30. Wally and Anne

Chapter 30: Wally and Anne

Back in third grade, there was this kid who spent Spring Break on a trip to Yosemite. When he came back, he swore up and down that he had seen Bigfoot. Naturally, this was treated with respect and consideration. Ha ha no, of course not. He was relentlessly made fun of and to this day they still call him Bigfoot Boy. Because kids are jerks.

And naturally, because I'm someone who's desperate to fit in, I joined in on the fun. You wanna know the sad thing? I actually believe in Bigfoot. Like, I know there's no proof that he exists, but it's a kinda nice thought that maybe there are things out there that we don't know about. Of all people, should have been standing up for him, but instead, like the spineless marshmallow I am, I went along with the crowd. Having been on the other side of the mocking crowd, it's not something I'm proud of.

But why am I bringing this up? Because this morning, I saw my own Bigfoot.

We were out in the forest, doing a little foraging, berries and mushrooms and stuff. HP has all these little rhyming couplets to keep track of which ones are safe to eat and which ones will kill you in horrific ways. Stuff like "yellow and green, tastes real keen" and "Blue with black spots, puke up lots".

I was looking for mushrooms, trying to remember Hop Pops rules for them (something like "red and white, itchy all night", or was it "green and blue, hurts when you poo"? This stuff is confusing). That was when I saw it.

At first, it was just a movement, out of the corner of my eye. I checked to see if anyone else had seen it, but they were too occupied with berry picking. Well, whatever. No reason I couldn't check it out on my own. So, I followed the movement, and there it was. In a misty glade, surrounded by butterflies. It had to be at least fifteen feet tall. It looked like some kind of man, entirely made of moss. Little flowers bloomed in its… hair? Grass? Whatever it had. Two little bushes were sticking out of the side of its head, covered in even more flowers. And I don't know why, but there was this total sense of calm I could feel washing over me as I watched it move. As if all my worries and anxieties were just melting away.

I would've snapped a picture of it with my phone, but a stray butterfly flew down my throat and I started choking on it, which frightened the creature away. Still, I at least had my memories of what I'd seen and surely my family would believe me.

They didn't believe me.

Like I said before, it turns out that this creature I saw – AND I SAW IT, I DEFINITELY DID – this creature, the so-called "Moss Man" is Frog Valley's answer to Bigfoot, or the Loch Ness Monster, or the Nariphon – actually from the stories grandma's told me, the nariphon is pretty close to the Moss Man, in some ways. In other words… they all think I'm crazy now. And it doesn't help that the only other person who'll back up my story is One-Eyed Wally! Yeah, the ravings of the local deranged hobo, that'll vindicate me for sure.

Hop Pop, Polly, and Sprig were laughing at me all the way home. I think t was Sprig that hurt the most, Of all people I thought he, at least, would have my back. Especially after all we've seen. After giant mantises, a giant mole made of smaller moles, and a literal attack of the killer tomatoes, what made a fifteen-foot-tall plant man so far outside the realm of possibility? I've never lied… that much! Why would I make up something like that? What would I have to gain?

Clearly, what I was going to have to do was bring back proof of the Moss Man's existence. And to do that, I was going to need the help of the only other person who believed me. I was going to need… One-Eyed Wally.

Shoot me.

The good news is, it didn't take a lot to convince Wally to lead me to the Misty Moors, the place he claimed he first met the Moss Man. The bad news is, he brought his accordion.

Which he played through the entire trip.

Which took eight hours.

And when he wasn't playing the accordion, he was telling me his life story, which I'm fairly sure is an amalgam of random dream snippets and stuff he read off of beetle jerky labels. Like, I'm fairly sure the part about the dark wizard turning him into a cockatrice never happened.

It was almost a relief when I nearly fell off a cliff… except of course, that I was going to die. Luckily for me, Wally acted quickly and saved my life. More importantly… he saved my phone.

I think maybe I misjudged the guy. He's more with-it than I gave him credit for.

We spent that night on top of the cliffside, and I finally let my guard down. We talked all night, and… I think I get Wally now. Wally's got freedom, a freedom you and I think is dumb. Freedom to be without the worries of a quick to diss society; One-Eyed Wally's a bum. He's just out there, living his best life, not caring what anyone else thinks about him. We could all be him, if society's hangups weren't plaguing us every second of the day. I wish I could be so liberated, but… I just can't.

It was morning when we finally made it to the Misty Moors. Wally started this "summoning ritual" that, to my eyes, just looked like dancing around and shouting a bunch of gibberish, but suddenly there it was! The Moss Man! Big as life and twice as beautiful! I tried to get a picture but my fingers were trembling too hard to get a proper grip on my phone, and when I finally did Wally tripped over me and knocked it out of my hands again, and the noise spooked the Moss Man causing it to run off.

What got to me was he reacted as if this was the first time he'd seen it, and when I pressed him he admitted that he'd made up his entire encounter with the creature and had never really believed in it in the first place. So why even go through with this entire trip? Well... he kinda just wanted to hang out. And I guess that's actually touching in a way, but at the time, I was so annoyed that I kinda just snapped at him and said some pretty hurtful things… that the whole purpose of this trip was so that I could bring back the proof that would keep everyone from comparing me to… him.

Yikes, right? I can really be kind of a jerk sometimes. To be fair, I did apologize immediately. And Wally was a total bro about it. He didn't hold it over my head or anything, and we were immediately back on its trail. A trail that led up yet another rocky cliff. Jeez, you'd think a plant creature would stick to thinks like swamps and forests…

I wish I could say we caught up to the Moss Man and I vindicated myself, but… no. Wally lost his grip on the cliff and almost fell to his death. Almost because I managed to save him at the last minute.

We'd pretty much lost the Moss Man's trail by then, and at that point, it just didn't feel important to me anymore. I knew what I saw. I knew I wasn't crazy. Who cared what anyone else thought?

So, after a quick stop to set Wally's leg (I, uh, knocked him off the cliff again. Accidentally. I swear), we were back in Wartwood, telling our tale to anyone who would listen. Of course, with no proof, no one believed us… but you know what? I'm cool with that.

Still kinda miffed the Plantars don't believe me, though. Oh well. Maybe I can mess with the a bit to cheer myself up.

A.N.: With apologies to Arrested Development (the band, not the sitcom).

I did a bit of research into Thai cryptids this chapter so I could come up with something from Anne's own culture to reference, and discovered the Nariphon, a magical tree-creature that bears fruit shaped like women. I wonder if maybe it influenced the Moss Men's treelike appearance…

Schweenieboy: Wally is awesome.

MarMarFaAnne: I'll have to see the episodes before thinking about how to work them in, of course…

Jose: So when she says her power "feels… bad" is that the Dark Side?

Notthenightslayer: But probably not as many as Polly.

Next: Family Fishing Trip