49. An Honourable Act

My head wasn't really in the right mental space for a ball. Benedict had returned for the weekend and was accompanying our eldest brother, Eloise, and myself to the ball. Anthony asked nothing when I brought a rose for a man to clip on his shirt with me; my guess is that he already had an idea of what was going on. That, and I didn't know if it was appropriate for a woman to give a man an engagement ring.

The ball was packed full of society's high elite. Ever since Friederich confirmed it was in fact a guy, Eloise had been determined to discover the true identity of Lady Whistledown. I personally could have cared less about all that, though I knew he'd likely have a new announcement tomorrow morning. God, I couldn't wait to get back on that plane and fly home this Tuesday. It was high time I went back to Brussels; I'd been away for too long and it'd been a rather rocky experience.

We entered the ballroom, Benedict with Eloise and Anthony with me on his arm. We separated off from one another, my heart sinking once I noticed my brother go over to merrily greet Simon. Friederich was nowhere in sight, but he texted me he was here. Feeling dejected and wanting to escape before Simon had the chance to speak to or even at look me, I slipped out into the empty corridors. Heh, you'd think I'd learn not to wander off around here by myself by now.

Walking down the dark hall with rose in hand, my eyes kept repeatedly drifting down to the ground. It was like being on cloud nine and terrified constantly. The idea of marriage hadn't really sunk in yet but the concept of PhD had. I was already mentally preparing myself for the transition; I would move to a brand-new city- one I loved- and start a new academic journey. I'd write another, much longer thesis; hopefully get some papers published. I'd be in my element, so happy….. How lucky am I? To do what I want for four years? Just thinking about it gave me goosebumps. That's why it was easy to overlook the other side of it…. The darker side I'd ignored for fifteen years.

By then I'd reached this room with a light still on. It was very much like the room I found Simon in the last time we were at the palace, only this one was vacant. It was chalked full of paintings though, these ones strictly portraits. Why the door was left ajar or the light on, who knows? But without really thinking about it, I entered leaving the door just as it was behind me. My mind was…. in a funny place currently. As I walked along, absent-mindedly gazing up at the portraits one by one, I considered everything to myself- and I do mean everything. Before I realized I was doing so, my hand was clenching the rose stem very, very anxiously. All these lifeless eyes just seemed to stare back at me apathetically, which didn't help matters.

My free arm flung out at my side. "What am I doing? I can't get married! I have no idea what it is to be "married"! What if we grow to hate each other? Is he going to resent me for not being able to have kids? I can't speak German; is that going to be a problem with his family? What if I don't like Bavaria? Oh who am I kidding? I'll love Bavaria…. And it's close to Uncle. It's just the people I'll live with there….." My voice trailed off for a second, my eyes going directionless. My heart was pounding like a drum at this point. I was on the verge of having a full-on freak out, all in the middle of an bare palace portrait room. That's a new one for me.

My head tossed back, angrily so. "Nugh, this is so stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! No one else has this stupid marriage condition hanging over their head. Anthony could get a PhD without getting married; Benedict could get a PhD! But me? Noooooooo! Thanks to my lack of dick, I have to be punished for wanting to have a life of my own, for daring to have my own dreams. Screw that! I didn't choose to be born this way. And while we're at it, I didn't decide to have a heart condition either, so you can't use that as an excuse to force me to get married! Daddy had a heart condition- no one forced him to do anything! It's all cause I'm a woman! Something to be petted and passed around and ignored!" My arm flung up with brute force yet again. "An arranged marriage; who in their right mind would agree to something like that?!" Then I finally realized that I was standing in front of a painting of a really old royal lady. She had this stoic expression, just like the rest of them. I looked at her for a minute, calming down slightly. "You agreed to an arranged marriage….. Heh, and I bet you got a lot less out of it than I will."

With a sigh, I continued strolling down the wall examining each of the portraits in a detached sort of way. This quiet smile drew across my face, only to instantly melt at one of the last portraits hanging close to the door. It was at eye length, which is the first time I saw him at eye-level. The moment I clapped eyes with it, I immediately stumbled back a few steps. My free hand clenched my shirt as my breathing increased, horrified. The plack underneath the painting read: Viscount Haggard Anthony Bridgerton.

