56. Losing Something You Can't Replace

Before you read, can we just talk about the pictures of Sophia and Jesse? Ugh, it's had me in the best mood since I saw them. I'm just so happy for them. And how about the premiere? What did you guys think? I loved it. I thought it was the best premiere so far and I can't wait to see what Season Three has in store and I'm even more excited for the Linstead Couch stuff. Of course, they've already had a few go arounds on the couch in this story. ha-ha.

I hope that you guys like the chapter.

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Kevin Atwater opened his eyes and instantly felt the pain that radiated over his entire body and he knew in a moment that he couldn't feel his legs; the rest of his body from the waist up felt like a thousand knives were stabbing him all over. He couldn't breathe or think about anything but the pain. The whole car was silent except for the sound of rain pelting against the roof. Atwater could hear muffled voices that sounded a lot like Kelly Severide and Matthew Casey and sirens in the distance as he struggled to stay awake, he silently prayed to God that he'd hear Jay's voice but he heard nothing but the sounds of people working to get the car open. Atwater looked over to the passenger side and he let out a sob when he was met with Jay's lifeless body. Kevin turned his head back over as the feeling of fatigue radiated over him and he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

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Kim was sleeping while Adam gently cradled Jackson in his arms as he relaxed in the glider that was next to the bed. Adam watched Jackson's eyelids flutter softly as he slept peacefully in his father's protective embrace.

Unable to resist the soft skin of his son, Adam gently brushed his lips against Jackson's forehead, awed and amazed at the life he and Kim created. It didn't seem real that someone so perfect could be part of him. Part of Kim, yes. But not part of him.

Adam looked over at Kim's peaceful form as she slept in the partially darkened room. It was getting late and as tired as Adam was, he couldn't bring himself to leave the hospital. He couldn't bring himself to leave them. He hadn't slept in over twenty four hours but he felt more exhilarated than he ever had.

"I love you so much, Jackson," Adam whispered as his gaze fell back to his son.

"I promise you I'm going to be the best dad I can. I promise that you'll always know I love you and believe in you." Adam's voice cracked softly as he spoke. "You will never doubt for one second that your daddy loves you with all his heart."

Jackson started to stir and then began to whimper softly. Adam stood, walking and bouncing the baby gently.

"Hey little guy," Adam nuzzled Jackson's head gently. "Are you hungry again?" Adam looked over at Kim and she was stirring softly herself. "Mommy's still sleeping. She worked just as hard as you today. Can we let her sleep a little while longer?"

Jackson's eyes fluttered open and a small yawn escaped his lips. Adam's heart melted at the sight but cringed slightly as Jackson began to cry. He wanted something that only his mother could give him and Adam turned and looked helplessly at a now awake and smiling Kim. Her eyes were soft with sleep and Adam felt the heart that was just melting stumble and drop out of his chest.

She looked tired and haggard but she had never looked more beautiful to him. And he knew in that one instant he'd never loved her more than he did at this moment.

"Hey," Kim said softly.

"Hey Darlin'." Adam walked toward her as he rocked the now wailing baby gently in his arms, trying to calm him. "Shhh, it's okay."

Jackson was straining towards Adam's chest, his mouth making sucking motions and Adam laughed softly. "I don't have the right equipment there, buddy."

Kim laughed along with Adam as she pushed herself into a sitting position and lowered her hospital gown. Adam gently placed Jackson in her arms and Kim brought him to her breast. He grunted and latched onto her nipple as he began to nurse.

Adam sat gently on the mattress next to them and he watched in awe as Kim nourished their son. Adam had always been amazed at what women were capable of doing with their bodies. But the very sight of Kim and Jackson together took his breath away.

If he was honest, he'd admit that there was a small part of him that was envious.

Envious of the bond she was able to have with Jackson. Something he could never have. But the overwhelming love he felt for them overpowered that.

Kim watched his face and smiled at the myriad of emotions she saw passing over his handsome features. He looked so incredibly exhausted. She was sure he was just as exhausted as she was, but the excitement and wonder she saw in his eyes warmed her heart.

Adam looked up and grinned at her. "Can I just tell you how incredibly jealous I am of him right now?"

Kim rolled her eyes and shook her head and he winked at her, glad she had her sense of humor back. It had gotten pretty scary in that delivery room for a while.

