34. Remember The Time

Thank you all again for the reviews, follows and favs! This one is not as 'fluffy' as the last ones but a little heavier (mixed with fluff), so I hope you'll enjoy it!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

34. Remember The Time

Erin stood in Nadia's old room and felt like the walls were closing in around her although none of her stuff was here anymore other than the bed, the desk, the wardrobe and some shelfs. But these pieces were enough to bring so many memories back. Memories how she helped her to study for her exams so she could become a cop, memories of them sitting on her bed, chitchatting about boys or talking about serious stuff, of crying together and laughing together. Memories of how it was to be someone's role-model, to help someone to get their life under control, to love her like a little sister. And now she was about to close this chapter of this being Nadia's room permanently to open a new chapter and make this Emilia's room.

″Erin you don't have to do that,″ Jay said next to her with a low voice.

″No, no,″ she said and shook her head, ″it's okay.″

″It's not. There are so many boxes that need to be unpacked, how about you do that and let me disassemble all the furniture?″ he asked.

″But I wanna help you with Emmy's room, Jay. It's something we should do together.″ One day in and they already had a nickname for their daughter. Jay has started to call her Emmy last evening when they'd lain in bed and he was once again talking with their daughter and in the beginning Erin didn't like it that they were already shortening her name but just this morning she has called her Emmy for the first time, too.

″You can help me with painting the walls as soon as it's all empty and I'm sure I'll definitely need your help when it comes to setting up the crib and the changing table and all the other furniture,″ he said softly.

″Are you sure?″

″Of course, just try to handle this chaos of boxes,″ he answered with a little laughter.

″I will. But don't blame me when you don't find your stuff then,″ she smirked.

″I'd say you give me a tour through the apartment this evening and tell me where everything is,″ he chuckled.

″Yeah, you wish,″ she answered and punched her fist onto his shoulder. ″But I will start with putting your clothes in the wardrobe and the dresser, that shouldn't be a big deal.″

″Who knows...″ he chuckled all innocent and earned a second punch that was a little harder this time.

″Be nice,″ she warned jokingly, slapped him across the backside and left him alone to somehow start managing the chaos of boxes his move to her apartment has caused.

By the afternoon all the furniture of what once was Nadia's room was fragmented into piece parts and Mouse checked by to pick all of it up as he knew a friend back from the days when he didn't work for the Intelligence Unit who could really use it and was thankful for anything he would get.

At that time, Erin had finished putting all of his clothes into the dresser and the wardrobe and as she was unmotivated to unpack any more boxes she dedicated herself to another important project, the photo-wall. Yesterday evening, when they had been at the DIY superstore, after moving all of his stuff from his place to hers, to buy wall colors for the nursery and all the other stuff they needed to renew the room she had also bought various frames. So now she had to chose the pictures they wanted to have on that wall and match them with the compatible frames.

When Jay walked into the living room after helping Mouse to bring all the stuff down to his car with the trailer, the chaos there has even increased. In addition to all the boxes there were now also lots of photos spread across the dining table, the couch and the coffee table. On any other occasion he would've teased her for causing such a chaos instantly but he's found something in Nadia's old room that didn't make him feel like joking. Until some minutes ago he hasn't even been sure whether to show it to Erin or not because he wanted to protect her from the pain it would cause but she deserved to get it. Nadia had obvioulsy wanted her to get it but for whatever reason it has fallen behind the dresser and she could never give it Erin herself.

″Erin I need to show you something,″ he said and Erin immediately looked up by the sound of his voice.

″What's up?″ she frowned.

″I found this behind the dresser,″ he said and handed her an envelope with her name written on front of it. It didn't even take her a second to recognize the handwriting and she felt her heart getting heavy, a lump building up in her throat immediately.

″Did you...did you read it?″ she asked him and her voice was faint as she stared at the envelope.

″No, it's for you, not for me, so it's not my right to read it.″

″Mhm,″ she nodded and seemed to be undecided whether she wanted to read it or not, kept staring at it with empty eyes.

″You wanna read it?″ Jay asked, placing his hand on her shoulder supportingly.

″I don't know,″ she shrugged. ″I'm scared her words will hurt somehow.″

″Er, Nadia loved you like a sister. What could she've written that would hurt you? It's the memories which hurt and they always will but I'm sure the words she chose won't.″

″Will you read it with me?″ she almost whispered.

