Where is he?

For the past few weeks, I've been scarcely alive. I mean, I don’t know what to cognizance, conceive, or express anymore. All of these felt so fabled to me. I couldn’t even create by mental act what it feels like to be blissful or enlivened any longer.

The world is so impartial to me. My parents left me, and now Nathan. I tried to trill the hefty thought away, but every time I had the fortune to remember him, I choked back a sob. I miss him so much, and there’s nothing I can’t do about it.

“Look at me.”

I didn’t do what he uttered as he kept on hammering on me. It’s weary, and I don’t have the vigor to even come, but he forcefully grabbed my jaw and successfully made me look him consecutively in the eyes. He looks aggravated, as common. When does he even look lively? Every time I could detect him, he didn’t look…contented. As if the world was unfair to him too.

He stopped when he realized I was not enjoying it. He pulled out and showed me his fangs and claws. He transformed into a half-wolf once again and howled like a famished creature primed to roughshod me. He grabbed my upper body and lifted my feature, caressing the flesh and making a line with his pointy nails.

“You’re being arduous, Natasha.”

I didn’t look him in the eyes as they were suctioning me into an unfathomable dark space that makes my whole system controlled by him. I don’t want to be submissive to him. He would savor every minute I obeyed him.

I always do what he wants me to do. From tailing him, kneeling for him, cooking for him, feeding him, exposing my soul to him…he saw everything. He destroyed my ego, my pride, my womanhood. To the point, I don’t know what my intention is anymore.

Is it worth it to be spirited? Is it worth it to be here? Alive but not living?

My emotions were all swelling up to me, and I didn’t realize I was having a mental breakdown. I felt Ethan tense a little when he saw me crying. I was trying hard not to make any racket as I was appalled he would slash my neck in half, but I didn’t care anymore. He can terminate me if he wants to. He can throw me away if he’s willing to.

I feel disgusted by my own body. I want to throw myself into a pit.

“What are you doing?”

I obstructed, my lips shaping into an 'O'. This time, I was assured to look him in his eyes. I can't believe him. My fear and lugubriousness were all gone and replaced with an intense emotion most people couldn't control. I couldn't depict what he's thinking, but as his eyes are following my tears and it drops on his flesh, he looks at it. No emotion is evident on his face.

“A-are you serious right now?” disbelief was recognizable in my tone. He didn’t say anything as he just watched me go berserk.

“I’m crying, can’t you see? I’m damaged! I don’t want to be here anymore! I want you just to kill me right now! Fuck life! What’s even the purpose of it?”

I bit my bottom lip and covered my face with my palms as my tears won't stop from dropping. I loathe this. He's devising wicked thoughts of me deep inside of his foolish mentality. He loves it, I know that, but why am I giving him the satisfaction? To see me breaking down and begging for him just to end my life.

“ I hate you, Ethan! I despise you all my life! I’m never going to forgive someone like you! You’re nothing compared to your twin! You’re selfish, rascal, imbecile, and a jerk who doesn’t even know what life is!”

His eye twitched, and I saw something that triggered him. His fangs showed, and it shone directly in my vision. He pushed me on the bed and forced his body on my top. He put all his weight on me as if he’s crushing me. His claws were wrapped around my neck. The pointy nails are digging into my flesh. I couldn’t breathe properly as he was not processing straight anymore.

“How dare you! After saving your life, this is what you repay me?!”

I coughed multiple times as I held his pulse, trying to breathe for air. He’s going demoniacal. I can sense the pure range in his atmosphere. He brought up his hand and sharp claws. Memories flashed before my eyes as my chest bobbed up and down heavily and intensely. This is it. I’m going to die, but why am I frightened? As if I’m not really ready to give up?

I closed my eyes and tried to unwind myself. I know this is not the right time to do it, but I want to feel the peaceful moment before I can pass away. I don’t want to die being afraid. You know the feeling you want to sleep and the following day, you’re gone? You didn’t feel any aggravated emotions. You were peaceful, as if life wasn’t bothering you the moment you disappeared.

