20. Chapter 18: Reckless words pierce

Ch 18: Reckless words pierce like a sword*

Despite the persistence of the rain, the next two days passed quickly for the three eldest Bennet sisters. Employed as they were in seeking solutions to their dilemma, they hardly noticed the time confined to the house.

Finally on the morning of the third day, the storm broke and dawn finally came, bright and colorful to announce the coming morning. Gratefully Lizzy rose and took her morning walk, drinking in the rain cleansed air as she dodged as many mud puddles as she could. On returning to Longbourn, she found her father already at breakfast, his head buried in the most recent newspaper.

"Good morning Lizzy, returned from your walk I see." He rattled the paper and looked up at her over the edge.

"Yes, Papa. It was quite refreshing to walk outside again after so many days confined." She smiled ruefully looking down at her muddy boots and skirts.

"You seemed to bear it well enough this time with Jane and Mary for company," an unreadable note in his voice caught her attention.

"Yes, sir," she replied a little warily, wondering where the conversation was heading.

"It was quite pleasant to see Mary with you instead of trying to drown out Kitty and Lydia with her pianoforte," Mr. Bennet laughed softly as he returned to his paper.

Lizzy said nothing as she served herself from the sideboard and sat down. Absorbed in his paper, Mr. Bennet seemed to have no need for further conversation. Lizzy was happy enough for the silence as well, so she quietly entertained her own thoughts as she ate.

Finally he finished his meal. Folding his paper, he fixed his attention on his daughter. "It is good to see you are returning to yourself Lizzy. I am not accustomed to you being so missish."

"I am sorry, Papa." He is right I was painfully impertinent with him.

"For a moment I was tempted to believe that you were affected by the Carvers' departure." He laughed to himself. "But I could hardly fathom such a thing! You have far too much sense to truly like a man with so little understanding."

"Oh no! I did not like him at all!" Elizabeth quickly exclaimed, the look of shock on her face drawing more laughter from her father. "You have nothing to fear on my behalf!" But perhaps not so much so for my sisters.

"That just shows your good sense once again, child." He rose and, kissing her forehead, excused himself from the room.

Lizzy sighed to herself. I am so glad he is not still angry with me. I do so hate to be at odds with him. That is strange, it sounds like he is going upstairs? It is very unlike him to do so this early in the day. She frowned as she reached for the newspaper and began to scan the headlines. Her reverie was broken by loud voices at the doorway.

"How droll you look, Lizzy!" Lydia teased, hand on her hips, head cocked knowingly.

"You look just like Papa when you do that," Kitty chimed in, peeking over Lydia's shoulder.

"Good morning, Kitty. Good morning, Lyddie." Lizzy forced herself to smile at her younger sisters. It will serve no good purpose to be cross with them, they will only dismiss anything I say if I am.

"I am so glad that dreadful rain has stopped." Lydia paused to take a large bite of her muffin. She continued mouth still full, "It has been days since we have called upon anyone and I am starved for news."

"I am too!" Kitty echoed, reaching for the jam to spread on her bread. "I should have thought I would die of boredom if we had to remain without company another day!" Both girls looked at each other and giggled.

"So, what did you do these past days during your hardship?" A fine eyebrow quirked over sparkling brown eyes.

"Well, we didn't have to listen to Mary this time! She was not about quoting Fordyce to all who had ears!" Lydia's superior look disquieted Lizzy.

"Nor was she banging away at her ballads on the pianoforte," Kitty finished quickly, laughing as her hands pounded at an imaginary keyboard.

"Do not be so unkind to your sister," Elizabeth admonished, startling the two younger girls. "It is unbecoming to speak of her so." So much for not being cross. She sighed.

"Oh Lizzy, you yourself have said…" her youngest sister protested vigorously.

"I know too well what I have said and I was very wrong to do so." More softly she added, "I have been a shockingly bad role model to you both and I must apologize. I am truly sorry."