″You sure?″

″Mhm,″ she only nodded once again. ″I don't wanna do this alone.″

″Okay, come on,″ he said, reached for her hand and guided her to the bedroom where they sat down on the edge of their bed.

She opened the envelope with trembling fingers and then handed it to Jay before she pulled the letter out.

″Would you mind reading it to me?″

″Not at all,″ he answered softly and unfolded the letter.

″She wrote it some days before her death,″ Jay said quietly before he started to read her Nadia's letter and Erin felt the tears already burning in her eyes but she inhaled a deep breath to keep herself together so she was able to listen to him attentively.

″Dear Erin. I don't even know why I'm writing you this letter instead of telling you all these things in person but I guess sometimes it's easier to write things down because I'm not sure whether I'd be able to tell you all of this without the both of us starting to cry after not even telling you half of what I want you to tell.

Do you remember the time when we met for the first time and you told me you would take care of me and help me? I didn't believe you in the beginning because lots of people said that before and it were just pies in the sky. And I didn't trust people, especially not cops of course. I didn't think that someone like you, a successful, good-looking cop, would simply help someone like me, the addicted whore from the suburbs. But damn was I wrong. Thank God I realized soon enough that you were different, that your promise wasn't a pie in the sky, but that you really meant it when you said you would help me and that I can really trust you, rely on you.

You saved me when I was so close to the edge of throwing my life away forever. You were the first person who kept their promise and didn't let me fall down again like I was not worth it. And I want to thank you for all of this, Erin. Thank you for believing in me like no one else ever has. Thank you for showing me what I want in life, for showing me the values of life. You teached me to never give up on my dreams and showed me that there's always something worth fighting for. Thank you for giving me a home, a job, a family, a life. Thank you for being you. You are truly incredible. The most caring and loving and encouraging and badass person I know. You are my role-model and if I will ever be only a little bit like you I would be so damn proud of myself and I hope you would be proud of me, too.″ Jay made a short pause and inhaled a deep breath, looked to Erin and saw silent tears running down her face.

″Just a couple of minutes ago I got the results of my exams and I passed them all. That's the reason why I'm writing you this letter of gratitude because without you I would never have achieved this. By the time I will give you this letter you will for sure already know this because you will be the first person I'm going to tell and I can't wait to see your face. And now I'm only waiting for my letter from the academy so I can become a badass cop that kicks ass every day, just like you. And maybe one day I can become someone's role-model, too, can save someone and show them that there's always a way out, that a better future is possible. Thank you again Erin, for changing my life from the worst into the best!

Love, Nadia.

PS: As my life is perfect right now we only have to find a way to make your life perfect by getting you and Jay back together again. Wherefrom I know about yours and Jay's secret relationship? Well, I guess someone told me how someone who wants to be a great cop one day has to be attentive all the time, on the job and in private. So honestly, it's never been really difficult to see the sparks between the two of you and not spending the night in your apartment and then appearing there or at work in the morning out of nowhere or sending me away for the evening and night by buying me and a friend tickets for the Bulls or whatever else was maybe a little bit too obvious, wouldn't you agree?″

After reading the last words of this letter Jay pulled Erin into his embrace, placed soft kisses on her hair and tickled her neck while he once again let her cry the pain away. These were for sure the most beautiful things Nadia could've ever told her and even for him it has been difficult to keep himself together while reading these words of pure gratitude as he's gotten another glimpse of what Erin had really meant for Nadia and vice versa.

From time to time some silent sobs escaped from Erin's mouth but other than that they sat there in complete silence. Jay didn't have to say anything, all he needed to do was being there for her, showing her that she wasn't alone, that he would hold her as long as she needed him to hold her and that he would always be the shoulder she could cry on. He could vaguely imagine what was going on inside of her at the moment, how she maybe once again was blaming herself for saving her and changing her life but couldn't save her from the evil in the end anyway when Nadia's beautifully chosen words actually should also make her feel proud as they described Erin's exceptional character perfectly.

″I can't believe she knew about us,″ Erin said into the silence somewhen and a little chuckle, a real one, not a faked one, came from her lips.

″As she said it was not that hard to find out. We were careful at work as we had to keep it professional and as we knew we'd be in big trouble if Hank finds out but whenever we were off the clock we maybe shitted on the professionalism a little too much,″ he winked softly, wiping her remaining tears away with his thumb.

