43. Square One

The past week since Waverly had first kissed Nicole had been nothing but small steps in the right direction. She had only had a couple of nightmares since hanging up the dreamcatcher, and she was starting to get her appetite back. She took a day off from work, and even though she spent it at the police station with Nicole working on some recreational research in the break room – Nedley had let her hang out there without question, since he had a soft spot for the girl – She was proud of herself for at least getting out of the house and going somewhere other than The Grind for the first time since that horrible night.

She found that she was beginning to enjoy Nicole’s touches again. She would give a few chaste kisses here and there, and instead of feeling uneasy, she felt butterflies in her stomach at the feeling of the redhead’s soft lips against hers. It almost felt like their first kiss again. She often found herself daydreaming about the sexy red-haired police officer, which gave her an abundance of hope to hold on to. She even allowed the redhead to sleep with her in bed, as it now made her feel safe instead of dismayed.

The biggest sign of progress, though, was when she masturbated for the first time a couple of days ago. She had been taking a shower and was rinsing soap off of her bare body, when her mind drifted to a particular memory of when she and Nicole had sex in that shower. Most of their shower sex had been in Nicole’s bathroom at her house, but one time they did it in the shower at the homestead, and Waverly smiled at the memory. She quickly found herself getting aroused as warm water trickled between her legs and over the outside of her sex, and her mind wandered to thoughts of Nicole. She thought of her strong arms and defined abs, the feminine curve of her body, her gorgeous pink breasts…Waverly hesitated for a moment, but found her fingers making their way between her folds. She gasped at the initial contact before stroking her hardened clit. It wasn’t long before she had reached her orgasm, and she sighed in relief as a feeling of euphoria washed over her. She was happy with the way things were going for her, and she began to think of being intimate with Nicole again. The thought scared her a little, but it excited her more than anything.

That particular morning, Waverly found herself waking up from a good dream. Not just any good dream though, a sex dream, about Nicole. As she slowly opened her eyes, she smiled. Maybe she was ready to have sex again after all. Maybe all of this was finally over and she was back to her normal self again. She rolled over in her bed and saw Nicole looking at her attentively. The redhead smiled, showing off her adorable dimples, which made the brunette blush.

“Were you watching me sleep?” Waverly asked with a smile.

“Only for a little bit.”

“That’s creepy.” Waverly teased.

Nicole shook her head. “You’re beautiful when you sleep.”

“Really? Even when I drool?”

“Oh, especially when you drool. Drooling is kind of my thing.” Nicole smirked.

Waverly giggled as she shook her head. “You’re such a dork.” She unexpectedly rolled on top of the older woman and connected their lips as they glided together.

Nicole returned the kiss, slightly hesitant. This was the first time since that night Waverly had kissed her like this. Sure, they had given quick kisses here and there recently, but they were chaste. This kiss was different. This one was filled with passion and desire, and more surprisingly, sexual intention. Nicole didn’t know what to do with her hands. She didn’t know if it was okay to touch the brunette or not, so she just laid there with her arms firmly by her side and kissed her girlfriend.

Waverly could sense Nicole’s hesitation, and grabbed the redhead’s hands and placed them around her waist under her shirt before bringing her own hands up to cup Nicole’s cheeks. Nicole pulled back and looked at her with questioning eyes as her breath hitched.

“It’s okay.” Waverly whispered with a smile before continuing the kiss. As their lips reconnected, Waverly simultaneously grounded her hips down into Nicole’s, causing the older woman to gasp.

Waverly sat up and took off her shirt, exposing her bare torso. She grabbed the hem of Nicole’s shirt, urging the redhead to sit up, which she did, allowing Waverly to take off her shirt as well. Waverly immediately leaned down and ran a tongue over one of Nicole’s nipples.

The redhead moaned at the touch as she gently placed a delicate hand on the back of Waverly’s head. She watched the brunette suck on her hard, pink nipple, and drew her eyebrows together as her breathing became more rapid. She bucked her hips up into Waverly, wanting more.

“God you’re so sexy, Nicole.” Waverly moaned as she kissed down Nicole’s stomach before trailing her kisses back up to Nicole’s neck, lingering there for a moment before kissing up to her mouth. “I am so, totally, undeniably attracted to you.” The way she said it made it sound almost as if she had something to prove, but Nicole shrugged it off. Waverly darted a tongue and searched out Nicole’s. They massaged each other’s tongues for a moment until Waverly couldn’t take it anymore, and she smashed her lips into Nicole’s. She pulled the redhead’s bottom lip between her teeth and tugged it back before letting it slip out.

