college

I was scared for the first time going out of my comfort zone. While on the van with my brother thinking how really far I am on my house, with my parents. I already feel like crying that I want to get off the car and went home. However, that is not me, it is not my style to give up like that easily. When we arrived on the boarding house where I will going to live with my two brothers. The place feels empty and quiet. Just imagining of waiting for the service in hours, fitting myself with a lot of people in the transportation car and riding two times in the morning and another two times in the afternoon makes me go crazy.

Every Sunday I am going to the church where you are and eat lunch with you then going home again after. Your mother suggested that why I don't sleep at your house every weekend so that it won't hard for me and it is not hassle to keep on traveling and to also I can attend the choir practice in which you are the pianist and the song leader sometimes.

There is this one Saturday that you have a class and I don't so your mother asked for my help in washing your clothes. She's teasing me from washing your boxers with my bare hands saying how happy I was to wash my crush's boxers when the truth is I don't feel anything that time. I just saw it colorful than ah...okay…

Your smile is still on my mind when we played ticktacktoe during young people fellowship and you choosing incidentally the same number as I am. You end up winning but because you don't play fare, you are not fare for me.

I had a dream that time on the month of September. I didn't saw the guy's face but I already have an idea. My friends also told me the same thing if who is the guy when I told them about this. The setting was at my school. I was standing in front of the building waiting for him and I saw my friend go up on the stairs. I really didn't saw her face but I know her jacket, I know it is her. Then the guy came holding three cans of drinks. He is giving me the two cans but I said I don't like the other one because the can is flattened so we throw it in the trash can. We finished drinking beside the stairs on the first floor then we go up to the third floor holding each other's hand. There are a large group of students standing in front of the bulletin so he got curious what it is. He was about to go there but I stopped him because I was so shy because the top students are posted there and I am one of them so I pulled him away. We are walking on the corridor while playing his hands. I cannot believe that I am already holding his hands. I cannot believe that this time would come. I just can't believe this time would come and can't describe how happy I was. We walked till the end of the corridor without letting go of one another's hand until we saw the twins and they saw our hands. They are also happy for us. Then I woke up from that dream. The dream that I still don't forget.

Do you know that guy that linked with me in the church? I know you know he is. You can call me fragile or weak than it is okay because I also think that way. Just because people are teasing us for being too close and always together I built a feeling to a guy who is two years younger than me. We are always chatting with each other. Teasing each other. He lend me his umbrella when it is raining even means he is going to be wet. He asked for my help. I treat him snacks and went to soul win together. We did a lot of memory together and you are not there.

Every twenty-seventh of September I remember when he asked me what I would say if he will told me, "I love you", then I answered immediately, "I would say I love you too. He suddenly became serious, hold my hand and stare straight unto my eyes and says, "I love you". I was speechless that time when he says that so he laughed out loud. I know that it was a joke yet I want to take it seriously.

All this time I don't know that he was the man they are saying because it was an another name so I keep on saying I like that person, because I thought that it was the other guy because he was not saying anything . I just find out that he was the guy when you called him that and her sister. Imagine how embarrass I was when I discovered that. I even memorize his phone number hahaha. I cried a little when he confessed that he used to like your younger sister which is my friend and he likes another girl from the other church.

After new year, I stopped going to the church because I changed my address from living with my brothers to living with my aunt and cousin that they don't allow me going out on weekends or going home at night so even I want to attend I can't bring myself to do so.

One Friday, your sister messaged me that she misses me and want to see me so we planned a day to meet and that is Friday. I waited for her for an hour or so in the rose garden in the park and I didn't see a shadow of her. In my disappointment, I went to my brother's office instead. That is when he said that they are going to a fellowship with the other churches together with the young people which is your group so he invited me to come also. We first soul wins then have a short fellowship and games like we do on our young people then eat dinner after that. I don't forget when there is the time that we are going to get the same dish and I hold the spoon first. I get my food slowly on purpose to tease you and make you wait longer. Then when you told me to get my food for me then that is the time when I gave you the spoon.