″I don't regret anything of it. It was a good time,″ she smiled faintly.

″It was,″ he mumbled into her hair. ″How do you feel about this letter, Er?″ he then asked. He found it was important that she talked about her feelings and emotions and didn't try to bury them inside of her again like she used to do in the past. She's made so much progress regarding this and he didn't want her to make some steps back and build up walls again.

Erin didn't answer immediately but she inhaled a deep breath and only shrugged her shoulders at first.

″It hurts,″ she said and her voice came in a whisper. ″You were right, in some way: it's not her words that hurt but yet they do anyway. Knowing that she wrote such beautiful things for me out of her happiness hurts. Feeling like she relied on me so much and trusted me so much and then I'd let her down by not protecting her enough and not finding her fast enough hurts. Thinking about what she must've been through hurts. All the memories hurt. It hurts that such a happy, beautiful girl who had her whole life ahead of her and was excited about her future was murdered in the most burtal way by an evil psycho. It hurts to think about all the what-if's and about how everything would be if she was still with us. Even after more than one-and-a-half years it hurts knowing that she will never come back, that she will never be allowed to live the life she deserved. It hurts Jay, it just fucking hurts.″ Tears started to run down her face again and Jay tightened his embrace, pulled her even closer to his body. There was nothing in this world he hated more than seeing her like this, so completely broken, and he was sure he hasn't seen her that devastated in a long time which made his heart ache for her even more.

″I would give everything I can to bring her back to you, Er,″ he said and placed a kiss on her temple.

″I know,″ she sobbed. ″Sometimes I wish I could turn back time.″

″We all do, Er, we all do,″ he nodded approvingly and kept on holding her for a little while longer.

They didn't start to paint the nursery on that Sunday anymore. Apart from that neither Jay nor Erin were in the mood for painting Jay didn't think it was the right thing to do now. Erin needed a little time to process all of this and come to terms with it and first of all she needed some distraction, needed to get out of their apartment to clear her mind. So Jay suggested to stroll through the city a little as the fresh air would do her good and Erin agreed without further discussions. After a quick stop in front of the 21st as Erin wanted to enlighten a candle in front of Nadia's stone for saying thank you for the letter and then parking the car in a parking lot close to downtown they spent the late afternoon and early evening with strolling through the park and then walked along Lake Michigan to Navy Pier as the first snowflakes of this winter fell from the sky.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

The weekend was followed by a busy week and a lot more snow and some brutal crimes. Besides working hard and visiting the prenatal classes on Monday and Wednesday Erin really wanted the nursery to get finished by now, as Christmas and their little babymoon were coming closer and she still felt like they had a million things to do. So they'd decided to paint the room on Thursday evening after work. Erin had even already covered the whole floor in the nursery with a foil before Jay returned from work so there wouldn't be any damage to the dark wooden floor in case little accidents happened. Now that it was all empty it was a lot easier to be inside here and she couldn't wait for it to look completely different.

″You know, I thought you went home for resting, not for keep on working like a crazy,″ Jay said when he stepped into the room that was perfectly prepared, even the ledges were already masked with tape, so they were protected from any possible paint-splatters. The only thing Jay still had to do was masking the edges on the ceiling and he was more than glad that Erin was responsible enough to not climb on a ladder and trying to do it herself while being 33 weeks pregnant.

″I had to, otherwise we'll never get this done,″ she shrugged.

″I could've done that,″ he disagreed.

″As long as I'm able to get up from the floor myself I can do things like this,″ she chuckled.

″Hmm,″ he smirked, scanning her from head to toes, how she stood there with her messy ponytail and her round stomach, looking as gorgeous as always. She was wearing a pair of leggings, some comfy socks and a white t-shirt that he assumed was from the earlier stages of her pregnancy as it was a little tight at her breasts and around her stomach but still long enough to cover everything perfectly. Most likely she only wore it because she knew she had to toss it in the garbage can afterwards anyway.

″Stop staring,″ she laughed.

″I wasn't...,″ he started but stopped by the eyebrow-raise he got from her instantly. ″Well whatever. I brought you some take-out, so you can eat while I mask the rest of the edges and then we can get this party started,″ he winked.

″Perfect,″ she smiled and kissed his cheek before waddling to the kitchen.

