50. I Can't Stop Loving You

"Miss Bridgerton."

Oh….. Oh, my heart. Why? Why did he, of all people, have to follow me out here? Why couldn't he have let me escape back to the continent without having to face him again? Why…. did the sound of his voice still quake every inch, every cell of my being?

With the upmost hesitation, I took my time spinning around to see the duke. Simon stood there, not daring to take another step towards me; a wise move on his part. He looked just as unhappy and upset as I was feeling right now. I too, was deeply frowning in his direction.

"What are you doing here?" "You're leaving London," Simon noted with some reluctance. My lip twitched. "That's right. I'm going back to Brussels…. But that still doesn't tell me why you're here." "I… I came to say goodbye," he fumbled with his words a little. "To who?" I asked before thinking; stupid question, I know. His eyes grew crisper on mine. "To you….." Oh, how this made me scowl. I was in no mood for any of this; not what with happened with Grandfather's portrait and Friederich just now. My back arched straight so to give me an air of authority.

"Your goodbye is wholly unnecessary. We are not friends; we never were friends, as you made abundantly clear." "And I am sorry for that." "Please do not apologize; there is no need. You're right; you're not my friend. A friend would never hurt me the way you did…." My lips sputtered open for a second, but it took two more for more words to come out. My body was starting to tremble at this point. "I'm going back to Brussels, and I'll likely never see you again. You should be glad of that." "I am sorry. As I've said before, I never meant to hurt you….." He breathed. I flashed him a bitter glower. "Why should I believe you? What have you done to earn my trust? You had it…. You had everything- all of me- and yet, you…." My hands balled into fists before I went on. "No, this ends here and now. I'm done; once I'm back in Brussels, don't expect to hear from me ever again. I'm going to go back to Europe where I belong, and I'm going to be very happy there." He stared at me, his eyes revealing everything. "Will you be…. happy?" Simon said this, and my resolve began to falter. Cracks showed in my face as contempt turned to sadness.

"Why would I not be? Unlike you, I know what I want, and I'm going to get it." "So you're willing to marry someone you don't love?" He had the audacity to inquire. My eyebrow twitched a tad, suddenly enraged again. "How dare you question my choices? They are my choices to make; not yours. I don't question you and your lonely choices, so don't you dare question mine. I do not have to explain myself to you; I don't owe you anything. Not a single god damn thing! You hear me? I'm going to get what I want and no one- not you nor Anthony nor Grandfather- is going to stand in my way. I'm going to be a PhD!" My foot literally stomped along with this last sentence.

The whole time Simon didn't utter a peep; he just kept watching me with those sullen, forlorn eyes of his. Meanwhile I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. It was all proving too much. I couldn't handle it…. Realizing the little temper tantrum I just had and feeling sudden profound regret and embarrassment, both my hands raised to cover my entire face. By now tears had already started streaming down the sides of my cheeks, landing on my palms and fingers. When my mouth opened to breathe, it was an ugly, crying inhale. Breathing had suddenly become so taxing and pained…. In that instance I was nothing but raw, pure emotional- I was an emotional wreck, which was proven by what I said next.

"I wish I'd never met you."

I heard Simon's lips part in a stunned gasp. Even my own eyes widened as my hands slowly lowered off my face in comprehension. But it was too late- the flood gates had been opened and there was no stopping the word vomit now. "I wish we never met. Everything hurts… Life was so much easier before I knew what…." It was then that my brain finally kicked into gear, stopping my mouth from daring to say anymore. But Simon…. His eyes were gigantic and looking right at me. I saw his own lips open a sliver, pausing a moment. "Before you knew what…..?" Him verbally saying that out loud made the blood in my veins stop. I realized I loved him a while ago but this…. this was like learning it for the first time all over again. My hand lowered and lowered, unable to do any other motion. Before I….

Before I knew what it was like to love some so much…. that all others seem utterly ridiculous.

