34. Without Saying You Left Me Feeling Hurt
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After having a beer with Adam, Jay went back to his apartment. He put the key in the lock and went inside. He walked into the bedroom and laid his badge and gun down on the dresser as the bathroom door opened and Erin walked out.
"Hey" Erin said as she dried her hair with a towel.
"Hey" Jay said walking over towards her.
Erin dropped the towel in the laundry basket and turned to face Jay.
"How was your day?" Jay asked leaning down to place a quick kiss on Erin's lips.
Erin shrugged her shoulders "It was ok, Platt is definitely interesting to work with some days"
"Really?" Jay asked.
"She and "Mooch" had their anniversary on Saturday and I heard every detail about that. Every. Single. Detail" Erin walked over to the dresser and ran a comb through her hair as she pulled it into a loose bun.
"Sounds interesting" Jay unhooked his belt and slipped it through the loops before hanging it up in his closet.
"Did you know "Mooch" isn't circumcised?" Erin asked she pulled the bottom of her tank top up and squirted some Palmers Cocoa Butter lotion over her stomach.
"What?" Jay asked turning to look at his wife.
Erin finished rubbing the lotion onto her baby bump and left her hand on her bare stomach as she felt Baby Halstead's foot kick against her hand. "Platt asked me if we had a son if we were going to get him circumcised. I told her we hadn't talked about it and she told me that "Mooch" isn't"
Jay slipped his shoes off and put them in the closet. "I didn't need to know that. And I really didn't want to know that"
Erin pulled her tank top back down and sighed "Did you think that I wanted to know that? Anytime he stops by now that's all I'm going to think about"
Jay shook his head as he took a seat on his bed. Erin walked over and sat down beside him. "Do you think that I wanted to hear about it?"
Jay shrugged his shoulders "You didn't say anything about me did you?"
Erin nodded "Oh of course, Platt knows everything. Everything from that birthmark on your thigh that looks like a heart to your stamina in bed...or lack of sometimes"
Jay furrowed his brow "Lack of stamina?"
Erin nodded "Yeah, I mean. It's not your fault though. Happens to every guy right? I just didn't know what I was in for"
Jay reached over and placed his hand on Erin's stomach "Well, all that "lack of stamina" sure had its effect on you"
"Oh this?" Erin asked looking down at her stomach and placing her hand on top of Jay's. "I feel like I should tell you...I'm not sure it's yours"
"Well, I had heard some rumors. But I didn't want to say anything" His blue eyes locking with Erin's hazel ones.
"It's probably better I tell you now" Erin tightened her grip on Jay's hand.
"It's Voight's right?" Jay asked.
Jay bit back a smile as he watched Erin's face turn into a look of disgust and she held her hand up "Ok, too far"
Jay laughed and leaned down to kiss Erin's shoulder as he ran his hand over her stomach "Mommy's not very funny is she?"
As if on cue Baby Halstead kicked against Jay's hand and he raised his gaze up to Erin's "See. Even the baby agrees"
"I think that's just her way of tell you to be nice to her mama" Erin said with a smile.
"Maybe our son is just trying to tell you he's siding with his old man already. The testosterone in this place is going to increase soon" Jay kept his hand on Erin's stomach as the baby continued to move around under his hand.
"Two men I have to clean up after?" Erin sighed. "I don't know about that"
"Well, there aren't enough gun cleaning products on the market for us to have a daughter" Jay mumbled as he dropped his hand from Erin's stomach.
"Can we just agree that no matter what this baby is, that we're going to be ok?" Erin asked trying to break the ice to address the issues she and Dr. Sullivan talked about.
"What do you mean?" Jay asked.
Erin shrugged her shoulders. "I know that the past few months have been really fast paced and hectic and not what we expected. I mean I love you and I know that you love me. It's just this year has been one unexpected thing after another"
Jay sighed as he thought for a moment. "I won't disagree with you when you say it's been an interesting year. I mean a year ago we were just friends, partners working together everyday and then we went on that boat and it was the start of the best and worst year of my life"
Erin looked down at the ground before looking at her husband. "Do you want me to go to my apartment? I could stay there for awhile. My lease isn't up until February. I could stay there until then"
Jay shook his head "I don't want you to go anywhere. Why would you even ask that?"
Erin was quiet for a few moments before she spoke "I don't know. I just thought that you might want some time to adjust"
Jay sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "This is why I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want it to turn into this. I don't know why you think I'd ever want you to leave. I'm scared Erin. I don't want to be like my dad, I don't know how to be a father. I barely know how to be a husband"
Erin reached her hand out and took Jay's hand. "You're not like him. You'll never be like that. Is that what you're afraid of?"
Jay didn't look at Erin. "You don't know what he was like Erin. What kind of man am I to be glad my father's not around?"