Half an hour later they could finally start with painting the walls and the ceiling, of course with colors without any toxics that wouldn't harm the baby now or when she was here. While they would only renew the white color of the ceiling, they've decided for a really light gray for the walls that matched perfectly with the dark wooden floor and the white furniture they've picked and the big wall picture they wanted to paint. Erin started to paint the lower parts of the walls until as far up as she would reach them without a ladder while Jay started with the wall adverse her.

″Jay!″ she blurted when she turned around to see the progress he was making and saw that the only thing he did was writing 'Emilia' all over the wall but she also couldn't stop smiling because it was the cutest thing to watch him writing down his daughter's name, her nickname and her full name eagerly.

″Just had to check whether I still like it,″ he smirked.

″Uh-huh,″ she chuckled. ″And, do you?″

″It's the most perfect name ever,″ he smiled. ″It will be quite hard to find similar perfect names for our other five kids,″ he winked at her teasingly.

″Must be nice there on your little planet, huh?″

″Oh yeah, it's beautiful, you wanna join me?″ he laughed.

″Naah,″ she chuckled and shook her head. ″But instead of talking about number two and couting you could start painting this wall for real, otherwise the room for number one will never get finished, how about that?″

″Maybe,″ he grinned and dunked the paint roller into the paint bucket. But as soon as Erin was occupied with her wall again, he dunked his hand into the fair gray paint, creeped up on her from behind and pressed his hand on her stomach, leaving a perfect hand print on her shirt.

″You didn't just...″ she said as she turned around to him, his face beaming with a winning smile.

″There were paint-splatters on it already anyway,″ he laughed, looking at the result of his little attack proudly.

″You are going to pay for that babe,″ she winked, shook her head while glancing at her childish boyfriend. But how could she possibly be mad at him when he looked like the happiest man on earth?

″I don't think so,″ he smirked.

″Attacking your own back-up is not the smartest idea you've ever had,″ she grinned. ″And now get this paint on the wall and not on my shirt.″

With these words she turned around again and kept on painting. She waited for ten minutes, let Jay believe he was safe, before she started her payback. She dunked both of her hands into the paint bucket, tiptoed to him and when he saw her it was already to late as one of her hands was on his back and with the other one she grabbed him in the crotch.

″I'd say that's at least a tie now. Maybe more of a win for me,″ she said all casual.

″Oh no, this is not your win yet Erin Lindsay,″ he joked and pulled her to his body to kiss her.

″Of course it is,″ she said after he had pressed his lips against hers.

″Uhm...no,″ he smirked mischievously and brought his hand up to her face just to leave a gray spot on the tip of her nose.

″You want war? You'll get war,″ Erin laughed treacly and kissed him again only to leave another handprint on his face before the two of them started a fight with paint rollers and paintbrushes in best lightsaber-style that ended with both of them lying on the floor, bursting with laughter. They needed a moment to recover from that and when they finally agreed on peace so that they would maybe still get this done this evening their stomachs still hurt from laughing so hard.

Of course painting it all properly took time and at some point Jay sent Erin to take a shower and then go to bed and told her that he would finish it alone. She didn't even protest because she was so tired and her back ached so much, she just wanted to lie down and sleep. When she was finished with showering, Jay joined her in the bedroom to give her a well-deserved massage. He took some massage oil and slathered it onto her lower back with soft pressure, exercising the massage techniques they've learned in the prenatal classes. When he was finished she turned to her back and pulled her shirt up and her panties down a bit so Jay could lotion her stomach with cocoa butter that should help against, or in her case prevent, stretch marks. She didn't have any yet as baby Halstead still was a small one and she hoped it would stay like this. They both enjoyed this new form of intimacy and it has become their new evening routine. Sometimes, when their daughter was not training her soccer skills inside of Erin's belly, she even fell asleep while enjoying his soft touches and so she did today. Jay grinned when he saw her sleeping peacefully, being quite relieved that she was able to sleep and would not lie awake for two hours to wait for Emilia to settle. He pulled her shirt down, covered her with the blanket and kissed her forehead gently before he headed back to the nursery to finish his job.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Uhm...wow,″ Erin spluttered when she walked into the nursery on the following morning, her eyes literally popping out of her head as she was stunned by what she was seeing. Everything was finished and Jay had even already painted the wall picture on the wall where they wanted to put the crib in front of it. It consisted of a tree with white leafs and some rare light orange and light yellow butterflies, so it would look like their girl was sleeping in the shade of it, followed by the name ″Emilia″ written on the wall, fitting with the theme perfectly as the cursive had the same dark brown color of the tree trunk and was also surrounded by some leafs and butterflies in the same colors but still not as many as that it would look overloaded. It rather looked perfect and even better than Erin had imagined.

