Baby Banter

The clock ticks away slower than ever as I sit on the couch, my hands folded neatly in my lap, my back straight. I stare at the clock tauntingly, like, maybe if I stared at it for long enough, it would be intimidated and give in, rushing to the next hour.

Luckily, Julian is never fashionably late, he's always fashionably early.

He bursts through the door, not even bothering to knock, and skids into the living room. I turn and face him, jumping up. I'm wearing a plain black oversized tee and gray sweats with fuzzy pink-and-white polka dot socks, my hair pulled up messily into a ponytail. My glasses slide slowly down my nose as I fidget around, trying to get as much movement into my body as possible.

"What is going on?" Julian asks loudly, panting heavily. "I just sprinted here from my house!"

I blink and stop moving. "Julian, why didn't you get a ride? Or just walk?"

"Uh, because you texted 'SOS!'" Julian shouts, opening his phone and aiming it at me, showing me the text I sent him ten minutes ago.

"Yeah!" I don't see his problem. "What's your point?"

He rolls his eyes. "Blanca, do you know what SOS means?"

"Of course!" I smile. "It means 'Super Outstanding Story!'"

Julian scoffs. "You–"

"I was kidding," I say, dragging him upstairs. "But for reals, I do have a super outstanding story, and also, I do kind of need help. Mental help." I glance back at Julian, who looks confused and a little scared if I'm being honest. "Like, a lot." I know I'm totally leading him on, making him think that something really bad happened, but he'll be squealing and laughing and celebrating and possibly crying with me in a few minutes. There also may be a possibility that both of us will have corresponding panic attacks at the same time.

We sit on the soft carpet in my room and I take a deep breath as I cross my legs. "Okay. Here comes the news. This may take a moment for me to get emotionally prepared for what I am about to say." I look at Julian, sitting across from me. He looks absolutely petrified. I breathe again and grin. "I have a boyfriend!"

Julian remains still, a scared and shocked expression on his face. He blinks a couple of times and suddenly, he's jumping up and down, his head nearly bumping the ceiling and flying out the roof. He finally settles down and takes my hands. "Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh," he says so quickly, it takes me a moment to realize what he's saying.

"I know!" I say breathlessly. We take a moment to calm down and sit on the ground again, regaining our composure.

"Tell me everything," Julian says.

So I do. I tell him that Curt's was a great spot and give him kudos for that, I tell him that I was super nervous when it took him forever to ask, and I told him I said yes. Julian shrieked out of pure excitement and paused.

"What happened next?" he asks.

I shrug. "He was really happy. We tried to drop it, though, act like everything was normal, just like usual. We didn't want to make everything weird all of a sudden now that we're…" It still felt weird to hear the words 'boyfriend and girlfriend' come out of my mouth when I'm not talking about one of my favorite rom-coms. I smile softly at myself, and it feels like my stomach is giggling with me like all of my insides are bubbling with pleasure and excitement. Julian squeals again and sighs.

"So, now what?" he asks.

And that's a really good question. Now what? How am I supposed to know? I mean, it's not like you come into this life with blueprints and instructions. That would be super useful. It's like, plans that your subconscious made, so it's still your life, but you at least know what to do next. I could really use some life blueprints. Especially now. I've never been in a relationship, and the closest thing to having one has been being best friends with Julian. Both of us are so touchy, we practically drape over each other all the time. We could totally pass as a couple if we wanted to. We're such intimate friends, and being around each other is so familiar. Of course, I have nothing like that with Alden. We met five years ago and I still barely know anything about him.

I shrug. "I don't know. What is there to do? Shouldn't we just… be?"

Julian smiles warmly. "That's so cute."

"What?" I fumble with my fingers and look down. I feel so embarrassed for whatever reason. I've never really felt embarrassed because of Julian before. I feel so vulnerable and exposed to him in such a good way. I feel like I can tell him anything without feeling embarrassed and I know he wouldn't bat an eyelash. It's probably because neither of us has dated before. We have this new experience in our friendship that neither of us has ever had before. We don't know how to handle it.