“I want you so bad.” Waverly began rocking her hips against Nicole, letting out tiny whimpers at the friction against her aching center. “I want you to make me come.”

Nicole paused and looked into Waverly’s eyes. “Are you sure?”

The brunette nodded fervently. “Yes.”

The redhead grinned as she instinctively flipped them over and began nipping and kissing at Waverly’s neck, smiling at the way the brunette was gasping and moaning. She slid her hand between their bodies and into the waistband of Waverly’s cotton sleep shorts, pausing when she felt something she had never felt there before – pubic hair. She was going to comment on it, but quickly stopped herself. She wasn’t sure if the reason for the hair was because the process of waxing was too much for Waverly right now, or because she was reinventing herself, or simply because she just wanted the change. But either way, she didn’t want to bring up any bad thoughts, so she continued her fingers further south, where she was pleased to find the brunette’s center slick with arousal. She ran her fingers through the wet folds and simultaneously thrusted against Waverly’s thigh, sighing at the pressure against her own clit.

“Do you want me inside?” Nicole asked as she continued to run her fingers up, gently circling at the top over Waverly’s hood before dropping them back down, just the way she knew her girlfriend liked it. She punctuated her question with a few kisses on the girl’s neck.

Waverly froze. Her mind began to flash back to that night at the party. She remembered the feeling of Champ’s mouth on her neck, exactly where Nicole’s was right now. She remembered his body pressed up against hers, thrusting the way Nicole’s was right now. She remembered how powerless she felt, and suddenly she couldn’t breathe. Suddenly Nicole’s hand touching her between her legs didn’t feel good anymore. She knew it was Nicole on top of her right now, but her mind was trying to convince her that it was Champ. She felt violated. Her heartbeat raced as fear coursed through her entire body.

“Waverly?” Nicole asked in concern when the brunette had stopped breathing. She felt the woman’s body go stiff beneath her. Nicole pulled back and looked at her girlfriend.

“No! Get off of me!” Waverly finally said once she found her voice and pushed Nicole so hard that she fell off of the bed and onto the floor.

Waverly grabbed the covers and pulled them up to her neck, covering her body as she began to hyperventilate. She backed away as far as possible from the side of the bed where she heard a person trying to get up, and hugged knees tightly against the front of her body, curling up as she tried to protect herself. She expected to see Champ, but instead she saw Nicole stand up from the floor, looking at her with worried eyes.

“Waverly, are you okay?!”

Guilt began to wash over her as she shook her head. She couldn’t believe the trick her mind had just played on her. “I...I’m sorry. I thought you were...” She trailed off as she closed her eyes. She focused on slowing her breathing down since she was quickly becoming lightheaded.

“Thought I was what?” Nicole asked in confusion.

Waverly opened her eyes as she took a deep breath. “I thought you were him.”

Nicole didn’t know what to say. She knew Waverly wouldn’t want her to look at her with pity, so she just nodded at the confession. “Waverly, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have touched you like that without asking first. I should’ve been more careful.” She tried to keep her voice soft and soothing.

Waverly shook her head as she continued to hold the comforter over her body. “No, it’s my fault. I asked you to. I thought I was ready.”

Nicole shook her head as she sat on the bed and leaned closer to Waverly. “No, baby, don’t feel bad. It’s okay to not know–” She paused when she noticed Waverly retreating away from her the closer she got. She quickly stood up from the bed, not wanting to invade her girlfriend’s personal space any further.

“I’m sorry.” Waverly apologized when she realized Nicole had noticed what she was doing. “I just need a minute.”

Nicole nodded and gave Waverly a weak smile before throwing her shirt back on. “I’ll just uh...I’ll go brush my teeth.” She gave Waverly a quick smile and nod before walking out of Waverly’s bedroom and into the hall bathroom, closing the door behind her to give the girl some privacy.

Waverly sighed as she slid down onto the mattress, covering her face with her hands and shaking her head. She wiped away the frustrated tears in her eyes and slammed a fist into the mattress. “God dammit!” She hissed before letting out another deep breath and regaining her composure.

