Chapter 4

It's been a few months—approximately 6 months as we were approaching Spring. The winter slowly passing away—warm but still cold. It was the first time in 3 years that we didn't go to the Northern Empire…I was upset but I didn't have the courage to go there since all I'll be reminded of would be my mother plus the trip would've been miserable. Nevertheless, not as much has happened other than us adjusting to these unbearable changes; especially for me, I have been going through therapy and healing my outer wounds but my inner wounds left for me to fend…; Therapy has been helpful only in the sense that it's helping me cope with the trauma in a healthy way but so far nothing has changed about my fear. The only solution that the Head Priest has suggested is me involving myself with men and try being near them but father has strongly disagreed to that solution which leaves with no other solution. Maybe when I'm older, I can find a way which can help me deal with this fear without having any flashbacks.

Right at the moment, I'm in my personal library which is made behind the main palace but more like to the corner which gives me a clear view of who's coming in the palace. My personal library has various types of books from all around the world, they are organized in these light brown wooden shelves. As soon as you enter the library, you will be greeted with these beautifully designed carpets which lead you to the staircase. When you look up at the arched ceiling, it has the renaissance art painted elegantly in the middle with gold boarding the painting and the rest of the building painted with beige paint. The library didn't have that many large windows since I liked some darkness but there were small yellow light bulbs in white flower lamp shade which were hung in section of the book shelfs. Ah upstairs of my personal library is one of my favorite spots since it is made like a small study room but it's more like a relaxing room with a cute dark green couch, a light brown wooden coffee table which was of the same material as the book shelves, and it had some small renaissance paintings next to the two large windows. The upstair windows gave more clear view of outside. If I'm not reading, I'd people watch…it was a habit I picked up without even realizing. As I'd watch nobles come in and go out after having a meeting with my father and sometimes I could even slightly see the knights training which was rarely since the training grounds at the palace is pretty far away from my personal library but I could see small figures.

Anyways, today I was reading more about psychology, trying to understand why and how the brain acts a certain way when put in various types of situations but this is getting rather boring as it's been a few days of me trying to understand these concepts. Throughout the months, my day to day has been rather repetitive, I really don't have much to do since I'm stuck in the palace. Though this doesn't have much to due with the incident because I wouldn't have been allowed to go out the palace until my debut which is quite sad but I'm enjoying it…so I'm not complaining. I have picked up many new hobbies—gardening just like my mother since it makes me feel closer to her, painting and drawing, baking…though I'm not the best at it right now but lets not judge; I've been exercising to get myself stronger but there is something that has been lingering in my head and it's a hobby I want to have…well is it really? Uhm is being a Knight a hobby? I doubt father will think that it is and he will most definitely disagree...mhm I'll find a way!

Just as I was lost in my thought while looking out the window with my head propped up on my left hand; I noticed a carriage approaching the Imperial Palace with some knights. After a few minutes, I watched Duke Denzil Astley and his younger brother, Aspen Astley, walking inside the palace. Duke Denzil is the most loyal noble on my fathers side, more like my fathers right hand and on top of that, they have known each other since they were younger. Whereas, Aspen is 4 years older than me, he has a pretty face but he's extremely grumpy, I don't think I ever saw him smile. We used to have playdates together when we were younger…which is about it since even before the incident, we had slowly stopped hanging out as much as we did. The Astley family was one of the only family who knew the ins and outs of the royal family but still the circumstances related to me were kept secret from all the nobles…except from the Northern King and Queen. They both had came to the Southern empire to spend time with me on my 6th birthday; At first, I was terrified to meet the King but luckily, he was patient enough to wait until I was comfortable to be near him. I was happy that the Queen had came along too because otherwise my birthday would've been very depressing after all it was my first birthday without my mother. Overall, their visitation to the Imperial palace was which I was immensely grateful for since it also helped father have someone who can listen to him and be present as a listening ear, without taking advantage of his vulnerability.

Enough of me rambling, I should start heading towards the dining hall. I bookmark the page I was on and start heading towards the entrance door to exit. As I close the library door behind, I say farewells while smiling to the female knights guarding my personal library. I begin to make my way towards the main palace through the open hall which was supported by the white pillars. I end up stopping halfway through to admire the gorgeous sunset which had various colors—the sun was slowly going down, the clouds had this pretty orange pinkish color and the whole sky looking almost purplish with hints of blue. I was so immersed in the beauty of the sunset that I didn't notice Isaiah approaching me.