"You're just so comfortable already," he says, smiling. "You aren't too scared to feel like you need a step-by-step plan for every move you make in your relationship."

I snort. "He asked me to be his girlfriend an hour ago. I don't think we've really made any moves in our relationship yet."

Julian grins. "You know what I mean."

* * *

I hear the front door slam downstairs and my eyes flick to my glowing green alarm clock and mutter under my breath. I shut my computer and slide it under my bed, I'm already in my pj's, so I take a breath mint and tiptoe downstairs, making sure not to scare Mom. I hear soft clutter in the kitchen and peek around the corner. Mom unloads a plastic bag from the grocery store, piling a bunch of groceries onto the counter. She's still in her dark blue scrubs with her white-and-light-blue polka dot thermal shirt underneath. She sighs loudly and leans on the counter, sounding utterly and completely exhausted. Even though she has been going to work at three and coming home at one like every night for the past weeks since I first went out with Alden, it feels like I haven't seen her in forever.

Mom turns around and inhales a short breath, slapping her palm to her chest. "Qué susto, mi amor!" she pants breathlessly. She shakes her head. "What are you doing up? It's nearly two in the morning!" She plants her hands on her hips and raises an eyebrow.

"Sorry, I was catching up on homework," I say apologetically. What was I really doing? I was writing multiple drafts to prepare myself for telling Mom about Alden. Yes, I have not told her yet. I know, shocker. I just don't know how to tell her. Mom's teenage dating experience was different than mine, like, by a long shot.

Part of the reason (Matty disagrees with me, but this is my personal opinion) my parents got a divorce was because it was a hot mess from the beginning. Dad was a house on fire and Mom was a gallon of gasoline, thinking she could put out the flames. My dad had dated at least ten women only a couple of months before he met my mom. She had never gone out on a date. Not one. Her mother believed that she had to wait until she was sixteen, and my mom respected that rule. Then, when Mom turned fifteen, she met Dad. She fell head-over-heels for him and they started dating in secret.

Then, when my mom turned sixteen, my dad knocked her up. My grandma was furious and threatened to kick her out and 'see how she liked it, living her own life like she always wanted.' Luckily, grandpa kept my abuela at bay until Mom was eighteen.

So, in Mom's senior year, Matty came into the world. She was only seventeen, so Matty spent the first six months of his life in my grandparent's house. Abuela didn't talk to Mami for a month after Matty was born, so Mom was stuck taking care of Matty by herself while Dad was working, trying to earn some money to support his unwanted surprise family. Finally, grandma started helping out, and when Mom turned eighteen, she was ready to take care of Matty herself. Grandma had grown fond of Matty and even my dad and was even a little hesitant to have Mom leave. But she had it together, and she needed to get on with her life. She and my dad moved into a small apartment at the edge of Minnesota, about five hours from my grandparents'. Once Matty turned one, Dad was able to get flexible hours for his job at the small chain restaurant downtown so he could take care of him while Mom started going to school to become a CNA. After I was born in 2006, we moved to Tennessee. I lived most of my life there until 2017, when we moved to San Diego. We moved because of the divorce. Mom found out that Dad hadn't exactly been cheating on her, but he had developed an inappropriate relationship with one of his coworkers. He started working at a steakhouse that was about twenty minutes from our house and he confessed one night that he had feelings for her.

That night, Mom and Dad got into a big fight. One of Dad's other coworkers, Johnny, who was still a good family friend, contacted Mom and told her about Dad and the woman, Colleen. Johnny said that one evening, when he was closing up, he found the two in a closet, uncomfortably close to each other. She and Dad got into a screaming fit, shrieking horrible things at each other. Matty and I sat in his room, just down the hall from theirs, leaning on each other and crying silently. The next day, Mom and Dad came to talk to us, saying that they were filing for a divorce.

I think I saw Mom's heart break that night.

