39. Chapter 39

Carina comes ‘home’ after a sixteen hour shift at the hospital. She’s just dealing with covid patients the entire time. It’s exhausting mentally and physically. At least, in Seattle, she got to deal with her regular patients in OB in addition to helping when needed with Covid patients. This, here in Italy, is a totally different ball game. Everyday it’s about coming to the hospital trying to prevent people from dying of the same thing, over and over and over. For every person they manage to save, it seems like another dies.

It's got Carina thinking that death really has a way of putting things into perspective. Life, in general. And as much nostalgia as she has for life in Italy and how much she loves it, this isn’t where she wants to be, needs be to be, yearns to be. Italy will always be her home, her native county, her native tongue. It’s the place she was born and grew up. It’s the place with all her heritage. It’s where her parents are from, where they were born and grew up. Where they fell in love and got married. Where they brought two children into the world.

It’s also the place where her parent’s relationship fell apart. Where they got divorced. Where they split her and Andrea apart. Where her father’s mental illness took hold. Where she had to grow up and be the adult as a child. Where she had to have all this responsibility because her father was too unstable to have any of his own. Where she had to care for him.

It's a bit of a double edged sword. With things so good and then so bad all wrapped into one.

And in a few days, it’s going to be the place where she spreads half of Andrea’s ashes. She and Gabriella have planned a weekend trip to her hometown. To that beach, on the sea, where she and Andrea would play as children. Where they spent so much of their time, so much of their summers. It’s the perfect place.

Carina spends a lot of time thinking about her brother. Andrea. How he is gone too soon? How he can’t come back to Italy anymore. How his homeland won’t get to receive him ever again; just this one last time when she spreads his ashes. Carina gets up and goes into the room. She gets the container with his ashes. She left the urn in Seattle. It sits on the mantle over the fireplace in the apartment. Or, at least, that’s where Carina left it. Maya could have moved it since she left. Carina thinks it won’t always sit on the mantle though. It’s just there for now. She knows other decorations go there or, she doesn’t know yet, but maybe Christmas decorations in the winter. Now it’s pictures in frames, and candles, and that poster that Maya has of the 1960 Rome Olympics. The urn can probably go on one of the shelves on either side of the tv for a more permanent home.

She sets the container on the table and sits down. Carina has done this a few times since she’s been in Italy, to feel closer to Andrea. She wonders what the weather will be like when she and Gabriella go down to the sea to spread his ashes. It’s summer, so she expects it to be warm, if not hot. Carina just hopes it’s not raining. They only have enough time to be there for a few hours so it would be disappointing if it were to rain.

Her thoughts shift to Maya. And being able to bring Maya here one day. To her hometown, to Italy in general. To be able to show her the sights, all of Carina’s favorite places, where she grew up, the house they lived in. To go to the beach that she and Andrea played at as kids and even went to as teenagers.

Gabriella walks into the room. “What up with that look?” She pulls a jug of water from the fridge and pours herself a glass.

Carina hums, pensive. “Just thinking about being able to bring Maya to Italy one day.”

“Oh boy.” Gabriella shakes her head. “Do you think blondie would come all this way?”

“Si.” Carina narrows her eyes at her friend. “She wanted to- well, I don’t know if wanted to is the right phrase. She was willing to come now, with me, to help out until my visa issues were sorted. She wanted to do that. For me. Even with everything that is going on.”

Gabriella comes over and sits across from Carina. “I haven’t told you this yet. But you are very lucky to have found someone who is protective of you. Of all of you. Even when a world away. And someone who is willing to drop everything if something is wrong. To fly halfway around the world.”

Carina smirks. “She wasn’t always like that.”

“No?”

Carina shakes her head. “No. I don’t know when it changed. At the beginning, when we first started seeing each other, Maya put her career before everything else. Before everything. It didn’t matter what it was. She wouldn’t even go on vacation. And maybe that’s around the time it changed. Or started to change. When we went on our first vacation together.”

Gabriella hums, thoughtful.

Carina thinks about it too. “But then maybe not. I don’t know. That thing with Jack happened and-“ She sighs. “-I don’t really know.”

“Are you having second thoughts?”

Carina wrinkles her brow. “About what?”

“Getting married.”