Adam lifted his hand to her cheek and leaned over Jackson to kiss her softly, his thumb gently stroking her cheek. Kim sighed into his mouth, loving the feel of his lips on hers. "Thank you," he murmured softly against her lips.

"For what?" Kim asked quietly as she pulled back and looked down at her son again. Her finger brushed his cheek gently as he gurgled softly around her nipple.

"For Jackson," Adam said simply and she looked back up at him. "For giving me my son."

Tears sprung unbridled into Kim's eyes at his heartfelt words. "Oh, Adam," was all she could say at that moment, her emotions overwhelming her.

Jackson grunted softly again as he released her nipple and Kim turned him around so he could nurse from her other breast. She still wasn't producing much colostrum so each time she fed him, he'd nurse from both of her breasts.

"He's got his father's appetite," Kim commented teasingly and Adam narrowed his eyes at her as she fluttered her eyes at him innocently.

As Jackson hungrily suckled Kim, he pawed her breast softly and Adam chuckled. "Looks like he's inherited his father's fascination with breasts too."

"Adam," Kim scolded him and shook her head as he stuck his tongue between his teeth and wriggled his eyebrows. Kim laughed softly at his antics. He was no more than a kid himself sometimes. Or was that a horny teenager?

Kim sighed contentedly. "I am perfectly happy Adam. I have never been happier in my entire life."

Adam leaned forward again to kiss her. "Me too, Darlin. Me too."

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Erin walked through the sliding glass doors of the entrance to Chicago Med Emergency Room. She felt a wave of unnerving familiarity wash over her as the antiseptic smell of the hospital assaulted her nostrils, and she was transported back to the day Jay was rushed through those very doors. She'd decided that day that she never again wanted to come through those doors because someone she cared about was hurt. Yet, here she was again and she wasn't sure how much she could take.

When Hank had woken her out of a sound sleep and told her there had been an accident and she needed to get to the hospital right away, the first thing that entered her mind was "Not Again"

When Hank told her that Jay and Atwater had been in a car accident on their way to get a lead from a CI's tip and the person who'd hit Jay and Kevin had been thrown from the truck and died at the scene she felt relief. Only to immediately have it replaced with an enormous sense of guilt for ever thinking such a thing.

Then when Hank told her that it didn't look good for Jay and Kevin and she should really get to the hospital before it was too late, Erin finally let the enormity of what had happened sink in and quickly left the bedroom.

A few minutes later Hank found her in Everly's room at his house, standing over her daughter, gently caressing the soft hairs on top of the little girl's head. He didn't say a word because that wasn't what she needed at that moment and as always he knew it. She only hugged him, her body shaking slightly, and he wrapped her in his arms, grateful for his love and understanding and unwavering support which he always seemed to show her.

Hank pulled her back into her bedroom and offered to call Platt to come over and watch Evie so she could go with him to the hospital, knowing without words that he had to go. But she refused his offer to accompany her, insisting there was no reason for them to both go and she felt better knowing he was home safe and sound with Everly.

Now, as she looked to her right and saw the small group of people huddled in the corner of the room, waiting worriedly for news on the condition of their family and friends, she wished more than anything she'd let him come; the reality of how much of an outsider she was with these people really hitting home, sending a wave of nausea through her.

Hesitantly she started towards them when Olinsky looked over and saw her, relief washing over his face, and he rushed up to Erin.

"Erin, thank god you're here." Alvin threw his arms around Erin but Erin's body just stiffened at the contact, feeling completely out of place for some reason, maybe out of place wasn't the right word. Numb. Just numb to it all. Every hug, every word, every sound.

"Oh, Erin," Jay's mother's shrill voice rang out when she saw her and she rushed over to her, her face swollen and red from crying. Erin felt the bile rise in her throat when she turned to face her. She didn't know what to say to Arden.

"My baby," she cried as she burst into tears and threw her arms around her. Erin closed her eyes and awkwardly hugged her in return, the pressure in her chest almost suffocating her. This was Jay's mother, the woman who gave him life, and yet Erin didn't want her embrace.

It wasn't that she didn't care about Jay's mother, she did. So much, she did. But drawing back was Erin's coping mechanism. And it always had been. So while everyone aound her was freely showing their emotions, she couldn't help but close herself off as thoughts of her husband and Atwater filled her mind.