I have this classmate that catches my attention on the first day of school maybe because I found him cute or something or maybe just because he is tall and thin that reminds me a lot of the guy in eye glasses I had in high school. I never had a feeling about him especially that we have this classmate who is having a huge crush on him and she's making it too obvious that the whole class knows about it. I really don't care about it and the first time I met him and his friend is the first thing that came into mind is I want to be their friend. I want to be so close with them. I can't forget of this one time, I never want to forget about it when he and his friend are hanging out on the same place during lunch break. I just eat ramen that time and I am craving for a coke yet I don't have enough money for it. I am already hugging the refrigerator in the snack bar or whatever that place is called when I saw the two of you on the corner studying having a huge bottle of soft drinks with just the two of you. I immediately throw the water in my cup and filled with a coke that is in their table. I didn't told them that I will going to have some, I lift he bottle and filled my cup without saying anything and I also get a bread then go back to our table. They didn't said anything even I go back for the second round, instead he gave me the remaining bread they have. This makes me more desperate to be their friend.

When your mother learned what I am having through living with my aunt and cousin, she volunteered to adopt me but I have to pay rent though. On my first night there, I am nervous. I am nervous to see your face again after a year of not showing up and what your reaction might be. I was already in bed when I heard the door opened. I really planned to sleep early that night because I am shy to show my face in front of all of you. When your mother said that I am there already. I heard you said, "Really?!" then rushed into my room. I am trying to hide my face on the blanket yet you still called my name. Your sister which is going to be my roommate called me to the living room so that we can watch a movie together.

The next day after that which is Saturday. Your mother invited me to go with her with the other church mates on a church activity. I thought I was going to see the same faces again like I used to but in my shock, they are all new in my eyes. I didn't know a single one of them yet the day ended to be fun when they are all friendly and easy to be with. I didn't struggle dealing with those new faces.

I want to be their friend but falling is not in the plan. He became my partner twice when we are practicing for a dance in the physical education. We are both still looking for a partner when everyone else already does. I am shouting in the crowd if someone else doesn't have a partner then in the end of the line I saw him alone. He called my name and hold my hand then we danced together. Even I am not getting the steps right, he don't get angry at me. When I kept on telling to a friend that she's cute with her partner while they are practicing so he told me to practice also so that also look cute together and held my hands. Because we became partner twice, our classmates are asking me what our relationship is and getting jealous of me.

When the day of practicum, I am feeling uneasy. I don't know why but it is like my heart would beat out of my chest. I said I am nervous. Nervousness that never felt before. I told him I really am. I look at him like I was going to cry. Yet he hold my hand and felt the warmth. He looked straight unto my eyes. "Ssshh…" comes from his mouth. I felt the chill in his eyes. "Don't look at the others, just look at me" "I'm here don't you worry" "Just chill, don't be bother" "Ssshh…" those unexpected words came from his lips. How many times he called my name. But my hands are still shaking. Keeping relaxed and quiet. But his partner is in panic. I'm starting to give up but he lift me up. He hold my hand and we danced away. Guiding me every step we go. Yes I'm nervous, but he comforted me.

For the third time, when the teacher said to choose another partner. He looked at me first before calling other's name and I have to pretend like it is nothing and went to find a partner also when deep inside it really hurt me. I know that I am not good in dancing and it takes a lot of time to perfect a step, he should have told me. How many time I apologized for my mistakes. How many times he said it was alright. But when he got tired and had enough. He chose to let go of my hand and leave. In denial, denying. Convincing myself that it is nothing. It shouldn't, it should never be. We are not destined to be one. I ignored the others just for him. I thought that he chose me for a reason. But I am just an option trying to be ameliorate. I let him in for he don't have a choice. I hold him thinking it was true. But he turned his back and chose her.

Our classmate that who is having a huge crush on him even start a quarrel with me. She even pushed me and said, "Let him choose between us. Is it you or me?" She even bullies me for too much jealous like taking my shoe away. It wasn't me his happy ending anyway so all her effort in fighting me go in vain because there is nothing between us. After a month or so, I heard the news that those two are already in a relationship. I knew it, I knew it when he invited him to dance with her. I knew it that time that I almost got angry until we go home. I knew that they will be together and I had to pretend like it is not a big deal. Remember the night I went home wearing a blue dress that is when it happened.

I am curious who is the guy that some members of the church are talking about. I am got mesmerized when I saw a new face again for the first time. He is so white and…handsome although he had a little fat yet what matters is he had the face. I found out that he was your best friend and there are times he sleep on the house and friends with everybody. I first talked to him when he gave me a bread sitting next to each other while watching horror movie on Friday night and played Uno together.

I didn't remember that much but I know that your best friend and I went too close. You are witnessing that, right? You know what happened to us but I don't know if the feelings inside was true.

.