“No, not at all.”

Gabriella spins her water glass around. “So, that thing with Jack. You’re not worried about it?”

Carina shakes her head. For the most part, she isn’t. Maya has changed or is trying to change her behaviors since then. “She started going to therapy. And it had less to do with Jack than I originally thought. It really had nothing to do with Jack.”

Gabriella laughs. “Yeah, except that she had sex with him. That sounds like it was a lot about him.”

“No. It was-“ Carina shakes her. She shouldn’t talk about Maya without her being present like this. “It’s not my story to tell.”

“I still can’t believe you took her back.” Gabriella gets up. “Blondie, must be that great in bed.” She chuckles.

“Well-“ Carina tilts her head to the side. “Yes. She has amazing stamina. But that’s really neither here or there. She’s changed.”

Gabriella comes around the table, taps Carina on the top of the head. “Ah, and so have you.”

“I have?”

“Si. Very much so. The you I knew wouldn’t have blinked twice if someone cheated on you. You would have gone out and found someone else. You wouldn’t linger on it. Or if you did, you wouldn’t show it. You would dump them or stop seeing them or whatever the case was. This with you and blondie is obviously different.”

Carina hums. “Very. I’ve never known anyone on a level that I know Maya.” She almost proud of that fact. For herself and for Maya. “She’s my person.” Carina smiles almost shyly.

Gabriella smiles. “I’m going to bed. Don’t stay up too late with your brother.” She points at the container on the counter.

“I won’t. I’m going too.” She grabs the container and tucks it under her arm, heading for the bedroom as well. “Good night.”

“Bouna notte.” Gabriella winks before she disappears into her room.

Carina sets the container down on the table in her room. She grabs the little bear from near the pillow and tucks into bed. She kisses the bear. “Bouna notte, George.” Carina finally thought of a name for the bear a few days ago.

The car that Gabriella has rented is tiny. A tiny little Fiat. And it’s the first time she wishes she were back in the US with their ginormous everything, including vehicles. She misses her car and hopes that Maya is taking good care of it. She paid enough money for it. The one true luxury item in Carina’s life.

“Uncomfortable?” Gabriella asks as she sees Carina shifting around in the passenger’s seat.

Carina groans. “My legs are too long for this tiny car.” They been driving all morning and Carina is starting to feel claustrophobic and cramped in her space.

Gabriella laughs. “Sounds like a personal problem.”

Carina groans again, sinking down in her seat until her knees hit the dashboard. She runs her hands through her hair in frustration. “How much longer?” They’ve been driving since five in the morning.

Gabriella looks at the navigation system. “Looks like just over two hours yet.”

She doesn’t know why she feels so irritable. Maybe it was getting up at four in the morning. Maybe it’s lack of good sleep as a whole. Or maybe it’s more to do with the thing they are about to go do. Carina cradles the container closer against her stomach.

They finally arrive that their destination. Carina jumps out of the car like it’s on fire. Gabriella chuckles a little. Carina takes a couple laps around the car, stretching her legs.

“We could have stopped somewhere, if you wanted to stretch, you know.” Gabriella climbs out of the care much slower.

Carina shakes out her arms, stretching them over her head before turning around and looking out at the sea. Any stiffness in her body released immediately. She’s taken back to days of childhood, playing on the beach with Andrea. Him building sandcastles and her collecting shells or rocks or anything else she could find. And then teenage years, when he would visit in the summer, and her laying on the towel in the sand trying to perfect her tan while Andrew ran around with some preteen girls trying his very best to flirt with them but failing miserably.

She turns back to the car and retrieves the container that contains his ashes. Carina clutches it to her chest and just stands there for a while staring out at the water. It’s a fairly calm day, just a bit of a ripple in the water.

Gabriella comes around the car and puts a hand on Carina’s shoulder, startling her. “Sorry.” It’s mumbled but Gabriella is true in her apology. “Do you-“ She pauses. “I can stand with you, or do you want to do this alone?”

Carina finally looks over at her friend. She licks her lips, unable to find the words to say. Carina nods.

Gabriella nods in reply. She puts a hand on Carina’s lower back, urging her forward. They walk down towards the water. The closer they get the more unsure Carina gets. She’s starting to think she can’t do this. She can’t go through with this. She can’t part with Andrea.

