that he would never tire of feeling. To the only woman he loves.

"Qing-qing…" Xuan Ti called softly, actually he wanted to let her sleep, but his curiosity was unstoppable. the question he had wanted so badly to ask her.

"Hmm..." Phoenix said almost in a muttering tone. But still her voice sounded clear in Xuan Ti's ears.

"I still have a question that you haven't answered so far" he said excitedly and enthusiastically, but still in a gentle voice heard by Phoenix.

"Huh...?" Phoenix's forehead creased deeply. Confused about what questions he's asked and haven't answered. "What kind of question is that?" she asked still confused but that didn't make her less clinging from Xuan Ti's chest. Because she didn't want to lose the warmth that was given by him.

"Why did you disappear and where were you while you disappeared?" he asked patiently, not wanting to put too much pressure on Phoenix to have to answer it. Because he knew, the question he asked brought back bitter memories that she might have buried deep and didn't want to reveal, so he completely left it to Phoenix. but deep down in his deepest heart, he was dying to know.

This time, Phoenix pulled away from the warmth she felt comfortable with. And looked at Xuan Ti. There, she found eyes that were calm, authoritative, persistent but not pushy. Her face softened, the embarrassment disappeared. Replaced with deep affection and love.

Despite Xuan Ti's expectations, Phoenix chose to answer his question this time. "Hmm.... my good deeds while living in the mortal world, made me born as a Phoenix, possessing divine power, a mystical bird that is synonymous with eternal immortality. But anyway, I lead a peaceful life here. My heart still has a speck of dust left, and the speck of dust is filled with darkness. In this life I seem to be enjoying my life happily and peacefully, but actually my heart is in turmoil. Sadness, guilt, injustice and also the feeling of losing someone I care about in my past life with Xuan Lung, continues to haunt me. Until one day I could no longer contain the feeling. Finally, I went to the Supreme Goddess, asking for guidance. And she agreed to help me. I go out every day to train under the Supreme Goddess' tutelage. To restore my tarnished soul so that it is pure again as before."

"Huh, when did you leave, how come I never knew, every time I came home you were always at home" Xuan ti's brow creased deeply, he didn't remember finding Phoenix not at her house every time he came back from celestial errands.

"Well, I did it secretly" replied Phoenix with a shy smile.

"Even Ru Qing doesn't know?" asked Xuan Ti, his forehead furrowed even more until his brows almost knit together.

"Yes" Phoenix answered briefly in a shy tone.

"How could that be? Don't tell me you're cheating time?" Xuan Ti deepened.

"Yes!" Phoenix said firmly but still in a coy tone.

Xuan Ti could only sigh. On the one hand, he was sad that he didn't pay attention to Phoenix, if only he had given her a good and caring look maybe she wouldn't have taken such a drastic step. but regrets are useless now.

"So, what happened next?" asked Xuan ti impatiently wanting to hear the rest of Phoenix's story.

Phoenix's gaze looked out the bedroom window, but her sight surpassed what was seen from there. Her eyes set on the past, she is filled with firm determination to overcome the inner darkness that has haunted her all these years.

In between her distant glances, she continued to tell the story. "I was taught to look into my true self, what am I looking for, what do I want, what do I want to find. Every day I practice. After practicing for a long time, I am much calmer. I can clearly see the direction of my life's purpose. But it wasn't enough, for the speck of darkness dust remained within me. At that time the supreme Goddess saw the steady progress of my mind, judging that I would never be able to purify my mind completely if I stuck to the current practice. Finally, the Supreme Goddess took the extreme step, by sending me to another universe, witnessing with my own eyes what everything I felt meant. There is a saying, you will not get the true meaning if you don't see and experience it firsthand. So, I'm leaving you guys, to find what I'm looking for".

Phoenix took a deep breath, as if the story she was about to tell was too hard to tell. And this is not so. What she experienced in her past life with Xuan Lung was nothing, when compared to what she witnessed on her journey through the universe in search of the answers she was looking for.

"The Supreme Goddess knows very well, the darkness within me, is caused by the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, guilt at the crucial incident that I experienced at the end of my life with Hai Jian. who dragged me to hide that inner darkness in the depths of my heart. At first, I didn't know that what I was experiencing was just a hallucination made by him, he did it because of unstoppable anger. He thought I left him to live with you. He doesn't want to see me live happily with you. In the end he did the thing he would regret. He created an illusion, as if I was raped by a group of thieves. And he managed to make me shattered into millions of pieces. Starting from the feeling of powerlessness to see my family one by one being killed, in front of my own eyes. Likewise, you were also killed right then and there. It wasn't enough that he made me feel being raped until my soul no longer felt anything, there was only emptiness. That feeling continued until my soul saw him, the next morning sad, crying hysterically while hugging my cold and lifeless body. I see everything. And in that moment, I knew where I went wrong. My soul goes with that guilt."

Phoenix withdrew her gaze from the window and looked gently at Xuan Ti, smiled bitterly, and continued her story.

"To cure my inner darkness, I must go". Phoenix raised her right hand, stroked Xuan Ti's left cheek gently, feeling the warmth there, her eyes filled with tears, saying "I'm sorry, I can't accompany you, if there is still darkness within me. I can't tell you, seeing how close your relationship with Hai Jian is and I don't want to ruin it. So, I went quietly. I know you must feel I'm being unfair and sad about it, but I have to go."

"I found the answers I wanted from my journey across the universe, jumping from one life to another. See and experience it firsthand. How a woman is beaten, humiliated, insulted, treated like a worthless object. Her chastity was taken away without her consent, then she was thrown away. I saw all that. until I realized, what I experienced, and what I felt, was not comparable to what I witnessed from all my journeys looking for answers. I realized that a sense of helplessness is a feeling where I feel guilty, because my actions, without realizing it, have taken away my family's life.