When Nicole walked into the bathroom, she quickly shut the door behind her and rested her hands on the sink as she took a deep breath. She was still unbearably aroused from before, and she hated herself for it. Her girlfriend was going through something traumatic and here she was, clit throbbing and desperate for attention. She knew why though; they hadn’t been intimate in a couple of weeks and she hadn’t even touched herself during that time because she was too busy worrying about Waverly. She had built up sexual frustration, and her body craved that release. She wasn’t even aware of it until she had gotten a little taste, and now her sex felt like it was on fire. She shook her head and sighed as she shoved her hand down the front of her red plaid boxer shorts, gasping at the pool she found down there. She figured she would just give herself a quick one. It’s not like she was doing anything wrong.

She frantically circled her fingers around her clit as she gripped the counter with her free hand, rocking her hips simultaneously against her hand. She bit her bottom lip as she tried to keep herself from making any noises. The last thing she wanted was for Waverly to know what she was doing, but boy did it feel good. She turned on the faucet for good measure, letting the sound of the running water drown out her quiet moans and heavy breathing.

Suddenly, the door swung open.

“Hey, I don’t want you to feel like–” Waverly froze when she saw Nicole yank her hand out of her shorts and whisper a harsh ‘shit’ in surprise at being caught.

“Waverly, I–”

“Sorry.” Waverly mumbled before quickly shutting the door.

Nicole stood there, staring at the closed door for a few seconds before facing the sink. She turned off the water before resting her hands on the white countertop and dropped her head, shaking it in embarrassment and anger. “Fuck!” She yelled as she slammed her palms down on the countertop. She rubbed a hand over her face as she looked at herself in the mirror, trying to steady her breathing. She wanted to calm herself down before seeing Waverly again. Part of her just wanted to hide in there forever, but she knew she couldn’t. She cleaned herself up and splashed some water on her face before taking a few deep breaths. After a few moments, she opened the bathroom door and walked back into the bedroom, but Waverly wasn’t there. She saw her dresser drawers open and the clothes that she had on before laying on the floor. When she realized Waverly was probably leaving, she rushed out of the room.

“Waverly!” Nicole pleaded as she ran down the stairs.

“I have to run some errands.” The brunette said as she put on her winter coat before grabbing her satchel that contained some books she had packed. She was obviously avoiding eye contact, which made the redhead feel even more embarrassed. “I’ll see you later.” She walked out of the house and into the chilly snow before shutting the door behind her.

Nicole growled in frustration as she slammed a fist on the door. She took a deep breath through her nose as she ran her hands through her hair and closed her eyes, trying to calm herself down.

“What happened?” Wynonna asked from where she was sitting on the couch.

“I fucked up.” Nicole trudged over to the couch and slumped down next to the older Earp.

Wynonna nodded as she took in the sight of the distraught redhead. “She’ll come around.”

“When?”

Wynonna shrugged. “When she’s ready.” She turned more to face Nicole. “Does she still have nightmares?”

“Not as often.” Nicole sighed as she bent forward and rested her elbows on her knees. She rubbed her eyes and shook her head. She hated not being able to help Waverly. She wished she could just snap her fingers and everything would be back to the way it was before, but she knew she needed to be patient.

Wynonna reassuringly rubbed Nicole’s shoulders in an attempt to console her sister’s girlfriend. “Don’t beat yourself up. She knows you love her. Just don’t push her and let her come to you.”

Nicole nodded and grabbed Wynonna’s hand, giving it a light squeeze as a silent ‘thank you’ before standing up from the couch. “I have to go home and feed Calamity before getting ready for work.” She went up the stairs to change back into the casual and warmer clothes she had on the night before and descended back down the stairs. “Later.” She briefly said to Wynonna as she grabbed her jacket from the coat rack and without even putting it on, walked out the door.

---

Waverly had initially gone off to the library to read the books she had rented a few days ago on the history of Purgatory – something she used to do frequently before she met Nicole, and had been doing again lately to ease her mind. She sat down at one of the tables in the nearly-empty building, but the intense quiet made her anxious. So she packed up her books again and made her way to the ‘rivalry’ coffee shop that all the college kids studied at. She smiled when she saw how packed the place was, and took a seat at the only empty table as she put her earbuds in, took out her books and an empty notepad, and began taking some notes of interesting facts she hadn’t known before. After about 10 minutes of reading, she unexpectedly felt a hand on her shoulder, and she jumped as she yanked the headphones out of her ears.