″You like it?″ Jay asked smirkingly. He could already tell from her reaction that she did but he wanted to hear it anyway.

″I love it Jay. This is absolutely incredible and stunningly beautiful,″ she whispered and turned to him to press a thankful kiss on his lips. ″How much sleep did you get last night?″ she asked afterwards. Given the fact that he's done this all alone and looked completely tired she assumed it wasn't that much.

″Two hours, maybe less,″ he shrugged.

″We could've done this together,″ she said, softly stroking his cheek.

″To see your surprised face it was all worth it,″ he winked and kissed her again. ″And liters of coffee and a cold shower will do the job, no worries.″

″You're crazy, ″ she smiled. ″Thank you for this, I can't wait to finish everything and see her lying in her crib soon.″

″Seven weeks,″ Jay grinned and rubbed her stomach.

″Seven weeks,″ Erin echoed, being anticipated and nervous at the same time about the huge life-change that came closer every day.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

On the following weekend they built all the furniture up together and by Saturday evening the nursery was more or less finished. So on Sunday they went to a big baby store and spent literally the whole day in there, buying all the things they still needed. Nursery beddings that matched to the rest of the room, a crib bumper, an activity gym with hanging toys in form of birds and owls and squirrels, another baby mat in form of a lamb, a nursing pillow, a matching mobile for the crib, decorative pillows, some more stuffed animals they couldn't resist to buy, cozy blankets, diapers, pacifiers, bottles, towels, more newborn clothes for the cold Chicago winter, a baby monitor, a cozy rug, a bassinet so she could sleep in the bedroom with them during the night in the beginning, a car seat and a stroller. Jay was sure he has never spent more time in only one shop before and after paying their giant purchase he was also sure he's never spent more money in only one shop either. At least they had everything they needed now and in addition, strolling through the store all day distracted him from something else he knew he had to deal with sooner or later.

They returned to the apartment in the late afternoon and started to put the clothes that were already laundered into the drawers of the dresser, placed the rug in the middle of the room, put the pillows on the rocking chair in the corner of the room and placed the activity gym right next to it. They put all the diapers, towels, pacifiers and bottels into the drawers of the changing table and made the crib ready for its imminent resident by putting the nursery bedding in it, installing the mobile and placing some of the stuffies in it for now. The other stuffies found their places on the shelf and the changing table or on the baby mat on the floor.

″I think we did an amazing job,″ Jay said all proud when everything was done, wrapped his arm around Erin's shoulders and kissed her temple.

″Yeah I think we did pretty good,″ Erin smiled and gazed around. It was in fact more than just pretty good, it was perfect all the way along.

″A little kingdom for our little princess,″ Jay grinned.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″The photo-wall is also finished what means we only need to unpack all of your remaining boxes now and then we'll be done.″

″Don't tell me you want to do this now,″ he grimaced.

″Definitely not,″ Erin chuckled. ″The most important room of the apartment is finished and all the other things can wait.″

″Great,″ he laughed. ″So how about a movie night on the couch with pizza and popcorn?″

″Sounds perfect to me,″ Erin agreed smirkingly and gave him a short kiss before his ringing phone interrupted them. He pulled it out of the pocket of his sweatpants but when he saw the number he rejected the call immediately, his face becoming hard and cold. Just like the last ten times this has happened since Friday evening. Erin hasn't missed these calls and also how his facial expressions comletely changed within seconds but yet she hasn't confronted him with it. She watched how he put his phone back into the pocket and gazed up to him before she decided to ask him what this was about.

″Why did you reject the call?″ she asked softly.

″It was nothing important,″ Jay shrugged. ″Come on, lets go to the living room,″ he added and already walked away from her. It was more than clear that he didn't want to talk about it and Erin sensed to know why.

″Maybe it's important for the someone who tries to reach you otherwise they wouldn't call ten times, don't you think?″ she asked and Jay immediately froze in his movement. Maybe it came more provoking than Erin had wanted. He turned around to her, his facial expression being harsh and kinda shocked. Whether it was because of her words or because he hasn't thought that she'd recognized the other calls, she didn't know.