Erin nodded "Jay, I know this hasn't been easy for you. I don't want you to hold things back from me though. I'm your wife, I can handle anything that you have to tell me. We will get through it together. I don't want you to think you can't tell me things. I know that I've been really hormonal lately and I know that I haven't made this pregnancy easy on you, or even a wedding. I should've put my focus on you after you were shot, and for that I'm sorry. I just don't want you to hate me"
Jay shook his head "Erin, I'd never hate you. Sure, the past few months have been crazy, but I wouldn't change it for anything. Sure there have been some pretty shitty things that have happened in the past year, but they led us here. And here is good. Here is beyond anything I could ever want or dream of"
Jay brought his hand back up and put it on Erin's stomach. "Here...is everything I could ever want. I just didn't want to put anymore stress on you then you need. I just don't want to disappoint you as a husband or a father"
Erin shifted on the bed and looked at Jay "You'd never disappoint me. It scares me when you hold back from telling me things. I don't ever want to lose you and I feel like when you don't tell me how you feel that you're pushing me away and If I lost you...I..."
Jay raised his hand up to Erin's cheek as he watched her eyes well with tears. "Baby, don't cry"
Erin nodded and exhaled deeply "I love you so much. I want you to be honest with me. I know you're scared. I'm scared too. Can we just be scared together?"
Jay smiled and nodded "Of course"
Erin smiled through tears as she felt Jay run his hand over her cheek.
"I love you, Erin" Jay whispered.
"I love you, so much" Erin whispered back.
Jay gave Erin a quick kiss on the lips and pulled back to look at her. "Are you hungry?"
Erin sighed and shook her head "No. Just tired"
Jay nodded "Well, you get some rest. I'm going to take a shower and I'll join you in a few minutes"
"Ok" Erin leaned in and gave her husband a slow kiss and then pulled back.
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One Week Later
"So what exactly are we looking for?" Adam asked as he and Kim pulled into the parking lot of Babies R Us.
Kim didn't respond her gaze focused on the store. She didn't know how to tell Adam about the kiss. She knew he was going to be mad about Roman kissing her. She knew she needed to tell him, she just didn't know how.
"Hey, space cadet" Ruzek snapped his fingers next to Kim's ear.
Kim looked over at Adam. "What'd you say...sorry"
Adam made a face as he looked at Kim "What are we looking for in the store?"
"Oh...oh...um just baby shower presents" Kim forced a smile as she looked at her boyfriend.
"Burgess, are you ok?" Ruzek asked furrowing his brow at her.
"Yeah, I'm fine" Kim assured.
"You're acting weird...I mean...weirder than usual" Adam watched as Kim unbuckled her seat belt and reached down on the floor for her purse.
"I'm ok. I just was thinking about what all I need to get" Kim pulled down the visor and checked her reflection.
"If you say so" Adam brushed the encounter off. He wasn't going to press Kim on what was bugging her. But he wasn't stupid either. She'd been acting distant and unlike herself all week, and he was going to find out what was bothering her. One way or another.
"You ready to go in?" Burgess asked.
"Sure" Ruzek said getting out of the car.
Adam walked around the car and took Kim's hand as they walked into the store. "You never told me how the food drive went last weekend"
Kim felt her heart skip a beat as she got a cart. "It was fine"
Adam nodded "I wish I could've been there"
Kim shrugged her shoulders "It's ok. No big deal"
Ruzek sighed "Did Roman behave"
"Of course" Kim said a little too quickly.
Ruzek sighed as he watched Kim walk towards the baby clothes before he followed her. He looked through the rack of clothes and smiled "Burgess, this one. Let's get this one"
Kim looked over from the wall of white sleepers to Ruzek who was holding up a hanger with a dark blue onesie with a pair of handcuffs that read "Daddy's Favorite Backup"
Kim shook her head "We can't. It's not gender neutral"
Ruzek shook his head "Yes, we can. Hell, if it's a girl then they can just put one of those horrid headbands that are as big as the baby's head"
Kim rolled her eyes as Adam walked over and threw the onesie in the cart. "You can tell them that's from you"
Adam shrugged his shoulders. "I don't understand why it's 2015 and they're not going to find out what that baby is"
Kim knelt down and looked through a pack of white sleepers. "It's their decision"
Adam nodded "Yeah, but white is so informal. If this was our baby. I'd want to know"
"You would?" Burgess asked looking up from where she was knelt on the ground.
"Well, yeah. I mean if the Halstead's are having a boy, then the Ruzek's are going to have a girl and 30 years from now, we're going to be shopping for the Ruzek and Halstead wedding" Adam looked through the onesies and sighed.
A smile formed on Kim's face as she stood up. "You think about things like that?"
Adam shrugged his shoulders as he pulled out a blue onesie and looked at it. "Sometimes. I mean when your friends get married and start kids, you think about it. And with our line of work, I think about my mortality a lot"
Kim smiled as she walked over to Adam. "I think about it, too. And I want that with you...so much"
Adam put the onesie in his hand back on the rack and pulled Kim over to him. "If you're serious, I think there's a bathroom at the back of the store"
Kim shook her head "You know, if we do have a child together, it will one day ask how it came to be and I don't want to say "Well, your dad had at me in a Babies R Us bathroom"
Adam laughed and placed a kiss on Kim's forehead. "I think it gives our story color. The Devil's in the details"
Kim shook her head and smiled and Adam smiled back. As some relief washed over him to see Kim finally smiling a real genuine smile in a week.