I felt like I was going to be sick. From the moment he died, Daddy had every portrait of Grandfather removed from the estate. I don't think I even owned a picture of him. The photo I have of Daddy with Great Uncle Arthur has Grandfather's side torn off. I hadn't seen an image of him in years; I was honestly shocked at how much I'd forgotten his face. He was younger in this portrait; maybe in his late forties or so. He didn't look much like the man I knew, but I could tell it was him. One look at the malicious, scheming eyes and I knew. He was also the only dead person I knew who I did "speak" to. I knew Daddy and Uncle couldn't actually hear what I was saying, but it made me feel better talking to them. I never wanted to talk to him again, on the other hand….. Never.

My foot slid back even more. My heart was beating so loud, you could practically hear it. My hand didn't dare move an inch away from my chest, I was that afraid. I forgot how scared of this man I am….. I guess I was always subconsciously aware but seeing his face again like this…. It all came back to me like a flash, and I wanted to vomit.

"D-Daddy…. Daddy," just saying that made me feel better- a little. I forced my firm posture to relax somewhat. After all it was only a painting; he can't hurt me anymore. Only he did… He still found a way. This disobedient smirk reluctantly rolled across my lips; if I was conscious of it, I wouldn't have done so. "Look at him, Daddy; the man that tormented our family for so many years. He's just as imposing as ever….." My voice trailed off a bit, though my mouth didn't close. I was studying his eyes in particular; his sharp, grey, loveless eyes. "He had her just to spite me. Five generations of only male-born Bridgertons down the drain….. He should have stopped with Anthony." My own eyes narrowed onto his.

"Yeah, I know why he did what he did, Daddy. I'm aware why he hated me so much; you knew it too. And he's won; he's won the battle- doesn't get much better than a prince status-wise. But I've won the war." "You are mine, and you be mine until the day you get married. Then you'll become your husband's problem; everything you are, everything you own will be his. You are nothing without us, and all you will ever be is a good man's wife." My hand balled into a fist. "He was wrong; I've become so, so much more than merely a "good man's wife". I'm going to be the first Bridgerton ever to get a PhD- a female Bridgerton is going to be the one to break that record. Yes, I may have lost the battle, but I've won the war. I'm not his anymore; I've crawled my way to freedom and there I'm going to stay. I could never live with a tyrant worse than him. I've already experienced the worse; it's all up-hill from here. He may have had the title "Viscount", but I'm going to be a doctor. And I'm going to be one in Europe where his brother is buried. Uncle Arthur's the one who really won here; I'm going to go where he is now… where Grandfather so callously let him die alone."

Saying all this out loud was cathartic, but not as much as I'd been expecting. It was like venting to a wall, which it was but still…. No matter what I said, he still glared at me with those cold, unfeeling eyes. The same sort of eyes he looked at me with in life. Nothing had changed, and nothing would ever change when it came to us. He despised me; he died hating me, and there's nothing I can do about that. Still, I didn't want this man to control me. This horrid man…. But I had to be honest- the longer I stared at the portrait, the more intimidated I became. I felt like I'd just laid my guts out on a platter and gave it to him. He simple sneered down at it and deemed it unworthy of his attention. I was unworthy of his attention in his eyes…. Thinking about it only made my legs tremble slightly. Grandfather, Daddy's father….. My lips shook. The man I was related to by blood. The one I looked most like in the family….

"You are, by far, the greatest disappointment I've ever seen."

I bolted out of the room so fast, you'd think I saw a ghost. I didn't; just couldn't stand being in there anymore. I ran with no idea as to where I was going; I merely ran as fast as my feet could carry me. My attention was so single-minded, of escaping that overbearing prison of a room, that I didn't see anyone when I rounded the corner. I shot around the bend, only to crash into someone. We both stumbled back a few steps from the impact. My eyes winced shut.