Simon held his breath as my feet quite unexpectedly twirled right around. Before I knew what I was doing, I was walking- more like slow running- down the steps and into the garden. Away; I had to get away. That's all I knew right then. I heard the duke call out for me, but my legs wouldn't let myself stop moving forward. It didn't really matter to me that it was dark out or this is near where Nigel attacked me that first time. No, all my thoughts were on….."Miss Bridgerton. Miss Bridgerton!" I picked up the pace when I heard Simon chasing after me. God, why wouldn't he just leave me alone?! Leave me to suffer alone….

"Come back to the party," that sounded desperate. I did not stop nor reply. "Stop walking!" That sounded even more desperate. "Stop following me!" Was my tort response. "It is not safe out here," oh, now he cares about that? He thinks that is going to stop me? "I forbid you to go any further!" "Don't tell me what to do!" My own tone was growing more upset. By now we had reached a part of the garden that was out of public view. "Daphne! Will you not listen?!" I let out an audible gasp when he snatched my wrist, pulling me with enough force to not only stop me but make me turn around so to face him. Our eyes met under the moonlight; Simon still clasping onto my arm. For a moment we did nothing but stare into each other's gazes. His lips opened a sliver and mine immediately followed suit. His foot slid even closer into me. "Daphne….. Daphne," the second time he said my name was in a whisper. "Simon," I whispered with equal amount of tenderness.

Before I knew what was going on, Simon's hand released my arm. He threw both arms around me, bringing me into an embrace for the very first time. He held me so close, so near…. From the moment he brought me into him, everything that was I froze. I'd never been hugged by a man who wasn't a relative before, and it was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. Strong arms cradling me with more protectiveness and tenderness than I knew was humanly possible. I felt so safe and treasured all at once. It was like being a kitten or a branch of lilac, how warmly he gripped me. I also realized how small my frame was compared to a man's; looking at men is one thing, but being physically held by one is another. He was so strong…. So strong and sensitive. I honestly could have spent the rest of my life in his arms like that, and happily so. If I died right then and there, I would have died happy.

I'm sure Simon would have been trembling if he wasn't holding onto me so hard. I felt his arms clench behind my back. "Forgive me…. I was wrong; so wrong…." I'd never heard his voice shake so much before. My eyes widened in surprise and alarm. "S-Simon!" "I was wrong, Daphne. I thought that if I let time pass… that it would make things better; that it would heal both your and my broken heart. But I was wrong…. Oh god, was I wrong." And he drew in this long, long breathe. His hands shook ever so lightly. "Time won't fix anything…. cause it's stood still since we've been apart.

I can't stop loving you."

The planet stopped spinning in orbit. I couldn't breathe; I couldn't think….. My brain literally couldn't process those words- those sweet, sweet words of love and tenderness- he'd just said to me. I couldn't even begin to imagine…. He loves me- Simon Basset loves me. This is a dream; it must be a dream. I love Simon, but I never thought that he might return my sentiments. And just to begin to believe that he does… It doesn't seem possible. Life doesn't get that good; it's too good to be true. It doesn't work that way; life never turns out to be this good in reality. This sort of stuff only happens in the movies, but not for regular people like me….. I already had my dream, and it was obtainable. But this…. This was a whole other kind of joy, of ecstasy, of thrill… A thrill that I've never known before. This can't be real; this can't be happening to me…. Life doesn't get that good- it just doesn't.

Of course, like some sick joke from the universe, it had to come to an end. Not nearly ten seconds after Simon had told me that sentence I'll never forget as long as I live, another more angry voice filled the night air. This scene was like something out of a movie. "Bastard!" Simon had mere seconds to pull away from me before Anthony slugged him across the face, hard. Simon went tumbling to the ground while my brother firmly positioned himself between myself and the duke, not taking his sharp glare off him the whole time.

"How could you?! I let you get close to my family and this is how you repay me? By accosting my sister?! How dare you?! I trusted you! I trusted you with Daphne!" Anthony bellowed, blinded by rage. While Simon picked himself up from the dirt, wiping the blood from his lip, I too was seeing red by now. I was so done….. so done of all this stupid, idiotic nonsense. Anthony blinked when I marched over to his side in a fit of anger now myself.