But then she’s standing there, and the breeze picks up. Carina’s loose hair blows across her face. “Andrea.” She whispers and brushes her hair from her face.

“I’ll be back here.” Gabriella whispers and takes a few steps backwards, away from Carina, and sits in the sand.

Carina looks back at Gabriella, her lip quivering a little. Gabriella gives her an encouraging nod and Carina turns back around.

“Andrea-“ A tear slips from her right eye and Carina wipes it away before continuing. She doesn’t want to cry. “I am spreading some of your ashes here. This was one of our favorite places in life. This is where you were born. One of your homes. I’ll keep the rest of your ashes with me in Seattle. Your other home. And now my home.” Carina chuckles, if a little cynically. “You claimed Wisconsin as a home too, but I’m not going there. Sorry.” She laughs lightly. “At least, not now.”

“But back to Seattle. I don’t know if you know. And if you were here, I know you would tease me mercilessly about it, but Maya and I are getting married in a few weeks.” Carina grins knowing that Andrea would definitely spend a large amount of time making Carina know that he finds it interesting to see her so settled down. “I never thought it would happen either. For one, I didn’t want to get married. But, I also never thought I would find anyone that I could marry and be satisfied with. But, here I am.” Carina smiles, warm and gentle.

“I wish you could be here for it, but I’m glad that you at least got to meet Maya and that we all had dinner together. I think we are going to keep your motorcycle. And- and-“ It’s hard to keep the tears at bay at this part. “Your death was unfair and so devastating, but Maya has been my rock this entire time. She’s more wonderful than I thought, than I could have imagined, and I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. So that’s the biggest thing going on in my life right now. Oh, and Gabri is here with me.” She turns around and smiles softly at Gabriella.

Gabriella pushes herself to her feet and moves over to Carina’s side.

“Do you want to say anything?” Carina asks.

There is a hum from Gabriella. “Well, Andrew, Andrea, what can I say? The boy who had a thing for me when I was in college. Ah, Andrea. A brilliant boy. Your brilliance will be missed. You will be missed.” Gabriella hangs her head.

Carina chews on her bottom lip, she steps forward, into the water. With tears in her eyes, she opens the container, holds it up in the air and pours it out. The little bit of wind that there is spreads the ashes out over the water’s edge and some on the wet sand. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, standing there for a moment before opening her eyes, putting the lid back on the container and turning around. Gabriella is standing right there and opens her arms. Carina falls into them, accepting the hug, thankful that her friend is here with her. She doesn’t think she could have done this alone.

Eventually, they go to sit in the sand. The sun is starting to droop in the sky. Not in its high midday position anymore as they are approach the second half of the afternoon.

“How long do you want to stay here?” Gabriella asks gently. She doesn’t want to upset Carina or force her to leave before she’s ready, but they have a long drive back. She knows Carina knows this, so she doesn’t bother mentioning it.

Carina hums. “Not sure.” But her stomach growls. It is sure.

Gabriella laughs. She gets up and holds out her hand to help Carina to her feet. “I think your stomach has made the decision.” Carina gets up. “And you can always come back here. With Maya.” Carina nods. She knows this, but it’s still a hard place to leave. She turns to go. Gabriella wraps an arm around her waist from behind. “We’ll stop somewhere for something to fill that grumbling stomach of yours.”

Carina smiles shyly. “I was too anxious to eat anything yet today.”

“I know.”

They leave the beach, getting back in the car, finding a places where they can run in and pick up some food that they can eat in the car before traveling back. It’s after dark when they return. Carina sleepily thanks Gabriella for today and heads to bed.

Carina has just gotten off shift when her phone rings. She smirks knowing exactly who it is that is calling.

“Ciao, bambina.” She answers her phone without looking at it.

Maya grins, happy to hear Carina’s voice. “Hello, my love. How are you? How was your shift?”

Carina smiles as she walks back to the house. “Good. Good. What are you up to?” She doesn’t want to talk about the people see saw die today. It’s too much to process right away. Carina knows at one point, probably after she’s back in Seattle and has time to think about her time working at a Covid hospital in Italy, that she’ll have to deal with what she’s seen in this Covid hell.