The youngest sisters turned to stare at each other. Neither girl knew how to respond, so an uncomfortable silence descended.

"You…you asked what we did yesterday," Kitty finally reminded, playing uncomfortably with her napkin.

"I did indeed. Please tell me how you occupied yourselves. I do not believe I saw either of you the whole of the day long." Lizzy was grateful for the reprieve her younger sister granted.

"Well, you remember those ribbons and the new lace we purchased in town when we went last?" Lydia waited for her sister's nod. "We put it to good use. We remade our oldest frocks into something ever more fashionable."

"How very clever," Lizzy offered, fighting to contain a more acerbic remark. I supposed that is time better spent than chasing after the officers.

"Since we no longer have proper lady's maid to do such things for us," Lydia frowned. "Papa really ought to hire a new one for us you know. Mattie really cannot manage to serve all five of us. Kitty and I are ever so neglected…"

"We decided to try for ourselves. Mama tells me I am ever so clever with my needle." Kitty flushed with remembered praise. "We purchased the latest edition of The Lady's Magazine while we were in town. It had printed patterns for the latest styles. Oh the sleeves! I dared not try them on my own, but the patterns were just the thing! You must see the sleeves. They are so lovely now! I thought I would never wear my blue gown again but now it is so fashionable!"

"I still think it would be better to have a lady's maid to do such things for us," Lyddie pouted, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Well I am impressed. You know how ill I am at piece work. Mama declared me all but hopeless years ago. I would love to see what you have done. Perhaps, if you are willing, you might see to one of my own dresses as well." Certainly she could not make that sprigged muslin any worse than it is and if Mary is correct that she is looking for attention, this might be a way…

Lydia rolled her eyes, but Kitty's face lit with her sister's implied compliment. "Truly Lizzy? You would trust me with one of your gowns?"

"Why should I not? If your blue gown delights you so, then it seems I have good reason. Might you show me your work this afternoon? I shall render my verdict then," she teased gently. Poor girl, she is just dying for attention in Lydia's shadow. She must receive little enough as it is.

"But we were to call upon Maria today!" Lydia whined, harrumphing angrily.

"There will be plenty of time for that as well," Lizzy assured, trying not to roll her eyes as her youngest sister.

"I shall look forward to it, Lizzy," Kitty declared defiantly, squaring her shoulders.

"I shall as well. Excuse me." Gracefully the elder girl rose from the table. How different Kitty seems. Perhaps she will not be so difficult to influence after all. I am shocked at how much I have in fact neglected her. A vague sense of guilt haunting her, Lizzy began to climb the stairs.

She was lost in thought as she walked down the hallway. So much so, that she nearly walked into her father as he strode from his wife's room. Startled, Lizzy raised her eyebrow, but he simply shook his head.

"Not now, child. I need to think. Come talk to me in my study this evening after I have had an opportunity to consider." With a nod, he walked past her and disappeared down the stairs.

How very strange! Consider what? Her brow knit thoughtfully as she watched the empty hallway after him. That is so unlike Papa. What could he have been doing in Mama's rooms at such an hour? She is rarely an early riser, and does not much appreciate company at such hours.

That is crying! Is that Mama? Pausing, she listened intently to the unfamiliar sound. I do believe it is. She is weeping. The sound was soft, that of genuine tears, not the more common loud histrionics that were frequent in the Bennet household.

Indecision plagued Elizabeth. She had been caught in enough of her mother's hysterical displays to know that she wished to avoid any more such experiences. And yet, this does not sound affected. I do not believe I have ever heard Mama cry this way before. Did Papa say something to her? I heard no raised voices and he did not seem cross just now. Frowning she stared at the door. Mary would tell me it is our duty to mourn with those who mourn. Lizzy sighed, brushing a stray hair from her forehead. She is right. I fear too many times I have been content to walk away and allow Jane the duty of consolation. Drawing a deep breath, she softly rapped at the door.

No answer came, so she knocked again. This time the door opened slightly. Within the room, she could see her mother, still in her night dress, sitting in her bed, weeping.

