33. I Bet These Memories Follow You Around
Thanks for the reviews guys! I appreciate them and I am really glad that you guys are enjoying this story.
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One Month Later
"So Erin, how have things been?" Dr. Sullivan asked taking a seat across from her. "You're looking really great"
Erin laughed and placed a hand on her stomach. "Thanks. I'm paying you to lie to me though"
"No. You're beautiful, Mrs. Halstead. If I was about 15 years younger and straight, your husband would have a problem on his hands" Dr. Sullivan joked.
"Thanks" Erin shook her head and smiled.
"So, how far along are you now?" Dr. Sullivan asked.
"Um, 20 weeks" Erin said running her hand over her stomach.
"Halfway there. Are you nervous?" Dr. Sullivan asked.
Erin shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. I think I'm just afraid of how much it's going to hurt"
Dr. Sullivan nodded "Well, I can tell you that it's not going to be fun. But, It's going to be worth it"
Erin nodded "It will be. It's weird you know, I lay in bed and I feel this person inside me moving and kicking and I don't know how I can love someone so much that I've never even met"
Dr. Sullivan smiled and looked at Erin "It's just a testament to the kind of mother that you're going to be, Erin. You've come so far from the person that you were a few months ago"
Erin nodded and looked down at her legs. "What did you want to talk about today?"
Dr. Sullivan shrugged his shoulders. "We can talk about anything you'd like. Thanksgiving is coming up, what are you most thankful for?"
Erin sighed "November is the anniversary of when Hank and Camille Voight took me in"
Dr. Sullivan nodded "Are you ready to talk about that?"
Erin nodded. She's talked to Dr. Sullivan about everything else, she should tell him about the night she went to live with Hank and Camille.
"It was November 13, 2002. It was a Wednesday" Erin started
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"Erin, what are you doing here?" Teddy asked as he walked out of his grade school and over to his big sister who was waiting for him.
"Did you forget? It's mom's birthday" Erin said. "We've got to go get her gift"
Teddy was quiet for a minute before he spoke "Is mama coming home tonight?"
Erin nodded "Yeah, things have been really good the past few weeks. Mom even has that job interview. I think things are really going to get better this time, Teddy"
Teddy nodded as he adjusted his backpack over his arms. "I just don't want us to be separated"
Erin wrapped her arm around her little brother "That won't happen Teddy. I promise"
"So you're going to stay at home tonight? You're going to stay with me and mama and not go with Charlie?" Teddy asked as he and Erin walked down the street.
"I'm going to stay with you, buddy. Charlie...he's busy tonight" Erin sighed. She knew she shouldn't have gotten mixed up with Charlie. He was way too old for her. But, he was taking care of her and he told her he loved her, so he must love her and at 15 Erin was pretty sure he was the one. If Charlie loved her enough to help her when her mom wouldn't, then she could love him through his demons too.
"I don't like him. He's not good for you" Teddy said furrowing his brow.
Erin smiled and ran her hand through her little brother's blonde hair. "You're sweet to look out for me Teddy. But Charlie isn't bad"
Teddy shrugged his shoulders and looked down at the ground. "I just want you to have someone that treats you nice Er Bear. It makes me mad when Charlie makes you cry. You don't deserve that sissy. You should be with somebody who makes you smile. I'm sure he's out there"
Erin pulled her arm around Teddy and pulled him closer to her "You know, out of all my brothers you're my favorite"
"I'm your only brother" Teddy laughed.
"How'd you get so wise to only be nine?" Erin asked pulling her wallet out of her purse.
"I don't know" Teddy said with a laugh.
An hour later Teddy and Erin made their way back home. They'd picked Bunny out a gold locket from Walmart that said "Mom" and a single pink rose in a little vase. Erin had picked up some things to make spaghetti for dinner and carried the grocery bag while Teddy carried the locket and the flower.
"I can't wait to give this to mama. I bet she's going to love it. I bet she can't wait to tell us about her new job. Do you think she's going to like it Er Bear?" Teddy asked.
"I sure hope so" Erin said.
The street lights were coming on as Erin and Teddy's feet trailed against the gravel road of the trailer park. Erin stopped in her steps and grabbed Teddy by the arm when she saw two men coming out of their trailer.
"What's wrong?" Teddy asked.
Erin knew who the men were. Bunny's dealers. She felt her heart sink when she watched the men get in the car and leave. Her mom had promised that this time was different and she was actually starting to believe her. Bunny had been sober and had started being her actual mother again.
"Er Bear?" Teddy asked looking up at his big sister.
Erin sighed and looked down at Teddy. "Teddy. Wait right here ok?"
Teddy looked around as the sun was setting and he took a step towards his big sister. "Erin..."
