The Dead Alive

Now as 10th was over and 11th was about to start after a few months, I joined a maths coaching. The coaching i chose was far away from my house and i chose it just because Yesha was also in the. same coaching. There were two batches in it. One was the afternoon batch and the second was the night batch. I had to choose the afternoon batch because my house was far and it would have been very late for me in night to return. Thankfully Yesha and I were in the same batch but that was the girls batch and I was the only boy, i was an exception. But it didn't matter for me. All that mattered for me is Yesha. I used to sit infront of her. It could have been the best moments for us if we hadn't drifted apart. I wish that could have been in her coaching when we first met. Anyways i was quite happy as i was able to see her daily despite of the fact that we didn't talk much then.

During that time my cousin sister's wedding also came. I was at my uncle's house for a week but still i used to came to coaching to see Yesha. My uncle house was near my coaching and it was easy for me to arrive it daily.

In my family i am the smallest among all my cousin brothers. Because of this i was always neglected. In my every family function i felt alone.

After a week i returned home and my 10th result also came. I got 85 percent. I was happy and i went to school to met you guys and our other friends. .There i got to know that Yesha topped the school and not only that, she also secured 3rd rank in the whole district. I was extremely happy for her and i congratulated her.

Me: Congratulations Yesha for ur achievements and making you parents and the whole school proud.

Yesha: Thank you Sooraj.

Me: You really are a hard working and intelligent student. And there is nothing wrong in saying that you are going to be a very successful woman in ur future.

Yesha: Thank you again for such wonderful words. Its really so nice of you.

Afterwards we were all set for 11th. But 11th class came with an amount to pay, an amount of friendship. We all chose different streams and thats why i went into 11 science B , Parth went into 11th science A , you went into 11th commerce B and Ali went into 11th commerce A while Veer left the school. All of us were distributed and that was really bad. But one thing was good for me and that was Yesha and I got the same section i.e. 11 sci B. I was but not that much excited. We were close but still far apart from one another.

As our classes shuffled, it took me time to make new friends. For first few weeks i used to felt lonely as the only person i was close was Yesha but our equation was not that good anymore. There was a one boy i was really jealous of and that was Nikhil. And it was just because he was getting closer to Yesha. They used to sit with each other, talk, laugh and sometimes also play basketball together. These things were killing me from inside and i was just bearing the pain.

One day one of our classmate told me that Nikhil had proposed Yesha. This made me scared. I was scared of loosing Yesha, which i already had lost but i was not aware of or i was just not accepting the truth. I decided to ask Yesha about it.

Me: Hey! Yesha

Yesha: Hey

Me: did you proposed Nikhil

Yesha: No, Yesha never proposes anyone.

Me: so he proposed you?

Yesha: This could be possible.

This broke me but i was still having a hope that Yesha would not accept his proposal. But after some days i got to know that Yesha accepted Nikhil's proposal and now they are in realtionship. Now i was broken as hell. I can't even express that feeling. I was ok from from outside but from inside, i was dying.

Now i had to see Yesha with someone else daily i would not be able to do anything. I was was loosing my self. I was becoming more agressive. I was not in my own control. I used to cry daily at nights. I remember one day when Yesha was sitting with Nikhil holding his hands, I got mad, not on them but on myself, my destiny. I went straight to washroom, cried and punched walls. This also broke my knuckle. My hands swelled and were paining badly. But I didn't even bother because infront of the pain of my heart, the physical pain was nothing. I became a different person. I started hating myself. I started hurting myself. I became addicted to pain. I still remember an incident when i had a figh with my mom and she said that i didn't love her. This made me angry and i picked up a knife, craved my hands and wrote MAA on it. Seeing that my mom started crying and hugged me. That was a foolish act but i was such in love with pain that it didn't affect me anymore. My life was totally changed. At the age of 18 i was suffering with things from which most of adults can't even go through. The child , the innocence inside me were totally dead.