“Jesus! Jumpy much?!” Chrissy snapped in reaction to being frightened by Waverly’s dramatic reaction.

Waverly held a hand over her chest as her heart rate began to slow back down to a normal pace. “Sorry. You snuck up on me.” She mumbled before focusing her attention back on her books.

“I called your name a few times, but I guess you didn’t hear me because of the headphones.” Chrissy explained as she sat down in the empty chair across from the brunette.

Waverly didn’t look up, or respond to her friend. Instead, she just continued writing. This was the first time in a few days that she had a reaction like that to someone touching her, and she quickly became frustrated. She felt like she was back at square one.

“Um, hello?” Chrissy waved a hand in front of the brunette’s face, finally catching Waverly’s attention. “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing.” Waverly said shortly, obvious annoyance in her voice, as she buried her face in her books. She really just wanted to be left alone, but didn’t want to be rude.

“You’re in a bit of a mood...” Chrissy scoffed as she sipped her coffee.

“Sorry. I just...have cramps.” Waverly shrugged, hoping the blonde would accept the explanation and move on. It was true when she had said it to Nicole and Wynonna over a week ago, but Chrissy didn’t need to know that.

Chrissy quirked an eyebrow. She knew it was bullshit, because Waverly had been acting weird since the party a couple of weeks ago. “Oh? Well you should see your gynecologist, because you’ve been ‘having cramps’ for two weeks now.” She sarcastically used air quotes around the two words. “Seriously Waves, what’s up with you? You’ve been acting weird ever since the party. Every time I try to invite you over, you find an excuse. Do you not like my new place or something?”

“No.” Waverly shook her head.

“Is it Rosita? Do you feel weird that we hooked up that one time? Because we’re just roommates…”

“No, of course not.”

“Well, is it me then? Did I do something wrong?”

“No. God, Chrissy, nothing it wrong, okay? I’m just really busy.”

“Doing...research?” The blonde furrowed her brow as she pointed to the books.

“Yes Chrissy. I’m doing research. You know why? Because I fucking want to! And if you have a problem with that, then you don’t have to be here.”

“Okay, whoa, I wasn’t trying to attack you or anything. Just relax.”

Waverly froze as a chill went up her spine. She heard Champ’s voice whispering in her ear. “Shh, just relax.” Goosebumps spread all over her body.

“Hey, are you okay?” Chrissy asked as she placed a hand on Waverly’s forearm, causing Waverly to quickly yank her arm back.

“Don’t touch me!” She yelled as she jumped out of her chair and backed away from the blonde.

Chrissy held her hands up in defense as she looked at her friend with a worried expression. “Waverly, I’m just trying to help.”

The frantic brunette looked around the room and noticed that everyone was staring at her. She tucked her hair behind her blushing red ear as she leaned over the table and quickly collected her things. “I have to go.” She mumbled as she rushed out of the coffee shop and ran to her Jeep.

Waverly was completely distraught. She needed to talk to someone, and she really didn’t want to talk to Nicole, since the redhead had a tendency to go into police officer mode whenever she got worried. And finding out about this after her freak-out this morning would definitely worry the redhead. The person she really wanted to talk to right now was Wynonna. She headed straight for the homestead, and when she saw that her sister wasn’t home, she started crying as she remembered that the older woman had work today. She really needed to talk to her sister, but she didn’t want to go to Shorty’s. It reminded her too much of Champ. She hadn’t been in there since she confronted him and ran out of there. She could feel herself getting worked up and she began pacing around the room as she closed her eyes and focused on her breathing.

“Okay, you’re okay. Just breathe. Everything is okay. One, two, three, four, five…” She whispered out loud.

She counted all the way to one hundred as she felt herself calm down. She let out a deep breath and wiped her face before pulling out her phone.

Waverly: Can you take a break and come home? I need to talk to someone.

A few minutes later she received a reply.

Wynonna: On my way.

Waverly sighed in relief at the text and held her phone to her chest as she slowly took a seat on the couch. She sat on the edge as she didn’t want to get too comfortable there, since her mind was still racing.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” Wynonna asked worriedly as soon as she saw Waverly sitting on the couch.