He always tease me with the other kids. He always says he likes me. I was happy in every little action. Just by saying my name makes me smile. There is a lot that I can't bring into words. I thought he was the perfect guy, he is handsome, pretty smart and rich. He is gentleman and we both take long hours in the shower. I really like him so much that I got jealous on little things and I talk so much about him to my friends. I stalk him in his accounts. He always smile at me and know how to make me flatter. He tells me his schedule and go to school together. I look forward to him leaving every morning so we can go to school together. He tells me when he was late or how many minutes before his class starts every morning when he arrived. I know that he doesn't really like me and just going with the flow and I act like it is me also. I hate it when I saw him too close and take pictures with him. I remember when he said that I look like that one celebrity and he is my partner even though I know that my face is real far from that celebrity. He curled his hair to say that we look good together. He always look for me and me also to him. It just disappoint me when he told me that he will give me a chocolate on Valentine's Day but I am more disappointed to myself for believing that joke. I can't describe how happy I am when the picture of just the two us is taken on my birthday like how I wish us two to be like that also. Nevertheless, there is one question that I want to ask to you that I noticed during those time. All the people are teasing us for being the love team, the adults, friends, your sisters and your cousins. You like teasing me every day like your day is not complete when you didn't do that so I wonder why you don't tease me like that like the others of us and your best friend being together. When people are like that you are silent. Do you already like me that time?

I am sure I will never forget this one night and I know that you also do. It was your cousin's birthday and your best friend is in one of the room in your house. We are preparing a surprise for that birthday girl. I was assigned to do the letterings yet it is not that good then you said that we already learned that in elementary. I told you that it was a long time ago. Then you said that it was just seven years ago. Your mom stopped us because we are being too noisy, we might be destroying your best friend's study. Yet we continue arguing at each other like a cat and dog. I answered that we are already in college and I already forgot because I already learned a lot of things. I forgot what you answered. The next thing I knew is I answered you, "Even though". You turned to your mom to complain that I already speak in English like a child that had taken a candy from him. So in the end you repaired the letters that I had it wrong. Then the birthday went perfectly.

There is this friend of your cousin that obviously like you so I hate it when she says she is going to live with us also thinking that she might be going to flirt with you and your best friend all the time when she will be there. They were just like "Ayieee" and I was like "Duh" when she said she likes you. I really hate it when someone says they like you that I want to burn them alive even I don't like you myself that time.

It is your turn to preach on the young people fellowship. Before you start you asked our opinion of the verse you gave, boys vs. girls. The girls pointed me to be their representative and I pretended that I don't like and act chill when the truth is I already have an idea when I read the verse. When I share what it is, you told the group that I already said what you have supposed to say so it is already finished, you left nothing to say. Honestly, that makes me proud of myself a little.

I know that you don't know this so I want it to tell you. When you drink the water first then I go next, after I drink that is when I just realized that I used the same glass as you so there might be a possibility that we kissed indirectly, that makes me shiver. When I remember that I also remember the same thing happened when I was in eighth grade. I don't have any special feeling to the guy, he was just like a friend to me. He asked for a water so I lend him my water bottle then when I was drinking after lunch that is when I remembered that I forgot to wipe the mouth of the bottle before drinking.

Whenever we play, Concentration at church young people fellowship. I don't know if you want me to lose or you are just teasing me for always pointing me and I point you again then me again like who will give up first then I will try to point other people but it is still coming back to me. You always point me looking straight at me while smiling saying my number. Your smile getting bigger and bigger when you saw me getting pissed. I hate it like you want me out of the game.

I want that Sunday to happen again. The Sunday when we rode a taxi going home after church, the four of us. You, your sister which is my roommate and your best friend. I am playing something inside and you are reprimanding me saying because I might break it. Then I saw a car of a church mate right beside us in the traffic so I greeter them and wave at them one by one. When the car moves and stopped again in the traffic they didn't move beside us again so I shouted at them. The driver was that guy who also likes teasing me with you and my brother's workmate. So every time I visit their office, he will make jokes to me. I will never forget the time when I was still enrolling in college and he asked me why I chose my course. I answered, "I didn't chose this course, the course itself chose me" Going back, when we got home that afternoon, your sister went inside the house first. I am still removing my shoes than the two of you are standing beside me while I do that watching me. So I told you why don't you enter first and that was the time the two of you entered the house. I tell my friends about that then they say that you must like yet I don't believe cause just like the other guy, it is very impossible especially that it is you.