″You're counting?″ he asked and his voice came cold. ″Is it fun to surveil me?″

″Are you crazy?″ Erin frowned and tried to keep her voice under control. ″I'm not counting and I'm not surveilling you. I just recognized how you rejected that number quite some times yesterday and earlier in the store as well. Sorry for being attentive, won't happen again,″ she snorted contemptuously.

″Erin I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like this,″ he said immediately. His voice was soft again, like she used to know it and he came some steps back to her.

″You usually don't freak out that easy...what's going on Jay?″ she asked him, locking eyes with him. He was still irritated, she could see it.

″Honestly, it's nothing Erin,″ he shrugged but he failed in convincing her.

″Nothing is your father right?″

He didn't even have to answer anything, she could already tell from his face that she was right.

″How do you know?″ he asked, being a little surprised that she knew. But on the other hand it wasn't that surprising at all.

″You never act like this Jay. So it can only be him,″ she said and gave him a faint, encouraging smile. ″Do you know what he wants?″

″I answered the first time he called because I didn't know the number and hung up as soon as I knew who it was. So no, I don't know what he wants and honestly, I don't care.″

″Ever thought that he maybe wants to say sorry?″ she asked quietly.

″Maybe I don't wanna hear it Erin,″ he said and turned around, trying to leave the room for a second time this evening.

″It's six years, isn't it?″ she asked and he stopped again, turned around to her and looked at her with a gaze she failed in interpreting.

″I was better off without him my whole life and even if it were twenty years I wouldn't wanna see him, so just leave it now, okay?″ he snapped and his voice was rising which was so unusual for him that Erin slightly shivered.

″Jay,″ she started and her voice came soft, understanding.

″No,″ he interrupted her and shook his head. ″Leave it Erin!″

″Fine!″ she called and now her voice also got a little out of control as well as the things she was saying. ″I really hope you will never do anything stupid in your life that makes your daughter hate you forever.″

″Anything stupid?!″ he yelled and his eyes widened in disbelief. ″I told you the whole damn story, so you out of all people should understand that our history is not just based on anything stupid!″

″Eddie abused Bunny and I witnessed it all and still, when I thought he's going to die I went there because I wanted to give him the chance to say sorry!″

″And we both know how that ended, don't we?″ he asked and a sardonic laughter escaped from his lips.

″Yes we do, Jay. But no matter what people do, they deserve a second chance,″ she said emphatic and tried to get her voice back to normal. ″Who knows where I would be today if Hank hadn't given me a second chance by giving me my badge back! Where would we be if you hadn't given me a second chance, Jay? Huh? Tell me! Because I can tell you for sure that we wouldn't stand in our daughter's nursery right now!″

″This is something completely different and you know that!″

″Is it?″ she asked him faintly.

″Yes Erin it is. Because I loved you and I never stopped loving you even when you decided to sever all ties with me. And Hank loves you like a daughter, so it was not too hard for him to give you a second chance. But there is absolutely no love left for my father and this Erin, is the damn difference!″ he said and he was back to almost yelling. ″Why do you even care so much about him after everything I told you about him?″

″Why I care?″ she echoed snappishly. ″I'll tell you why I care, Jay. I want our daughter to grow up in that kind of family that I never had. It's already sad enough that she won't have any loving grandmothers. She has Hank as her grandfather and I'm more than grateful for that but she has another grandfather who is still alive, so shouldn't we give her any chance to have the grandparents in her life she still has?″

″There is absolutely no friggin' way that this man will be our daughter's grandfather let alone that he will take any other role in her life! He's an ass who ruined my life!″

″Did he Jay? Because I can vaguely remember how you told me in Wisconsin that you actually should be thankful because everything you had to go through because of him led you to me,″ she said quietly.

″I said everything in life happens for a reason, Erin, because I would surely never thank him for anything,″ he laughed sarcastically and shook his head, couldn't believe what they were doing here. Fighting about a man who was dead to him.

″That's funny because I have every reason to thank him. You remember how you said thanks to Bunny you have me?″ she asked rhetorically. ″Well, thanks to him I have you. And even if you and Will are the only good things he ever did in his life he deserves to get a second chance.″

″I can't believe this and I can't do this right now,″ he snorted and shook his head again. With these words he turned around, went to the hall, put on his shoes and grabbed his jacket.