Waverly opened her mouth to say something, but instantly broke down. Wynonna sat next to her sister and wrapped her arms around her as Waverly leaned into her side and wept.

“It’s okay, you’re okay.” Wynonna consoled as she rested her chin on top of Waverly’s head and stroked her hair. She noticed that the action was effective in calming her sister down lately.

“I thought it was over. I thought I was okay now.” Waverly croaked between sobs as she wiped her face with the back of her hand.

Wynonna pulled back and looked at her baby sister. “Is this about this morning, with Nicole?” She asked softly as she continued to brush a hand though Waverly’s hair.

Waverly sniffled as she nodded. “Kind of. That’s part of it too, I guess.”

“What happened?” Wynonna asked.

Waverly took a deep breath and wiped a few more tears from her face. “I walked in on Nicole touching herself in the bathroom this morning.”

Wynonna shifted her eyes uncomfortably. “Uh, are you sure I should be hearing this?” She wanted to be there for her sister, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear about her sister’s girlfriend Jillin’ off. The two had gotten close lately, but not that close.

Waverly nodded. “It’s okay. This morning, I thought I was ready. I mean, I’ve been thinking about being intimate with her for the past few days, and I thought it was what I wanted. But as soon as she started touching me, I froze. I felt him all over me, and I freaked out on her and pushed her onto the floor. She said she was going to brush her teeth, but when I went into the bathroom to talk to her, she had her hand down her pants.” Waverly shook her head as she sighed. “I just feel so guilty. It’s obvious that she wants to have sex, but I’m just not sure when I’ll be ready again.” She looked up at her sister. “Do you think she’s going to leave me if I can’t have sex?”

Wynonna confidentially shook her head. “I think she’d wait forever for you to be ready. And you finding her, you know…” Wynonna paused for a moment, needing to collect herself. “I don’t think that what you walked in on has anything to do with you. She was probably just all hot and bothered and needed to get off. We’ve all had moments like that. But I don’t think she’s mad or upset with you for not being ready yet. In fact, I know she’s not. She’s Nicole Haught. She’s like the epitome of a frickin’ perfect girlfriend. It’s kind of annoying, actually…”

“Really?” Waverly queried.

Wynonna nodded. “You know, she was pretty upset with herself this morning. Felt like she really fucked things up with you.”

Waverly frantically shook her head. “She didn’t! I only left so quickly because I was feeling guilty and embarrassed that I freaked out on her when I was the one who had initiated it. I got her all worked up and pushed her away and she had to finish the job herself.”

“Well I’m sure she was embarrassed too. I mean, she probably feels super guilty for doing it solo while you’re going through a tough time. I know I sure would.”

Waverly sighed, realizing how Nicole was probably feeling right now. And she was sure that ignoring the redhead’s texts weren’t helping her either. “I should talk to her.”

Wynonna nodded. “So, uh, you said that was part of it. Did something else happen today?”

Before Waverly could even answer, there was a knock on the door, causing the younger woman to jump. Wynonna placed a reassuring hand on her sister’s shoulder.

“I’ll get it. Stay here.” Wynonna cracked the door open and saw Chrissy Nedley standing on the porch before opening it all the way.

“Hey. Is Waverly here?” The blonde asked. She had a worried expression.

“Uh…” Wynonna looked over at Waverly with questioning eyes, who was already making her way towards the door.

“It’s okay.” Waverly signaled for Wynonna to step aside as she stood in front of the door and looked at her friend. “You can come in.” Waverly looked at her sister with reassuring eyes, signaling that she was okay now.

“Well, I have to get back to work. Text me if you need anything, Waverly.” Wynonna gave Chrissy a curt nod before making her way out the door, leaving the two girls standing in the living room in awkward silence.

“Um, I just came by to see how you were doing.” Chrissy said, not wanting to intrude, but she was concerned about her friend.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Waverly gave a weak smile.

“Waverly…” Chrissy said her name softly. “It’s me. Your best friend since grade 6. You don’t have to pretend. I can tell you’re not okay.”

“I know. It’s just, um…” Waverly shook her head. She didn’t know how to explain to her friend that it was difficult for her to talk about what was wrong, without actually telling her what was wrong.