"It'll be ok, Teddy" Erin said. "I'll be right back"
"I wanna come with you" Teddy pleaded. He didn't want to stay outside by himself.
"Just wait on the porch, Teddy" Erin said as they walked up the steps.
"Ok" Teddy said taking a seat on one of the plastic chairs. "Tell mama to close her eyes"
Erin nodded as she looked back at Teddy and twisted the door knob and went inside.
The trailer was dead silent as Erin opened the door. "Mom?" Erin called as she walked in.
Erin received no answer so she walked down the hall and to her mother's bedroom. "Mom?"
No answer.
Erin pressed her hand against the bedroom door and slowly pushed it open.
Bunny laid across the bed. Needle tracks up her arms a small smile spread across her face as she looked out at nothing.
"Mom!" Erin said rushing to her mother's side and sitting next to her on the bed.
Erin leaned over Bunny and started smacking her face. "Mom. What did you take?"
Bunny ignored Erin and kept her gaze on the wall as she started to laugh.
"Mom" Erin said again.
"I didn't get that job" Bunny said.
"That's ok mom" Erin assured "You'll get the next one"
Bunny shook her head "I'm not going to get another job"
"Then I'll get a job" Erin said leaning down and brushing Bunny's hair across her forehead.
"Please, you're worthless. What kind of job are they going to give you?" Bunny asked with a laugh.
"Mom" Erin sighed.
"I'm serious, Erin" Bunny said. "Look at you, you're trash. I'm surprised you're not pregnant. And when did I tell you that you could wear my makeup to school?"
"Mom, this is mine" Erin said.
"You're a lying little bitch" Bunny said sitting up in bed.
Erin ignored her mother's harsh words and wrapped her arm around her and pulled her up. "Let's get you cleaned up"
"Don't touch me" Bunny said "Where was the money that I had in my purse?"
"Mom...I don't know" Erin said using her entire strength to pull her mom into the bathroom.
"You took it didn't you? God, you're even worse than your father" Bunny said grabbing Erin by her hair.
"Mom" Erin winced and let go of her mother causing Bunny to collapse to the floor.
Erin fought back tears as she bent down to help Bunny up.
"JUST GET AWAY FROM ME" Bunny screamed shoving Erin away from her and into the dresser.
"Mom, just let me help you" Erin pleaded. She ignored the sharp pain that radiated in her back and she knelt down beside her mother.
"Get out. You worthless bitch and don't come back" Bunny spat. "I never want to see you again. You're nothing but a little thief. Give me my money and get the hell out"
Erin stood up and looked down at her mother. She couldn't do this. Not anymore. "Mom, if I leave this time, I'm not coming back"
Bunny curled back up on the floor "Like I give a shit. I don't love you anyway. You're nothing but a disappointment. It's all you'll ever be. You were the product of a broken condom, Erin. I never wanted you"
Erin nodded "I'm sorry mom. I love you"
Erin backed towards the hallway.
"I want my money" Bunny said. "I know it's in your wallet"
"Mom. That's my babysitting money, I don't have your money. I promise" Erin tried to reason with her mother.
"You're a liar. GIVE. ME. MY. MONEY" Bunny screamed.
Erin looked down at her wallet in her hands. She had exactly $77.00 and that was for Teddy's birthday present. She'd worked her ass off to save for it. Babysitting for 3 dollars an hour for her neighbor. She'd just have to do something else for Teddy. Something special just the two of them.
Erin reached into her wallet and grabbed the money and handed it to Bunny.
Bunny jerked it out of Erin's hands. "Good, now get the fuck out"
Erin nodded and walked towards the hallway. She looked over her shoulder and said "Happy Birthday, Mom"
And she walked out the door.
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After leaving Teddy with her neighbors for the night, Erin made her way across town and to the front door of her boyfriend Charlie Pugliese's house. She didn't even knock, instead she just walked in and that's when she saw him, Charlie in the middle of having sex with some girl that she'd never met.
Erin didn't even listen to the explanation of how "She had debts to pay, baby. You know I love you"
Erin had heard that time and time again from Charlie. She couldn't listen to it. Not tonight.
So here she sat 15 years old on the street at 10pm with nowhere to go. She just needed somewhere to stay for tonight. Until she could get back to her brother. And figure something...anything...out.
Erin clung to her wallet and wrapped her arms around her as she watched various drug deals and solicitation going on around her. She remembered the card that Hank Voight had given her and how he'd kept in touch with her and told her she could call him if she needed anything. He wouldn't want to hear from her though. After all she couldn't pay him back the money she'd borrowed to get her mom a fix a few months ago. She just hoped he wouldn't be too mad. She'd pay it back. She really was going to.
