The Edge

I'm panicking because it is nearly time for the turkey to come out of the oven, and Matty still isn't home. Mom's getting really suspicious and has been on my case for the last hour.

"Blanca Julieta, I have a feeling you know where your brother is," Mom repeats for the tenth time. "You can tell me the truth. You don't need to worry about getting punished, Matías is the one who has done wrong."

I know she's catching on because she says my middle name, but I shake my head as I lay the third plate down on the table in the spot Matty regularly sits. "He told me he was going to the store to get more beans," I say. I improvise, trying to come up with as many excuses as possible. "Maybe he just got stuck in traffic? Maybe there was an accident? There are a lot of variables, mamá."

Mom clicks her tongue and starts muttering under her breath about Matty and how much trouble he'd be in when he got home in Spanish.

As if by magic, the front door opens and Matty walks slowly inside, carrying a can of green beans. Thank goodness I went with that storyline. It would be incredibly suspicious if I told Mom Matty was getting more dinner rolls and he shows up with green beans. "I'm home," he says. I spot him in the hallway, and he eyes me nervously as he slips off his shoes.

Mom is at my side almost immediately, rushing towards my brother. "Matías Angelo Gómez," Mom snarls, pointing her forefinger threateningly at Matty, who backs away anxiously. "When I find out where you were this afternoon while your sister and I were slaving away, making the food you're about to eat, you won't be going anywhere near there for a month."

Matty's face falls. I am internally screaming. "Mami, I'm sorry." Matty glances at me. "I went to Isabela's house."

Mom falls silent, but only for a quick moment. "¿Que estabas pensando?" she shrieked. "¿Cómo pudiste abandonar a tu familia así? ¡Son vacaciones! ¡Las vacaciones son para la familia!" Mom was screaming at Matty in Spanish. Whenever she dropped into Spanish, we knew we were doomed. She pauses to take a breath. "I hope you are so happy that you went to see your girlfriend on Thanksgiving Day."

Matty inhales deeply through his nose but doesn't say anything. Mom puts her index finger and thumb to the bridge of her nose and rubs it promptly. "Go to bed, Matías. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night."

Mom turns back to me as Matty goes quietly up the stairs. "You may eat your dinner in your room tonight, amor." With that, she dishes herself a plate of turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, and microwaved green beans and runs away to her room, slamming the door behind her.

* * *

Julian opens the door with a big grin on his face. "What are you doing here?" he asks excitedly, but I brush past him, my arms wrapped around my waist tightly.

Julian's face falls instantly. "What's wrong?"

I've only been to Julian's Nana's house twice, but I remember it enough to know where the guest bedroom is. I walk down the hallway, beckoning Julian to follow. I turn right at the end of the hall and open the door to his room. He shuts it behind him as I sit on the bed. He seats himself on an armchair across from me. "What's wrong?" he repeats.

I sigh. "Matty got in trouble and I ate dinner alone in my room last night," I say, avoiding his gaze.

Julian remains silent. After a moment, he responds. "Why did you eat alone?"

"My mom banished Matty to his room and then hid away by herself like she always does." I can't help the words that pour out of my mouth. It might sound pathetic, but I can't stop my anger from seeping out. I've held it all for so long, it's just so painful. I try to hold it inside and lock it up because I know that my mom is just trying her best, but sometimes I really doubt that she is. It's like one moment, she's great, but she always has to go ruin it. It's just too hard to keep up with her.

Julian looks down and mumbles something to himself. I won't say he's always hated my mom, but I will say that I know he feels very strongly about her relationship with not only me but even with Matty. "So you just spent Thanksgiving alone on your bed?"

I nod slowly. "I didn't cry." I don't know why I feel the need to clarify that. Maybe it's because I feel like I need to owe Julian that? Or maybe I feel like I owe it to my mom?

No, that can't be it. I don't owe it to Mom that I didn't cry. Maybe I just feel pressured. I feel like I had to become an adult after Dad left. Mom would just sit in bed and cry. I had to make dinner for her when Matty wasn't around. Sometimes I even made dinner for him so my mom wouldn't have to worry about it. I've grown so accustomed to avoiding crying and being strong for my mother, that I can't cry when I want to. It's like the glands have disappeared, gone out the door, along with Dad.

Julian looks at me. "You should have come over. You should've called at least."