A year later, we moved here, to San Diego, and Mom has never been the same. She enjoys working more hours because she can't bear coming home to see her two 'heartbroken children' sitting alone at home. I guess she doesn't realize that the more hours she works, the more 'heartbroken' Matty and I get. She doesn't talk to us as much and spends most of her downtime in her room with the TV blasting. Sometimes when she asks if Matty or I want to call our Dad, she gets mad when we say no, saying that he did 'so much for this family' and 'we should be grateful' because 'he put most of the food on the table.' She acted like he was working in L.A. and sending all his earnings to us, like he was still providing for us, like he cared about us.

Dad called Matty and me every Sunday after we moved in July.

He stopped calling in August.

I don't think I've talked to him since I started seventh grade.

The only reason I know anything about Colleen and him and their kids, Maddie, Emmaline, and Kyle (such basic names, I might add), is because Mom still stalks his social media, looking through all his posts of him and his family. I guess she still wants to feel connected with him, like he's still a part of our lives. Well, of her life. She knows that Matty and I don't want anything to do with the guy, but she still gets angry when we tell her. She feels like we're betraying him, or maybe her? She's been so sensitive since the divorce. It's been really hard on Matty and me, like we're walking on eggshells for her.

Mom shakes her head and clicks her tongue. "Mija, we talked about this. Your homework shouldn't cost you more than two hours. Your teachers make sure of that."

I raise my eyebrows.

"They know that you have nine other classes that you have homework to catch up on," Mom says in her motherly voice, loading groceries into the fridge. "They wouldn't give you more than you can handle."

Even though I wasn't doing homework, I know that's not true. I'm pretty sure our teachers are trying to fail us in not only their class, but in every other class you're taking. My teachers drown me in homework, it's ridiculous.

I ignore Mom's assumption and wonder if I should tell her about Alden now. I take a breath, but Mom takes a quicker one.

"Go to bed," she says forwardly, not wasting a second of time. "You're not going to be able to woke up tomorrow morning, and I don't want you to be late."

I start to walk down the hallway, but Mom keeps talking. "You know, school matters, mija."

"I know, Mami," I say. We've had this conversation a million times already.

"Your schoolwork influences your entire future," Mom drones, following me up the first step. "Whether you get an A or a B in history will determine whether you get into a good college. You never know what assignment can crush or redeem your grade–"

"Yes, Mami, I understand," I say gently, climbing the stairs.

"Then why are you still up doing homework?" Mom suddenly stopped a couple steps behind me and leaned on the banister. I halt and look behind me.

"Mamá," I say softly, "I've got my schoolwork under control."

I'm gonna be honest. Matty's not doing so well. He's got an average of B's and a few C's. I know that Mom's really worried about him, which is why she's hounding me so hard about mine. I just wish she understood that we aren't exactly like each other. It's as if Mom thinks Matty and I are the same person, only Matty is the first pancake, the guinea pig, and I'm the kid that she can try and fix before I fall apart. It also makes me upset that she tries to hard to make sure I don't 'end up like Matty,' as she's told me before, because I know that Matty is trying his best, he just struggles.

Mom sighs. "I know. Goodnight." She brushes past me and takes a sharp turn to the right, shutting her door promptly behind her.

I close my eyes and take a breath before retreating back to my room.

* * *

"Alden is not doing that." Julian walks beside me, hugging his books against his chest.

"Why? It could be fun!" I skip beside him. "Besides, I thought you were all for this relationship. Now all of a sudden, you're against him like he's come to kick you out of my life!"

Julian laughs and shakes his head. "I am not against him," he says. We turn the corner and stroll down the hallway. "I just don't want to be in the middle of you guys. I'm against myself, Blanca."

I burst out laughing, holding my side. We stop mid-hallway and Julian waits impatiently for me to calm down. Okay, I know I'm being ridiculous. If I didn't have a boyfriend, I wouldn't be practically collapsing onto the ground, laughing myself to tears. I'm just so giddy, it's stupid, to be honest. I'm never like this. I was skipping a minute ago. Literally skipping. Who am I?

It sounds like I'm criticizing myself, but really, I love this. I love that I have a boyfriend.

After I finally stop laughing, I straighten up and we keep walking. "Don't be against yourself, Julian. Just eat with us. Literally, Alden asked me, like he needed permission."

