12. Girl Time

Chapter 12: Girl Time

Dudes. Are. Gross.

That's it. That's the entry.

…okay, fine, I'll elaborate. We have a rare afternoon off and Sprig and Hop Pop are content to spend it sitting around and – get this – spitting. As if it's some kind of competitive sport.

Oh wait. It is. There's a trophy and everything. I swear, sometimes it's all I can do to not throw up. It's bad enough there's mud and slime and mold and bugs everywhere, you'd think people could at least try to maintain some sense of personal hygiene.

And the worst thing? They've managed to infect Polly with their grossness. I don't blame her; she had no girl role models to grow up around. Clearly I need to step up to the task. Me and Polly need… a girl day.

First order of business… the spa!

I was actually kind of surprised a small, poor town like Wartwood even has a fancy spa, but who am I to look a gift foot bath in the mouth?

Before Polly and I set off, we kinda stole Hop Pop's wallet. He seemed pretty chill about it, and once we got there, I found out why; there's no money in it. Guess I shouldn't be surprised… we did kinda destroy the farm earlier this week and there hasn't been enough time since to grow new crops. All I had was a bunch of IOU slips with Hop Pop's picture on them.

Well, they do say he's good for it…

They've got this one treatment that you jut have to try. You stick your feet in a goldfish pond and the fish nibble at your feet and it feels so good. At least until we got thrown out because Polly was trying to ride the fish. It kinda feels like she's not really trying to get into the spirit of this whole thing.

You know what might work? A makeover!

The hair salon was our next stop. Of course, we couldn't really do much for Polly there, but I really, really needed this. My hair's been a mess since I got here. There's this twig lodged in there that I swear has been in there for weeks. I was in desperate need of some styling.

And they really did a good job! My hair wasn't even this manageable when I could actually wash it regularly. Of course Polly nearly got us thrown out when she started flinging combs around like they were darts, but I guess there really wasn't much she could do there, what with the baldness and all…

Hmm, maybe I can do something about that at our next stop…

The boutique! I found this amazing wig for her that'll really help with the ol' hairlessness problem. Some really nice looking dresses for us too.

I also found this really nice tea shop that's kind of like the place mom used to take me when I was little. On Sundays, when the restaurant was closed, we'd go for tea and scones, just the two of us… I… kinda miss it.

…sorry, got something in my eye here. Anyway, the scones there were pretty good, as long as you keep pretending the little brown bits in there are raisins. Yes, raisins. That's what they are.

The more I look at Polly, though, the more it seems like she isn't having as good a time as I am. We need something that'll kick this girl time of ours up to an eleven. The hostess at the tea shop recommended this massage place. It could be just the thing...

That was either the most relaxing experience in my life or the most painful. It could very well be the masseuse's lack of experience with human anatomy, but I'm pretty sure I bent in ways no human ever should.

Maybe she would've had an easier time with Polly (she's pretty much a just a ball with fins) but she ditched me mid-massage. Which is really insulting. Doesn't she know this is all for her?

I'm the worst big sister ever.

I was all set to give Polly the business for ditching me. I found her at Stumpy's, pouring out her frustrations over root (I hope) beer with One-Eyed Wally, ad I said a lot of things, and some of them were pretty mean.

I basically told a baby that she was a disgusting pig.

Anyway, karma must've been listening, because I got dragged off by the local sheriff (like, straight out of an old western. Gravely voice, big mustache, Stetson, the works) for passing out all those IOU slips all over town. Turns out Hop Pop's not good for it. They got Sprig and Hop Pop too, which is odd because neither of them actually did anything, but I don't think the sheriff cared.

We were sentenced to collecting eggs… from vicious frog-eating spiders. Well, I guess Polly didn't hate me that much, because she came to our rescue. But it looked bad, until I remembered, once again, a seemingly insignificant detail from earlier: that there's a big golden trophy for spitting. And that Polly was really good at it. The thing that I was so disgusted by earlier could save us all. It's like that song from the 90s…

But something was wrong. Polly just couldn't get the distance she was able to before. And it was obvious that it was my fault. I had made her self-conscious about herself. And… I really should have known better. Looking back, a lot of kids used to make me feel bad for being different. The difference was… I kinda wound up changing who I was to please them.

Polly shouldn't have to do that. She's fine the way she is.

And someone needed to tell her that. I kinda wish someone had told me back then…

Anyway, once I finally got her confidence back up, Polly broke the spitting record wide open, and there was more than enough gold to pay off the debts I'd run up (and a few others), with just enough left over to make a new trophy honoring Polly, the real hero of today.

And if you really think about it, the real villain of today was gender conformity. Girl time is… kinda dumb when you really think about it, with the whole "girls should do girl things" conceit. Next time I wanna bond with Polly, I'll do what she wants. It'll probably be dangerous, but at least we won't get arrested.

Probably.

Schweenieboy: Yup

Team Gophers: Jeremy does show up again in "Hop Popular", but yeah, he should've appeared more.

Jose: True

Next: Dating Season