393. River Flows N.U.~Poolside Battle~

"What the hell!? You maidenless wench!" yelled Gumball. "What do you mean, 'Balut isn't abortion!' Yes, it is! It's Duck Abortion!"

"But we eat Balut," said Josuke.

"Yeah. Because you Filipinos are fucking savages, dude!" yelled Gumball. "Who eats fertilized duck egg!?"

"Us! It's called embracing one's culture! Now eat it!"

"No!"

"God, I hate myself."

"Shit! You're doing it again!"

"Sorry! Can you not be an asshole to me, for once!?"

The pair are arguing in front of the television.

"Cats..." Jake shook his head.

"Is Josuke a cat?" asked Darwin.

"I don't know, man! Probably?" asked Jake.

"Dinner's ready!" smiled BMO.

"Sure!" yelled the others in the group.

"Catty bitch!" yelled Josuke.

"You're the catty bitch, you catty bitch!" yelled Gumball.

"You both are," said Jake. "Now eat your treats with us."

"Ugh!" yelled Josuke and Gumball.

"So... are they?" asked Darwin.

"They're both blue, they both purr, they're both losers, and they act like cats. What do you think?" asked Jake.

"I think that's racist," said Finn.

"How is saying two people of different species with the same fur color the same breed or species racist?"

"That's like saying Filipinos and the Vietnamese are the same ethnicities," said Spongebob.

"What!?" asked Jake.

"Uh..." said Finn. "That's like saying a Bulldog with yellow fur is the same breed as a Husky with yellow fur."

"Oh! Okay! Now, I get it! When you applied my race there, I get it now," said Jake.

"Dude..." said Darwin, shaking his head.

Everyone else shakes their head in disgust.

In Earth-777...

"What the honest fuck do you mean by 'manspreading'!?" asked Miguel. "Why would I turn that illegal!?"

"Because why would a woman like me want to see a man's penis!?"

"That's not the point of man sprea-! Y'know what!?"

Miguel snaps his fingers and turns her into a muscular man.

"OH, GOD!!!" sobbed the woman. "What have you done to me!?"

"I turned you into a man with huge balls, pelvis, and penis. Now, try to not man spread for 30 minutes while on that chair. If you fail three times or if that ass of yours gets off that seat, I won't turn it illegal..." said Miguel. "I will watch you. Okay?"

Miguel Ibarra is in court before several people trying to make laws for their new nation. The court is just the main stage of an abandoned and now newly renovated supermall in Burnham.

*beep beep!*

"Yeah?" asked Miguel. Miguel turns to the woman. "That's 'One.' You have two lives left before game over."

"My balls were itchy!"

"Yeah. And that's called 'hypocrisy' with a dash of 'karma!'" yelled Miguel. "Hyelloo?"

Meanwhile... Gabrielle is typing down some paperwork while eating boiled egg on top of rice...

"Hey, Miguel..." said Gabrielle. "Apparently there are sightings of a Septarian going about Burnham in Earth-Prince. And apparently, he has a Dark Quartz tattoo on his shoulder according to the Speedwagon Spy."

"Huh? What do you mean? I thought there aren't any Septarians who went to Earth-Prince recently because of the Hunger Strike in Mewnie."

"Yeah... This guy has no I.D., no prints, nothing. And he doesn't have a middle finger."

"Oh... kay...? That's weird."

"And he was seen behind Josuke's mansion holding a fishbowl with what looks like an Axolotl inside..." Gabrielle sees a picture of Toffee holding the Axolotl.

Meanwhile... Back in the Court of Ibarra...

"I'll check it out later. HEY!!! THAT'S STRIKE TWO!!! Did you just man spread again!?"

"Fuck! I get it! Would you stop being an asshole!?"

"No! I can sense all the things you've done in the past by inconveniencing several men in your lives! That's fucked up and sexist! It's not feminism if you choose superiority over equality! NOW, SIT!!!"

"SJW or colored supremacist?" asked Gabrielle.

"Feminist, actually," said Miguel. "Or so-called feminist. HEY!!! I SAW THAT!!! THAT IS A LEWD HAND GESTURE, ASSHOLE!!!Anyway, don't worry, Gabrielle... I'll check that guy out in a sec."

It is revealed that there's a huge line of people outside Miguel's throneroom. Behind him are the Disciples.

"This is gonna take a while," said Miguel. "Strike three. You're out."

He snaps his fingers and the woman returns to normal.

"Fuck you!" she yelled, as she walks away.

"Yeah! We're different! Accept that!" yelled Miguel.

A Filipino man walks in.

"Hey!" smiled Miguel. "Oh no... What do you want?"

The Filipino man tears off his shirt, revealing a Dream Sexual flag. He begins singing Dream Sus Remix.

"I suck his dick with a smile for hours at a time-!!!" he sang.

"Oh my God..." Miguel facepalms.

The Disciples cover their faces or face away, cringing and shaking their heads.

"That song is fucking counterintuitive at this moment because that song is meant to roast Dream."