"Let's go look at the bottles" Kim said dropping a pack on sleepers in the cart.
Adam followed Kim through the store to the aisle of baby bottles and binkeys. "What the hell? Is there not just a regular bottle?"
Kim shook her head "No, but I thought I'd pick up a few. I know Erin said she was going to try nursing, but If she's going to pump then she'll need bottles"
Adam made a face and held his hand up "I don't want to even think about that. Breastfeeding and Erin...no thanks"
Kim turned her head. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Adam shook his head "It doesn't mean anything. It just means, I'd rather not think of my best friend's wife like that. And Erin's your best friend, do you really want me to think about your best friends boobs?"
Kim picked up some extra bottles for the pump that Erin and her had bought a few days ago and sat them down in the buggy. "It's not sexual, Adam. It's feeding a baby"
Adam looked at the wall of binkeys in front of him and shook his head "What the hell does any of this even mean? BPA free? Orthodontic pacifier? Silicone? The entrance exam to the academy wasn't this stressful"
Kim walked over to Adam and grabbed a pack of newborn soothie binkys "We'll just get this"
"So, are you going to tell me what's bothering you?" Adam asked.
"Nothing is bothering me" Kim said.
"You're lying. If it's something I did just tell me. I'm sorry I don't know this baby stuff" Adam put his hands in his pockets and looked at Kim.
"It's nothing you did" Kim sighed. "In fact you were right about a lot of things"
Adam walked over to Kim when he saw her shoulders slump and he placed a hand on her shoulder in support. "Burgess, you know you can tell me anything"
"Roman kissed me"
Kim felt Adam's entire body tense "Excuse me?"
Kim turned and looked at him "It meant nothing"
"And you're just now telling me?" Ruzek asked.
Kim's gaze lifted from the ground up to Adam. And she gasped as she saw the look on his face. It could only be described as hurt and anger and betrayal.
"Adam" Kim said taking a step towards Ruzek as he stepped back and held his hand up.
"Check out. I'll be in the car" Adam said turning on his heel and walking down the aisle.
Kim felt her heart sink. She knew Adam would be upset. But she didn't think the look on his face would've broken her heart the way that it did. She suddenly wasn't in the mood to baby shop anymore. So she left the cart sit and followed Adam out of the store.
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A shrill ring filled the apartment as Jay opened his eyes and tried to focus his eyes on the bedside clock.
1:34 am
Jay groaned and reached for the source of the noise as Erin stirred next to him.
"Hello?" Jay said into the phone.
"Jay, it's Teddy, is my sister there?"
Jay sat up in bed and flipped the bedside light on. Teddy had never called the apartment before. Anytime that he needed to talk, he called Erin's cell.
Jay looked over at Erin who was laying on her side asleep. her arm draped over her stomach as she slept.
"She's asleep" Jay explained "Can I help you with something?"
"I came home from work and my mom and Johnny must've had a fight. She's relapsed and I need Erin's help. I don't know what she took but it's bad" Teddy explained.
"Where are you?" Jay asked.
"I'm parked in front of your building. Mom's with me. She's in and out of it" Teddy reached over and touched Bunny's sweaty neck to make sure his mother still had a pulse.
"I'm on my way down" Jay said as he hung up the phone.
Jay looked over at Erin as she began to wake up from all the noise. She raised a hand to her face and rubbed her tired eyes as she sat up. "What's going on?"
Jay put the phone back on the base. "It's Teddy. Your mom relapsed"
Erin nodded as she pulled the covers back and got out of bed. "Where are they?"
"They're in front of the building" Jay answered.
"I'll go get her" Erin slipped a sweatshirt on and pulled it down over her baby bump and slipped a pair of tennis shoes on.
"I'll get her. Erin, you can't be pulling and lifting her" Jay slipped out of bed and pulled a shirt on as he slipped his own shoes on.
"It's my responsibility. I told Teddy if he needed me he knew where to come" Erin walked out of the bedroom and to the door with Jay following behind her.
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Sean Roman sat in Molly's nursing his beer as he looked around the bar. He was the only one representing District 21 tonight and he sighed as he thought back to the kiss he'd given Kim
"Are you out of your mind?" Kim asked as she shoved Roman away from her.
"No...I just thought...I mean surely you feel it between us too" Sean stumbled over his words.
"I have a boyfriend" Kim slipped the jacket that Roman had put over her shoulders off and tossed it to him.
"For now...I mean do you really think that Adam Ruzek is your type?" Roman asked.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Kim asked.
She was ready to hit Roman. How dare he kiss her like that and take advantage of their partnership and friendship.
"I'm just saying. I don't think many people look at you and think "Oh, they're in it for the long haul" You're too classy of a girl for Adam Ruzek" Roman explained taking a step towards Kim.
"Sean, you need to go home" Kim said sternly"
"I'm in love with you Kim. And It's just a matter of time before you realize that you love me back" Sean said as he gave Kim one last look and walked away.
Roman shook his head and took a swig of his beer as the door to Molly's opened up and his name was yelled through the bar.
Roman turned his head and saw Adam Ruzek standing by the door. "Come outside man, let's have a chat"
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