46. A Caravan Named Desire

Chapter 46: A Caravan Named Desire

So, once we got the Fwagon repaired after that whole giant bird incident, we reached this region that they call "The Dry Swamp". Which, honestly, may just be the dumbest name ever. What's the big thing about swamps? Being wet! The exact opposite of dry! It's like calling a place "the flat mountain" or "the rainy desert". The "dry swamp" is basically a big expanse of heat and sand and little-to-no-vegetation… in other words, it's a desert. Just call it a desert!

Regardless, it's dry as heck (like a desert, no I will not drop this), and, because this is Amphibia, it's full of giant sandworms, you know, like in that movie with the giant sandworms…All in all, not a great place to be traveling all alone.

The good news is, we're not alone! Shortly after arriving, we ran into a caravan that's been traveling through this "dry swamp" (stupid, stupid, stupid), and since the more numbers, the more safety, they invited us to travel along with them.

Now, the bad news: It's a theater troupe.

I hate theater.

"Why?" do you ask? Why would anyone hate theater? Theater brings delight to the masses! NO! Theater does not bring delight at all! All it brings is pain! And trauma! And pain!

Let's turn back the clock, shall we?

I'm five years old, and my kindergarten class is putting on our annual play, Dental Hygiene is Your Friend. I was cast as Molar #2, a pivotal role. I even had my own song.

I'm a tooth, that's the truthI chew up your foodI crunch and munch like a good tooth shouldSo take good care of meAnd brush me every dayAnd in your mouthIs where I'll stay

Then the villain, Ginger Vitis, shows up and does a whole tap dance routine, it's all really involved…

We practiced for weeks. I knew my lines by heart. And then the big day came. I was all ready to sing my little heart out… I got through one line before I tripped, knocked down a whole line of kids like dominoes, which knocked over a ladder, which hit the stage lights, and so on until everything was on fire.

Nobody was seriously hurt or anything, but it was the scariest thing I'd ever experienced up until I wound up here and discovered entirely new levels of horror. I still get chills whenever I hear a toothpaste jingle.

It was seven years before I would even think of getting on stage again. Not performing… performing was fine. Fawn Thai recitals at the temple, playing with Sasha and the Sharps, I had no problem with that… but you could not pay me to go anywhere near theater. It wasn't until the seventh grade did a production of Peter Pan that I gave in, and only because Sasha was trying out for the part of Captain Hook and she didn't want to do it alone.

Despite having no experience and no ability, I somehow managed to land the role of Peter; maybe it was just because no one else was willing to prance around in green tights. In any case, I thought maybe it was a sign that I could get over my hatred of theater. Nope! First, during one of the rehearsals, Marcy, who was supposed to be working my flight harness, got wrapped up in her latest video game and literally dropped the ball (the ball was me). Repeatedly. Then, Sasha convinced me to skip rehearsal and sneak up to the school roof for a dance party, and when we got caught, I got grounded for a month. Not that I minded having to drop out of the play…

HP's a theater nut, so naturally he's in frog heaven, and Sprig and Polly are just happy to have some new kids to hang out with, but as for me, until we're out of the desert, I plan on staying right here in the Fwagon catching up on my me time. I've got this puzzle in my backpack (honestly, it feels like I've completely forgotten half of the stuff I have in there) that's just itching to be completed.

So, work on the puzzle's been going slow. The caravan keeps hitting bumps, which shakes up the table I'm working on and messes up the pieces, forcing me to keep putting pieces I've already put together back together. Maybe working on a puzzle while traveling wasn't the best idea, but I've committed to it and I might as well see it through.

Anyway, apparently there's been a lot of drama that I've just been completely missing while cooped up in here. Like the fact that the theater troupe has been robbing places? What? As someone who's been tricked into a criminal plot, that is not a situation you want to be in. But HP's all in on living his theater dreams, and no matter how much I tell him that we need to get as far away as possible, he's willing to overlook the small matter of being a front for a CRIMINAL GANG so he can keep it up.

Theater. Not even once.

Sprig's also got a problem, less illegal though no less stupid. He's upset that the theater kids don't like him. And he refuses to take my advice to just not worry about it. Not everyone's gonna like you. I feel like we've been over this lesson already.

Why is it that, when I'M the adult in the room, no one ever listens to me?

To no surprise, I've missed all the excitement.

HP finally had his crisis of conscience and exposed the troupe leader on stage. There was a big high-speed chase, a sandworm attack, and the leader and her goons got arrested.

I was there for none of that, though. I was too busy finally finishing this stupid puzzle. Except that the second I did, the troupe leader stole the Fwagon (I mentioned the high-speed chase, right?), we hot a bump, and the whole thing was ruined.

Anyway, that's it for HP's theater career, and good riddance. We decided the best thing to do was get out of there as fast as possible before the local po-po figured out that HP was an accomplice to all the robberies that these guys already committed… and before the rest of the caravan blame us for getting the troupe leader arrested.

The moral of the story: Theater bad.

A.N.: Ashley: Thanks! I'm glad you find the story entertaining so far!

Jose: Damn straight.

Next: Quarrelers' Pass