Julian stops in his tracks and takes my shoulders, twisting my body towards his. "Okay, Blanca, here's something you need to learn. Lunch is a sacred thing. I can't take away the sacredness of your lunch with Alden. Oh, I failed to mention that this is your first lunch with Alden."

It's funny how seriously Julian is taking this, but he's always been a bit of a drama queen. "It doesn't bother me, Julian!" I say, smiling broadly. "I actually would rather you're there with me. I don't want to be alone with him." He looks at me with an unconvinced face and crosses his arms. I take a breath and pull this pouty face with big, googly eyes. "I'm scared, Julian!" I knead my fingers together and collapse to my knees on the tile floor, looking up at him, my bottom lip curled. I whimper stupidly like a dog. Is this humiliating? Yes. But is it necessary? Yes.

Julian rolls his eyes. "Get up."

We make our way another ten feet and stop outside Julian's math class. He sighs. "Fine." He glares at me and I grin. "I will eat lunch with you and Alden."

I smile. "Thanks!" I turn on my heel and sprint to geography before Julian can make any exceptions.

* * *

I swear, either Alden's fourth period class is excused ten minutes early or he has teleportation abilities, because he is alone at a table with his lunch before I can even make it into the lunchroom. I wave to him sort-of awkwardly and wait in the hot lunch line. I make my way through and walk over to Alden, my tray of steaming mashed potatoes and gravy luring me to pick up my fork before I even sit down.

"Hey." Alden is grinning ear to ear, and it is super contagious. I smile and look around. I spot Julian standing hesitantly at the cafeteria doors. I wave to him and motion for him to come over. He glares at me again as he sulks over. He nods at Alden and suddenly changes his whole appearance. His face lights up and he smiles brightly at Alden.

"Hey!" he says cheerfully. He sits next to me and swings his backpack off, pulling out his lunchbox (the lunchbox, I might add, he has owned since sixth grade). He unzips it and pulls out his ham and cheese sandwich.

Alden smiles. "Hi. I don't think we've met."

He's so formal. For some reason, it makes my stomach flutter. Why does Alden saying 'I don't think we've met' to Julian get me all mushy?

"I'm Julian. Blanca's my best friend," Julian says, taking a bite of his sandwich.

"Cool." Alden smiles at me and it makes me feel so good that my best friend and my boyfriend (still feels weird to say) are getting along. "Have you told him?" Alden asks softly.

I smile. "Yeah," I say shyly.

Julian grins. "Oh, she told me," he says. "By the way, I'm really happy for both of you."

Alden laughs lightly. "Thanks."

It feels so comfortable yet so awkward. It's like, Alden and Julian aren't being weird towards each other, but they're not warming up to each other very quickly either.

I regret begging Julian to sit with us. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad to sit alone with Alden.

After lunch, I wave goodbye to Alden and walk with Julian to fifth period.

"So?" I mumble.

"What?" Julian responds, trying to avoid the fact that our lunch was sufficiently awkward.

"How do you feel?"

Julian chuckles. "You're asking me how I feel after sharing a meal with your new boyfriend?"

I shrug. "Well you didn't want to, so I wondered if your mind changed…"

Julian smiles. "Well, I liked to watch your little baby banter."

I snort. "'Baby banter?'"

Julian nods. "Yeah!" he says, like it's a phrase as commonly known as 'a piece of cake.' "Banter when you're new to the relationship. You're like babies. Bantering babies."

* * *

"Smile!"

Matty's lips curve ever so slightly, and he awkwardly shines his top row of teeth.

Michelle cocks her head away from the big camera so Matty can see her face. "Like you mean it," she says dully, swerving and hiding back in the camera.

Matty groans. I shift on my feet beside Michelle. He grins a toothy grin that is definitely not his, but Michelle has given up at this point, because she presses the button on top of the camera and it flashes. She takes it down from the tripod and examines the photo.

She leans the camera towards me and shrugs. "What do you think?"

I sigh. "Mom will take it."

Matty shakes his head and heaves himself up off of the stool. "Why does Mom want a different picture? My first one was fine!"

I stifle a laugh. "Um," I choke, "your first one didn't exactly satisfy her."