"Mama?" Lizzy asked softly, unsure of what to say.

Surprised, Mrs. Bennet looked up, startled to see her least sympathetic child at her door.

"Mama, are you unwell?"

The simple question seemed to push Mrs. Bennet over the edge once more into another paroxysm of sobs. Slipping inside, Lizzy shut the door behind her and went to her mother's bedside. Hesitantly, Elizabeth sat beside her, laying a hand on her heaving shoulders. "Is there anything I can do to help, Mama?"

Red tearful eyes stared up at her. "Oh Lizzy…" she croaked before she was seized by more tears.

"Are you ill? Have you gotten news of some calamity? I know Papa and my sisters are well. Please tell me what is wrong, and what I may do for your relief." Lizzy's anxiety mounted. I have never seen her this way before. She has never failed to voice her complaints clearly.

"Oh child!" Mrs. Bennet cried again. "I have failed you. I have failed you all. I have only ever wanted for you girls to have a secure future. Is that not what every mother would want for her daughters?"

Lizzy's heart froze in her chest. Oh no! What happened in town? Soothingly she rubbed her mother's back.

"Should I not want that for you all? Have I not done everything in my power to give you that?" Beseechingly she stared at her daughter.

"Yes, Mama. I know that has always been your wish, I know that is what you have sought for us. How is it now that you fear you have failed us?" Lizzy bit her lip. Who was it that spoke to you?

Minutes passed as another fit of crying consumed Mrs. Bennet. Finally she was able to respond. "Lydia, Kitty and I went into town to see my sister."

"Yes, they told me of their visit."

"Your Aunt Phillips, she pulled me aside and told me that there was something she needed to speak with me of in private, a report of a most alarming nature."

If it is what I fear, it was alarming indeed. "What did she tell you? I can see it has made you quite upset."

"It was terrible! I could not believe I was hearing such things from my very own sister!" Trembling hands brushed tears from her face.

"What did she tell you?" Elizabeth demanded more firmly.

"Do not tell your sisters this! I cannot bear the thought of them hearing…" Her eyes pleaded with her usually stubborn daughter.

"I will keep your confidences." Lizzy fought to control her frustration. I do not know how to feel that you would tell me something so dreadful that you do not wish for them to hear of it for fear of their distress but have no concern for mine. She sighed.

"The Carvers…"

Oh no, it is what I feared! Elizabeth could not suppress a grimace.

"I have heard that it was neither the officers nor their wives, nor even the militia that drove them from Meryton."

"Truly?" Lizzy was glad that in her distress, her mother failed to recognize the insincerity of her daughter's tone.

"Indeed. Your aunt told me that… well, it does not matter who has said it for everyone in town has heard by now…" A blue-veined hand covered her face.

"Heard what?" Just say it!

"It was my dearest girls!" Mrs. Bennet dissolved into nearly hysterical sobs.

Lizzy sighed, laying a comforting arm over her mother's shoulders. Oh Jane, what would you say right now? You are so much better than I am at moments like this. I feel so very awkward.

"I would never believe such a thing but that my own sister told me so! She said it was my dearest girls that drove them away. She said he found their company…insufferable!" More tears followed this declaration.

I am sure Aunt Phillips was none too gentle in her declarations! Such a prime bit of news to be shared, she would not have handled it with care.

"I was told that they were coarse and unladylike. Of all things, Lizzy! Have I not always taught you all to be ladies? Of course I have. I have! But not well enough for Mr. Carver it seems." For a brief moment she seemed to regain some of her indignation, but deflated again as she continued. "He called my precious Lydia loud and boisterous of all things. Surely she is lively, but unrefined and unseemly? It cannot be. Lizzy, tell me it cannot."

Her daughter stammered, unable to find words to speak. How can I answer such a demand? I cannot lie to her, but how can I speak the truth? I need Jane! She simply shook her head, mouth slightly opened, but no words forming. Their eyes met for a long moment.