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"Arden," she said quietly as she pulled away from her. "Are you alright?"

She nodded her head as her eyes welled with tears. "I'm fine. But...but...Jay" she started and then Antonio wrapped his arm around her as she began sobbing again.

"Mrs. Halstead, why don't you sit and rest" Antonio soothed in her ear. "You heard the doctor, you need to stay calm. I'll fill Erin in."

Arden Halstead nodded and let herself be led back to a seat by Jay's sister, Rachel. as Antonio walked over to Erin.

"Hey," she said softly and hugged him, instinctively sensing how uncomfortable Erin was and knowing she needed the arms of someone she believed cared about her.

"I'm really glad you're here" Erin said into Antonio's chest..

Antonio nodded "Wouldn't be anywhere else"

Erin nodded and pulled away from Antonio's arms "Have you heard anything about Atwater?"

Olinsky walked back up at that moment. "Hey Antonio, would you get Jay's mom a cup of coffee. I'll fill Erin in"

Antonio nodded his head and squeezed Erin's hand before going off to the coffee machine in the corner of the room and Olinsky led Erin away from everyone else, who was wrapped up in their own thoughts.

"How come Hank didn't come with you?" Alvin asked as they both sat in chairs near the door. The emergency room was eerily quiet, only one other group sitting on the opposite side of the room, periodically glaring in the direction of Erin and everyone, and that only added to the anxiety Erin felt.

"Al, it's the middle of the night. I have a one year old daughter and I couldn't just load her up and bring her out here if Jay..." Erin couldn't finish her sentence as even the thought of losing her husband was too much for her to take.

"Hey...Hey" Alvin said reaching an arm out to wrap around Erin. "Halstead's going to be just fine. And you shouldn't think otherwise"

Erin wiped a tear that had fallen from her eye and looked at Alvin. "Did I do the wrong thing leaving Evie at home?"

Alvin shook his head. "I think you're right. Everly needs to be safe at home". Alvin felt awkward saying that to Erin, but he understood that Erin tried too hard to do right by everyone but sometimes he didn't understand why. He had known her since she was just a hard ass teenaged girl, and while he wasn't her father or a stand in father like Hank. He still thought of Erin as his kid. And he really wished she'd have more faith in herself as not only a detective, but a wife and mother and friend.

"How the hell did it happen?" Erin asked her shaking voice breaking the silence.

Olinsky lowered his voice a bit and slid closer to Erin so that no one around could hear them. The guy who hit Jay and Kevin...He'd been drinking at a party and he wasn't in any condition to drive"

"And nobody stopped him?" Erin asked incredulously, knowing how against drinking and driving everyone was since Nadia's death.

"I don't know, Erin" Alvin didn't really know what to say. He didn't have an answer for Erin. As much as he wanted to, he didn't.

Alvin sighed before continuing. "He hit them and pushed them off the road before he slammed into a telephone pole." Alvin looked toward the double door leading into the emergency room and wished desperately that someone would come out and tell them something soon, otherwise he was going to lose it.

"They rushed them both into surgery as soon as they got here. But hopefully Lord willing things will be ok. But when Atwater came in, he was awake and he kept saying he couldn't feel his legs" Olinksy said softly clearing his throat.

"He's paralyzed?" Erin asked in disbelief.

"They don't know yet. It could just be swelling from a broken vertebre in his back. But they said they'd know more when they got in there" Alvin answered

"I asked the nurse when I came in about Jay. But she said all she knew was that he was in surgery and that he had a lot of internal bleeding" Erin's eyes welled with tears and they freely fell down her cheeks as she finally broke down.

Alvin felt an ache in his chest as he looked at Erin and he wrapped an arm around her as his gaze rose to the ER doors in hopes of getting an answer soon.

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Adam sat in the glider with Jackson in his arms as he waited for Kim to finish in the bathroom. He was taking her home this morning and she was showering quickly before they left. The doctor had come by and gave her the okay to head home and he thought he had never seen such relief register on her face. Jackson was already dressed and ready to go, so he and Adam were just waiting on mom.

Kim walked out of the bathroom fresh and clean, wrapped in a large white towel. Adam looked up from where he was studying Jackson's face and he smiled appreciatively.