Matty glances at me in frustration and turns back to Michelle. "Can I see?"

Michelle hands him the camera and he shakes his head disapprovingly. "She's so demanding sometimes…" He hands the camera back and Michelle takes it and almost cradles it, like it's her child. "Sorry she made you take another."

Michelle shakes her head. "Hey, I won't turn down fifty bucks for a couple of bad photos."

Matty rolls his eyes as we bid Michelle goodbye. "I mean, fifty bucks, and for what? A picture that hardly differs from the first? Please."

I glance back at the school entrance, to find Michelle, but I see Tío Felix's car pull up, and she climbs in. Felix and Mom have never gotten along, but he practically disowned her when she got pregnant at sixteen. Mom never really understood why, since he was moved out and had a family of his own by then, but she and Felix didn't speak again for years. It was honestly surprising that Mom reached out to Michelle to retake Matty's picture. We all go to the same school; Michelle is Matty's age, and she's part of the yearbook committee. Felix was not happy about it, but since Michelle turned eighteen last month, he let her go.

We stroll down the sidewalk and for no reason at all, I feel the need to bug my brother. I sigh loudly and dramatically. "Why don't you have a car? I forget."

Matty side-eyes the heck out of me and rolls his eyes. "I can't afford one, obviously." He avoids my eyes deliberately.

I bite my lip, suddenly regretting the choice to make fun of him for never driving anywhere. We have Dad's car, but Matty hates driving it. He only ever drives it if it's an absolute emergency and Mom's not around. "Sorry," I say softly. "I know you're sensitive about it—"

"It's fine, Blanca, don't— just drop it."

I feel suddenly very uncomfortably. Suddenly. Okay, I probably shouldn't use that word. It's not like I don't know why I"m uncomfortable. Clearly, I've upset my brother and I feel bad and it's awkward now.

When we get home, Matty plants his hands on the counter and heaves a big sigh. "Sorry for getting mad earlier—"

I shake my head. "No, I'm sorry for bringing anything up. I know—"

There's a knock on the door and I eye Matty before going to answer it. I open the door, but no one is there. There are a lot of stupid kids in my neighborhood who like to doorbell ditch. I roll my eyes and I almost shut the door, but something at my feet catches my eye.

It's a pale, pastel pink package that's about the size of my palm. I pick it up gingerly and examine it more closely. It has a small pink ribbon that is slightly darker than the rest of the box. I turn on my heel and shut the door with my foot, still admiring the box. My face flushes and I feel like our house just jumped a hundred degrees. I turn sharply, about to head up the stairs, but Matty calls to me. "Who was it?" he asks curiously.

I hear him walking towards me and I panic, only I don't move. I don't know why. I feel betrayed by my feet, like all of a sudden they thought, why not mess up Blanca's life?

I don't feel like it's a good idea to tell Matty about Alden, and I'm not exactly sure why. I don't know if he wouldn't approve of Alden like in old movies or what, but I just felt like Matty didn't need to know yet.

But my thoughts basically are thrown out the window because Matty rests his head on the banister and stares at me. "Who's that from?" he asks, pointing at the package with his eyes. Even though I know he's honestly just ignorant and not angry whatsoever, I still feel like his eyes are fiery and burning through me.

I decide to cut the crap and I end up bursting it out, which was not the approach I was going for. "I have a boyfriend!" I kind of screamed it at him.

Matty takes a step back and stares at me with wide eyes. "What?"

I bite my lip. He just seems appalled, not upset, so I keep going. "Remember Alden?"

"The kid who brought your sketchbook?" Matty's eyes widen even further.

I nod. "We— um. Yeah."

Matty opens his mouth to say something, but the back door opens and I hear the garage close. Mom's home. My brain immediately flips the switch and goes full-on panic mode. I throw the package the rest of the way up the stairs (thank goodness we have carpet up there) and look at Matty with completely-serious eyes. "Matty, listen, don't tell mami, I don't want her to know yet—"

Matty scoffs. "You think I think that's a good idea?"

He smiles at me, and I can't help but grin knowing my brother still has my back.