″What are you doing?″ Erin asked, watching him anxiously.

″I need some fresh air before I say something I regret later!″ he said and left the apartment by slamming the door without looking at her again.

″Fine, then run away! We both know that's easier, right?″ she fired at him as she opened the door again but she only saw him disappearing around the corner. Now she was the one who slammed the door and kicked her fist onto it angrily. They were living together for not even a week now and this has certainly been one of the biggest fight they had ever since they've become a couple. She swallowed the lump in her throat, inhaled some deeps breaths, took her phone to order pizza and then sat down on the couch and turned the TV on without paying special attention to the things that were flickering on the screen...

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Half an hour later the delivery guy brought her pizza. And Jay's. She had ordered two in case he was still hungry when he came home. Another 30 minutes later she heard the key in the doorlock and Jay stepped into the apartment. He took his shoes off and hung his jacket on the wardrobe before he joined her in the living room, carrying two pizzas in his hands. He smiled faintly when he saw his favorite pizza on the coffee table and handed her the pizza carton without saying a word. She opened it and also gave him a faint smile. It was her favorite one. Of course. Jay sat down next to her as she placed the pizza on the table in front of her. Thanks to this little pizza-chaos now the atmosphere between them wasn't as tense as both of them had expected it to be.

″Erin I'm sorry for yelling at you,″ Jay said quietly and his voice was cracky.

″It's okay,″ she answered immediately and before she was able to continue he interrupted her.

″No it's not,″ he said and shook his head vehement. ″No matter how hard we fight, I should never ever yell at you.″

″But you had every right to because this whole fight was my fault in first place,″ she mumbled. ″I'm sorry Jay, I had no right to push you into anything and you have your reasons why you don't want to have your father in your life and I do accept them. I think I've exaggerated with all my nesting and family vibes lately and just thought it would be nice if she had as many people as possible in her life who love her. That she can get all the love I never got,″ she said quietly.

″She will be the most loved little girl on this planet, Erin,″ Jay said and laid his hand on top of hers, squeezed it gently. ″She will get so much love from you and me and from uncle Will and and grandpa Hank and all the other dorks from the bullpen. She will grow up knowing she is loved by so many, I promise. But there is no way I will let him get back into my life and forgive him.″

″Jay, I never expected you to forgive him, just listening to what he wants to tell you. But it's okay, I understand why you don't want it, I really do. And Hank will do the job for two grandfathers, I'm sure,″ she smiled faintly.

″Also for two grandmothers?″ he asked and also smiled a little.

″Yeah, maybe even that,″ Erin chuckled. ″And although we don't see Michael and Susan that often and they're just your uncle and your aunt they will also somehow be her grandparents, won't they?″

″They will,″ Jay nodded. ″I love you, Erin. Never forget that.″

″How could I?″ she asked and placed the softest of kisses on his lips. ″I love you, too.″

″You want some more pizza?″ he asked her and grabbed for one piece while eyeing the three full cartons.

″Naah, I can't eat anything anymore.″

″Come on, we'll eat pizza for the rest of the week,″ he laughed.

″I'm sorry but your daughter takes all the space from what once was my stomach,″ she winked.

″Guess the boys in the bullpen will be happy when they get one-day-old pizza tomorrow.″

″They are like zoo animals. They are happy as long as you give them anything to eat,″ Erin answered all dry and Jay nodded smirkingly in response.

They spent the rest of the evening with watching a movie and Jay was more than glad that they had worked things out this quick as it was another prove of how strong their relationship was and how much they loved each other. This had been quite a test for them as a couple but they both regretted the things that had happened while especially Jay's mind kept on revolving about the happenings of the day and whether Erin's words have influenced him even more than he wanted to admit. Little did he know right now that the topic with his father was far from being over yet.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Jay walked into the ED of Chicago Med on Tuesday evening after he's gotten a message from his brother a couple of hours prior that he wanted to talk with him about something important. And as they didn't have a case for the first day in weeks today, he's been able to leave work early and therefore visit his brother at his workplace.

″Hey bro, you wanted to talk with me?″ he greeted his brother who was working on the computer.

″Good to see ya,″ Will grinned and hugged him shortly.

″So, what's up?″

″Uhm, not here, lets go somewhere else,″ Will suggested and Jay slightly frowned but then nodded in response. They took the elevator to the last floor and stepped out on the patio where the doctors always made short breaks. But right now no one else was here other than them.