"Adam, don't smile at me. I told you yesterday I am never having sex with you again so just find something else to focus on while I get dressed, will you?"

Adam could hear the teasing tone in her voice and chuckled. "Do you hear that Jackson? Are you going to let your mommy be mean to me like that?"

Adam's face was down as he addressed his son but his eyes were watching his wife as she dropped the towel she was wearing and reached for her clothes that were laid out neatly on the bed. The sight of her naked body had him groaning with desire inside.

"Of course he's going to let me talk to you like that. He knows where his food comes from." Kim pulled her sweatpants on and reached for her bra. "Don't think I don't see your eyes Ruzek. I'm a mother now. It comes with the territory."

"Busted," Adam whispered to Jackson softly but the sleeping boy didn't even flinch. In fact he hadn't flinched one bit throughout his parents' entire conversation.

"He sure sleeps a lot," Adam commented as he stood and stretched his legs.

"He's a newborn Adam. All he's going to do right now is sleep and eat." Kim pulled her shirt over her head and settled on the edge of the bed to put her socks and shoes on.

"I know." Adam pouted softly and Kim smiled as she stood and he stepped closer to her. "I just want to spend time with him."

Kim put her hands on his arms and tilted her face up to kiss him. "Me too," she admitted softly as she stepped back and looked down at her sleeping son.

Adam didn't take his eyes from her face, just let them drink in her beauty.

"Hey Burgess?."

Kim looked back up at him and saw that his eyes had darkened. "Just for the record. For a woman who just gave birth twenty four hours ago, your body is bangin." His eyes softened even as hers misted. "You're beautiful, Darlin'."

"Take us home, daddy," Kim managed over the lump in her throat as Adam handed Jackson to her and helped her into the wheelchair.

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Erin's eyes opened and she groaned as her vision adjusted to the lit up ER waiting room. She lifted her head off of Alvin's shoulder and rubbed her tired eyes before looking at her watch. It was 9am and Jay and Kevin had both been in surgery all night long. Erin had managed to stay up until 7 when she called Hank to tell him what little that she did know and to check on Everly, who Hank said was happily watching Elmo and eating breakfast.

After talking to Hank, Erin had went back to sit down and she must've dozed off because next thing she knew she was asleep on Alvin's shoulder.

The sound of the surgical doors opening and a doctor walking out brought Erin's attention up to the man standing in scrubs.

"Family of Kevin Atwater?" The doctor asked.

"That's me" Atwater's mother said standing up.

"I'm Doctor Presley. Kevin suffered a serious concussion he has a lot of cuts and scrapes and he has a broken leg and a few broken ribs from the impact of the accident. What I'm most concerned about is the impact on Kevin's spine. Along with the broken ribs, Kevin suffered a few broken vertebrae in his lower back and it's caused a spinal cord injury. Until Kevin wakes up and the swelling in his spine goes down, we don't know how bad the damage is"

"Is my boy going to be able to walk?" Atwater's mother asked holding a few tissues up to her mouth as her tears fell freely.

"I'm hoping. Like I said the swelling going down will tell us what we need to know. And even if Kevin would be paralyzed, there are degrees of it. There's no reason to believe that Kevin can't have a long and promising life ahead of him" Dr. Presley assured.

"Can I see my son?" Atwater's mother asked.

"Of course, right this way." Dr. Presley looked around the room. "Visiting in the ICU is one person per patient. So you'll have to take turns going in"

Kevin's mother nodded and followed Dr. Presley out of the room and towards the ICU.

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Adam laid Jackson on the changing table in the nursery. He unsnapped the onsie that Jackson was wearing as the baby's eyes fluttered tiredly.

"Aww, tired boy," Adam cooed as he removed Jackson's diaper and lifted the half asleep, naked infant, cradling him against his chest as he walked across the hallway to the bathroom. Kim had just finished filling the small plastic baby tub that fit comfortably inside the small bathroom sink.

Kim's hair was wet and piled on top of her head in a sloppy bun since she had just finished her own shower. After she returned home she took another shower. The one she took at the hospital was enough to get her home but she didn't really feel clean until she took one in her own bathroom. She was now dressed comfortably in her pajamas, the sleeves pushed up her arms, and she and Adam were giving Jackson his first real bath.

