Distress Signal

"Mr. Jack, are you okay?" Ethan asked me the moment I got inside the apartment. Just like how I often see him whenever I get back, he is seated at the table. But this time, he's not eating a banana.

"Your arm! Why—?"

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not. Wait, are you even listening?"

Not wanting to listen to his long-winded speech, I threw three 1 demi coins at him. "That's supposedly ten if not for those stupid horses."

He caught them with one hand and put them inside his pocket. "Mr. Jack, I—I guess I should leave for now. I think I've forgotten something. See you tomorrow." he said before he transformed into a white rabbit as the grayish-white fog emanate from his body. He then hopped onto the window and disappeared into the darkness.

Heh! That rabbit is indeed smart.

Not having the strength to even change my clothes, I slumped against the wooden bed. I grimaced as soon as I did that as it sent a stabbing pain on my shoulder like an electric current.

Today was tiring but I did a good job, right? I didn't mess up anything, right? I mean, it was the horses' fault why the operation went haywire in the first place. It's not that I did anything. In fact, I even went through that torturous disguise in exchange for 25 demi and an injury. So yes, I did a good job. You did a good job, Sean.

As I closed my eyes, I found myself in a place that is very familiar and dear to me but somehow, felt so distanced. My body is no longer Jack Miller's. But it's my original body.

It's the same dream again if I can even consider it a dream. I'm conscious and I can feel everything.

It kept on repeating over and over again like a broken record whenever something triggers it. Just like what happened to Miss Patricia a while ago. With her in my arms with blood streaking down her temple.

I've seen this countless times I've already lost count. It's on loop as if trying to slap me of my own incompetence and my stupidity.

The first scene was at the front of my mother's coffin. She died from a chronic respiratory disease.

She was a nice woman. A strong and independent woman. A dependable mother. And I looked up to her.

That's why when she died, I tried my best not to cry. I did my best not to show any weaknesses. So that I will become the pillar of strength to my two younger brothers. They were too young to lose a mother.

While father had become too shocked. He can't accept mother's death and he became an alcoholic.

I didn't blame him for what he has become. Because I know that his actions were just his coping mechanism, But I wish he was a little stronger than that. I mean, he still had children. It's not only him who lost someone dear to him. He lost his wife. We lost our mother.

In the end, even he started relying on me as well along with my siblings. So heavily that I had to juggle three part-time jobs just to make ends meet.

I always wanted to become a psychologist but ultimately, I had to let that dream go. I can only do so much. I'm not a superman. I'm only Sean.

The scene changed again, it was when I met Karl. Someone who is also on the same boat as me. Someone who is also suffering from the "oldest child stereotype".

We would listen to each other's rants. Listen what would we do if we become a millionaire. Listen to what we would do had we been born with a different situation. A better one. And not just become a punching bag of fate.

And fate? Destiny? Heh! I never wanted to believe in that. I always hated the idea of not being in control of my own life. I hated the idea that the moment I was born, everything was already laid out. That everything was premeditated.

That's why I worked hard! Staying hopeful and strong. Maintaining the "role model" image I had built up in front of my siblings and my father.

Karl and I would cheer each other. To me, he has become my lifeline.

The scene changed again And I am aware this will be the last. And the one I hated the most.

It was Karl lying on my lap with his bloodied wrist. His body is cold and lifeless. Apparently, he couldn't fight anymore. He has thrown the flag. He gave up.

I remember it clearly. Our last conversation. He said he wanted to find his salvation. I only laughed it off. I never even thought that it was already him giving a distress signal. An SOS.

But here's the thing, he sent me a distress signal but I don't know morse code.

At that moment, it's as though all the emptiness hidden at the very corner of my heart I never knew existed resurfaced.

I never expected that my lifeline would also be the reason for my slow death. Slowly rotting from the inside.