Chapter Seventy Five: Stargazer

The night sky in Wisconsin was a whole lot different from the one that Antonio was used to in Chicago but he found that he enjoyed the change of scenery. He had always been a city boy at heart, he lived and breathed Chicago, it was part of his soul but it wasn't where his heart was at, not right now anyway.

He felt like he could breathe a lot easier up here. After what had happened with Cooper he needed to get his head on straight. He'd only spent a few days undercover as Mike Diaz but it had been enough to twist him up inside. Seeing the betrayal in Cooper's eyes had fractured something deep down inside of him, it made him question himself and the work he did.

Becoming someone else came to him naturally; he could pick up a role in a heartbeat and talk himself out of any situation. In his mind it was black and white most of the time, he knew who was good and who was bad, the circumstances that led them there didn't have to matter. With Cooper it had been different, there was something about the other man that was almost endearing, in the time they had spent together Mike Diaz had come to think of him as a friend and Antonio found it tough to completely disconnect himself from that character. Diaz was the other side of the coin for him, he was the man he would have become if he hadn't found himself at the boxing gym. That place had turned his life around, it made him who he was today. He wondered who Cooper would be if he'd had the same chance.

"A penny for them." Maggie murmured, disrupting his thoughts.

Her slender hand came to rest upon his shoulder, her thumb gently tracing a circle along the curve of his neck before she dropped down onto porch step alongside of him. A small smile tugged at the edges of his lips as he rubbed his calloused hands together.

"They're not worth that much." Antonio said, clasping his large hands together as his elbows came to rest on his knees.

"Let me be the judge of that." Maggie said lightly, nudging him with her shoulder.

There was silence between the two of them for a moment, Antonio balled his right hand into a tight fist, banging his knuckles against his left palm. He squinted into the distance, his dark gaze lingering on something between the trees. He hadn't wanted to burden her with this but the events of the past few days kept playing in his mind and he knew he needed to talk them out. Maggie was the only person who could understand what he was going through, who could help him make sense of it all.

"What happened with Cooper isn't sitting right with me." he admitted quietly, rubbing his hands together in agitation.

"Which part?" Maggie asked him, tilting her head so she could review the profile of his face.

His cappuccino colored skin seemed to glow under the warm fairy lights that were threaded through the pillars of the porch, highlighting the fine stubble that was beginning to line his jaw. She had known since he had gotten back that there was something dogging his footsteps. The man who had gone undercover was different from the one that had come back. She hadn't pushed it, she knew when he was ready that Antonio would talk about what was bothering him.

"Part of me feels responsible for the way things turned out." Antonio told her frankly, his dark eyebrows knitting into a frown as he tried to vocalise his emotions. "The cop in me knows this is the way it has to be but the other part of me feels like I betrayed him."

"The Mike Diaz part of you." Maggie clarified, before pursing her lips together grimly mentally recounting her own experiences.

She thought of Magdalena Murphy, the character she had had to become to infiltrate Bembarek's organisation. The things she had done as that person...

She was as accountable for them as Maggie O'Neill and it was hard to reconcile with the decisions you made in those circumstances. Her thoughts strayed to Eve, the lover she had taken for six months when the loneliness had become so crippling, she was afraid it may drive her insane. She had known the relationship would come to nothing, she'd never meant for it to go on as long as it did but it was only when Eve revealed her true feelings for her did she cut her loose. It was cruel and selfish to indulge herself the way she had but it had given her a connection she wouldn't have had if it hadn't happened. She would never have been able to save Antonio's career without it.

"He was already involved with the crew before you came along." Maggie pointed out. "That is on him, not on you."

"You know it's never that simple." Antonio reminded her, his fingers running through his slick gelled hair.

Maggie tilted her head up towards the starry sky, exhaling deeply at his words. He was right, of course he was. Living your life as another person wasn't easy, it took skill to disassociate from the person you are and become someone else. That didn't mean it was easy, in fact far from it but you couldn't let it shape who you are.

"I know." Maggie muttered, threading her arm through Antonio's until their hands met. Their fingers entwined, the familiar thrum of their connection sparking between them as Maggie's head came to rest lightly on his broad shoulder. Antonio buried his face in her unruly curls, inhaling her floral scent. He took solace in her in a way he never had in someone else. He didn't have to explain his feelings to her, didn't have to try and rationalise them.

"They're giving him until after the weekend to make a decision to testify or not." Antonio told her, nuzzling his nose even deeper into her hair, his lips brushing her against her scalp. "I don't know if he will."

There was a helplessness there, buried underneath all of the frustration in his voice. He wanted to do the best he could by Cooper, the other man had had a lot of tough breaks in life but the mistakes he had made were his own. Antonio was offering him a way out if he chose to take it, a chance to start over.

"Peter Stone offered me a job as lead investigator on his team." Antonio whispered against Maggie's hairline. "I'm thinking about taking it."

"People say it's safer." Maggie conceded looking up at the twinkling stars above them. Antonio followed her gaze before wrapping his arm around Maggie's shoulder and drawing her close so that she was snuggled against his chest. "And you do have the kids to think about."

"I love my job, it's a part of who I am but after this week..." Antonio's warm hand smoothed along the muscles of her arm, his fingertips playing idly over the fabric of her shirt. "...maybe it's for the best."

"It has been a rough week." Maggie concluded, her mind ticking back over the events in the warehouse. It had been a close call for her and Roman, then learning about what had almost happened to Antonio, it didn't bear thinking about.

"But we got through it." Antonio murmured, as the two of them stared up at the stunning night time sky.

"Yea." Maggie whispered knowingly. "Yea, we did."