″Alright, what did you do that requires a conversation with your little brother up here?″ Jay asked teasingly but given the fact that Will wanted to talk with him about something important and now wanted to make this conversation in private he actually should've known what this was about.

″I talked with dad yesterday,″ Will started to tell his brother and the smile immediately fell from his face and it became hard again.

″Oh great, so this is about him? Then goodbye,″ Jay answered and walked back to the elevator. There was no way he wanted to have another discussion about this man, especially not with his brother who has always had a soft heart for him.

″Jay don't be like that,″ Will called.

″Be like what Will, huh?″ he asked furiously as he turned around to his brother again.

″We both know you're not that kind of person.″

″When it comes to him I'm exactly this kind of person and that's what we both know, isn't it?″ he said with a sarcastic undertone in his voice and kept on walking away.

″He changed, Jay!″

″Good for him,″ Jay just waved aside lackadaisical and Will came running after him, held him back on his shoulder.

″Give him at least the chance to talk to you,″ he begged.

″Why should I give him a damn chance, Will? Why? Remember the time when nothing I did was good enough for him? When everything I did was wrong? When I was the wrong son? A shame for the family? Remember the time when I came back from war and mom was dying and he was gone, leaving her to her fate?″ Jay asked his brother and his voice was rising to a dangerous level. ″Oh wait, you can't remember because you weren't there either, right?″

″Well wow, I really thought we were over that,″ Will answered stunned and shook his head.

″We are Will. But don't you ever push me into this again. I don't care what kind of relationship you have with him and if you still care about him, then do it, I accept that. But for me he died more than six years ago and that's something you have to accept,″ Jay said and his voice was slowly coming back to normal.

″Alright,″ Will finally sighed but Jay could see that nothing was alright. ″I'm sorry, I should've known it better.″

″I'm sorry, too,″ Jay said and gave his brother a pat on the back. He loved his brother, he was one of the most important persons in his life and the last thing he wanted was a family feud with him because of their father. This man has destroyed enough already.

″Uhm Jay,″ Will stumbled after the doors of the elevator have closed. ″I might made a mistake,″ he said and didn't dare to look his brother in the eyes.

″What mistake?″ Jay frowned.

″I might gave him your address,″ he admitted with a low voice.

″You did what?!″

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Erin was unpacking some more of Jay's boxes when the door bell rang. She checked her clock and tried to figure out who could visit them at around 7 in the evening without telling them before. They haven't ordered any food as they wanted to cook together as soon as Jay would return from meeting his brother, so for once it couldn't be the delivery guy.

Erin placed the three books she originally wanted to put in the rack, on the coffee table and shuffled to the door, as always wearing leggins, some comfy socks and one of Jay's big, gray hoodies, her hair tied to a messy ponytail. She opened the door and saw an elderly man, aged around 65 she guessed, standing in front of it. Or better: leaning against the wall. He didn't seem to be in such a good condition, was breathing heavily and she saw cold sweat shimmering on his forehead in the dimmed light of the hall.

″Excuse me Sir, can I help you?″ Erin asked.

″I hope so,″ the man smiled faintly and Erin felt how he scanned her with his tired eyes. ″Is Jay Halstead living here?″

″Uhm...yeah...he is. But he's not home. Excuse me again, but what is this about?″ Erin frowned.

″Oh sorry, how rude of me. My name is Robert Halstead, I'm Jay's father,″ he introduced himself, still breathing heavily. Erin needed a moment to process this information and find her words again. This fragile-looking, gray-haired man with the brown eyes and the glasses and the outmoded jacket was the man who'd made Jay's teens a living hell. She knew Jay didn't want to meet him and she wasn't even sure whether she wanted to get to know him more. They had agreed that this man was not going to be a part of their life and she would for sure not stab Jay in the back by being extraordinary friendly to him.

″Uhm, nice to meet you Mr. Halstead,″ Erin said politely but she abstained from introducing herself.

″May I...″ he started but had to take a deep breath to continue. Erin had the feeling he was about to collaps any second. ″May I maybe come inside and wait for him?″

″I don't think this is a good idea, I'm sorr-,″ she said but stopped abruptly when he slowly slid down the wall he still leaned against. ″Mr. Halstead!″ she yelled instead, her panicked voice resounding in the staircase...

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