I shake my head. "Mom's got enough on her plate. A sneaking-out child would be the thing to tip her off the edge."

"Oh, she's off the edge, Blanca," Julian snaps. I don't think he means to snap at me, I just think he's upset, which is why I don't feel offended. "She feel off the edge the day your dad left. She hasn't been able to get up. She's been gripping the edge, trying to keep holding on, and you've been doing all that you can, but she is not trying anymore."

I stare at Julian. "You're the only thing that's keeping her up anymore," he says, his voice softening. "But she is not trying anymore, she is not doing her part. Usually, it's the parents who have to let go of their kids, but you're the kid. You need to let go of your parent."

I don't know what to say. I shake my head slightly. "Why?" I know it sounds stupid. But really, why? Is it so bad that I take care of my mom?

Julian frowns a little. "You need to take care of yourself, Blanca."

* * *

On Monday after school, I wander around the campus. Matty has some after-school meeting for a service club he's in, so I'm waiting outside for him to pick me up with some ride from one of his rich friends, like Theo.

My phone pings and I open a text from Alden.

Where are you?

I punch my fingers on the letters carefully. Still at school. Why?

Dots. He's typing.

Wanna get something to eat?

I glance at the top of the screen to read the time. 4:58. Matty should be done in a minute. Could you pick me up?

Alden sends a thumbs-up emoji. Be there in ten.

Suddenly, a door behind me bursts open, and a tall boy with bleach blond hair walks out, yelling at the people behind him. A mix of boys and girls stampede out the doors. I spot Matty's dark curly hair in the mass of heads and stand up from the concrete. He pries his way out of the people and almost falls on me. I think someone pushed him.

"How was it?" I ask, looking just past his shoulder at some kid in the middle who could've possibly shoved my brother.

Matty shrugs. "Fine. Just a meeting. Aren't meetings boring?"

I shrug back. "I dunno."

Matty motions me forward. "C'mon, I just texted Theo."

"Actually, I'm getting a ride," I say, staying on the sidewalk as he steps off onto the blacktop.

Matty looks back at me. "From who?"

"Alden." I hate the blush I know is spreading across my face.

Matty grins. "Alright. I'll go home with Theo."

Just then, Alden's car turns into the parking lot. He swerves lightly and parks next to me. "Hey!" he says. I saw Alden at lunch, where we had our post-Thanksgiving reunion, but I still am so thrilled that he's back. I open the passenger door and climb in, taking his hand almost instantly. Kind of makes me want to gag. The thing is, I don't want to gag because of Alden (obviously), I just want to gag because my whole life, I've never wanted to be the girl in rom-coms. As much as I adore rom-coms, I never wanted to be the girl who was overly obsessed with her boyfriend. Whenever we hold hands or anything, I try not to think too hard about it.

"Who's that?" Alden asks, turning towards me and squeezing my hand softly.

"Matty, my brother."

Alden rolls down his window and waves at Matty. "Hi! I'm—"

"Alden!" Matty practically squeals. I stifle a laugh. "Oh my gosh, I'm so happy to meet you!" He holds his hand out and I'm blushing so hard right now, you wouldn't know if the tomato was me or I was the tomato. Alden shakes my brother's hand and smiles, glancing back at me.

"You've heard of me?" he asks, grinning.

Matty nods his head, finally cooling down. "Yeah, Blanca tells me all about you."

Now I know he's just trying to embarrass me. "Okay," I say, interrupting their meeting. "Matty, go home."

Matty rolls his eyes. "Love you!" he shouts. I reach over Alden and roll up his window. He starts driving down the road.

"How was your day?"

"You mean after lunch?" I smile. "I mean, it was school, so, I guess as good as it gets. And by that I mean the same as always."

Alden chuckles. "Where do you want to go?"

I think in my head, wherever you go. This is the best I've felt in so long, I don't even know what was the best before this. I feel so in place. Like the last puzzle piece finally fit.

"The closest fast-food restaurant," I say out loud.

* * *

Alden drives up a narrow, winding road. "Where are we going?" I ask for the millionth time in the last five minutes.

Alden shakes his head. "You know that's not getting you anywhere." He looks over at me and smiles.