“Hey, come here. Sit down.” Chrissy led them over to the couch, and Waverly blew out a shaky puff of air after sitting down next to the blonde. She fervently shook her leg as the nerves began to creep up.

“Before you decide whether or not you want to tell me about this, I think it’s only fair that I tell you something first.” Chrissy said as she gave Waverly a weird look.

“Okay?” Waverly quirked an eyebrow. She had an unsettling feeling that Chrissy knew what was going on; that she could see right through the front she had put up. If Chrissy knew, did that mean everybody could see? Could everybody just look at her and know what had happened? The thought of her being exposed terrified her.

Chrissy took a moment to compose herself before speaking. “Do you remember that guy I went on a couple of dates with a few years ago? Right after we graduated?”

“The older guy with that tattoo on his forearm?”

Chrissy nodded. “Well, the first date with him went fine. He was a pretty nice guy. But the second one…” Chrissy trailed off as she looked off into the distance. She took a couple of deep breaths before continuing. “He picked me up in his car for the second one. We went out to a nice restaurant, had a good time, talked about random things. I was beginning to really like him. Talking to him was easy.” She paused and took another deep breath. “As he was driving me home, he asked me if I wanted to have sex. I lightheartedly teased that I didn’t hook up until the third date, and his whole demeanor changed. He got…angry. He pulled over to the side of the road and hopped over to my side, slammed my seat back into a reclining position as he proceeded to force himself on me…in me. He said he would kill me if I screamed or tried to fight him. I froze. Didn’t know what to do, so I just laid there. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I wasn’t even sure if it was real.” She shook her head as she wiped away a single tear that had escaped. “After he was finished, he drove me home. I never saw him again, and I didn’t tell anyone for months.”

Waverly looked at her friend with wide eyes and mouth slightly agape. She didn’t know what to say. She had no idea that any of this had happened, but looking back, it made sense. After that guy, Chrissy had kind of fallen off the face of the Earth for a while. Waverly just assumed that was what happened to friends after high school, and they didn’t reconnect for almost a year.

“Chrissy…” Waverly breathed out. She just sat there and continued to look at her friend, taking in the information. The first thing people usually say after hearing a story like this is ‘sorry’. Waverly didn’t want to say that, because she knew first-hand how much saying sorry didn’t help. No words helped, really. Which was why Waverly just sat there in silence, waiting for her friend to continue as she gave all of her attention.

“After it happened, I didn’t feel like going anywhere. I was terrified of seeing him again. So I locked myself in my room and became this hermit. I hated riding in cars with people. Only got in a car if I was the one driving; the one in control. I hated being touched by anyone. Suddenly friendly touches on my shoulder became terrifying, and I freaked out every time.” She gave Waverly a knowing look, and the brunette looked away.

Waverly let out a shaky breath. She knew that Chrissy knew. Her deepest secret was exposed, and she felt extremely vulnerable. She shifted uncomfortably in silence.

“Look, I know it’s hard to talk about. And if I’m right, if something like that did happen to you…then just know that I’m here to listen. I’ve been there, and I know what it’s like. And I want you to know that you’ll get through this. It gets easier, and the pain doesn’t last forever.”

Waverly nodded as a couple of tears dropped down her cheeks. She quickly wiped them away. That was all the confirmation Chrissy needed to know that she was right.

“Can I hug you?” The blonde asked.

Waverly nodded as she leaned into her friend and fell into her warm embrace. They sat there for a few seconds before Waverly pulled back. More tears were flowing from her eyes at this point, and she wiped them with the back of her hand as she sniffled.

“Um, it happened at the Halloween party.” Waverly said softly.

Chrissy nodded. This wasn’t surprising information. She knew that if something did happen to her friend, it was at the party. It made sense. Waverly had been ignoring her since then and wouldn’t go over to her house. She remembered everything about Nicole kicking down their bathroom door, and Champ being passed out in there with a black eye and it didn’t take her long to put two and two together.

“Was it Champ?” Chrissy asked. She tried to keep a neutral tone and not get angry. This was now about Waverly, and it wasn’t for Chrissy to get angry over. It was Waverly’s story, not hers.

Without making eye contact, Waverly nodded. She flitted her eyes up to Chrissy’s for a brief second before looking back down at her lap.

