When Your Heart Beats

Ray brought in a doctor, which was really a licensed off-the-shelf physician who worked for the mob, to look me over. It was only then that I realized his suite was large enough to engulf my life into one small existence. His place was so neat, not many trinkets or anything else on his walls. It seemed like a rich man's paradise...and it honestly made me feel small. But as the man continued to evaluate my neck and evaluate my breathing, Ray wouldn't look away. The concern in his face made my head hot and it was hard to not look away.

How he helped me, even after it all, still rocked my heart. I hadn't felt that warmth before and even in those dire circumstances, I felt a comfort that I didn't expect to receive. Even when I had been in relationships, there was always a wall. I felt it was more so for me to not feel alone than to develop a feeling called love. That yearning to be with someone every hour of the day and continue to do stupid things just to be in there arms...I oddly began to want that.

The more I watched Ray speak with the doc, the more he questioned every word and made sure I was comfortable throughout the process. His gentle touch when he fed me soup, put ice packs on my neck, made sure I took the medicine prescribed, and placed ointment over my bruises...was an experience I had never felt. I couldn't say it was love. I couldn't tell him that out loud, not after knowing him for such a short period of time. But...I liked him...and that realization burned deep.

Ray got up, removing the last icepack from my neck and pulling up my covers. He forced one of his guys to go get me some of my sleep clothes. Ray was going to just buy some but I felt like it was a waste...he didn't owe me anything. His kindness was enough.

"Get some rest," he said, getting up. "I'll check up on you throughout the night, but don't hesitate to come wake me if you need me."

He was leaving? I saw multiple doors in his suite, so I'm sure he had other rooms, but...I didn't want him to leave me alone. Not after today...even though I knew he'd make sure that I was safe.

"P...please stay with me." I mustered, too shy to speak any louder.

I couldn't believe that I, a man...ok a boy who was about to start college and had been through hell and back more than once, was asking for a guy to sleep with me. But, I did.

Ray turned back to me, a smile coming across his face as if that's what he wanted to hear. "Are you sure?"

"Don't be a dick, just...come back."

He couldn't wipe the grin off his face, as he nodded: leaving. I couldn't wipe the blush off my face either. But in the short time he was gone, I realized that if I stopped working for the Venom Gang...that that also meant the end of Ray. Did I want to go through the same shit as I had with Kizuna again, no, but I know that will never happen. Or...I believe it after today.

I shook my head, flustered. What am I doing?! I don't want to work for the yakuza anymore. I don't want to be mistreated or thrown around like a rag doll. But, even more than that, I don't want to stop seeing...

The door opened again to Ray's fearsome tattoo appearing in the dim light. He had on black shorts this time as he strolled over to my bed. He brought some icepacks with him as he placed them in a freezer part of the fridge he had in his room: that was next to a large flat screen TV. Earlier today he let me watch whatever I wanted, so I chose Squid Game. I couldn't tell if he was enjoying it or not but I was at least glad he sat through it silently.

"I don't want to stop working for your brother." I said as he shut the door to the freezer.

"Why?"

When his yellow eyes met mine, I felt my breathe catch as I turned away.

"I...I trust you. I know you'll keep me safe if I continue."

It was better than I like you.

Getting the courage to look at him again, "And I don't like quitting anything before the entire job is done."

Ray was silent, but his eyes were unwavering. I didn't want to look away to make him think that I was lying about what I had said, but it was hard. He suddenly sighed, as he walked towards me.

"If it's about money..."

"It's not!"

He walked towards my side of the bed, sitting down near my feet. "Then...is it about me?"

Shit...how did he know.

He half chuckled, which made my face even redder. "I know where you live and where you'll be staying. Hell, I'll even give you my number for that matter. As long as it means..."

"It's not!" I spat, almost angered by the fact that he read me, "I was scared, Ray. I admit it, I thought you and your brother sicked Kizuna on me as some sort of hazing ritual or something and it broke me. It hurt me when you told me you'd protect me and I thought you were ok with throwing me away."

I could see the sorrow in his eyes after that, but he didn't speak.

"But now I know that you meant what you said and you weren't fucking with me. And that's all I needed to know. That's all I need to keep going. I want to change my life, but I want to do it on my own volition."