Remember that December when we make a video in which you act as my father. I thought at first that your best friend will be my father that he even called me baby yet he ended to be my teacher that was supposed to be your role and you are my father. Then when we went on a swimming after that. All of us carrying Tupperware of foods. I feel heavy on what I am carrying so I asked you to exchange with me. I asked you not in the nice way but you just smiled at me and still did. The young people are asking me on how long do we know each other and I said since we are five. They said that we knew each other that long but why we didn't fall for each other. Then your sister answered, "Because I won't allow that". Every time I think of her answer I thought she don't want me to be her sister-in-law. I think also that as if I would like you, not in a million years, never. When we are going home, I took a picture of you sleeping in the car sitting in front of me. I thought that I will make it a blackmail when you will tease me again.

I was used to get angry to those characters in the movie when they stopped in the middle of the road instead of moving to get avoid being hit by the car. However, when I am already in the situation, my mind stopped working just staring at the rushing car going to me when we are crossing in front of your school. I was about to get hit by my dream blue car when you hold my arm and pull closer to you. My mind is still loading that time when you got angry and shouted at that driver. It was my first time to see you like that and it was because of me. You are like superhero that time in my eyes.

One church mate invited us to his birthday who is one day before mine. Your cousin tease us because we both wear plain blue shirt so you immediately wear a sweatshirt to cover that.

It was like already a hobby that every Friday night after we came from church. All of us gather in the living room and watch a horror movie together. I remember that there were once a moment like these when we were kids. We watched horror movie together at our house and we keep on screaming. There is this one Friday night that I went home late then all of you are already going ready to watch a horror movie. My classmate tied my hair that time in the afternoon and when I entered the house, you stared at me in amazement. I feel like I am very pretty that time that I made you like that. I was waiting for your best friend to notice me when he was busy telling story and when he noticed me he just say, "You're beautiful" then go back telling story. You played a horror movie and I am not watching so your sister asked me if I already watched it and I say yes, they will all going to die and your best friend says, "Yeey spoiler". I answered, "But it's true, only the girl will survive" Your best friend says he want to watched the new movie and I said that I have that movie then you told the story of the movie so I said, "Yeey spoiler"

A pandemic that is in the news that spreads the whole world came to our country. The class is been suspended for a week so I decided to go home first where my family is. You are not home that time because you accompany your best friend going home on the bus terminal. Actually I also want to accompany him and see him off but I am shy to volunteer myself.

Who knows that the virus would cause too much effect to the whole world, a week become month then a year. I didn't saw you for that long but I don't care because what bothers me is that your best friend is not chatting me to know how I am and I don't have a news about him also that long so I don't have an idea how is he or he is still alive. A pandemic came and he already forgot me or he just doesn't care from the start.

Unlike this old classmate that even he dropped from school he didn't forget to chat me if how I was, where I am or what I want. When I am pissed, I can tell him. I told him the anime I like and I don't. Whose classmate makes me pissed. When I need a help, he was there. He even asked to treat me when I go back but when the time came, I got shy and ignored him for I didn't accept the dog he was giving to me. I ignored him for how many months and messaged him again when I need a help like nothing happened and he willingly helped me like when he asked my help on how to enroll for he said that he wants to go back at school.

What bothers me the most that time is you. When the pandemic starts, I kept on dreaming about you that it makes me hate you. One night after another night then night. Even I am not seeing your face in person, I can see you in my dreams. I dreamed of you countless times while your best friend is just twice so I asked, "Why?" Of all people, why you? And every time that happens I tell it to my friend. Every detail of that dream and how I hate it having that dream. At first I am counting it yet I got tired and lost count in thirty-three. Don't worry I didn't tell your name, I named you as housemate, your best friend as Bes and your sister as roommate.

I realized that the more I dream of you the more I long for you. I misses you, your smile, the way you teases me and everything, I hate it but I misses you. That was also the time that a hate for you grow in me. I really hate that it was you.

There is this one dream that I still remember. There is a van in front of us because you are going with the group on a church mission so you are saying goodbye to me and entered inside the van then you called me and say that one member backed out so I can go. I happily sat beside you on the van. When I feel sleepy on the way, you let my head lean on your shoulder. The next thing happened is you are giving me a pack of a candy, it was the candy I used to eat in elementary. Yet, I didn't accept it because I want a material things as a remembrance. The next thing I knew is you are embroidering a jacket using a blue yarn. I came and sit beside you and asked what you are doing and said that "You said you want a material to be a remembrance so I am making you a jacket". You gave the finished product to me and I wear it. It is too big and little bit uncomfortable yet it makes me really happy especially the thought that you made it for me.