"S-Sorry, sir! I didn't see you there." "Daphne?" They shot open at the sound of Friederich's voice. Prince Friederich was standing there, ogling me wide-eyed. "F-Friederich! I-I'm sorry!" I couldn't stop gasping for much-needed air. "Are you alright?" He was now very concerned, coming closer to me. I sucked in a few more deep breathes before answering. "Oh, I-I'm… I'm fine. I just….. needed to get away…. for a little while," that was sort of half true. I needed to get as far away as possible from that painting. Friederich put his hands on my shoulders, holding me steady.

"I've been looking all over for you. Your brother said you've likely stepped out for some air." "Er, well; he's not wrong. Sorry. I meant to come say hi sooner, but….." Once again, my voice trailed off on its own accord. Friederich continued to eye me worriedly. "You sure you're ok?" Am I ok? That's when I recalled the rose in my hand. I glanced from it to Friederich's face, grinning very timidly along the way. Grandfather may have won the battle, but I'm going to win the war…..

"Didn't you say you wanted five minutes alone in a room with me tonight?"

Friederich only gawked my way for what felt like a solid minute. But soon enough, as if a flip had been switched, he suddenly took hold of my hand. With a quick peek down the hall to make sure no one was watching, he then proceeded to lead me to the first available open and lit room he could find. This one was a much smaller sitting room, complete with old-timey sofa and fireplace. He let me go in first, coming in immediately afterwards. I saw him shut the door behind us, though wasn't sure if he was able to lock it or not. Either way, he slowly spun around on his heels so to face me.

Right then, I wasn't sure what would happen next. I'd never been in any situation like this before with a guy. How far would we go? How far did I want to go? I bristled at the thought, banishing it from my head. But I was determined to get ourselves on the right footing. This would be the first night of the rest of my life, after all…. "Daphne," Friederich took a single step toward me, like he was shy himself. It was the first time my seeing him this way. But I responded with a gentle grin. It was I who approached him next. I held the rose so he could see it. His eyebrow rose up a bit surprised.

"What's this?" "Here, I brought you a rose to pin to your shirt. Red was the only colour they had; I hope you like it." "You…. got this for me?" I nodded, my grin growing a tad. Man, did he look taken aback. He didn't do anything as I went to pin it onto his shirt, neither of us making a sound as I did so. Friederich's eyes shown down upon me. "But…. Aren't roses your favourite flower?" And I simply gazed up at to his very large eyes. "Yes…." That's all I said; that's all I had to say.

Friederich flinched at this, his arms stiffening at his sides. "Daphne, I….." But I cut him off by raising up my hand. "Before you say anything, let me tell you something. I…. I have to be honest with you: I don't love you, and I don't know if I ever will," my eyes gently lowered, him still staying silent for a moment. My smile deepened just then before I went on. "But I like you, and I think we can grow to very fond of each other, Friederich. You said once that I don't have a manipulative bone in my body; well that's simply not true. I need you to be a means to the end that I want," I paused to take in a deep, deep breath.

"But I promise I'm going to do my best to make you happy. I don't want you to be unhappy, not when I am going to be so indescribably happy. That's not fair to you, and I don't to treat that way. I promise…. I promise I'll what I can to make you not regret your choice. I'm not going to use you so callously; I would never do that to you or anyone. You won't regret it, Friederich… I'll make sure you won't."

For what felt like an eternity, the prince didn't make a peep. He just continued to stare down at me with those gigantic, absorbing eyes of his. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was a bit awe-struck. But again, that didn't last too long.

Before I knew what was happening, I was being thrown up against the wall. It didn't hurt at all; it was more like one of those scenes you'd see in a Korean drama. Not a second after my back hit the wall, both his arms were at each of my side, locking me in place. He stood in front of me with one arm planted on the wall on each other. My eyes opened from wincing shut to see him there, very near me. My heart skipped a nervous beat, this drop of sweat rolled down the back of my neck. Nothing happened for a second, then Friederich began to bring his head closer to mine. W-What's he doing? My teeth clenched together.

It took about five seconds to understand that he was about to kiss me. I'd never been kissed before and had no idea what to expect. He closed his eyes though so I thought I should do the same. My eyes slowly shut and I braced myself for my very first kiss.

But no kiss came.