Adam had hardly put Jackson down since they walked in the door. It warmed Kim's heart knowing how much he wanted to participate in every part of Jackson's life. Adam was completely in love with his son and it took Kim's breath away to see how he was with the little boy.

She'd always believed he'd make a wonderful father. But seeing him approach her with Jackson cuddled against his own bare chest, his lips brushing gently over the small boys soft hair, murmuring soft words of love, Kim knew without a doubt that he was going to be the prefect dad.

She smiled as Adam lifted his eyes and looked at her, his eyes questioning and tentative. Kim reached her hand out to him and guided him over to the sink.

"Come on daddy, you're up."

Adam smiled gratefully as Kim grabbed the washcloth and handed it to him. She could tell he wanted to bathe Jackson but wasn't sure if he was stepping on her "new mommy" toes. She could also see how frightened he was of the whole thing as well. She'd helped bathe her niece as a baby and she'd helped Erin with Everly, but Adam had never had the opportunity to really interact with a baby that small. She could see his hesitation and she wanted to try to help him feel more at ease.

Adam placed Jackson gently into the warm shallow water and the baby's body jerked softly. Kim stood beside Adam and squeezed some baby soap onto the washcloth he'd moistened in the water. Jackson sighed softly in his sleep as Adam began gently washing his small body.

"He already knows your touch," Kim murmured as she tilted her face up to kiss Adam's cheek.

"Either that or he's dreaming about the police car mobile over his bassinet." Kim giggled softly and reached out to hold Jackson's head steady so Adam could wash his small back.

"You're doing great Adam. You're a natural at this. I might just have to let you give all the baths."

"I'd do it too." Adam whispered softly as he took the small cup beside the tub and poured some water over Jackson's tummy to rinse him off. "How do I wash his hair? I can't pour water over his head yet, can I?"

"Just use the cloth. He doesn't have enough hair yet to need to use anything else." Adam followed her direction as she held Jackson's slumping body. Her thumb brushed softly against his lips as she maneuvered him and his tongue peeked between his lips.

"He's got a lot of hair for a baby." Adam replied with something like offense in his tone and Kim laughed.

"Yeah, but it will probably fall out. That's usually what happens."

When Adam was finished, Kim motioned toward the baby towel hanging on the hook beside the sink. Adam grabbed it and Kim lifted Jackson out of the water. Adam wrapped his shivering body in the soft cotton and Kim placed him gently in Adam's arms again.

Adam inhaled the soft scent of the newly washed baby and he smiled.

"I've always loved how babies smell," Kim commented as they walked into the nursery and Adam placed Jackson back on the changing table, drying his body thoroughly.

"Yeah, when they're fresh and clean. Get near one after they've had prunes or something though, they're not so sweet smelling." Adam chuckled as he fastened the diaper.

"Well I guess you should be thankful I'm breastfeeding then."

"Huh?" Adam looked at her puzzled as he buttoned up Jackson's green Winnie the Pooh sleeper.

"Babies that are breastfed exclusively don't have an odor to their poops."

Adam raised his eyebrow as he lifted Jackson and handed him to Kim. "Really? I didn't know that."

Kim cradled Jackson close and he burrowed his face in her breasts, his lips instinctively moving even though he was still asleep. "Yep." Kim walked out of the nursery and into their room. "So you have about six months before you have to put a clothespin on your nose to change his diaper."

"Thank God. I wasn't looking forward to that." Adam teased as he wrapped his arms loosely around her and the baby. He leaned down and kissed Kim softly before placing just as gentle a kiss on the top of Jackson's head.

"Thank you, Burgess, for letting me give him his bath."

"Adam, you're his father. You have just as much right as well as responsibility to bathe him."

"I know. I just…. I don't want you to think I'm trying to…" Adam huffed out a frustrated breath.

Kim's eyes softened. "Adam, I want your help with him. I can't do this alone and I need every bit of help you're willing to give me. Yes, only I can feed him, but that doesn't mean you can't be part of it and part of every other part of his life."

"I love you," Adam murmured as he kissed her lips again.

Jackson started to whimper in her arms and then within seconds, he immediately started to wail.

Kim and Adam broke apart and looked down at their son. His face was scrunched up and beet red.

"Where did that come from?"