There is another one, and the setting is a classroom. Everyone is required to show their talents or skills in front of everyone. You are sitting in front of me and it looks like I am the only one left who didn't perform so I walk slowly in front while thinking what to do. It is been so long since I perform a rap so I don't think I can do that when I saw a violin on the side. I picked that violin and played a random song even I am just starting to learn the instrument. When I am finished and take a sit. The middle aged woman beside me asked me why do I play like that, I said that because it is been so long that I played violin and because of pandemic, I left my own violin in your house and because it is stocked, it got broken and cockroaches or other insects live on it.

You called me to take a video of you presenting. Your sister called me to talk for the introduction but I don't want so I remain standing on the side to take the video of you. I saw your phone that you have a game or an app of plants vs. zombies and because of that, I am planning to tease you having that game. I don't know how to use your phone so I having a trouble on using it when you came and taught me how to do it while on my back so it looks like you are hugging me as I noticed that everyone is already looking at us. Then I heard my mom's voice shouting at me to wake up standing in front of my bedroom. I almost forgot that I have a check-up on that day.

It still also has this time that a young woman in the same age appear in front of us saying that she know you for a long time. It feels like she's taking you away so it makes me pissed. She said that she know you since fourth grade but how did it happen when I just saw the girl for the first time and what fourth grade she's talking about when we knew each other after graduating kindergarten. I hate her claiming that she knew you for a long time when the fact is it is me who know you for a long time.

I don't really remember the whole detail of this dream, the only thing I remember is I am reading a book when you came. You sit beside me and I lean on your arms while reading just like what couples do. After a while, you pushed me a little away from you so I asked you why. You pointed at the group of boys coming to us so you immediately went to the boy's restroom to hide. Then I went behind it to hide also yet they found me already maybe because they already saw me before I hide. Then they are kicking the men's restroom to let you out because they know that you are hiding there also. When they leave that is the time you go out and follow them to the room when I remember that you forgot your jacket so I went back to get it and you followed. We entered the room wearing that jacket so our classmates said that we are together a while ago and the proof is I am wearing your jacket. I said that I just borrowed from you because I am getting cold.

When you and best friend invited me to eat lunch together in a restaurant and there were no available table already because there are a lot of packs of people. When we saw a long table and only two people are there so we decided to share with them and I noticed that they are my twin friends from high school. I gladly talked to them and as always, the topic always land on their cousin. The guy in eye glasses and my biggest crush in senior high. They really want me to be his woman, their whole clan wants it. I want to see him, as a friend. I missed high school already. I wish I could go back on that time.

Whenever someone ask me what is my biggest mistake in my life or if I would go back in the past, when will it be. I always gave the same answer to those questions. I want to go back to the time where it is my last year in senior high in October. That was the time I decided to not answer his calls and texts and starting to ignore him to get rid of him. I really regret that I do that to him so I want to go back to change that one. Until now I am still full of, "What might have been". What will happen if I didn't become coward and continue liking him and not to ignore him. Will he be my forever? And I don't want another what might have been by letting you go. I don't want the history to be repeated itself. I don't want to do a thing that I will regret in the future.

Every night I already starting to think of you, what you are doing, did you already eat, when will we going to meet, or did you even eat already. I was like the main character in the anime movie I watched.

After a year, I came back to get my things on your house. You said that I become blooming and more beautiful while standing at the door of the room watching me packing my things. I want to believe at your words, I want to be happy yet I can't like every word that come out of your mouth is a lie. It is been a year since I saw you. Even it is given a little time, I am still happy to see you. I wish I can eat the dish you cooked again. I was a little bit happy when I teased you a little for once and you carried my things.

After that, six month had passed before I came back. My mind was still debating whether I was going or not. I am nervous to show my face again, not just for you but to the members of the church too. It is been a long time when I saw them. And also I am, I don't know if I am jealous or angry to know that there is already someone new. Still I did go there because your sister might going to look for me.