We've been driving up a canyon for the last hour and a half. It's funny, we've been talking the entire time, about whatever, but it seems like no time has passed and we haven't said a word. And I don't mean that in an awkward way. I mean that in a comfortable way. Like we can talk for an hour and not run out of things to talk about.

Finally, after ten minutes, I see the end of the road. "Yes!" I whisper, shooting my fist to the roof. Alden parks at the end of the road and I unbuckle myself. My breath is literally taken away.

We're on the edge of a cliff. I don't know how far down it goes because it's so dark, but I can see the city lights glittering, winking, and flickering at me. I put my hands to my mouth and gasp softly. "Oh my gosh."

I feel Alden come up behind me. He puts a hand on my waist and pulls me closer. "You like it?"

"I'm glad you didn't tell me," I say, laughing lightly.

We back up slowly, in awe. We climb back into the car and sigh with satisfaction. The radio plays light and softly, gently. Alden turns to me. His face is illuminated by the pale light from the dashboard. It's faint, but I can still see every feature on his face; his freckles and his dimple, his green eyes. "I come up here sometimes," he says. "Just to think."

"What do you think about?"

He shrugs. "Life. What it's all about. All that stuff."

Now that I think about it, I don't know a lot about Alden. We've been dating for nearly three weeks and I don't even know anything about his family. "How many brothers or sisters do you have?" I ask abruptly. It's a little awkward, but it needs to be said.

He smiles. "I have one brother and two sisters. They're all younger than me."

"What are their names?"

"I have a fourteen-year-old sister named Hannah, a twelve-year-old brother named Brooks, and a nine-year-old sister named Tori."

"And what about your parents?" I mean, it's not like I've told Alden my whole story either. He doesn't know much about me other than it's just me, my mom, and Matty.

Alden looks down. I know I should have asked about all this on our first date, but it just never came up. "My mom's name is Aspen, and my dad's name is Walker." He doesn't elaborate any further.

I know I shouldn't push and rod, but it seems like he wants to say more. "What are they like?"

Alden sighs. "Hardworking, traditional, you know, parents." He makes a face. It's a small smile, but not his.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

He shrugs and shakes his head. "I mean, it's just hard, you know?" It warms my heart because he's talking to me like I'm his best friend. Like I've known him for years and we could tell each other anything. It's a little nice, knowing I'm not just here to be a girlfriend. "My sister Hannah came out as lesbian a few months ago, and things have never really been the same. My mom, you know, she's fine with it, but my dad can't even look at Hannah the same anymore. Like she's changed completely even though she's been the same her whole life. And then my parents started fighting more and more, and it's just been rough."

I stare at Alden with interest and sorrow. I know he probably doesn't want me to feel bad for him, but I do. He sighs. "I just—" His voice cracks. "I heard them the other night, in their room, and my mom said that she wants my dad to leave, and—" He stops and stares at me. I can see the tears welling in his eyes. "It's just hard because I'm thinking, like, this is happening. I've seen divorce in all these movies my whole life, but it's never been so real to me before. It's like, now that I'm in it, it feels so scary."

I think I feel my heart break a little inside me, this pang in my chest that is all too familiar. It hurts because I know exactly what the is feeling. The pain inside you that pinches at you a little more every day, getting harder and longer each minute, and it gets so painful that you feel it choking you from the inside, dragging you down.

I want to cry with him. I see the drops rolling down his face, and I want to show him that I feel the same, but the tears won't come. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and embrace him tightly. I want him to know that I want him to stay with me. I've only talked to Alden for three weeks of my life, and the feeling of not wanting him to ever feel pain or suffering again is so strong. I want to stay with him forever, just to make sure that he never has to feel this sadness again.

His sobs come out in gasps and cries. He hugs me tightly, grasping onto me like I'm about to leave him forever, and he just can't bear it. We sat together for so long, I don't know how long. After a while, he stops crying and I can hear his shallow breaths in my ear. His breathing slows eventually into long, deep breaths. He whispers, "thank you." I can feel my heart being put back together instantly.

I laugh lightly and pull back slightly, our arms still holding tightly to one another. "What for? All I did was listen."

Alden smiles. "Exactly. I've never really told anyone that."

"Really?" My heart pulls slightly, like a dog trying to break free from its leash.

Alden nods. "You're a good listener."

I smile. "Thank you." I feel a little bad. He thanks me for being a good listener, but I would have been an even better listener if we had this conversation on our first date. "I'm sorry I didn't ask about your family sooner."