"Stare at his nutsack while I hold back my cum tonight.And when he asked me what position I say, 'Doggystyle-!!!'"

"Felix? Take him away..." said Miguel.

Pewds nods and summons Pepe the Frog to grab the man and hop out of the court.

"(And when they ask me what position I say, "Doggystyle")But the fact isI can never get off of his fat dickAnd all that they can ask is (Ask is, ask is)'I just wanna smack it' (I just wanna smack it)!"

"Dreamsexual is not a gender, religion, or science, asshole! IT WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING MORE THAN A STUPID CONCEPT BY YOUR LITTLE TWITTER CULT!!! AND I AM GLAD SOME ANONYMOUS PERSON KILLED THE ANDROID THAT INSTIGATES THE TWITTER PROGRAM!!!" said Miguel. 

"YOU MADE ZOOPHILES LEGAL!!!"

"CORRECTION!!! AS LONG AS THE ANIMAL IS AN EVOLVED CREATURE SIMILAR TO RAPHAEL JOJO, IT'S LEGAL!!! BUT IF IT ISN'T, THAT ANIMAL HAS NO CONSENT, AND THEREFORE YOU'D BE BASICALLY SHAGGING YOUR PET, YOU FREAK!!! NOW, GO LIVE YOUR MISERABLE LIFE, YOU CULTIST!!! I DEEM YOUR SO-CALLED SEXUALITY AN ACTUAL FUCKING SIN!!! DREAM TOLD YOU TO LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!"

"Go fuck yourself, man! Your demon girlfriend has small boobs!"

Miguel warps out a slipper. "I will send you to Jesus. And yes, this is a Steven He reference."

"You ARE Jesus!"

"Then I'll shove you to Heaven with me, asshole!"

The man is taken away.

"Sorry about that."

"No, no!" yelled Gabrielle. "I enjoyed that! Really entertaining! I eat eggs and rice, now. That's just how poor I am this week... And this really made my day!"

"Huh... Really, now?"

"Yeah! Pretty political!"

Meanwhile... back in Earth-Prince...

Everyone is sound asleep at night... There are no whispers... No sound... Nothing... Everyone is resting in peace...

*CLANG, CLANG!!!*

Spongebob wakes up.

In a plastic drawer underwater a large tank in their own room, Spongebob and Patrick stay on the top floor of the room, sleeping in the bedrooms.

"Spongebob!" yelled Patrick. "There's someone in the pool!"

"How can you hear that from all the way outside the mansion!?" asked Spongebob.

"Because of the plot, Spongebob! The plot!" yelled Patrick. "Should we check it out?"

"Alright..." sighed Spongebob. "Fine... Let's swim up to the tank..."

At the top of the drawer, a robotic ladder goes down inside the tank and the pair climbs up. A robotic ladder goes down outside the tank and the pair climb down.

Spongebob and Patrick sneak out of the mansion and into the grassy lawn.

There, they see the pool.

"Patrick... I'm scared...!" yelled Spongebob.

Patrick hugs Spongebob. "I told you so...!"

*SPLASH!!!*

There's movement in the water.

"What was that!?" asked Patrick.

"I don't know... The water's cloudier th-th-than usual..." said Spongebob.

"I don't think it's me th-th-this time..." said Patrick.

"Either way, I'm not g-g-going in there!" said Spongebob.

"No, Spongebob! I'm done being a coward!" yelled Patrick.

"You're right, Patrick. We should stop being cowards and be a couple of asexual Absolute Alpha Units... Non-Binary Nut-Busters! Gender-fluid Guy-friends!"

"Heck yeah, Spongebob! Let's go blow our loads all over this bad guy."

"How about we just not do that or say it that way?"

"Oh, Spongebob! Everybody wants to bust their nuts!"

"Patrick, every day as the years go on, I grow to be warier of your sexual frustrations over everyone around you."

The two walk into the pool steps and drop to the bottom of the pool.

*blub blub blub blub*

Spongebob and Patrick hold hands.

"Hello...?" asked Spongebob.

*bloop!*

"Who's there!?" asked Patrick, turning around himself. "Hey! Stay away from us!"

*bloop!*

"Spongebob... Patrick..." whispered a creepy voice. "I am here to collect your flesh..."

Spongebob and Patrick shiver and hug each other.

"What!?" asked the pair. 

"Oh... Sh-Shrimp...!" said Spongebob. "Jumping Jellyfish!!! WHAT, IN THE UNHOLY OCEAN, IS THAT!?"

An axolotl appears before Spongebob and Patrick, looking very adorable, but larger than them in size.

"OH, NEPTUNE!!!" yelled Patrick. "IT'S HIDEOUS!!!"

"Hmhmhehehehehahahahahahahaha!" he laughed evilly. "I am Alex..."

"Oh, sweet Mother of Pearl," said Spongebob. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TENTACLES ON YOUR FACE!?"

"YOU LOOK LIKE THE UNHOLY C'THULU!!!" yelled Patrick.