“He pushed me against the wall and covered my mouth so I couldn’t scream. He didn’t…I mean, we still had clothes on. He didn’t get far enough to…it was nothing like what you went through. But it still–“

“But it still fucks you up. Having someone take away all of your control over your own body. Treating you like anything less than a human being. It’s not sex. They think it is, but it’s not. It’s just them using your body to get off.” Chrissy interrupted. There was unmistakable anger and frustration in her voice.

Waverly silently nodded. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what Chrissy went through. She began to feel guilty again. Like her feelings weren’t valid because in comparison, her experience was nothing.

Chrissy looked away, realizing that she was taking away the attention. “Does anybody else know besides Nicole?”

“Wynonna does.”

Chrissy nodded. “And I’m assuming Nicole arrested him? Since I haven’t seen him around town since the party…”

Waverly shook her head. “No, um– Wynonna…convinced him to leave town and never come back.”

Chrissy quirked an eyebrow as she slowly nodded her head. The look on Waverly’s face made it obvious that ‘convinced’ wasn’t the correct word. But she never liked the guy, especially not now after knowing what he had done to Waverly. So she didn’t question it and accepted the information.

“You’re lucky you have them. I wish I had a sister to convince Todd to leave town.” The blonde grimaced. She hadn’t said his name in a while.

Waverly reached out and held her friend’s hand.

“Look, Waverly, I don’t want you to ever feel ashamed or like what happened is your fault. I know how easy it is to feel that way, and I want to make sure you know that Champ is the only person who did anything wrong.”

The sound of Waverly swallowing hard cut through the silence. She hadn’t heard his name in a while, and honestly she thought it would affect her way more than it did. It made her feel a little uneasy, but it didn’t make her feel like completely falling apart the way it had last week. The fact that this was a victory was not completely lost on her, but she still felt like she had a long way to go.

“I don’t feel like it was my fault. At least, not anymore. I did though. After it happened, I felt like it was my fault for not locking the door. Like I should have been more careful and looked out for myself better.”

Chrissy inhaled sharply and nodded in agreement as her breathing quivered a bit. She related to Waverly’s confession, as she too had blamed herself for getting into the car with her attacker and not seeing the signs before, but she kept the thoughts to herself as she let her friend continue.

“But, I realize now that what happened to me, what Champ did to me, isn’t my fault.” A crease formed between her eyebrows as she drew them together, and she gritted her teeth. “I really hate him. And this is going to sound so horrible Chrissy, but most days, I wish he was dead. I wish Wynonna had actually killed him. And I hate him for turning me into that kind of person, because I never would have wished that on anybody before.”

The blonde nodded as she took Waverly’s hands. “That’s not horrible, that’s completely normal.”

Waverly sighed as she slid her hands out of Chrissy’s grasp. She stood up from the couch and began pacing, unable to sit still any longer as rage coursed through her body. “You know what the worst part is? I still feel like what happened to me wasn’t that bad. When Nicole came in and saved me, I thought to myself, ‘Oh, thank God. She got here just in time.’ And I never let myself take in the fact that, she kind of didn’t. He still forced himself on me. And even as I’m saying all of this, the only thing running through my mind is the fact that we didn’t have intercourse, so it’s not that bad.” The brunette sat back down and let out a shaky breath as she ran her hands through her hair. “I wasn’t raped. He held me down, kissed me…he may have grinded himself against me, but it wasn’t rape. I mean, you were...” Waverly waved her hand up and down at Chrissy before she froze. She quickly realized that Chrissy hadn’t used that word, and suddenly she wasn’t sure if it was okay to.

Chrissy stepped in when she realized Waverly’s hesitation. “It’s okay, I’m not ashamed of it anymore. I was raped. He raped me. And even though Champ didn’t rape you, he sexually assaulted you. And that is just as bad.” Waverly nodded as she took in her friend’s words before Chrissy continued. “Do you have nightmares?”

Waverly paused for a moment before nodding.

“And do you freak out when people touch you?”

She nodded again.

“And do you fear being intimate?”

Another nod.

“That’s PTSD. And that only happens when something bad has happened to you. Waverly…” Chrissy grabbed Waverly’s hands with both of hers. “Something really terrible happened to you. And it doesn’t matter what happened to me, or what happened to anyone else. You went through something really traumatizing. And now you have to work through recovering from it.”

