twenty

After that day, there was nothing that I could think of besides the fact that I had failed him.

He went to school, acting as if nothing had happened between us that day at the lake. He pretended as if he was fine, saying he was only sick. Akira was back as well, but ignored my presence and Kiyoshi's. The only person he could talk to was Yuta, but that was fine with me. If he doesn't want to see me, than he doesn't have to—it's my fault anyway.

Kiyoshi had changed, though. It was easier to tell if his smiles were real or not, and the panic attacks came more often now. He would always excuse himself from class and not come back until hours had passed. No one questioned him, of course—because no one cared. I seemed to be the only one worried about him, with the exception of Yuta.

"You need to stop," I told him one day as he walked me to the bus stop after school had ended.

"Stop what?" he asked, but I knew he knew what I was talking about.

"Stop pretending," I said. We stopped walking when we reached the bus stop and stood there in silence, waiting for the bus to arrive.

"I can't," he said suddenly. I looked at him, his eyes looking straight ahead at the cars driving down the street. "It's—it's all I know how to do, Ren. Pretending's the only way for me to be happy."

"You don't become happy by pretending, Kiyoshi," I said. "Pretending doesn't get you anywhere."

"Still," he said, frustration noticeable in his voice. "In this life, pretending is the closest I will ever be to being happy, Ren."

"You can be happy with me."

He was quiet after I said that, and it made me want to regret even thinking that. I looked down and sighed, silently praying that it was just a coincidence that he had gone silent by coincidence.

"I know."

I look at him again, and he's smiling this time. It isn't fake like the one's I'd been seeing more often—it's real. He's smiling, and it's real. Kiyoshi looks at me, "Trust me, Ren—I know."

I'm tearing up again as I keep staring into his brown eyes, a small smile forming on my face. I want to say it, the words are right there, on the tip of my tongue—I love you. But as I'm about to open my mouth to say something, the bus pulls up in front of us. The doors open and he looks away from me.

"You should go home," he said. His smile is smaller now as he gently pushes me forward so that I'd get on the bus. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

I want to object and tell him that I want to stay with him. I don't want to wait any longer to tell him, but there's a look in his eyes that makes me think again. It's almost as if he's begging me to get on the bus and leave him alone. So instead of speaking my feelings, I sigh and a mumble a quiet "okay."

I sit in the back of the bus, staring out the window and at him. Kiyoshi's looking back at me, his smile still there. It makes me smile.

The bus starts to pull away, but my eyes stay on him. Unknowingly, my mouth opens, but no words come out. Instead, I mouth them.

I love you.

Before he disappears from my line of vision, I can see the smile growing on his face and his eyes twinkle. Then, he's gone as the bus moves down the street and takes me home.