"Sisterrrr!" Isaiah came towards me with the biggest puppy like smile. OMG! He is so cute!!! My heart feels so full just looking at him.

He comes and gives the most comforting hug ever! "Isaiah, how was your day?" I asked with a smile on my face while returning the hug.

"It was great…but I wish I could've spent it with you. Why did you have to finish the lessons faster than me? Now I am alone with that grumpy professor!" He angrily confessed which made me want to laugh a little but I held it in.

"I'm sorry Isaiah!" I said while giggling. "Anyways should we start heading towards the dining hall now?"

"Yes…but I heard Duke Denzil and Aspen as still here, so should we wait a little?" I completely forgot they still haven't left. It has been a few hours…why haven't they left yet? It seems the meeting is going longer than expected.

"Aww are you worried for me?" I asked Isaiah even though I knew the answer but teasing him and seeing him worried for me was just so adorable. "YES!" Isaiah said with a cute expression. Just then we see father coming out with Duke Denzil and Aspen, it seems that they are discussing something important but why did Aspen accompany the Duke today? He's only 10 years old…is he already getting trained to take the position of the Duke when he's older?…Why does that even matter? I should just focus on what's happening at the moment.

Father looked towards us with a smile, the Duke and Aspens eyes following fathers gaze which then fell on us. I unconsciously looked away and pulled Isaiah with me back into the library. When I looked out of the library window, I could see the confusion on Dukes and Aspens faces. It looked like that father was laughing about something and probably telling them that I'm shy or something which is most definitely a lie. I closely watch the Duke and Aspen get into the carriage after bidding farewell to father and proceeding to leave.

"They've left now, so we should head to father now. It seems like father is waiting for us to come out." The whole time Isaiah was quietly watching me and observing the situation but he didn't question anything since he was quite used to me acting this way around men I wasn't close to—it was becoming somewhat normal.

"Yea let's head out." We went out towards father and I could tell that father felt guilty for what he did.

"Irene dear, I'm so sorry." He expressed his apology with a guilty gaze.

"It's fine. Don't worry too much!" Was all I could say while smiling at my father. I didn't want father to feel guilty.

"Can we go eat dinner now? I'm sooo hungryyy!" Isaiah pleaded and I was glad that he changed the mood…otherwise the mood would've gotten depressing. With a smile on the three of our faces, we headed towards the dining hall as father held my hand on his left side and on the right side he held Isaiahs hand while asking us how our day was. We had delightfully ate our dinner while discussing our day, bonding over dinner was something we always have been doing but now, father makes a great effort to spend more time with us and setting time aside for us even when he had such a busy schedule.

"Uhm father...." I really want to ask father this but I don't know how he'll react.

"Yea honey?"

"…will we never be able to go to the Northern Empire again?" I really did miss the cold winters in the North though it's always cold there but still I hope there is a way for me to be able to visit the Northern Empire without coming in contact with men.

"Oh dear you are worrying for no reason. Mhm should I have a small palace built the opposite of the Northern Royal Palace? I think that should work out but I'll discuss about this with King Mallick." Father replied back with a happy expression which clearly communicated that I was worrying for no reason.

"Thank you father!" I was happy to know there was a possibility for me to visit the North without coming in contact with other human beings.

"I'll accompany you, sister!" Isaiah said with a serious gaze which made me and father giggle.

"I won't ever go there without you, so you can chill haha."

"Oh Isaiah you're so cute." Father giggled once again. It had been awhile since everyone was laughing though it made me think back to the times when mother was still alive—but I was happy with how things were now.

Just like that we ended our dinner with smiles on our faces as we made our way to our personal rooms. Me and Isaiah went back to our rooms to take our nightly baths, after getting ready for bed; I made my way to Isaiahs room to tuck him in bed and say goodnight. This had became a nightly routine for us since mother always done that for us, sometimes I'd end up sleeping in his room but tonight I said goodnight and proceeded to go back to my room. As I was walking through the hallway, I could see the moonlight shining through the enormous windows and the nightly sky looking pretty as always, the stars shining brightly but it had me wondering…how would my life end up looking like?