After a moment of nothing pressing against my lips, I felt his forehead land onto my shoulder. He didn't say anything right away, but chuckled very gently to himself. His arms were still up around me.

"F-Friederich?" My eyes reopened confused. "I can't do it." "D-Do what?" "Do this. I can't do it to you." This both shocked and alarmed me. He couldn't kiss me? Why not? What was wrong? Friederich gradually lifted his head back up so to see me again; his expression much, much softer this time. Once more, our eyes locked onto each other's.

"Why did you have to be this way, Daphne? Why'd you have to go and complicate things?" "D-Did I really?" I had no idea what he was talking about, which I think he knew and made him chuckle more. "You really have no idea how wonderful you are….." "Friederich," my eyes widened a tad surprised. "I've loved so many women before, but you are the first woman I've ever "liked". I didn't know I could enjoy a lady's company so much…. heh, with our clothes on." "Friederich…." He chuckled, giving his head a shake.

"You're too good for me, sweetheart. And I'm going to do the first honourable thing since I got here, since I first laid eyes on you….. I'm going to let you go, so you might find someone better than me…. Someone you rightly deserve." Now my heart was beating very, very loudly. I placed my hands on his arms frantically. "Friederich, what are you saying?!" "I'm saying that you can and should do better. You're so new; so loyal. You deserve someone just as new…. Just as loyal. You'll find it; I have no doubt you will. You're like a light attracting all the moths," grinning ever so tenderly, he leaned in so to rest his forehead on top of mine. My lips parted a sliver, as did his.

"What a beautiful light…. You better take good care of it."

I have no idea why but the instant Friederich said that, it all suddenly made sense to me. He really did want to erm, hug passionately with me…. But he's putting me first now. He's thinking of me first….. Realizing this made my hands give his arms an affectionate squeeze. This man… This wonderful rouge of a man.

"Thank you, Friederich. Thank you…." He smiled brighter. "Don't ever change. You're great just the way you are." "You too. You're…. a really good person, Friederich….. A really good person. I'm so thankful I was able to meet you and be your friend. You are my friend…. There'll always be room in my friendship bank for you." His thumb reached up to caress the side of my cheek. "Same. You're more than just a sentence in my life…..

There's a whole book in my library full of you now."

I smiled and he mirrored this. Our eyes shut one more time, with his head coming back into mine. Instead of kissing me on the lips though, Friederich kissed me on the forehead. It was the first kiss I'd ever received from someone who wasn't a relative. His lips rested on my forehead for a good minute; both our eyes staying closed the entire time. Then he pulled back, finally taking his arms away- and yes, this was a symbolic jester. Or course we were each still grinning at the other, kindly so. "Don't be a stranger." "Yeah; you either." Then both our postures softened in unison. Our eyes lowered ever so gently. "Goodbye, Daphne…." "Bye, Friederich."

With that, I unhurriedly walked over to the door. Turns out it wasn't locked; I was able to turn the handle. I glanced back to Friederich one last time over my shoulder. "Safe journey back to Munich." He could read between the lines, responding with a simple smile. "I'll always be in the wings, Daphne." We watched each other for a second more before I exited the room. We wouldn't see each other for another year and a half. True to our word, Friederich and I did remain friends for the rest of our lives. What's more bizarre is he became a closer friend to my husband, becoming something of a best friend. Turns out I was right and loved Bavaria, and the royal family were lovely hosts. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

My heart sank deeper and deeper with every step I took down the hallway. That unmistakable sensation of nausea crept up again. Don't get me wrong; I was very flattered by what Friederich did for me! Only….. Now I was starting from square one again and there wasn't any time. What am I going to do now? How am I going to get out of this problem? Slowly my feet picked up the pace, until I was running again- not that I noticed nor cared. All my thoughts were on what a nightmare this was becoming. And Grandfather's face wouldn't stop popping up inside my head.

I ran and ran. I ran right past the ballroom where I didn't think anyone would have time to see me rush by. But someone did see me. My speed didn't slow down onto I was on the patio outside, only stopping before I crashed into the railing. It took me a second to gather that I wasn't out there by myself- someone had followed me out of the ballroom to the gardens.

Someone very precious to me…