But seconds of waiting for him to slash my flesh, nothing happened. I can hear his deep gasping. I gradually opened my eyes to see him taking deep breaths. His eyes were closed, and he was chanting something under his breath. I couldn’t hear what he was saying. We stayed in that position for many minutes before he unlatched his eyes, and I saw something in them. I knew what it was, but before I could reach him, he snarled at me then he left me alone. He vanished again in just a blink of an eye.

I waited for him to come back, even though I knew it was a block headed idea after almost taking my life. But after days of waiting, he didn’t return.

“Uhm…Natasha…”

As I was traveling to my next class, someone called my name. From the pitch of his voice, I recognized who he was. I turned around and met Carls eyes. He’s troubled as he is, looking for someone I think who it is.

“Is Nathan around? He might kill me this time.”

I shook my head, and he sighed in relief. He gave me his binder, which has layers of paper. From the looks of it, I think I’m going to be occupied. I involuntarily smile at him to encourage him. I’m going to have some fun doing the task, which is not. I’m cursing him inside my head.

“Good, you’re the one who will proofread this and encode it after. I’m expecting a deadline by the next day.”

I gestured my head, and he walked away. When I was left alone, I couldn’t help but feel the emptiness streaming through my entire system. I felt like a part of me was missing; I couldn’t pique what it was. I heaved a deep sigh and just went on with my day.

“You’re such a disappointment, Natasha! You almost killed her!”

The manager threw the products on the floor, scattered in each corner. I gulped in reverence as I shivered on my spot. He’s raging mad as he keeps on shouting at me. Some of my co-workers just backed away, feigning not to hear anything. I held back my tears when he seized me in my arms and pointed his finger at me.

“I-I’m so s-sorry-” he didn’t let me finish my sentence as he pushed me on my back, cursing.

“Just go back to work! God, you’re stressing me! If you don’t do it right this time, I will fire you!”

Giving her a peanut butter sandwich sample for the new product that launched this week was a misapprehension, and our store manager chose me instead to provide a free example. It’s not my intent to nearly kill her. I didn’t know she had allergies. I tried to rationalize, but they shut me up.

Some of my co-workers discussed me behind my back as I am trying not to throw up my emotions. I feel like something is blocking my throat. I inhaled sharply and just did my job.

While walking on the side road to go home, I couldn’t help but to look up and ascertain how bright the full moon was. She’s so beautiful today. I wish I could reach her and embrace her. It somehow gave me comfort despite the atrocious things that happened to me today. Earlier I wanted to break down and decant all my tears out, but now I had the chance to do it. I couldn’t find myself letting a teardrop on my cheeks.

The wind blew sparingly, and I hugged myself as my hair scattered all over my face. I looked forward to hearing the commotion. I saw a bunch of guys heading towards my way. I looked at my phone to face what time it was, and I saw it was already midnight.

I look to my left and right to run on the other side of the road because I don’t have a good feeling about this. One guy blew a long whistle as I was about to walk away.

“What do we have here? A lady!”

Something tells me this is not going to be my night. I gulped as I tensed on my spot. I look at the man and involuntarily let out a smile. I departed, but he caught my arm, forcing me to return to my exact spot. I shriek a little.

“Hey, how are you?” a man who is taller and bulkier creepily smiled at me.

“A-ahm…hi, I was just about to-” the man yanked me towards him making me stop mid-air and landed on his massive chest. My eyes widened in fear as I tried to escape his clench, but his hands were more potent than mine.

“Oh! We’re also going home! Want us to walk you there?” another man touched my hair, and I felt him sniffing it. The back of the hair on my neck rose in great anxiety. This is not good. I am outnumbered. My heart started to beat so fast I couldn’t even keep up with my breathing.

“I-I’m sorry, please let go of me. I can take care of myself.” I pried away from the man’s grip, and I walked hurriedly, away from their gaze. But as I tried to keep my pace quicker, I took a glance from my shoulder and saw them following me. When I ran, that’s where the trouble began.

Because they started to sprint, following me with their devilish looks, hungry for meat.