After church, we young people decides to go hang out a bit. We went on an ice cream parlor. As always, this group is noisy when I noticed a group of boys from the nearby table so I excused myself and went to them. At first they got startled when they saw me popped up in front of them all of a sudden. I feel so familiar that I sit on the vacant table when the other came holding all of your orders. "That was my seat" he said looking at me. There were no other extra seat so I pulled from the other vacant table. I know that you saw for the first time, all of you the real me. Yes, what I showed to those boys are the real me, jolly, funny, laughing out loud, bully, teasing and full of energy. They are my friends in senior high, they are my version of F4. To them I am not afraid to act as I was. To move without thinking, I am not limited. You must be wondering why I am not like that when I am with you guys. You know why? Because there is a wall. I am trying to be myself when I am with you but there's a wall blocking me from you guys and make me feel like I don't belong. I am destroying that wall but you are building it again.

There is this guy who is the same age and batch as me. I first met him when I joined the student council. My eyes are already stuck on him and there are times I am thinking about him like what is like to be his girl or what it takes to be his ideal. Whenever I am at the office or meeting, I only looking at him that I even finished more than nine bottles of water. I even dream of him once and I still remember what happened on that dream. I don't know what I saw in him that I found him special from the other members of the student council. I don't want to admit that I like him or fall for him when the truth is I just built a little, a super duper little crush on him. So when I heard the new that he was quitting in his position that really affects me like I want to tell him to stop and stay. And if he did quit, I will also like there is no more reasons to stay as a leader of the school.

I still remember the time when he asked for a friend request on me on Facebook. For all the people I accepted in my social media account, it is only him I remembered when. It is in the last Tuesday of September four o'clock in the afternoon where the sun is starting to set. Then that moment I accepted him.

It makes me happy when he messaged me for the first time when he knew that we are going to change address. He asked me if I am okay or how did it happened. It is our first time to chat on each other but I already have a light feeling on him that I can talk to him comfortably and share my problems. He even said to update him if something happened and he was just there where I can always run to and talked to. It is my first time to experience that thing so because I am very happy, I immediately shared it to my friend which is a member of the student council also. She said that he was really like that, like he was easy to run to and make himself always available to help everyone. It is my first time to encounter that kind of guy.

After a year or so, the members of the student council had changed and he really resigned like everyone else. I know where he is coming from. I know the burdens he carry that makes him leave us. When the old student council president during our time year called us to have a group dinner, I know that I will see him again and I am looking forward for that. It is my first time to hear him sing and I think that I want to hear that voice forever.

I pretended to be happy and laughing when I heard that he already had a girlfriend or when they link him to my friend and mixed their names together when she share that they are always chatting each other and he is comforting him when she's ranting. I also wished to have a picture with him but it didn't happen yet I am still happy that even it is a group photo, we still sit next to each other while smiling.

He always share posts on his Facebook account like he was asking for a certain person's attention specifically the person he likes. Me and my friends are puzzled who is that person yet deep inside I am having a little hope that it was me even it is very super impossible, not in a million years. It is still make me curious who that girl is.

It is the first month of the year and I am looking for a boarding house because it is needed for my internship in graduating college. I already asked my friends on Facebook even we are not so close. I just swallow my pride and messaged them because I really need one that time. He also came into my mind, I still remember when he says that if I need help I can ask him and run to him. I still little bit shy because we are not so close and we didn't chat each other for a long time. When we changed address that was the first and last time we talked online, even in personal we don't talk that much from each other. My friend who always chat him and I know that they have a more deeper relationship than we had and they are close, I think so I asked her to kindly message that man for me and asked if he knows some vacant rooms on the area. She said that she was also shy and they are not that close. The last time she messaged him, he didn't reply so she's bit shy to take the first move to message him again. So I take all my courage to message him to ask if he know a vacant room. I thought he ignored me so I feel pissed at him so even I got entertained on his posts I don't react not like in the past. After how many days, he messaged me with the picture of the vacant room and said 'Sorry late reply'. It makes me feel guilty because it looks like he really searched a vacant room for me and that is why he didn't messaged me for these past few days. I am touched a little on what he did even I don't feel any emotion on his message so I just thank him for the effort.

You and your best friend invited me for a lunch. It was just your best friend who called me and you just came along. I don't know what got into him for the sudden invitation. When we are in the restaurant, I seems like I am seeing a familiar places. And I am not mistaken, it is my twin friends way back in high school. I sit on their table and the two of you sit next to ours.