“Well, I just spoke with Vic and she hasn’t found a place yet.” Maya is starting to worry about this. They are going to need to have the wedding somewhere. “Buuut- Vic’s still working on it. I just hope we don’t have to do it at the station.” Maya knows that’s a last option, but she knows, at least, they could do it there if nowhere else works.

Carina groans. “Please, no. Everything happens there. This can’t.”

She can hear the stress in Carina’s voice. “I know, it won’t. I’ll make sure of it. If we have to do it in the middle of a park, then we will, and we’ll make it work.” Maya assures her. She sighs, knowing she’s going to have to figure this out.

They have been counting down Carina’s last week in Italy. “Only a few more days.” Carina reminds Maya.

“And then two more weeks.” Maya doesn’t mean to be a downer.

“Maya.” Carina scolds lightly.

“I know. I know. I just wish you weren’t so insistent on doing a two week quarantine when you return. What does it matter, really?” Maya knows it’s important, she just wants to be selfish.

Carina sighs. “It’s matter, Maya. You know that. Don’t say that. I don’t want to get you or anyone at the station sick. I know you guys get tested all the time, but this is different. And if something were to happen. If someone were to get sick, then what. No wedding. That can’t happen Maya. I need to be able to marry you.”

“I know, so the government doesn’t kick you out.” She rolls her eyes. Maya knows she’s being childish. She just wants to see Carina as soon as she returns. She wants to be able to kiss her and hold her.

“No, Maya. Not because of the government. Because of you.” Carina clicks her tongue. “You, bambina. You.” She sniffles a little, trying to keep the tears that she feels starting from falling. “I need to marry you because I love you and I can’t imagine not being with you every day. Every day for the rest of my life. Maya, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Seeing people dying everyday has done something to me, changed me. I’ve realized what’s really important in life, in my life. It’s family. It’s friends. It’s being able to be with them. All these people die without any family around. Alone. And some, now, are starting to allow a visitor when they are dying. But it’s someone dressed head to toe in PPE. And/or behind a plastic separator. That’s no way to die. All alone without family around them.”

“I know it’s difficult. And I’m sorry that you have to deal with that. I know you hate seeing that.” Maya tries to sympathize.

“No, Maya, listen. It’s not so much about the people dying. It’s about you and me. I was so stuck on what I thought I wanted. What I had convinced myself of. That I would never get married. Because of this thing or that thing. There are no guarantee in life. I’ve been taking that for granted.” Carina shakes her head. “Look at Andrea. That should have taught me. Life isn’t guaranteed. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Things have given me perspective while I’ve been in Italy. I don’t want to waste any more time. I want to get married. And I’m not just saying that. I want to be your family. I want to have a family with you.”

“I told you I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids.”

“I don’t mean kids. But we do have to revisit that topic. I mean, you and I, as a family. Whether that includes kids or no.”

“Oh.” Maya hadn’t really thought of the two of them as a family but now that Carina says it, them as a family sounds wonderful.

Carina is adamant about this. “So, si, I will be doing two weeks of quarantine. So that we can get married as soon as those two weeks are over.”

Maya chews on her lip. She’s a little speechless. “I love you, so much.”

Carina smiles softly. “I love you too, bella.” She whispers. “And I can’t wait to see you. When those two weeks are over.”

Maya chuckles lightly. “Yeah. Yeah.”

Carina wraps up her last shift at the hospital and they send her off with well wishes. She gets home and showers and falls into bed. Two more sleeps and she’ll be on a flight back to Seattle.

The next day is about packing up and getting everything ready to go.

Gabriella drops her off at the airport the following day with a hug and wishes for a safe flight, and a word or two for Maya.

During her flight back, Carina tries to take time to sleep, and when she’s not napping, she tries to compartmentalize what she’s seen and been through in Italy. The anxiety she feels upon landing is like nothing she’s ever experienced. And she doesn’t know why. She’s back in the US. She not that far away from their apartment, home. But Maya isn’t going to be there and maybe that’s what has Carina so worked up.

There is a plan in place. Maya and Andy came to the airport yesterday and dropped the car off in the parking garage for Carina so she can drive home and not be in contact with Maya or anyone from the station or hospital or anyone really.