"Okay... That's enough-..." said Alex. 

"YOU LOOK LIKE A WHALE FETUS!!!" yelled Spongebob.

"I am here to collect your flesh..." he hissed.

"How about... 'No?'" asked Patrick.

"Then... I will take it by force..." Alex swims backward and into the foggy waters.

The pair just look around.

*THWIP!!!*

 A stinger appears and immediately shoots Patrick's hand.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" yelled Patrick, as his tentacle bleeds heavily and turns purple.

Spongebob tears Patrick's arm off and Patrick regenerates his arm.

Spongebob and Patrick run away from Alex, but realize that they're now lost inside the pool.

They try swimming up and end up on the surface. However, they find out that they're at the center of the pool.

They try swimming away to land, but whirlpools appear and they get swept away into the waters.

Out of fear, Patrick's Stand finally appears and tries to attack Alex.

Alex's arm is torn off, but it regenerates.

Alex shoots more stingers at Patrick, who gets shot over and over.

Patrick then grows larger but gets hit even more all over his arm.

Patrick is forced to shrink smaller than Spongebob and he hides inside Spongebob's pocket.

"Patrick!" yelled Spongebob.

Patrick tears off his arm. "I'm okay! Just run!"

Spongebob runs away and pants loudly, trying to escape the creature.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-!!!" yelled Patrick.

Alex shoots more stingers in their direction, and Spongebob is struck in the foot. Spongebob tears his arm off so it can grow back.

Spongebob covers his mouth and puts a finger over Patrick's mouth.

Alex appears right in front of them.

They find something out.

If they stay still and don't make a sound, Alex will ignore you.

Alex swims right above them, ignoring them completely.

They then move very slowly, moving away, but Alex suddenly charged toward them.

They stop moving, and Alex halts an inch away from them.

Alex continues swimming.

Spongebob has an idea. He takes out one of his bomb bubbles and shoots it toward Alex.

*BOOM!!!*

Alex is torn into pieces and the resulting explosion sweeps Spongebob and Patrick away, closer to land.

Frustrated, Alex activates a whirlpool and sweeps the pair around.

Patrick begins floating away out of Spongebob's pocket.

So Spongebob immediately reaches for Patrick.

A stinger is shot in his direction...

*BLOOP!!!*

Three bubbles appeared.

One bubble caught Patrick and floats him back toward Spongebob.

One bubble captured the stinger.

The last bubble moved toward Alex again, subtly.

*BOOM!!!*

Alex is frustrated and creates another whirlpool, sweeping the pair in random places again.

Spongebob, with Patrick in his hand, is now in the center again.

Spongebob shoots a bubble about a few meters away from him.

Spongebob then relaxes his body, completely motionless.

*BOOM!!!*

Spongebob and Patrick are swept in the water and toward the land.

Alex sees that the bubbles are pushing something away from it.

Alex sneers as he points his submarine at them. The submarine, on its size, has missile launchers that cock its barrels. It then shoots at Spongebob.

However...

(theme begins)

The bubble captures the stinger. 

Spongebob then blows a bridge of bubbles toward Alex. 

Spongebob then blows the bubble nearest Alex first. 

He then shifts all of the bubbles toward him and blows another bubble the closest to him.

Spongebob repeats this over and over in the bridge of bubbles as the pair, though motionless, are swept toward the shore of the pool.

(theme ends at 0:58)

"I'm gonna blow my load all over ya," said Spongebob, smiling.

All the bubbles crash into Alex.

"Oh..."

*BANG!!!*

*SPLASH!!!*

(theme begins at 1:45)

A large explosion pours water all over the neighborhood. During the explosion, for a split second, a portal opens near the pool and closes.

Every house in the neighborhood has its lights turned on instantly.

Spongebob and Patrick are shot out of the pool, posing like a couple of cool dudes.

Spongebob and Patrick then do peace signs while smiling handsomely at the camera. They then wink at the camera cringingly.

They land.

The pool's water is no longer cloudy and is now half-full and empty.

(theme ends at 2:00)

Patrick grows back to normal.

Spongebob and Patrick pant out of tiredness.

A portal opens.

"What the hell!?" asked Miguel. "Shit... I'm too late. Did the Axolotl attack already!?"

"How'd you know it was an axolotl?" asked Patrick, being sus.

Miguel shows the picture of Toffee with the fishbowl and an Axolotl.

"You people... are under grave danger," said Miguel. "Tell me everything..."

Later...

"Oh... Alex..." Toffee places Spongebob's flesh and Patrick's flesh into a pink potion along with Alex's tentacle, creating a potion in a vial. "Your sacrifice will be infinitely more meaningful than your life..." He then puts the liquid in the syringe and injects it into the caterpillar.

*HISS!!!*

Toffee plucks out one of its legs as it hisses. It then heals back its leg. Toffee then pets the creature on his lap.

"Soon... You will grow, my child..." said Toffee. "Soon..."