Haggard

Excerpt Johan's Journal

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No matter how many times I look at Lisa's face and how many times brainwash myself, I cannot bring myself to say or think about the word 'love' ❤. If she askes me if I love her, I probably would not be able to answer and would stutter for a pretty long time, that's how terrible I am right now *sign*.

She was the goddess in my heart 😇 🧚‍♀️ 👸 for a long time, she was an angel to me and I was infatuated with her but thought it was love, ah teenage love. It was infatuation, lust, you name it but was never love, took me long to realise that. I never loved her, still do not love her and probably never will.

I did Rose wrong and probably should not try to do another girl wrong. I should wait and see if I can be with Lisa and if I cannot I will let her down gently but not break her heart like I did Rose.

Over the years, I have done Rose really bad. I never was a good boyfriend and now that I think about it I don't know what she loved about me. Was it money? Her family was pretty rich not as much as mine but not too far off either. Was it my looks? Thousands of handsome boys would line up if she asked them to and besides she was breathtakingly beautiful so guys would be at her beck and call if she wanted, Lisa is no way near as beautiful as her so I must have really blind to choose Lisa over her.

I was not even charismatic so what exactly did she like about me. She did not seem to be the 'good girl that loves bad boys' type so what exactly did she like about me. I do not understand now and probably never will.

Once upon a time, I found her loving me satisfying for my ego but other than that did not care but right now I would give anything to hear her say that she loved me . I guess good things only come once and if you lose it you lose if for life 😔.

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It's a new month and I would give anything to have Rose with me. I keep on repeating myself, saying the same words, sentences, but at this juncture I do not care I just want my Rose 🌹back and for 'Jose' to stand tall and strong ⚘, and not fall 🥀.

Could Lisa have done some voodoo on me? Was that my I was blind. My parents loved her and she loved them 😍 🥰💞 why didn't I love her? I feel like crying hard 😭, puking blood 🤢🩸🩸🩸 whenever I think of Lisa.

I was taught to be a gentleman so why did I stray. Why did I cheat and ruin a perfectly good relationship? We were okay, we were perfect but I just had to destroy it. Temptations could destroy a relationship and I let them destroy a relationship. Our ship, 'Jose', sank not to be seen again, hopefully not never to be seen again.

They say you can't force love but if I could I would. If I could go back in time, I would force myself to see all she had done and make myself realise earlier that I loved her 😍 ❤ ♥ and if I did not love her at that point I would force myself to.

I would appreciate her and would never cheat, but it's too late for that now. What's gone is gone I guess.

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I can't help but write about Rose every single day. She is always on mind, 24 / 7 and I just can't help but regret my past actions.

There's always one phrase on my mind and that's 'you never know what you have until you lose it'. I constantly think about it, you never know what you have until you lose it. I always knew what it meant but never fully understood it but now I do.

It has been a little over a month since Rose and I, 'Jose', ended. Back then I did not feel or care much but now I do. Heart wrenching, heart breaking 😔 💔 pain is what I feel all day long. I am in constant agony but I cannot complain since I brought it all upon myself, boohoo 😭 *other crying sounds* 😭 😭 😭 I will never be stupid again 😭 😭 😭.

I had thought little of the situation and moved on with Lisa, like I had always dreamed. Little did I know I was trading a jewel 💎 for a common roadside rock 🪨, Rock is useful but Jade is more useful and prettier.

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Author : Jade might not be more useful in reality but you get the gist. Johan is trying to say something like he threw gold away for rubbish

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I never understood all what Rose did for me, her impact on my life, her importance until she left me. Till now, I do not understand why she loved me? why did she stay for 5 years? I masked my true feelings with indifference and acted like I did not care about her, but she did not say a word and continued to love me.

Lisa was not who I thought she was, who she portrayed herself to be. Rose was 1000 times better than Lisa, she was my dream girl and I threw her away. I should have gone to beg Rose for her forgiveness 🥺 😥 😢 😭 🙏 🌹 ⚘ 💐 😚 🤗 💏 💑 instead of expecting and waiting for her to come running to me.

It's too late now, Rose is too far gone. She had soared too high for me. I might never be able to get her back and would regret it for the rest of my life. She is akin to a phoenix with her fiery red hair 👩‍🦰 and her 'I will rise up again' spirit, I should have never let her go.

She has left the ground, is soaring and exploring the sky which is definitely not a limit, while I am stuck on the ground millions of miles away from her. I wish I had appreciated what I had with you but its too late 😔 for repairs. I will miss you, I understand my feelings now and know I love you. I love you ❤ 💓 💗 💖 and probably always will.