She goes to the parking garbage to the floor and section that Maya texted her on where to find the car. Carina spots the car, and it’s a little bit of familiarity that gives her a little bit of comfort. She unlocks it and gets inside. In the cup holder is the parking ticket and on the seat is a plastic lunchbox that Carina has never seen before. She rubs some hand sanitizer on her hands and texts Maya.

I just got to the car. What’s this lunch box for?

At the station, Maya’s phone chimes. She’s been watching the clock, knowing exactly when Carina’s flight got in, knowing she had to get her bag, knowing she had to go through customs, knowing she had to make it to the car. She even came to work early, knowing that she wouldn’t get anymore sleep or anything else done at home. Everything was set, she’s just been waiting for a message.

Welcome back! Open it. Maya types out quickly before hitting send.

Carina only has to wait a few seconds for a reply. She examines the lunchbox in the meantime. She wonders if it’s going to be something like the teddy bear, chocolates, and notebook that were waiting for her when she arrived in Italy. Her phone buzzes and she reads the message from Maya and smiles.

Carina puts the handle down on the lunchbox and lifts the cover off. She gasps at what’s inside. There’s a note, first and foremost. Carina gently removes the note and unfolds it, reading it.

My love,

I have missed you so much. I want to say that first. And I didn’t know how I was going to handle this four weeks of separation. And I don’t know how you’ve handled it. I look forward to hearing about everything from your time in Italy when we are back together. Until then… I wanted you to have a few things. There is an envelope inside the cooler that has a picture of me in it. Don’t go waving it around in public. Next, there is a little assortment of cheeses. Hopefully the lunchbox has kept them cool. At the house, are some bottles of wine that you can pair with the cheese. I didn’t want to leave the wine in the car so someone could break in and steal it. (Just leaving the lunchbox in the car has given me enough anxiety.) There’s also some of that gelato at home from that place we went to before you left. I know it isn’t much, but I just wanted a little something for you to let you know that I am thinking about you. I love you. Drive home safe. I will see you in two weeks.

XO Maya.

Carina sets the letter down and looks into the lunchbox. There is an ice pack in the bottom and the cheese that Maya said. There is also a small envelope in a little sandwich bag, so it won’t get wet, even though Carina scolds Maya for using plastic sandwich bags. She’ll let this one slide. Carina gets the envelope out and removes the picture from it. She smirks at what she sees.

She reaches for her phone. Who took this photo, bambina?

The photo is of Maya, like she said. She is in a red bra with her turnout pants and boots on, suspenders on her shoulders. Carina looks over the photo for a minute before tucking it back into the envelope, putting everything back in the lunchbox and closing the lid. She starts the car and makes her way out of the parking garage, paying, and then getting on the road towards home.

The closer Carina gets to where they live, the more Carina wants to take a detour to the station. But she’s knows she can’t. She can’t go breaking her own rules about quarantining. She tightens her grip on the steering wheel and her resolve and drives the remainder of the way to their apartment.

Maya has everybody lined up. “Okay, everybody listen up, I need all the chores done before noon. I wrote everything down on the whiteboard so refer to that. No coming to me and whining about what you’ve been assigned or that you want to switch. What’s done is done. Let’s have a good shift. Nineteen.”

The crew shouts back in unison. “Nineteen.”

“One more thing.” Maya raises a hand in the air, index finger pointed up. “I’ve moved out of my apartment, and I need to stay somewhere. Would any of you be willing to house me for a few weeks?”

“What?” Travis asks, astonished.

“Maya?” Andy says tentatively.

Maya takes in all of their faces. She sees the worry there. “Oh.” She smirks. “Not like that.” She shakes her head. “I’m moving out for two weeks so Carina can stay there and do her quarantine.”

Travis holds his hand over his heart. “That’s precious.”

Maya glares at him.

“Captain.” He gives her a straight face.

“That’s very considerate of you.” Dean comments.

“Well, I didn’t want Carina having to stay in a hotel room or something stupid like that for two weeks. She’s been gone for a month, and I feel it would be best if she could just stay in the apartment for two weeks.”

“That makes sense.” Jack adds.

“You can stay with me.” Dean adds. “If you like to be awoken every day by a little girl yelling or screaming or crying or running around without any clothes on.”