"You heard it too?" The horror in Mrs. Bennet's voice could not be masked. "No! No! It cannot be! This is too much! Get me my salts!"

Quickly Lizzy handed her the vial from the bedside table. Waving them beneath her nose seemed to revive her a moment. But the despair settled into her eyes once again. "I thought perhaps… perhaps my sister had misunderstood…" she cried brokenly. "But if you have heard it too, then surely not. Both of you could not have misunderstood. It must be true. Mr. Carver must have said those things."

Indeed he did Mama, that and many others as well that I do not wish to share with you.

Mrs. Bennet's voice rose into shrill tones. "You do see, daughter, do you not? We are…we are ruined. We are ruined!"

"Ruined, Mama?" Her daughter stared at her in shock.

"Yes, ruined! Jane is so beautiful, yet Mr. Carver has deserted her! The whole town will be saying it by now…" her words dissolved into hysterical cries. "No one will ever look at Jane again, nor any of the rest of you. My dearest Lydia will be scorned…"

Somberly, Lizzy held her as she cried, racking her brain for something kind and sincere to say but finding nothing.

"I know you are shocked, you have not put two words together. But Lizzy, I know you are strong, like your father. You can bear to know the truth. But your sisters, they will be crushed. You cannot tell them of this. You cannot!" The older woman rocked hard in her daughter's arms.

"I understand your fear," Lizzy tried to soothe her.

A stricken look fell over Fanny Bennet's face and the color drained from her cheeks and she looked up at Elizabeth. "It is my fault." The words came out in a breathy whisper.

Her mother's tone frightened her. I have never heard her say such a thing before! She looks so ill, like she might faint at any moment.

"It was my fault. It has been my duty to teach you girls how to comport yourselves as ladies and how to attract eligible young men. Now all is ruined. Where have I gone wrong? How have I failed? I taught you all that I knew…to be open and lively…now we are ruined and I am to blame. How am I ever to show my face again? I cannot. I cannot." She turned away from her daughter and fell into her pillow, sobbing once again.

Dumbfounded, Lizzy stared at her prostrate mother. What am I to do now? What words of comfort can I offer? I feel so lost.

Several minutes passed before Mrs. Bennet seemed to calm a moment. Lifting her head briefly, she looked desolately at her daughter. "Leave me now, Lizzy. I have no wish for company. I feel very ill indeed."

"Yes, Mama." She rose and stepped toward the door.

"And tell your sisters I am not to be disturbed. Tell Hill to allow none of the other servants up here, only her."

"I will." Lizzy shut the door softly behind her. I cannot remember when Mama has ever required that she be left alone. I have never seen her like this before. Could this be what Papa needed to think on? She leaned heavily against the door, feeling heavy wood behind her head. Drawing several deep breaths, she fought to quell the growing unease that gnawed at her.

"Excuse me, Miss Elizabeth," Hill's unpolished voice at her elbow startled her. "The post just come, and there is a letter for you."

"Thank you, Hill." Lizzy accepted the thick packet from the housekeeper's work roughened hands. Suddenly remembering her mother's charge she added, "My mother is doing very poorly. She asked not to be disturbed by any of the staff but you today."

Hill's weathered face took on a look of alarm. "Miss Elizabeth, did she ask to keep all company away?"

What does Hill know that I do not? That is entirely too odd a question for her to ask if she did not know something. "Yes, that is exactly what she has asked." She looked piercingly at the older woman.

"Oh Miss!" The older woman shook her head, a wisp of grey hair shaking loose at her temple. "This is bad, very bad indeed."

"It seems as though this has happened before?" Lizzy's brow creased in thought as she tried to remember.

"Yes it has, but you were a wee little thing, still in the nursery then. Miss Lydia was just walking then, I think. Your mother, she had a powerful shock. She had a terrible falling out, you see, with her eldest sister's husband…"

"Uncle Phillips?"