Erin walked the few blocks down to the payphone all the while ignoring the cat calls she was being given. She only had 50 cents so she hoped that he'd answer the phone. Erin looked at the card and dialed the number.
After a few rings the answering machine picked up and Erin felt her heart drop to her stomach.
Erin took a deep breath "Mr. Voight, It's Erin. I know that I'm the last person who should be calling you. But if you could please come and get me I'm in Fuller Park on West 45th Street...I don't know who else to call. I know it's late and I'm sorry for calling so late and I understand if you're busy. It's just I don't have anywhere to go. And I know that's not your problem...I'm sorry I bothered you. I shouldn't have called. You don't need to come. I'll be ok. Bye"
Erin walked out of the phone booth and wrapped her arms around her. The November air was cold and Erin shivered as she walked over to a bench by the street. She took a seat and looked at her surroundings. She'd be ok to wait out the morning here.
Erin wrapped her arms around her knees and laid her head on her knees. She was on the bench for a long time. How long? She didn't know. She knew it was long enough for lights around the city to turn off and Erin knew that Hank had to have gotten her message by now. He wasn't coming. She wasn't disappointed. She knew that's how people were. She just felt alone. So...so...alone.
Erin stood up from the bench and walked across the street to the bridge. She looked down at the pavement below and then around to see if anybody was watching her. Her whole body was numb from the cold by now and she didn't think she'd feel the impact. She'd just fall asleep and that would be it.
"You're worthless" Bunny's words kept repeating in Erin's mind over and over. "I never wanted you"
Erin looked down at her shaking hands. She should just do it. Then her mom wouldn't have to worry about her being a burden anymore. And Teddy would be ok. He'd go somewhere that he'd get the life he deserved. Not some sister who shoplifted to get him food and clothes.
Erin climbed upon the metal bar just as a black car pulled up and someone got out.
"Erin?"
Erin stopped and looked at the man who was walking towards her. "Mr. Voight?"
"What are you doing?" Hank asked "I've driven all over this side of the city looking for you. Do you realize how big Fuller Park and 34th street is?"
Erin shook her head. "No. I just figured you weren't coming"
Hank shook his head "Hey...what did I tell you? You call me anytime. No matter what. I don't care if I was mad at you, you ALWAYS have a place to come"
"I'm sorry" Erin said "I don't have your money"
Hank shook his head "I don't care about that. You know what I do care about?"
Erin shook her head.
"I care about getting you somewhere that's warm" Hank said pulling off his coat and draping it over Erin. "I care about getting you something to eat. And most of all, I care about you"
Hank wrapped his arm around Erin and stepped back as Erin crashed her body into his. Sobs overtaking her as she repeated "I'm sorry. I'm sorry" over and over again.
"I've got you, Kid. You're ok now. You're going to be fine"
And Hank Voight didn't break a promise.
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Erin looked up from her hands and over at Dr. Sullivan, "And that's the story of how I went to live with Hank and Camille Voight. When I say they saved me, I mean it"
Dr. Sullivan nodded and looked at Erin. "Have you ever told your husband about your relationship with your mother?"
Erin nodded "Jay knows, but he also respects that I don't like talking about it. He's got his own stuff going on anyway"
Dr. Sullivan raised an eyebrow and kept his gaze on Erin. "His own stuff?"
Erin nodded. "Yes. I mean he's got work and I'm not making things easy on him. I know that. I haven't made things easy on him in a long time"
Dr. Sullivan picked his pen up and made a note on his tablet. "What do you mean?"
Erin rested her hand on her stomach as she felt Baby Halstead kick. "I just am afraid that Jay feels like I've trapped him"
Dr. Sullivan looked up at Erin from his notes. "Trapped him into what, Erin?"
Erin shrugged her shoulders "Everything. After he was shot was when I found out I was pregnant. And since then it's just been a roller coaster of emotions and experiences. I'm just afraid that he's going to hate me. I have been so hormonal lately and I have been taking it out on him and it's not fair. It's not right and I should be focusing more on him. Ever since he was shot our lives have been a complete tailspin. I feel like I pressured him into getting married. I just am afraid that he's going to wake up one day and realize that I was never what he wanted. I mean, I could take it. I'm used to it. But I don't want my child to grow up thinking they're not enough. I know this baby wasn't planned, but I couldn't want anything more"
Dr. Sullivan sat his notebook down on the table and was quiet for a moment before speaking.