“Or me.” Travis says. “I’m down with having you around for a bit.”

“Or us.” Andy points between herself and Sullivan.

Maya would rather not reside with Sullivan. She’d rather sleep in her bunk every night at the station for two weeks than do that. She loves Andy but with the way Robert has been acting, acting towards her lately, she thinks it best not to spend any more time with him than necessary. “Okay, thanks guys. I was just throwing it out there. I appreciate the offers.” She’ll think about it and make a decision later.

“I’d offer too, but with everything that’s happened with Marsha. And with Inara and Marcus.” Jack shrugs.

“I understand, Jack.” Maya scrunches up her face. “Plus, that can’t happen.” There’s no way Maya would stay with Jack.

“Right.” He squints. “Carina would flip out.”

“No.” Maya shakes her head. “I don’t know that she would. But it would bother me more than I could handle.” She’s trying to work through her issue with Dr. Lewis in regards to why she slept with Jack and cheated on Carina and how the unresolved feelings about all of that still linger and effect Maya’s thoughts sometimes.

“You are all dismissed. Get your chores done.” Maya turns on her heels to walk back to her office.

Vic hurries after Maya. “Maya, I figured it out.”

“What?”

“Where to have the wedding?”

“Oh.” Maya nods. “I would love to hear about it.” She stops at her office door, turning to Vic. “When your chores are finished.” She smirks, closes the door in Vic’s face.

Vic rolls her eyes. “Fine.” She walks away as Maya smiles and shakes her head through the blinds.

When Carina walks in the door, she is astonished. There is a bouquet of flowers on the table. And a smaller yet equally as beautiful bouquet on the counter in the kitchen with another note next to it.

Carina,

The flowers are for you. Something pretty and living to hopefully brighten up the apartment the next few weeks. I know I’m not the best with the romance stuff, but I hope you like them. I also got some relaxing scents for the diffuser to try. They’re in the bedroom. There’s also another surprise for you in the bedroom.

Maya.

Carina puts the note down and looks around. She wants to cry. This small space means so much to her. When she suggested that she just do a quarantine in a hotel or something Maya shot it down right away. Maya said this would be better. And Carina knows now that nothing could be better than quarantining here.

She walks into the bedroom and sees what the other surprise is right away, and it has her double over in laughter. At the head of the bed with all of their other pillows is a throw pillow with Maya’s face screen printed on it. “Oh, bambina.” She goes over and looks closer at the pillow. It’s hideous but so sooo good.

Carina gets her phone out and sees the text from Maya saying that Andy was the one that took the photo of her in her turnout pants. She smirks, knowing at some point she’s going to have to thank Andy.

She types out a text about the pillow and the flowers.

I am HOME. She hits send.

Thank you for the beautiful flowers. And I love the pillow. But as soon as you are back sleeping in our bed the pillow is gone. You need to take it to one of your fires and throw it in. It needs to be burned.

The Italian hits send on that message and chuckles some more about the pillow. She feels lighter already. No, Maya isn’t here with her, and she won’t be able to see her for two weeks but being in their shared space and being able to feel her presence in the apartment is all she needs right now to feel like everything isn’t closing in around her. Like everything can be normal again one day.

Her phone buzzes and Carina looks down at it. Look on the mantle.

Carina goes into the living room and looks on the mantle. Tucked behind Andrew’s urn is a large white mail envelope; the sort of envelope important documents come in. She lifts it carefully and reads the tiny print on the front. It’s from Immigration. Carina’s heart rate picks up as she opens it and sees what’s inside.

The marriage visa.

Carina sits in on the couch, her legs feeling a little shaky. If she felt like crying before, she feels like crying more so now. It’s just a piece of paper. Documents. They same thing that Carina argued and yelled at Maya about. And maybe it’s all of the residual emotion from the last month, but this paper in her hands symbolizes more than she could have thought in the past. Maybe it’s that she just misses Maya. Maybe it's that the distance has put things into a different light for Carina. The whole distance makes the heart grow fonder saying. Carina is grateful to be able to be here, to have the opportunity to live in the United States, to be able to get married, to have someone as special in her life as Maya. The paper in her hands is the evidence of that. The emotions she feels are all backed up in this piece of paper.