"No, Miss," Hill shook her head somberly. "She has another sister, don't ya know. Mrs. Rawls I do believe her name was. But it were Mr. Rawls who she had that falling out with. They had a terrible row, right here in the parlor, no less, Miss. In the middle of it, he just fell out and died. The doctor said his heart just stopped and he died."

Lizzy gasped, her fist pressed to her lips, shaking her head.

"'Tis true! Mrs. Rawls, she just came to pieces, you know. Said it were the mistress' fault that her husband died and she were now a widow with no children. Mrs. Rawls left the house and has not spoken to the mistress nor Mrs. Phillips ever again."

"How is it that I have never heard of this before?"

"It was many years ago. Me and the butler are the only ones still here from those days. The Master ordered we were never to speak of it so as not to upset the mistress. She were so upset! She kept to her rooms above stairs for months until we feared for her life. It seemed as if she might not emerge again. She told me, you see, that she blamed herself for Mr. Rawls' death just as Mrs. Rawls did. No amount o' convincin' from Mrs. Phillips nor the doctor nor your father could convince her otherwise. Those were dark days at Longbourn."

For a long moment, Lizzy was unable to speak, trying to absorb this heretofore untold part of her family's history. Finally she softly said, "I see. Thank you for telling me…"

"I know I pro'lly ought not have, but when you told me what she just said…"

"Do not fear, Hill. I will not allow this to bring you harm. I am quite old enough to hear such news." It seems you are the only source I have for such pertinent information. I will not put that in jeopardy.

"You must know I would not have dared speak to any of your sisters of such a thing. But I know you are strong, Miss Elizabeth."

Why do I feel anything but that right now? Why do people keep telling me that? Would that I had stayed in bed myself! Sighing, she asked, "Do you recall if there was anything that seemed to help my mother during that time?"

"No, Miss. I am sorry. It seemed that nothing helped. When she finally came out again, it were for Miss Lydia's birthday celebration, I do believe. No one ever spoke of what had happened, like it had been forgotten, never even happened. I wish I could tell you more…"

"No, no, Hill, this is very helpful, thank you. Perhaps you should check on Mama now, since you seem to best know how to care for her."

"I will. Do not fear. I cared for her back then, and I will see her through this episode as well." Hill bobbed her head encouragingly and quietly stepped into her mistress' rooms.

How much more can I carry? I feel anything but strong in this moment. Now I must conceal this family tragedy too? I cannot go against my mother's wishes. But Papa has spoken to her, so surely he knows the truth about the Carvers now, if he believes that Aunt Phillips' gossip might have any truth to it. She exhaled heavily, leaning against the wall, pressing her temples hard. But still I may talk to him of it now. That is some relief. She drew herself up and stepped away from the wall, eyes still closed against the threatening headache.

"Oh Lizzy!" This time it was Kitty's startled voice that drew her from her reverie.

"Kitty! I thought you were going to call upon Lucas Lodge this morning!" she exclaimed, startled. Immediately she noticed her younger sister's red rimmed eyes and blotchy face. "What is wrong?" Please, do not cry! I cannot take more crying this morning!

The sad girl seemed to deflate under Elizabeth's scrutiny. "We were. I was just tying on my bonnet, the one that I have remade during all the rain, and Lydia demanded I not wear it. She told me to take it off and not to talk of our projects either." Kitty sniffled and rubbed at her nose.

"Why ever would she say that?"

"She said it was because she did not want to call attention to the fact we have no ladies' maid! But Maria and Charlotte know that already. They do not have one either." Her eyes filled with tears.

Poor dear. She can see that Lydia did not want to share the attention with anyone. "Well, let us leave her to enjoy her calls this morning," Lizzy declared, taking her sister's arm. "You can show me those frocks you remade. Then perhaps you might offer some ideas on how to improve that dreary sprigged muslin that I seem to avoid wearing as often as I can."

The light in Kitty's eyes was ample reward for Elizabeth as they made their way to Kitty's rooms.

* PR 12:18