"Erin, off the record I've seen a lot of people come in and out of here and I can sit here and tell you without medical opinion that your husband loves you, ok? I understand that you'd feel that the past few months have been rushed and chaotic and perhaps Jay does have some conflicting feelings about the last couple of months. But in my honest opinion, that's normal, pregnancy is a big adjustment for any couple and is an emotional journey alone. You two have added a wedding, and a serious injury in the mix. My advice is to tell your husband the way that you're feeling. If Jay has any concerns, I'm sure that he'll share them with you. You're very lucky to have such a supportive and loving husband. You'd be surprised how many women don't have that Mrs. Halstead"
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Jay sat at the bar at Molly's and stared down at the shot of whiskey in front of him.
The door opened and Adam Ruzek walked in and took a seat. "What up, brother?"
Jay shrugged his shoulders. "Not much"
"So are we drinking?" Ruzek asked
"Thinking about it" Jay said.
"Something wrong man?" Adam asked looking over at Jay.
"Do you think I'm going to be a good father?" Jay asked his gaze lifting from his shot over to Adam.
"What?" Adam asked.
Jay shrugged his shoulders "We bought the crib last night, Voight is supposed to come over and we're going to put it together. It's just last night buying that crib, It just makes it real, ya know?"
Adam nodded "True, but buddy. That baby's coming rather you're ready or not"
Jay sighed "I know that. I'm just asking you if you think I'm cut out for this. I mean do people look at me and actually think "dad"?"
"I don't know, but come March I'm sure a lot of women will look at you and think "DILF" if that helps" Adam joked.
"I'm being serious man" Jay said.
Adam was quiet for a moment "Man, I don't know what to tell you. If you're asking me if I think you're cut out to be a father? Yes. I do. You're supportive, a bit of a hard ass, kind, and one of the best things that you can do for your child is to love their mother. And if you love this baby even half as much as I know you love Erin, then I think it's safe to say you're going to be a fantastic father"
Jay nodded and a small smile formed on his face. "It's been a crazy few months"
Adam nodded "You're not kidding. I mean look where we were a year ago. You and Erin were just getting your assignment to go on the ship to get Lane. Look at the two of you now"
Jay nodded "It's about to get even crazier"
Ruzek laughed "Yeah, but a good crazy. God, we're going to spoil this kid so much. This boy isn't going to know what's hit him. Uncle Ruzek is going to teach him how to hunt and fish, archery, baseball, go karts. Man, I'm going to see if my parents have any of my old GI Joe's"
Jay shook his head "What if it's a girl?"
"It's not going to be" Adam assured
"And how could you know" Jay asked.
"Cause I have a sixth sense. It's a boy. It can't be a girl" Adam took a drink of his beer and sat it back down on the bar.
"And why is that?" Jay asked pushing the shot of whiskey to the side and taking a beer instead.
"Because if it's a girl, you're fucked. You're not going to know what's hit you"
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"So, thanks for all of your help with the food drive for the homeless shelter" Burgess said as she and Roman walked down the block.
"You're welcome. It was a really rewarding experience. And plus, it gave me extra time to spend with you. I wasn't going to turn that down when Platt asked me to help out" Sean said as they made their way to Kim's apartment.
"You're such a great partner, Roman" Burgess tightened her sweater around her as she and Sean made the short trek from the homeless shelter to her apartment.
"Are you cold?" Roman asked as he started to remove his own coat.
"I'm fine" Burgess assured.
"Just take my coat. It's too cold for you to not have something on" Roman slipped his winter coat off and draped it over Kim's shoulders.
"Thanks" Kim said.
"So, how are things with Ruzek?" Roman asked as he and Kim kept walking.
"They're good. I mean we have our moments, but what couple doesn't?" Kim smiled as she thought about Adam. She was crazy about him. But God how he could push her buttons.
"That's true" Roman said. "You know if you ever want to hang out again outside of work...We could find something to do"
Kim nodded "Sure, I'd like that"
Roman smiled as they slowed when they made it to Kim's apartment complex.
"Well, this is me" Kim said.
"Yeah" Roman said. "I had a really nice time tonight"
"Me too" Kim smiled "It's always rewarding to go and help other people. It puts things into perspective"
Roman nodded and he stepped forward to give Kim a hug.
"Thanks for a great night" Roman said wrapping his arms around her.
"Thanks for coming with me. You're better company than Platt" Kim joked.
"Yeah..." Roman whispered as he pulled away from Kim's hug and he leaned in and kissed her.
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Ok, so I had a PM and I think a couple comments about people wondering what was going on with Jay. The only way that I know how to explain it is, Jay is just trying to handle things the best way that he can at the moment. It's been a fast paced few months for him and I realize that some of you didn't like that he was so rough with Erin in the last chapter. I'm sorry for that.
But within the next few chapters all of that is going to be cleared up.
So, please be kind and review.
I hope that you like the chapter.