I let my eyes settle on Ray, "I want to be stronger. I want to have a life that's meaningful, and I told myself a long time ago that I'd never back down from a fight. And your brother thinks I'm some weak kid who doesn't know anything about the world around me, but I've lived in shit since I was born. And I'm not going to let anyone here chain me back in it."

Ray didn't say anything for a moment and I was unsure what he would say or do next.

"I understand."

I was shocked by his words. I expected a fight from him...it stunned me how gentle he had been.

He leaned in to touch my cheek, making me blush. "But, for me to be on board with this, you have to tell me when you plan to meet my brother or anyone else in our gang from here on out. I'll give you my number, so don't hesitate to call me if you don't feel safe. Ok?"

"Ok."

He rustled my hair as I sat in awe of him. Yet, my blushes made me nervous and I immediately turned away when he got into bed beside me. I didn't know what to do or think...but as the lights dimmed and our surroundings quieted, I only heard his goodnight as I fell asleep. Yet, in the midst of it all, I started having a nightmare. I saw Kizuna and his boys surround me. Ray was being held down by his brother, beaten and bloodied, yelling in a fit of rage. Ray...why are they doing that to Ray?! What are they going to do to me?!

My shaking intensified, my agony bellowing out as I called Ray's name, only to realize that it was a dream. A dream that was awoken by Ray's arm around my waist and his voice in my ear.

"Shh, everything's ok. You're with me."

I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to feel even more embarrassed, but when his fingers interlaced with mine, holding our hands close to my chest as he kissed my neck, I felt undeniably comforted. I felt at ease in his arms, feeing his breathing match with mine and his warmth on my back was calming. It was so hard to not tell him then and there that I had feelings for him. That I wanted to kiss him...that I did feel safe in his arms.

"I broke up with Kizuna."

My eyes widened in shock. I didn't want to alert him or let him know that I was awake. I felt like he was telling me this because he thought I was asleep. So, I did my best to remain calm...even though I know my heart pitter-pattered.

"I know I'm a thug and that I've done a lot of bad things, but I was never one to pick on the little guys. Most of the people I've killed or threatened had it coming."

I slowed my breathing, my excitement trying to get the best of me. I wanted to know so much about him but he never seemed like he wanted to share. So why...why was he sharing with me now?

"So when I heard Kizuna hurt you," I felt his grip on my hand tighten, "I couldn't stop myself."

Badump.

Badump...

"The Raichi and Venom Gangs have been at war with each other for over a century. We've gotten in so many turf wars that it ended up depleting out ranks. When my eldest brother, Imura, died...my father had enough."

He had another brother? I felt a shiver down my spine. I knew what he was going to say, but I didn't care to hear him say it.

"That's when our clans met to decided a truce. Kizuna's father was dying, which made Kizuna the future head of Raichi. It was long known that Kizuna was gay and his father wanted him to be married. Kizuna without hesitation chose me...only because, when we were young...we were friends. Even though we were forced to hate one another...we vowed to never take each other's life."

Ray chuckled, "But it sucked the life out of me when he picked me. I didn't want to date a man, or anyone for that matter. Love wasn't something that made me happy. It had only created suffering, but my father and in turn Yahiko, fed me to the wolves without a second thought."

The way he said that made me realize my own life. My own trials with my own family. He and I...weren't that different in that regard. Yet, it pained me to hear the angst in his voice.

"I've always been an offering to them, Niko. So, I get it when you say you don't want to be chained. I more than understand."

I felt Ray's sigh on my shoulder as he moved his head behind mine. "I didn't want you to work here because a lot of shit is going to come my way for making an unfavorable decision."

He stopped again. "I don't want you to get hurt because of me...but I'll do everything within my power to make sure that won't happen again."

It hurt me how guilty he felt. I wish I was man enough to tell him that I knew. I wish I just stopped him then and there and comforted him after everything he had said. I didn't realize how much pain Ray was harboring. On the outside, he seems like a well-put-together machine. He doesn't blink or think, he just does. I respect that about him...it's honestly...shit...something I love.

I felt his kiss land on my hair. "I promise you, Niko. So please...at least this time, don't leave me behind."