We start by asking each other on how we have been like we didn't see each other for ages even we still talk or communicate through texts. I know where this conversation will going to, it is always like that. Even how much I try to change the topic they still insist to bring him up. My biggest high school crush, the man in eye glasses which is their cousin also. They always give me updates about him and asking when I will confess. Little did they know that I already did through txt though because I am too shy in person. We just graduated high school that time and it is my first year in college. I was in line going to the transportation way home when I send him the message and I add a 'hahaha' at the end of the confession to not make me too embarrassed and he replied saying, 'thank you hahaha'. Actually I already typed the message yet I am still thinking of sending it or not and I accidentally pressed the send button when I get in the car.

Their next news about him makes me shock. I thought that they are kidding like they always do to make me confess to him. How I wish I have the courage like my classmate in high school that she always confesses to her crushes one after another even she got rejected for how many times.

"He is getting married" That is the first phrase that came out of the mouth of one of them. At first I don't really believe, I even laugh thinking it was a joke yet they look so serious. "He got drunk and make a girl pregnant" "What?! That isn't true. You are just kidding right? I know that he will never do that. Yes, he is horny sometimes but he will not go on that level even he is drank" "It is true. He will become a father and they agreed to get married" "Am I invited" "Donny!" "What?!" "Are you okay?" "Is the girl beautiful?" That is always my question whenever I heard that there is a girl surrounding him. Is she beautiful? Is she much better than me? I hate these insecurities. They showed me her picture and yes she is a beauty. "Ahhh… she's pretty. I get it" "Are you okay?" "Of course I am" "Are you not affected" "Why would I? I already moved on, that was four years ago. I already moved on" I know that you can hear our conversation yet I don't care. I feel like my heart is hurting. As tears started to flow into my eyes. I don't know where is this coming from. I don't know why I feel so affected when I know that I already moved on. I already forgot about that guy. My eyes are teary when I excused myself to go home first.

I don't know why I feel so affected on that news when I really have forgotten him. However, I admit there is still a little space for him in my heart. I still have a question, 'what might have been' in my mind if I didn't that coward and I did not ignore him. What change might happen to me?

I hate it that I feel that my crown and throne has been stolen. Now I realize the pain when Justin Bieber says, "That should be me". That should be me who saw you first thing in the morning and before I sleep at night. That should be me who go home with you from church. That should be me, the one you are washing the clothes. That should be me, the person you like teasing. That was me you used to give that kind of smile. You are smiling the same but to a different person anymore. That should be me practicing the choir with you. Because it's me, it's just me before, it should be me.

I want to hate you like it was my job to do so. I want to curse you to the fullest. I want to regret the times we spend together. I want to regret meeting you but thinking of all those years having you in my life, I can't do it. I can't hate you and regret those things because it makes me the happiest and it makes me of who I am today. I just hate that I always wonder what you are doing or do you already falling on that girl. Well, I can't blame you, she's way to perfect than me. Maybe you two are good for each other. She can catch up in everything you do. I hate how coward I am.

When you are in front of me, I am pushing you away but when you are not in my sight I am looking for you. I want to let you go but I am afraid. I am afraid that things might repeat. You know what happened in my high school, I let go of the guy I really want the most because I got scared. Scared that my love won't return. I thought I will forget him easily once I got into college and yet even how many man passed in my life. In the end of the day, I still look for him anyway. It took me years to forget him. I don't want that to happen even I am thinking the same thing again. We are graduating in college now and meet again new people going on a different fields once we entered the real world. I am scared that once I let you go, I might not hold your hand again yet I am scared to like you because I know that it is only me feeling this way. I kept on telling myself that I prefer to problematize my thesis. I prefer to think about what my job will be in the future. I'd rather think of something else than you. I am still puzzled of what your sisters meant when they said, "Don't lose, you should too" all of a sudden.

I smiled automatically whenever I remember the third of January. It was tiring and pissing yet I have fun. This classmate that I always bully and never fight back chatted me to meet in the school to pass our thesis books together. When I arrived he asked me if what I am carrying is heavy. I said yes so he volunteered to carry it for me until we reached the department faculty which is really a far building from where we met. We are together waiting for our adviser the whole time going back and forth. He even treat me a fare and we both are wearing white t-shirt. He even volunteered to carry heavy things for me when we helped the teachers carrying their things in moving office. The whole day until I got home I am smiling. He is a gentleman that is hard to find in every part of the world. I thought that if I can't have you then I would rather chose him.