"When a Ruzek man is hungry, he's hungry." Adam chuckled as he softly caressed Jackson's cheek.

Kim moved toward the bed and sat down on the edge, laying Jackson in the center as he continued to scream.

"Adam, why don't you take your shower while I feed him?" Kim unbuttoned the top of her pajamas and slipped it off her arms. She turned and settled next to Jackson and guided the sobbing infant to her nipple.

'There you go, handsome," she cooed softly as Jackson latched onto her nipple and started suckling her furiously. Adam laid down across from her, leaning on his elbow, resting his head in his hand.

"Why aren't you going to shower?" Kim asked curiously as she leaned forward slightly so Jackson could take more of her nipple into his mouth. She had been surprised how easy nursing was. When she was pregnant she'd read all this literature about how sometimes it could be difficult to start, getting the baby to latch on properly, making sure he was getting enough milk. But it had just come so naturally. She and Jackson had fallen into a rhythm the first time she fed him and the last day and half had been perfect.

Adam didn't answer her at first, he only gently fingered Jackson's foot, silently counting his toes as he had his dinner.

Kim's eyes switched back and forth between them for a moment before Adam finally looked back up at her and smiled.

"I just love to watch you two together." Adam lifted his hand from Jackson's foot to caress her cheek gently. "It takes my breath away Darlin'."

Kim turned her face into his palm and kissed it gently. "Good," was all she said as they both turned their attention back to Jackson, enjoying their first night home together as a family.

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"Mrs. Halstead?" A doctor asked as Erin looked up from her seat.

"Yes?" Erin asked standing up to look at the man in front of her.

"I'm Dr. Russell" The man said reaching out to shake Erin's hand.

"Hi" Erin said shaking his hand and exhaling a shaky breath. "How's my husband?"

Dr. Russell cleared his throat before speaking "Jay is out of surgery…he sustained a lot of damage to his body…severe internal bleeding and he flat lined on the table but we got him back…Jay's stable right now but I want you to know that it's very touch and go. With the internal bleeding he also has a broken leg and and a lacerated spleen along with a grade three concussion that's caused some mild swelling on the brain. Since the skull doesn't give the brain much room to swell, that's my biggest concern so we've put Jay in a medically induced coma and are allowing a ventilator to breathe for him so that his body can focus on healing itself. He's very critical and his face is very bruised and swollen from the impact of the accident"

Erin nodded as she took in what the surgeon was telling her.

"Can I see him?" Erin asked.

"Of course" Dr. Russell said. "Please follow me"

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The room was dark as Erin walked into Jay's ICU room. The soft sound of the machines that were helping keep her husband alive sounded all to familar. It was a sound that Erin could go the rest of her life without hearing.

Erin slowly walked over to Jay's bed and a strangled sob escaped her mouth as she looked at the man she loved on the bed.

Jay: so strong and full of life never looked more frail laying on the hospital bed completely still. His handsome features were imprinted with scrapes and cuts and bruises.

Erin took the few remaining steps to Jay's bed and she took a seat by his bed as she took ahold of his hand. Erin's delicate fingers ran along Jay's silver wedding band and she sighed before she spoke

"We really need to stop meeting up like this" Erin said trying to lighten the mood. "You know you promised me you'd never leave me. And I can't do this without you Jay. So whatever fight that you have left in you, you have to pull it out. If you can't do it for me, do it for Everly. She loves you so much, Jay. You're the most amazing father and it just melts me to see you with our baby. I never in my life thought I'd ever be so lucky to have someone like you. Always my backup. You're my best friend and I am sitting here trying to put into words how much I love you, but I can't. Because you're everything to me. So please don't leave me, I know I'm not worthy of you, I know I'll never be worthy of you. Every day I thank God that you chose me to be your wife when you could have so much better than me. And I just worry that I've let you down. If I had been at work tonight, you wouldn't have been with Atwater and this wouldn't have happened. I'm so sorry that I've let you down Jay. But please, I can't lose you. I don't know if you can hear me, but please know that I'm so thankful for you every single day. And I could never put into words how thankful I am for all you do for me and our daughter. So you rest, I'm not going anywhere. I love you so much, Jay"

Erin wiped the hot tears that were falling from her eyes and onto Jay's still arm before she brought his hand to her lips and softly kissed it.

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