nineteen

It'd been about a week and I hadn't seen Kiyoshi anywhere, much less Akira. I had asked Yuta if he had seen them plenty of times, but his answer was always the same - no.

I would've been lying if I said I wasn't a tad bit worried for Akira as well. The way he had looked at me with so much hatred after I told him I loved Kiyoshi would forever be engraved in my brain. And Kiyoshi - I just wanted to see him again.

I said some horrible things to him and I wanted to apologize, but seeing that he wasn't anywhere he'd usually be made me worried.

"So you fought with Kiyoshi and Akira in the same day? I'd say that's a record." Yuta and I sat on the grass of the football field, him enjoying his lunch and I overthinking.

"I'm just worried," I said. "I know Kiyoshi tends to disappear, but I figured he'd be back by now. And Akira… I don't want him to stay mad at me."

"Wow," Yuta said, biting into his sandwich and looking at me. "You actually care about Akira?"

"It's complicated." I bit my fingernails, "I just need to tell him I'm sorry." Yuta nodded and finished his lunch.

"I might have an idea of where Kiyoshi could be," he said. My eyes widened and I looked at him hopefully, "But I'm not completely sure. Akira? God knows where he could be right now."

"Tell me, Yuta," I said, scooting closer to him. "Please, I need to know."

"There's a lake near his house that he usually goes to when he's upset," Yuta said. "He could stay there for days on end, only leaving to get food or change his clothes, but he always goes back. I don't know where else he could've possibly gone but there."

I stood up, "I'll go now."

"Now?" Yuta looked up at me, "We're in the middle of school hours, Ren. You'd get in trouble."

"I need to know if he's okay," I said. "I can't live with this- this guilt for another second, Yuta. It's killing me."

He sighed and nodded, "Fine," he said. "I'll cover for you."

I smiled, "Thank you, Yuta. I owe you one." I picked up my things and made my way towards the main building of the school. I ran down the hallways until I reached the exit and off school campus.

Please be okay, I repeated inside my head. I need you to be okay.

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Yuta was right about him being at the lake. I saw him there, sitting on the wet grass as he stared ahead. He seemed so unbothered and peaceful, just sitting there without a care in the world. I tried to be as quiet as I could be, hesitating with every step I took. He wouldn't want to see me, I thought. If he's gone a week without me, he could probably go more.

"You're pretty loud for someone as small as you, you know," he suddenly spoke. I froze in my spot as he turned his head and looked at me. "Did Yuta tell you I was here?" I slowly nodded, making him scoff and look away. "He can never keep a secret, can he?"

"I asked him," I said. "He only told me because I asked."

"Why are you here, Ren?" He pulled at the grass near his feet, throwing it into the lake and watching as the current took it away.

"I'm sorry." He was quiet, but continued to pull grass from the ground. "I'm sorry I yelled at you and said those words. I didn't want to hurt you, I was just frustrated." I could feel tears forming in my eyes and I wondered how many more times would I end up crying because of him. "I just want to help you."

"But what if you can't help me?" he asked, finally looking at me. His eyes were watering too, I couldn't tell who would end up crying first - me or him?

"What are you saying?" I walked closer him him until I was only a few inches away. He sighed and looked back down.

"I'm getting married next month, Ren," he said. "They're not even going to let me finish school before they send me off to some foreign country with some foreign girl."

I felt like I couldn't breathe. He's getting married. If he's getting married, that means that I've failed. The only reason why we ever talked was because he wanted my help, but I couldn't even do that. If I can't help him get out of an engagement, how could I help him fight the voices in his head? I broke into tears, sobbing as I kneeled on the grass and covered my face with my hands.

There's your answer, Ren. You'll cry before him - today, tomorrow, and every other day, because you're not like him. You aren't strong.

And you never will be.