If other people were praying he would be, that they would be able to stay with the person they love and be with for life. I am different, God knows how much I prayed every night that please, please not you. Any other people but you. I don't want you to be my forever, I don't want you to be the one. He knows how much I beg. I still dream of you at night and still hated you. I asked Him why He let me dream of you countless times, then until one night I gave up. I prayed that. "Okay, I gave up. If You really want him for me then okay, I will going to accept it. Your plans are the best anyway" Even though, I still hate you and myself that I fall for a person like you.

Do you know that every time I heard the song, "I wanna grow old with you" I cried while thinking of you. I mean my tears will automatically fall when that song is played but I still downloaded it anyway. I always sang that song and cry at the same time, it makes me teary yet I want to keep singing it while thinking of you, imagining my future with you.

I wanna grow old with you

I wanna die lying in your arms

I wanna grow old with you

I wanna be looking in your eyes

I wanna be there for you

Sharing in everything you do

I wanna grow old with you

I and my classmates are assigned in one of the agencies to be our place for on-the-job-training in order for us to graduate. I know that you are working yet I don't have an idea that it was that agency. I don't know why I am in tears when I saw you standing in front of me. I should have hate that we are going to work every day together for three months. Do you think it is tiring? I mean since we are five, we already seeing each other's faces until know. Do you think it is tiring already? My classmates says you are handsome, then I feel that they are going to snatch you away from me like what that girl is doing.

I kept on telling that guy's name. I kept on calling him on purpose to see how you would react specially that we are just working on the same table. One classmate gave you a cup of coffee that is obviously she's flirting with you. "Are you drinking coffee?" I asked. "I drink coffee" "Liar, we are both drinking only milk" "Do you want this coffee?" "I told you, I only drink milk" "Why are you acting like that" "Whaat, I am just saying that you don't drink coffee" I know that the others are already watching us for our voice are getting their attention. "So you want me to throw this?" "Why don't you drink it since you said that you drink coffee" "Is there something wrong" "Nothing, is there something wrong?" "Then why are you acting like that?" "What? Is it wrong to give my opinion" "You are acting cold, that is not so you" "What do you know about me, I am acting normally" "You don't want me to be here" "Why of all places, I know that you are working but I didn't know that it is here" "So you don't want to see me" "Yes, I don't want to see every single inch of you. I want to wish to get you out of my life, I want you to never show in front of me again" "Do you hate me, do you hate me that much? Why can't you just love me" "Why would I love a person who doesn't love me back" "What if I do" "Liar, why don't you just go back to that girl" "Are you jealous?" "No, why would I" "She's just fit for you" "What if the person I like is you" I know that my tears was about to flow anytime but I am preventing it trying to act tough. "Liar, don't make fun of me" "Why don't you love me" "Because you are Jonathan Jacob Cruz. I would love you if you are not him" You became speechless that time and never saw you again in the agency. My classmates are asking what our relation would be. Even I is puzzled, what are we?

I thought I would never see you again. I am starting to smile again, even it is not that wide nor that true. I saw you in the fast food chain where we are going to eat with my friends. When I saw you on the table next to ours, our eyes met. I want to move out, walk away but I know that my friends won't agree so I sit and act like we are strangers. The next thing I knew is you are already sitting in front of me. "Why are you here" "I like you. All this time I like you" "That joke again?" "Why is it too hard for you to believe" "Look at me, take a look the whole of me. Do you think someone will fall for a person like me? I'm the type of woman you can't be proud of with your family and friends. I'm the type of woman you weren't tall when you hold my hand in a public place. You can't shout my name and said that you love me. I'm the type who is easy to leave. Am not lovable and easy to replace. Do you still like me?" "You are making yourself small" "Because that is the truth! I want to hate you but I can't. I feel so small when I am with you. Like I am just a nobody" "So you don't like me" "I want to, I want to not like you but I am afraid to let you go. Do you know what keeps playing on my mind? When we were kids, people are saying that we look good together. Now that we grow up, do we still look good together?" "What do you think?" "No, because you are better off to the person who is at your level. My kind is not your type in the first place. I kept thinking of the negative things about you but it is not enough cause if you have negative things, you have more positive that I look for a man. You have the things I wrote in my checklist yet I can't still accept and love you" "If that is the thing then I understand" then he stand and leave. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. There I shed all my tears that I had previously suppressed. My friends are right, I'm brave in everything, I can fight with big people but I give up so easily when it comes to love.

After three months, we both graduated from different schools. We never saw each other again. I wish that we will never be.