Waverly let out a deep breath as she barely nodded her head. She pulled her hands away from Chrissy’s and rubbed her palms over her jeans along her thighs. All of these things had been said to her before, but now that they were being said by someone who, in Waverly’s opinion, had been through so much worse, she felt validated. “Um, can I ask how long it took you to be able to…you know, to have sex again?”

“Well, for me it took a while. But the timing is different for everyone. Like I said, I didn’t tell anyone for months. The way you’re talking about it right now took me much longer to do. So the amount of time it took me to trust people again won’t be exactly the same for you.”

Waverly nodded. It made sense.

“Plus, I wasn’t in a relationship when it happened so I didn’t have anyone else to think about. And I’m not gay. I can imagine it’s different trusting a woman to touch you than it is trying to trust a man to touch you again.”

“Oh god. I can’t even imagine having sex with a man ever again. I mean, before it just seemed subpar in comparison. But now, even the thought of being with a man makes me feel sick.”

“See, it’s already different for you.” Chrissy gestured. “But I started going to therapy, and that helped me get through it and reclaim myself and my sexuality again.”

Waverly nodded as she let out a short laugh. “Nicole has been trying to get me to go to therapy. She says it might help.”

“It definitely helped me. It was hard at first, talking to someone about it. But she really did help me in ways I never thought possible.”

With a sigh, Waverly nodded her head. “So, you think it’ll help me be able to be intimate with Nicole again?”

“I think it’ll help you with that, plus everything else. I don’t jump when people unexpectedly touch me anymore. I’m not afraid to ride in a car with someone, and I’m not scared to go out on dates and hook up with people. I’m more cautious now, but I’m not afraid.”

Waverly nodded as she took in the information. Maybe therapy wasn’t so bad after all.

“But Waverly, it’s completely up to you. You’re the only one who can decide if it’s what’s right for you. But I think it would be good for you to at least try it.”

“I think…I think I’m going to try it. I don’t want my life to be like this anymore. I want to move on.”

---

Later that evening, Waverly made her way over to the police station to talk to Nicole. She turned the corner of the lobby into the back and headed straight for Nicole’s desk.

“Hey. Can we talk?” She said as big brown eyes looked up at her.

Nicole paused, surprised that Waverly was there, before answering. “Yeah. The break room is empty if you want to go in there.”

Waverly nodded as she made her way into the room. She set her purse down on the table before she began pacing. Nicole followed a few paces behind her.

“Is it okay if I shut the door?” The redhead asked. Shut doors had been a trigger for Waverly. She was starting to not get so unnerved by them, but after this morning the officer wasn’t taking any chances.

Waverly nodded. “Yeah, that’s okay.”

As soon as Nicole had shut the door to give them some privacy, she stepped towards Waverly. “I’m really sorry about this morning.” She was cut off by Waverly holding a hand up.

“Don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I just…I feel really guilty that you’re struggling with this, and here I am getting off in your fucking bathroom. I mean, who does that?” She bit her bottom lip and shook her head, feeling disappointed in herself.

“I know. And really, it’s okay Nicole. I don’t expect your sex drive to disappear just because I’m going through something.”

“Waverly, I don’t ever want you to think that I can’t handle us not having sex. Even if it takes you months, years even, I’ll wait. I love you more than anyone and anything, and I would never give up on you.”

“I know.” Waverly nodded as she stepped closer to Nicole and grabbed her hands. “And I don’t want you to think that this is me going backwards, because it’s not. It’s me figuring out exactly where I’m at with this. I just went a little bit too fast this morning. I jumped the gun. But I want to keep trying. I want to keep trying with you, because I do trust you, and you’re so important to me.”

Nicole shook her head. “But you don’t have to.”

“But I want to.” She cupped Nicole’s cheeks. “We just have to go a little bit slower.”

The officer leaned into her girlfriend’s touch. She wrapped her hands around Waverly’s on her face and nodded. “I can do that.”

The brunette smiled as she leaned in and gave Nicole a slow, tender kiss. It lasted about three seconds before she pulled away and rested her forehead against Nicole’s. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Waverly. So, so much.”

“I’m going to look for a therapist.” Waverly confessed as she looked into Nicole’s eyes.

Nicole smiled as relief washed over her. Waverly was ready to seek help, and she was so relieved. “That’s great, Waves. I’ll be here, by your side, every step of the way.”