Alden shakes his head. "I haven't exactly been all caught up in your life either." He smiles. "Now it's your turn. Rant to me."

I laugh and shake my head, letting go of him and looking down. "There's not much to say," I say softly. "You already know about my parents."

Alden shakes his head, taking my hand. "Not really. All I know is your parents are divorced. I don't know the 'backstory.'"

I laugh. "It's pretty simple. My dad cheated on my mom with a coworker and they split." I look up and add nonchalantly, "the end."

Alden frowns. "I'm sorry. That must have been hard."

I shrug. "Not really. All that was hard was accepting the fact that my dad is a total jerk and doesn't deserve my time."

Alden shakes his head. "You know, you can still miss him."

I look up. "But I don't."

Alden tilts his head slightly. "Blanca."

Okay. I miss Dad. I miss his goofy laugh and his bear hugs. I miss the stories he used to tell about Mom. I miss the lullabies he sang me to help me fall asleep. I miss his Fun Friday Hot Dogs and his Lazy Sunday Burgers. I miss seeing him kiss and hug Mom goodbye when he left for work. But I'm so mad at him. I don't want to miss anything about him. I don't want to miss his scraggly beard or his silly voices. I don't want to miss his famous chocolate chip and blueberry pancakes. I don't want to miss him at all. And I hate to admit that I miss anything, but of course, I do.

I want to cry so badly. My eyes feel so dry from the lack of tears. I shake my head. "I know," I whisper. I look up at him. "I just want to hate him. I really do." The words come out of my mouth so naturally. I hate it and love it at the same time. I've wanted to say those words ever since he walked out the door. But I also feel bad for saying them. Because I don't hate him, and I don't want to. I know I don't want to hate him. I shake my head. "No. I— I hate what he did. I have to keep reminding myself that. I want to hate him because of what he did, but I can't. I can't bring myself to say that."

Alden nods. "I know what you mean."

I sigh heavily and look at Alden. I want to look at him with teary eyes, but my eyes are as dry as the sidewalk on a summer day. "He's my dad." There isn't a better way to put it.

Alden brings me closer to him. I wrap my arms around him and breathe shakily. Just cry.

Nothing.

After a minute, we pull apart. "I'm glad we talked about this," Alden says.

I nod. "I think it's important that we talk about this stuff as boyfriend and girlfriend." I feel my face flush. "Like, if I want to kiss you, I should at least know what's going on in your life."

Oh my gosh. I can't believe those words just came out of my mouth.

Alden cracks a small smile. "You want to kiss me?"

My heart is racing. I feel like my whole body is numbing. I don't even know what to say.

Alden's eyes dart to my lips, and without even thinking about it, my eyes are on his.

We make eye contact again. I can't believe this is happening.

Before I can overthink this, I put my hand on Alden's shoulder and lean forward. I feel his lips interlock with mine. A sensation floods my body like never before. I feel my fingers and toes tingling and my heart is beating so fast, I can't tell where the break is between pulses. I feel like our breaths are one, like we are connected in every way possible. I never want to let go of Alden. This is like all my fantasies of Alden fit into one feeling, like a montage of memories that never actually happened, or a song that puts all the feelings you've ever felt into one melody.

It feels like it's been hours when Alden and I come apart gently. Alden's palm frames my cheekbone, and my hand is resting on his shoulder. Our faces are so close that we could jump right back into each other if we wanted to.

I can't help but smile as Alden's eyes pour into mine, like he's reading his favorite book, or looking at his favorite piece of art, or listening to his favorite song.

* * *

Julian is practically screaming into the microphone. "Let's see some school spirit!" I honestly don't know why anyone would want to show school spirit at our school. It's the oldest and by far the worst school in San Diego (maybe even California). "Come on, people! I know you're better than this!"

I fight hard to make sure I don't burst out laughing, drawing everyone's attention to me. Julian is a passionate member of the student council and has been since last year. I feel sort of bad that his assembly is a total bust. He told me that in honor of it being December 1, the student council scheduled an assembly announcing that they wanted to have more diverse activities for the usual 'Christmas Week' (starting with renaming it as Winter Week. Julian said that it already sounded better because of the alliteration), but none of the students seemed to care very much. Only about three percent of the state is Jewish and even less are Muslims. Most of the state is either Catholic to the bone or straight-up atheist. But, since Julian is Jewish, he cares very deeply that we make a big deal that the kids in our school don't all believe in the same things and that we should recognize everyone's differences.