"Anthony, stop it!" "Stay out of this, Daphne." Oh, that… that was the wrong thing to say to me right now. If my hands weren't already clenched into fists, they would have done so. I was so angry that my hands started to vibrate. "Enough! I've had enough of this! I'm sick of all this! Stop trying to tell me what to do and how to live my life! I can hug Simon if I want to!" "You weren't hugging him; he was hugging you," Anthony had the gull to correct me. My eyebrow twitched incensed. "Who cares?! I'm not your property, Anthony! I'll decide who I spend time with, who can talk to or dance with me, and I'll decide who can embrace me! It's my decision- mine! You, Daddy, and Grandfather have controlled me all my life, and now it is enough. I'm done! I don't care what any of you think is best for me; I am perfectly capable of choosing that for myself. I can and will take care of myself! I don't need you or anyone else watching over me, and I certainly don't need you butting in on my behalf. This isn't the Victorian Era anymore; I'm a modern woman and you better treat me as such!" I was yelling louder now than either of them had.

Anthony blinked at me in disbelief, as did Simon. I had to stop to take in some air, giving the chance for some silence to slip in. When my brother spoke next, his voice was lower and not as mad as you may expect. "I understand you're upset, but you're not thinking straight. This man has dishonoured you; he dishonoured you, he dishonoured me, and the Bridgerton family name! You think Dad would ever forgive me if I stand by and him get away with….." "Get away with what? All he did was hug me, Anthony- that's it. And last I checked, it's not your job to defend my honour." "I say it is! That's what Dad told me to do and I intend on seeing it threw. You are my sister, Daphne! You're my favourite sister….. You've always been my favourite sibling." More eyebrow twitching on my end. "How dare you?! We have six other siblings, Anthony!" "Yes, but I didn't trust them as much as I did you with Simon, and he has betrayed us both. Well, I'm not going to let him hurt you anymore." "You're the one hurting me now!" "Because I love you and I'm going to do whatever it takes to protect you! That's the promise I made to Dad!"

I froze yet again; my arms now stiff as boards at my sides. I don't think I've ever looked at my brother the way I did in that moment. Nothing but rage, fury, anger….. I glared at him, making no sound for a sheer minute. He held his breath a little as my feet suddenly stepped over to him so I was right beside him.

"When I turn thirty, I'm moving to Europe and I'm never coming back."

Having said that in a very low, dangerous tone- even for me- I immediately spun around and started to march away. The horrified expression on Anthony's face just then…. He knew what that meant. By the time I was thirty, the marriage clause on my PhD trust fund would be null-in-void. It wasn't even a consideration before, but for the first time ever, I was willing to wait it out, even if it'd severely limit my prospects of getting into PhD. I don't know how serious I was with that threat because of this, but Anthony knew things were bad since he'd push me that far…. His arm extended out in my direction in a desperate plea to stop me. "No, Daphne! Daphne, wait! Come back! Baby sis!" But I did not come back. I marched myself right out of the garden and straight home, not uttering a single noise the whole way there.

I was done with London and being part of the Bridgerton family.

Postscript:

Francesca, Hyacinth, and Gregory all anxiously watched me fly around my room, angrily tossing things into the open suitcase on my bed. "But you weren't supposed to go for two more days," Hyacinth bit her finger in a nervous way. "Sorry, but I have to leave. I've had enough of this city; I'm going back to Brussels- today."

I had just gathered together and tossed in all my research when Gregory's mouth opened to say something. But before he got the chance my phone started vibrating. Thinking it was Anthony, I foolishly decided to ignore it for a second. Or at least I did until I got a look at the screen. My three youngest siblings were surprised to see me mad scramble to answer it all of a sudden.

"Hello?" I said, brushing a few stray hairs off my face. "Hello, Daphne Bridgerton?" "Yes?" "I'm Dr. Maria Janssen. I'm calling on behalf of the history graduate department here at the University of Amsterdam. Congratulations!

We would like to make you an unconditional offer into our PhD programme."