Personally, I think it's a great thing to acknowledge, but it seems that everyone else thinks this is a huge waste of time.

"Okay!" A tall girl with long, dirty blonde hair walks onto the stage and grips Julian's wrist, lugging him offstage. She comes back to the mic and clears her throat. "Everyone, let's give it up for the president of the student council, Julian Burris!"

The audience applauds, but I clap my hands together fiercely, hoping to be loud enough for everyone to hear backstage. Hillary grins, thankful that her assembly worked out okay in the end. "Let's have a great Winter Week next week!" she shouts, even though everyone has stopped clapping at this point and she doesn't need to yell. I feel kind of bad because it looks like she expected the applause and cheers to rise, but we've all quieted down as Hillary awkwardly walks off the stage.

Everyone floods out of the auditorium, but I'm the first one out the doors. I race backstage and find Julian pampering himself near a mirror. He fans his face with his hands and paces back and forth, talking to himself. He spots me and races over. "Blanca! How did I do? Was it too much? Should I have done more? I could have come up with another slideshow, I'm sure it would have been good—"

I stop him and plant my hands on his shoulders. "Julian! It was great! Relax!"

Julian smiles and exhales deeply. "Good. I was really nervous. Could you tell?"

I shake my head. "Not one bit." I lead him outside the auditorium where Hillary Trent and the rest of the student council are circled.

Hillary turns to Julian, worry on her face. "That was awful." Julian's face falls immediately. Hillary shakes her head. "Not you, you were great. But we got no reaction from anyone."

I raise my hand. "I was fully supportive the whole time."

Hillary smiles. "And we thank you for that," he says. She turns back to Julian. "We need to go all out next week if we want this to happen again in the years to come."

Julian nods. "Will do." He says goodbye to his group and we walk down the hallway.

"So," I say, "I was wondering if you wanted to come over?"

Julian scoffs. "What about Alden? Weren't you guys going out?"

I shake my head. "We didn't make plans. Besides, he wasn't feeling well this morning. He didn't come to school."

Julian laughs. "I'm sure he's gonna try his hardest to feel better to go out with you."

I giggle. "You know, you don't have to put yourself in second place now that I'm dating Alden."

Julian shakes his head. "I am in second place."

I frown. "You're not!"

Julian smiles. "No, I should be. Your boyfriend needs to come first. Plus, I'm totally fine being second place, you know that, right?"

I look down. "I feel bad. You're my best friend."

"Don't be!" Julian laughs. "Seriously, Alden should be first. He's the one kissing you. That deserves a gold medal."

I blush furiously. "Oh, jeez."

Julian laughs. My phone pings in my pocket. "I bet that's him, isn't it?" Julian asks.

I open my phone and examine my texts. It is.

What are you doing at this very moment?

I raise an eyebrow. I show Julian my phone. "What the heck does this mean?" I ask.

Julian shrugs. "I've never had a boyfriend. I know nothing."

I punch at the keys hesitantly. The assembly just finished. We're leaving school now. Are you feeling any better?

Cool. Great. Yes.

I smile.

Alden texts again. Who are you with?

Julian.

Does he want a ride?

"Alden wants to give you a ride home."

Julian laughs. "This kid is too charming for his own good." Julian holds the door open and we step out into the breezy air.

Before I can even text back, tires screech and I look up from my phone. Alden cruises in and parks beside us. I crawl inside and Julian hops in the back. Alden kisses my cheek. "You got better quick!" I say as Alden starts driving.

Alden shrugs. "Just a stomach bug."

"Thanks for the ride, man," Julian says.

Alden laughs. "No problem."

Alden drives down the road in silence and drops Julian off outside his Dad's house. He hops out and leans over to the open window. "Thanks again!" he calls and skips up the steps.

Alden drives down the road. "Where to?" he asks.

I shrug. "What have you been doing all day?" Changing the subject is key for take me anywhere but home.

"Just watching TV and doing homework." Alden takes a left.

"Sounds like a dream."

Alden chuckles. "Maybe yours. My dream is to be with you."

"Looks like it came true."